In the Academy Award-winning movie Rocky, boxer Rocky Balboa describes his relationship with his girlfriend, Adrian: “I’ve got gaps. She’s got gaps. But together we’ve got no gaps.” What a wonderful description of teamwork! It doesn’t matter how talented you may be—you have gaps. There are things you don’t do well. What’s the best way to handle your weaknesses? Partner with others who have strengths in those areas. If you want to do something really big, then do it as part of a team.
Extraordinary Teamwork
In the previous chapter, I mentioned that I recently toured the aircraft carrier USS Enterprise. I got that opportunity when my friend, Tom Mullins, invited me to make the trip along with him and a few others. It started when we landed aboard the aircraft, which was already at sea. For twenty-four hours, we received the VIP treatment, touring every part of that magnificent ship. The entire experience was fantastic, but the highlight for me was sitting with Rear Admiral Raymond Spicer, commander of the Enterprise’s carrier strike group, and watching F/A-18 Hornet jets taking off and landing at night. What an incredible sight!
There was beauty in the way the jets shot off the deck and others landed, coming to a halt in a mere two seconds. But what struck me even more was the number of people who seemed to be involved in the process and the teamwork that was required. When I asked Admiral Spicer about it, he put me in contact with Lt. Commander Ryan Smith, the V2 Division Officer, who explained the process to me. He said,
The pilot is seated at the controls of an F/A-18 Hornet as the jet is accelerated from 0 to nearly 160 mph in the span of less than three seconds. As the aircraft climbs away from the carrier, she raises the landing gear and is suddenly alone in the black of night. There are few examples of solitary combat in today’s era of modem, networked warfare, but an aviator seated in the cockpit of one of today’s Navy fighters still seems like an example in which the accomplishment of a particular objective is entirely dependent on the talent, skill, and effort of one particular, highly trained individual. However, the singular act of catapulting a jet off of the end of one of these carriers is the result of the complex orchestration of scores of individuals, each with a mastery of his or her own specific task. It is the efforts and coordination of these individuals, most of whom are just barely high school graduates, which serve as a truly inspiring example of teamwork.
He then went on to explain the process. Hours before that jet taxis to the catapult for launching, it is being inspected by a team of mechanics and technicians from the Aircraft Squadron. While the pilot is receiving a briefing on the mission, including weather, target information, radio procedures, and navigational information (all of which are produced by teams of sailors), the aircraft is going through an equally rigorous period of preparation. The preflight routine ends only when the pilot has reviewed the aircraft’s maintenance records and inspected the aircraft for flight.
Exactly thirty minutes prior to the aircraft’s launch time, a specific sequence of steps begins that is always followed with precision. The aircraft carrier’s air boss calls for engine starts, a test to make certain that the jets are in proper working order, while the pilot runs through his pre-taxi checks. The aircraft’s plane captain is listening to the engines –and watching the movement of each control surface as the pilot does his checks. Once it is determined that everything is okay, the aircraft is then topped off with fuel by a crew from the carrier’s Fuels Division.
Meanwhile, the aircraft handling officer, seated in flight deck control and using a tabletop model of the carrier’s flight deck with scale models of the individual aircraft to keep track of everything, reviews the launch sequence plan with the deck caller. The aircraft handling officer radios the deck caller, telling him which aircraft are reported to be “up” and ready to taxi.
The deck caller leads three separate teams of plane directors and other sailors from the carrier’s Flight Deck Division, and each team is responsible for a different area of the flight deck. These teams ensure that each aircraft to be launched is safely unchained, directed around other parked aircraft (often with only inches of clearance), and put in line to be launched—sometimes as the deck of the carrier is pitching and rolling. When the deck caller gets the word from the aircraft handling officer, he leads the plane directors to distribute the aircraft among the four catapults facilitating the fastest possible departure of all the aircraft from the flight deck. As the time of the launch approaches, the directors bring each aircraft to the throat of a catapult, and the jet blast deflector is raised once an aircraft has taxied over it.
On deck, final maintenance checkers walk alongside the aircraft and inspect each panel and component as crew members from the Catapult and Arresting Gear Division hook the aircraft up to the catapult mechanism and ready it for launch. Below deck, other teams are using hydraulics and other equipment to control steam from the nuclear reactor that will be used to power the catapult.
At this time, ordnance personnel arm the aircraft’s weapons
The catapult officer then confirms the weight of the aircraft with the pilot. He also note of the wind over the deck and ambient conditions. He performs calculations to determine the precise amount of energy needed to achieve flight.
Even with all of this preparation, no jet would be able to take off if the ship weren’t in the proper position. The ship’s navigational team, which makes calculations to determine the required speed and heading, has relayed information to the bridge, and by now the ship has completed its turn and has accelerated to proper speed on its directed course.
The aircraft is almost ready for launch. The catapult officer signals to the operators, and the aircraft is hydraulically tensioned into the catapult. The pilot applies full power to the aircraft’s engines and checks to be sure the aircraft is functioning. If the pilot determines that the aircraft is ready for flight, he signals the catapult officer by saluting him. If the catapult officer also receives a thumbs-up from the squadron final checker, he will then give the fire signal to a catapult operator who depresses the fire button and sends the aircraft on its way.
What’s amazing is that three more aircraft can be launched right behind it in less than a minute, each having gone through that same procedure. And in just a matter of minutes, that same flight deck can be prepared to receive landing aircraft, one corning on final approach just as the previous one is taxied out of the landing area.
Teamwork Truth
I can think of few things that require such a high degree of precision teamwork with so many different groups of people as the launching of a jet from an aircraft carrier. It’s easy to see that teamwork is essential for the task. However, a task doesn’t have to be complex to need teamwork. In 2001 when I wrote The 17 Indisputable Laws of Teamwork, the first law I included was the Law of Significance, which says, “One is too small a number to achieve greatness.” If you want to do anything of value, teamwork is required.
Teamwork not only allows a person to do what he couldn’t otherwise do; it also has a compounding effect on all he possesses—including talent. If you believe one person is a work of God (which I do), then a group of talented people committed to working together is a work of art. Whatever your vision or desire, teamwork makes the dream work.
Working together with other people toward a common goal is one of the most rewarding experiences of life. I’ve led or been part of many different kinds of teams—sports teams, work teams, business teams, ministry teams, communication teams, choirs, bands, committees, boards, you name it. I’ve observed teams of nearly every type in my travels around the world. And talking to leaders, developing teams, counseling with coaches, and teaching and writing on teamwork have influenced my thinking when it comes to teams. What I’ve learned I want to share with you:
1. Teamwork Divides the Effort and Multiplies the Effect
Would you like to get better results from less work? I think everyone would. That’s what teamwork provides. In his book Jesus on Leadership, C. Gene Wilkes describes why teamwork is superior to individual effort:
· Teams involve more people, thus affording more resources, ideas, and energy than an individual possesses.
· Teams maximize a leader’s potential and minimize her weaknesses. Strengths and weaknesses are more exposed in individuals.
· Teams provide multiple perspectives on how to meet a need or reach a goal, thus devising several alternatives for each situation. Individual insight is seldom as broad and deep as a group’s when it takes on a problem.
· Teams share the credit for victories and the blame for losses. This fosters genuine humility and authentic community. Individuals take credit and blame alone. This fosters pride and sometimes a sense of failure.
· Teams keep leaders accountable for the goal. Individuals connected to no one can change the goal without accountability.
· Teams can simply do more than an individual.
It’s common sense that people working together can do more than an individual working alone. So why are some people reluctant to engage in teamwork? It can be difficult in the beginning. Teams don’t usually come together and develop on their own. They require leadership and cooperation. While that may be more work on the front end, the dividends it pays on the back end are tremendous and well worth the effort.
2. Talent Wins Games, but Teamwork Wins Championships
A sign in the New England Patriots’ locker room states, “Individuals play the game, but teams win championships.” Obviously the Patriot players understand this. Over a four-year period, they won the Super Bowl three times.
Teams that repeatedly win championships are models of teamwork. For more than two decades, the Boston Celtics dominated the NBA. Their team has won more championships than any other in NBA history, and at one point during the fifties and sixties, the Celtics won eight championships in a row. During their run, the Celtics never had a player lead the league in scoring. Red Auerbach, who coached the Celtics and then later moved to their front office, always emphasized teamwork. He asserted, “One person seeking glory doesn’t accomplish much; everything we’ve done has been the result of people working together to meet our common goals.”
It’s easy to see the fruit of teamwork in sports. But it is at least as important in business. Harold S. Geneen, who was director, president, and CEO of ITT for twenty years, observed, “The essence of leadership is the ability to inspire others to work together as a team—to stretch for a common objective.” If you want to perform at the highest possible level, you need to be part of a team.
3. Teamwork Is Not About You
The Harvard Business School recognizes a team as a small number of people with complementary skills who are committed to a common purpose, performance goals, and approach for which they hold themselves mutually accountable. Getting those people to work together is sometimes a challenge. It requires good leadership. And the more talented the team members, the better the leadership that is needed. The true measure of team leadership is not getting people to work. Neither is it getting people to work hard. The true measure of a leader is getting people to work hard together!
I’ve studied exceptional team leaders and coaches. Here are what just a few say about getting people to work together:
PAUL “BEAR” BRYANT, legendary Alabama football coach: “In order to have a winner, the team must have a feeling of unity. Every player must put the team first ahead of personal glory.”
BUD WlLKINSON, author of The Book of Football Wisdom: “If a team is to reach its potential, each player must be willing to subordinate his personal goals to the good of the team.”
Lou HOLTZ, coach of college football national championship teams: “The freedom to do your own thing ends when you have obligations and responsibilities. If you want to fail yourself—you can—but you cannot do your own thing if you have responsibilities to team members.”
MICHAEL JORDAN, most talented basketball player of all time and six-time world champion: “There are plenty of teams in every sport that have great players and never win titles. Most of the time, those players aren’t willing to sacrifice for the greater good of the team. The funny thing is, in the end, their unwillingness to sacrifice only makes individual goals more difficult to achieve. One thing I believe to the fullest is that if you think and achieve as a team, the individual accolades will take care of themselves. Talent wins games, but teamwork and intelligence win championships.”
All great teams are the result of their players making decisions based on what’s best for the rest. That’s true in sports, business, the military, and volunteer organizations. And it’s true at every level, from the part-time support person to the coach or CEO. The best leaders also put their team first. C. Gene Wilkes observes,
Team leaders genuinely believe that they do not have all the answers— so they do not insist on providing them. They believe they do not need to make all key decisions—so they do not do so. They believe they cannot succeed without the combined contributions of all the other members of the team to a common end—so they avoid any action that might constrain inputs or intimidate anyone on the team. Ego is not their predominant concern.
Highly talented teams possess players with strong egos. One secret of successful teamwork is converting individual ego into team confidence, individual sacrifice, and synergy. Pat Riley, NBA champion coach, says, “Teamwork requires that everyone’s efforts flow in a single direction. Feelings of significance happen when a team’s energy takes on a life of its own.”
4. Great Teams Create Community
All effective teams create an environment where relationships grow and teammates become connected to one another. To use a term that is currently popular, they create a sense of community. That environment of community is based on trust. Little can be accomplished without it.
On good teams, trust is a nonnegotiable. On winning teams, players extend trust to one another. Initially that is a risk because their trust can be violated and they can be hurt. At the same time that they are giving trust freely, they conduct themselves in such a way to earn trust from others. They hold themselves to a high standard. When everyone gives freely and bonds of trust develop and are tested over time, players begin to have faith in one another. They believe that the person next to them will act with consistency, keep commitments, maintain confidences, and support others. The stronger the sense of community becomes, the greater their potential to work together.
Developing a sense of community in a team does not mean there is no conflict. All teams experience disagreements. All relationships have tension. But you can work them out. My friend Bill Hybels, who leads a congregation of more than twenty thousand people, acknowledges this:
The popular concept of unity is a fantasy land where disagreements never surface and contrary opinions are never stated with force. Instead of unity, we use the word community. We say, “Let’s not pretend we never disagree. We’re dealing with the lives of 16,000 people [at the time]. The stakes are high. Let’s not have people hiding their concerns to protect a false notion of unity. Let’s face the disagreement and deal with it in a good way.”
The mark of community… is not the absence of conflict. It’s the presence of a reconciling spirit. I can have a rough-and-tumble leadership meeting with someone, but because we’re committed to the community, we can still leave, slapping each other on the back, saying, “I’m glad we’re still on the same team.” We know no one’s bailing out just because of a conflicting position.
When a team shares a strong sense of community, team members can resolve conflicts without dissolving relationships.
5. Adding Value to Others Adds Value to You
“My husband and I have a very happy marriage,” a woman bragged. “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him, and there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for me. And that’s the way we go through life—doing nothing for each other!” That kind of attitude is a certain road to disaster for any team—including a married couple.
Too often people join a team for their personal benefit. They want a supporting cast so that they can be the star. But that attitude hurts the team. When even the most talented person has a mind to serve, special things can happen. Former NBA great Magic Johnson paraphrased John E Kennedy when he stated, “Ask not what your teammates can do for you. Ask what you can do for your teammates.” That wasn’t just talk for Johnson. Over the course of his career with the Los Angeles Lakers, he started in every position during championship games to help his team.
U.S. president Woodrow Wilson asserted, “You are not here merely to make a living. You are here in order to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world, and to impoverish yourself if you forget the errand.” People who take advantage of others inevitably fail in business and relationships. If you desire to succeed, then live by these four simple words: add value to others. That philosophy will take you far.
TALENT + TEAMWORK = A TALENT-PLUS PERSON PUTTING THE TALENT-PLUS FORMULA INTO ACTION
All talented people have a choice to make: do their own thing and get all the credit, or do the team thing and share it. My observation is that not only do talented people accomplish more when working with others, but they are also more fulfilled than those who go it alone. My hope is that you choose teamwork over solo efforts. If that is your desire, then do the following:
1. Buy into the Law of Significance
Earlier in this chapter I mentioned the Law of Significance from 17 Indisputable Laws of Teamwork: “One is too small a number to achieve greatness.” In 2002, when I was teaching on the laws, I challenged members of the audience of ten thousand: “Name one person in the history of mankind who alone, without the help of anyone, made a significant impact on civilization.”
A voice from the crowd yelled, “Charles Lindbergh—he crossed the Atlantic Ocean in a plane by himself.”
The crowd cheered.
“That’s true,” I responded, and the crowd cheered louder, thinking I had been stumped. “But did you know,” I continued, “that Ryan Aeronautical Engineering designed and built the plane? And did you know that ten millionaires financed the trip?” The crowd exploded. “Are more suggestions?” I asked.
I want to give you the same challenge. Think of any significant accomplishment that appears to be a solo act. Then do some research and you will find that others worked with the individuals or supported them so that they could do what they did. No one does anything significant on his own. One is too small a number to achieve greatness. If you buy into that idea, then you will embrace the concept of teamwork. And that will be the foundation upon which you multiply your talent and take it to the highest level. No one can become a talent-plus person without it.
2. Include a Team in Your Dream
Journalist and radio host Rex Murphy asserts, “The successful attainment of a dream is a cart and horse affair. Without a team of horses, a cart full of dreams can go nowhere.” Teamwork gives you the best opportunity to turn your vision into reality. The greater the vision, the more need there is for a good team. But being willing to engage in teamwork is not the same as actively pursuing a team and becoming part of it. To succeed, you need to get on a team and find your best place in it. That may be as its leader, or it may not. Rudy Giuliani says,
In reality, a leader must understand that success is best achieved through teamwork. From the moment you are put into a leadership position you must demonstrate ultimate humility. A leader must know his weaknesses in order to counterbalance them with the strengths of the team. When I became the Mayor of New York, I had both strengths and weaknesses. For instance, I did not have very much experience in economics. I found members for my team that had experience and great talent in the field of economics. When every member of the team is operating in his or her strengths, your organization will flourish. When crisis comes you will have the people in place to manage every situation with excellence.
If you’re not certain about where you ultimately belong on a team, don’t let that stop you from engaging in teamwork. Find others who are like-minded in their attitudes and passion, and join them.
3. Develop Your Team
If you are a leader on your team, then you must make it your goal to develop your teammates or players. That process begins with having the right people on the team. It’s said that people are known by the company they keep. But it can also be said that a company is known by the people it keeps. Jack Welch, former chairman and CEO of General Electric, observed, “If you pick the right people and give them the opportunity to spread their wings—and put compensation as a carrier behind it—you almost don’t have to manage them.” That’s why Patrick Emington said, “It is the greatest folly to talk of motivating anybody. The real key is to help others to unlock and direct their deepest motivators.”
The process continues with your doing whatever you can to help people grow and reach their potential. You must do your best to see the abilities of others and help them recognize and develop those abilities. That’s what all good leaders do. They don’t just become talent-plus people. They help others to become talent-plus people.
4. Give the Credit for Success to the Team
The final step to becoming a talent-plus person in the area of teamwork is to give as much of the credit as you can to the people on the team. In his book Good to Great, Jim Collins points out that the leaders of the best organizations, what he calls “level-5 leaders,” are characterized by humility and a tendency to avoid the spotlight. Does that mean those leaders aren’t talented? Of course not. Does it mean they have no egos? No. It means they recognize that everyone on the team is important, and they understand that people do better work and do it with greater effort when they are recognized for their contribution.
If you consider what top leaders and former CEOs say about this, you’ll recognize a pattern:
RAY GlLMARTIN OF MERCK: “If I were to put someone on the front cover of Business Week or Fortune, it would be … the person who heads up our research organization, not me. Or I would put a team of people on the cover.”
LOU GERSTNER OF IBM: “I haven’t done this [created the company’s turnaround]. It’s been 280,000 people who have done it. We took a change in focus, a change in preoccupation, and a great talented group of people … and changed the company.”
DAN TULLY OF MERRILL LYNCH: “It’s amazing what you can do when you don’t seek all the credit. I find nothing is really one person’s idea.”
WALTER SHIPLEY OF CITIBANK: “We have 68,000 employees. With a company this size, I’m not ‘running the business’.. My job is to create the environment that enables people to leverage each other beyond their own individual capabilities.”
If you want to help your team go farther and help team members to sharpen their talent and maximize their potential, when things don’t go well, take more than your fair share of the blame, and when things go well, give all of the credit away.
One person who has captured my attention lately has been Bono, singer for the rock band U2. I must admit, I’m late in discovering him. His music isn’t really my cup of tea. But his passion, leadership, and activism really impress me. In 2005, he was named a Person of the Year by Time magazine, along with Bill and Melinda Gates.
There’s no doubting Bono’s talent. His success in the musical world is obvious. He has penned many hit songs, and U2, which has been together for thirty years, is one of the most successful bands in history. Together the band members have sold more than 170 million albums.
In recent years, Bono has expanded his efforts beyond the world of music. He has become an advocate for African aid and economic development. And he’s not just a celebrity lending his name to a cause. Senator Rick Santorum said of him, “Bono understands the issues better than 99% of the members of Congress.” And Bono has relentlessly worked at partnering with other people to further the causes he’s passionate about. He has net with heads of state, economists, industry leaders, celebrities—anyone who has the potential to add value to the people he desires to help.
Where did Bono learn to rely on others, to be part of a team and enlist the aid of others? Rock stars are supposed to be self-absorbed, iconoclastic, isolated, and indifferent to others. That is what happens to many famous people, and it’s the reason many music groups don’t stay together. Bono comments,
There’s moments when people are so lost in their own selves, the demands of their own life, that it’s very hard to be in a band … People want to be lords of their own domain. I mean, everybody, as they get older … rids the room of argument. You see it in your family, you see it with your friends, and they get a smaller and smaller circle of people around them, who agree with them. And life ends up with a dull sweetness.
What is Bono’s secret, after having been a rock star for more than twenty-five years? He learned teamwork in the band. Bono recognizes his need for others and, in fact, says he can’t imagine having been a solo artist. He admits:
The thing that’ll make you less and less able to realize your potential is a room that’s empty of argument. And I would be terrified to be on my own as a solo singer, not to have a band to argue with. I mean, I surround myself with argument, and a band, a family of very spunky kids, and a wife who’s smarter than anyone. I’ve got a lot of very smart friends, a whole extended family of them . …You’re as good as the arguments you get. So maybe the reason why the band hasn’t split up is that people might get this: that even though they’re only one quarter of U2, they’re more than they would be if they were one whole of something else. I certainly feel that way.
I can’t think of a better way to say it myself. A talented person who is part of a team—in the right place on the right team—becomes more than he ever could on his own. That’s what it means to be a talent-plus person.
The Last Word on Talent
Early in 2006, I read a report from Money magazine that claimed we were experiencing a worldwide talent shortage:
ZURICH, SWITZERLAND (REUTERS)—Employers are having difficulty finding the right people to fill jobs despite high unemployment in Europe and the United States, a survey by U.S.-based staffing firm Manpower showed Tuesday.
The survey conducted late in January showed that 40 percent nearly 33,000 employers in 23 countries across the world were struggling to find qualified job candidates.
“The talent shortage is becoming a reality for a larger number of employers around the world,” Manpower’s CEO and Chairman Jeffrey Joerres said.
And in what is the number one talent shortage, according to the report? Sales. They wanted more good salespeople.
Every few years, we hear similar statements about certain professions. But the reality is that there never has been nor will there ever be a talent shortage. Talent is God-given. As long as there are people in the world, there will be plenty of talent. What’s missing are people who have made the choices necessary to maximize their talent. Employers are really looking for talent-plus people. By now I trust you agree that the key choices we make—apart from the natural talent we already possess—set us apart from others who have talent alone.
William Danforth, who became the owner of the Ralston Purina Company, found a secret of success when he was a young man:
When I was sixteen, I came to St. Louis to attend the Manual Training School. It was a mile from my boardinghouse to the school. A teacher who lived nearby and I would start for school at the same time every morning. But he always beat me there. Even back then I didn’t want to be beaten, and so I tried all the shortcuts. Day after day, however, he arrived ahead of me. Then I discovered how he did it. When he came to each street crossing he would run to the other curb. The thing that put him ahead of me was just “that little extra.”
Talent-plus people give a little extra. You see it in the choices they make that multiply and maximize their talent. Because they have given more to develop their talent, they are able to give more to others with their talent.
I want to encourage you to make the thirteen choices described in this book. And every day remind yourself about how these choices can help you:
1. Belief lifts my talent.
2. Passion energizes my talent.
3. Initiative activates my talent.
4. Focus directs my talent.
5. Preparation positions my talent.
6. Practice sharpens my talent.
7. Perseverance sustains my talent.
8. Courage tests my talent.
9. Teachability expands my talent.
10. Character protects my talent.
11. Relationships influence my talent.
12. Responsibility strengthens my talent.
13. Teamwork multiplies my talent.
Whatever talent you have you can improve. Never forget that the choices you make in the end make you.
Choose to become a talent-plus person. If you do, you will add value to yourself, add value to others, and accomplish much more than you dreamed was possible.
Thursday, January 03, 2008
Responsibility Strengthens Your Talent
Nothing adds “muscle” to talent like responsibility. It lifts talent to a new level and increases its stamina. However, as I consider the thirteen choices that help to create a talent-plus person, I realize responsibility is often the last choice people desire to make. The result is “flabby” talent that fails to perform and never realizes its potential. How sad for the person who fails to take responsibility. How sad for others. Author and editor Michael Korda said, “Success on any major scale requires you to accept responsibility …..In the final analysis, the one quality that all successful people have … is the ability to take on responsibility.” If you desire success, make responsibility your choice.
Extreme Talent
One day when I was flipping through television channels, I came across a program on PBS about rock climbers. What amazed me were their Spiderman-like qualities. The program focused on Dan Osman, a man in his midthirties who scrambled up a rock face in record time without the benefit of safety ropes. At one point in his climb, he literally jumped in order to reach a handhold and was momentarily airborne. If he had missed the hold he was reaching for, the fall would have killed him.
Intrigued, I did some research. I discovered that this particular climb was in California at a place called Lover’s Leap. The route he took is called Bear’s Reach. Evidently specific routes are named and rated by the first climber to successfully navigate them. Bear’s Reach is considered a 5.7 in difficulty on the Yosemite Decimal System. I didn’t know what that meant, so I looked it up. Any climb that begins with a 5 involves “climbing involving technical moves and protective hardware in case of a fall” or “thin, exposed climbing, requiring skill (the holds are not obvious to a novice—this is where weird moves such as laybacks, underclings, and evangelical hammerlocks come into play) . . . where serious injury or death is very likely if you take an unprotected fall.
In other words, it was very difficult. One rock climbing guide estimated that the average time it would take to climb the 400-foot-tall cliff face of Bear’s Reach was three hours. That would typically be done using safety ropes. On camera, Osman did what’s called a free solo climb—with no help and no ropes—just him against the rock face. He accomplished the feat in 4 minutes, 25 seconds! (Go to the Internet, type in his name on a search engine, and you will find a video of him in action.)
Developing His Skills
Osman started rock climbing when he was twelve years old. The son of a police officer father and a champion barrel racer mother, he is the descendant of samurai warriors. As a kid, he studied kung fu and aikido, a Japanese martial art that places high value on balance, control, and economy of motion. It took Osman eight years to become an expert climber, slow in his opinion, but he developed into a world-class climber and an expert rope rigger.
After more than a decade of climbing, Osman began experimenting with free falling. That’s where a person jumps bungee-fashion from a high place, such as a bridge or cliff, but instead of being connected to a springy bungee cord, he is connected to a climber’s rope. The rope has some stretch, but the fall is much more dramatic. It requires expert rigging and iron nerves. Osman began setting and breaking records for free falls. He became a legend among climbers and BASE jumpers (people who parachute from fixed objects). His fame grew, and soon creators of TV commercials and print ads started calling him.
Unlimited Talent – Limited Responsibility
But there was another side to Dan Osman. He had a difficult time functioning in the real world. His friends joked about Dano time—showing up to appointments hours late or sometimes not at all. His mother’s childhood nickname for him was “Danny I Forgot.” He continually received tickets for speeding and driving with a suspended license or unregistered vehicle—which he neglected to pay. He regularly depended on others to rescue him. Andrew Todhunter, who was so intrigued with Osman that he spent time with him over the course of three years and wrote a book about the experience, writes about Osman’s arrest for unpaid traffic violations. As Osman was being led away, he asked the writer to call friends, a retired couple who had “adopted” him. They were used to bailing him out. The woman, a retired executive, remarked, “I do worry a lot for him . . . What scares me is his jumping. He continues to want to jump farther and farther. I told him, ‘You’re not getting any younger, Dan. You’re going to have to think about your future a little more.’” Her concern was not for just him. Osman had a twelve-year-old daughter named Emma. He also had a live-in fiancée with a daughter.
Todhunter was amazed that Osman had such intense attention to detail and a strong sense of responsibility when climbing but so little for the rest of life. And he asked Osman about his responsibility to his daughter.
“If I fell while soloing I’d go against everything I represent, which is not pushing it, which is having the route ‘in hand.’ By dying I would let everybody down—my family, my friends,” said Osman. “I’d be robbing her if I fell. She knows her dad’s rad. Other dads don’t do this. She’s afraid, but she’s proud of what I’m doing. It’s like my father: I worry about him, getting shot, but then I hear what a good cop he is. And there’s a plaque on the wall: Officer of the Year.”
Record Breaker
On November 23, 1998, Dan Osman attempted his longest free fall 1,000 feet. He had originally intended to set the new record on October 26. He had prepared his rigging at Yosemite’s Leaning Tower and did some intermediate-distance jumps all the way up to 900 feet. Then he some intermediate-distance jumps all the way up to 900 feet. Then he got a call from Emma. She was crying; she was worried about him. He dropped everything and went to see her. Two days later he was back at Yosemite and ready to resume his jumps, but he was arrested for the kinds of things he never took responsibility for: parking tickets and a suspended license. He spent fourteen days in jail.
His friend filmmaker Eric Perlman, who had offered his house against Osman’s bail, talked to him after he got out of jail. Perlman recalls, “I told him, ‘You’ve gone far enough, pushed it probably farther than it should be pushed. Nobody’s going to touch this one [record] for a long time. Take the rig down, show the judge you’re serious, that you’re playing by the rules here.’ And he agreed absolutely. He said, ‘You know, you’re right. It’s what I should do. And my guardian angels need a break anyway. They’ve been working overtime for me.’”
But when Osman went back with a friend on November 22 to take down his rigging and pack up all his equipment, he couldn’t resist the urge to go for another record. First, he jumped at 925 feet. The next day, he talked his friend into jumping. Then Osman hastily rerigged everything for his own longer jump. By then it was late in the day, the sun was going down, and he couldn’t see well. He jumped anyway. When the sound of the rope going taut didn’t sound right, his friend knew something had gone wrong. He went to the base of the cliff where he found Osman dead. His rope had snapped.
Change in Perspective
While Todhunter was researching his book and spending time with Osman, he at first admired the climber and made allowances for his frequent displays of irresponsibility. He compared Osman’s behavior to “Picasso’s philandering” and “Faulkner’s drunkenness,” saying that great artists and athletic geniuses had an “inability or refusal to live within ordinary parameters.” But as Todhunter witnessed one reckless act after another, his point of view changed. He writes, “There are those professionals and volunteers who consciously and repetitively risk their lives in public service—and not infrequently lose them—for a worthy cause. Many of them, like Osman, have families to support. Watching the bridge jumping, I am struck for the first time by its profound pointlessness, by the immeasurable gratuity of the risk.”
Dan Osman’s talent was off the charts. Few people in the world can do what he did. His physical gifts, like those of Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods, or Lance Armstrong, were phenomenal. But his lack of responsibility limited his life, and it eventually killed him. What a tragedy.
The Strength of Responsibility
We live in a culture that overvalues talent and undervalues responsibility. If you doubt that, then examine the way we treat our athletes. When athletes are in high school and college, their reckless or irresponsible acts are often overlooked in proportion to the talent they display on the court or playing field. What a disservice to them. Responsibility actually strengthens talent and increases the opportunity for long-term success. Here is how it helps:
1. Responsibility Provides the Foundation of Success
Sociology professor Tony Campolo points out the importance of having a strong sense of responsibility, especially in a culture like ours that values freedom. Of the American system, he writes,
While I think it lays down the principles that make for the best political system ever devised, the Constitution has one basic flaw. It clearly delineates the Bill of Rights, but it nowhere states a Bill of Responsibilities … Government that ensures people of their rights but fails to clearly spell out their responsibilities, fails to call them to be the kind of people God wants them to be.
I agree wholeheartedly with Campolo’s call for responsibility. In fact, for years I’ve taught leaders that as they move up the ladder and take on greater responsibility, their rights actually decrease. Leadership requires sacrifice. And while taking on responsibility is also a sacrifice, it is one that brings tremendous rewards.
Recently I had the opportunity to spend time on the aircraft carrier USS Enterprise. I received a tour of the ship and listened to many officers explain the various tasks and functions of the 5,500 people aboard the ship. What struck me was that the officers’ messages had a common theme. They talked about the importance of their area to the overall mission of the ship and how the responsibility for those functions was shouldered by a bunch of nineteen-year-old sailors. The officers made these statements with pride.
One officer told me about leading a former gang member under his command. The young man had been given the choice of jail or the navy. The troubled youth became an effective part of the team and was then the leader of his squad. His proudest moments in the military, this officer said, came from helping troubled kids to succeed.
What turned kids into productive citizens and troublemakers into leaders? Responsibility! When they entered the service, they became immersed in a culture of responsibility. That culture demanded that they act accordingly, that they become responsible and productive. When people respond to a call for responsibility by giving their best, good things happen.
The young men and women I met had made the choice to embrace responsibility, and it was creating success for them in the military. It will continue to provide a foundation for their success in the coming years, no matter what they do.
2. Responsibility, Handled Correctly, Leads to More Responsibility
Years ago the editor of the Bellefontaine (Ohio) Examiner, Gene Marine, sent a new sports reporter to cover a big game. The reporter returned to the paper with no report.
“Where’s the story?” asked Marine.
“No report,” replied the reporter.
“What?” growled Marine. “And why not?”
“No game.”
“No game? What happened?” quizzed the editor.
“The stadium collapsed.”
“Then where’s the report on the collapse of the stadium?” demanded Marine.
“That wasn’t my assignment, sir.”
People who handle their responsibilities well get the opportunity to handle additional responsibilities. Those who don’t, don’t.
3. Responsibility Maximizes Ability and Opportunity
During the major-league baseball players’ strike of 1994, many trading card manufacturers found themselves in a tough spot. Pinnacle Brands, however, was determined not to lay off any of its employees. Yet the company had to make some changes to be able to pay everyone until business picked up again. So what did management do? Placed the responsibility on the workers for finding ways to replace the $40 million in lost revenue. CEO Jerry Meyer told his employees, “I’m not going to save your jobs. You’re going to save your jobs. You know what you can change and what you can do differently.”
The people did not let themselves down. A custodian reported that the company spent $50,000 on sodas for conference rooms, an expense that was cut. A finance department worker found a way to streamline trademark searches that saved the company $100,000. A PR manager signed a deal to distribute pins at the Olympics, generating $20 million. In the end, Pinnacle was the only one of the top trading card manufacturers that didn’t lay off workers during the baseball strike.
Responsibility has value, not just in hard times, but at all times. It increases our abilities and gives us opportunities. One reason it does is that it causes us to take action, to make things happen. On the job, we need to take responsibility, not just for what we’re assigned, but for the contribution we make. For example, if you’re in business, at the end of every day you should ask yourself, Did I make a profit for my employer today? If the answer is no, then you may be in trouble. Take responsibility for being a contributor. Every worker needs to be an asset to the company, not an expense.
Author Richard L. Evans remarked, “It is priceless to find a person who will take responsibility, who will finish and follow through to the final detail—to know when someone has accepted an assignment that it will be effectively, conscientiously completed.” When leaders find responsible people, they reward them with opportunities and resources that help them to become more effective.
4. Responsibility, Over Time, Builds a Solid Reputation
Responsible people enjoy an increasingly better reputation. And that is one of the greatest assets of sustained responsibility. Others discover what they can expect from you, and they know they can depend on you. You’re solid.
In contrast, the longer you know a person who lacks responsibility, the less you trust him. It is not surprising to me that the better Andrew Todhunter got to know Dan Osman, the more reservations he had about him and what he was doing. A person may try to compartmentalize his life—taking responsibility in one area and shirking it in another—but in the long run it doesn’t work. Irresponsibility, left unchecked, inevitably grows and spreads into other areas of a person’s life.
A general from American history whose reputation continued to grow was Dwight D. Elsenhower. In fact, his reputation became so strong that it got him elected president. Though he was only an average president, he was an excellent general. One reason was his willingness to take responsibility for his decisions.
During World War II, Elsenhower was responsible for planning the D-Day invasion of Normandy, France. Giving the okay for the assault was a painful decision, one he knew that would lead to the deaths of many servicemen. Yet he also knew that if it was successful, it would be a pivotal point in the war against the Nazis.
Pat Williams, in his book American Scandal, writes that in the hours prior to the assault, Eisenhower handwrote a press release that would be used in the event of the invasion’s failure. It read,
Our landings have failed . . . and I have withdrawn the troops. My decision to attack at this time and this place was based upon the best information available. The troops, the air, and the Navy did all that bravery and devotion to duty could do. If any blame or fault attaches to the attempt, it is mine alone.
Elsenhower had determined that he would take responsibility for whatever happened. That mind-set earned the admiration of his fellow officers, his soldiers, and citizens alike.
If you want others to trust you, to give you greater opportunities and resources to develop and strengthen your talent, and to partner with you, then embrace responsibility and practice it faithfully in every area of your life.
TALENT + RESPONSIBILITY = A TALENT-PLUS PERSON PUTTING THE TALENT-PLUS FORMULA INTO ACTION
There’s no way for me to know your personal history in regard to responsibility. Maybe assuming responsibility has been a problem for you. Or you may have a strong sense of responsibility, and you never drop the ball. Either way, please review the following steps to help you become a talent-plus person when it comes to responsibility:
1. Start Wherever You Are
Greek philosopher Aristotle observed, “We become what we are as that we ourselves make.” Each time you make a responsible decision, you become a more responsible person. Even if your track record hasn’t been good up to now, you can change. Successful people take personal responsibility for their actions and their attitudes. They show response-ability—the ability to choose a correct response, no matter what situation they face. Responsibility is always a choice, and only you can make it.
If being responsible has not been one of your strengths, then start small. You can’t start from anyplace other than where you are. I think you’ll find that when it comes to responsibility, the best helping hand you will ever find is at the end of your arm.
2. Choose Your Friends Wisely
Since I’ve devoted an entire chapter to relationships and how they influence talent, I don’t need to say very much here. Heed the advice of trainer and consultant Kevin Eikenberry, who says, “Look carefully at the closest associations in your life, for that is the direction you are heading.” If you have started your journey on the road to responsibility, just make sure that you have the right traveling companions. You will find it difficult or impossible to be responsible when you spend most of your time with irresponsible people.
3. Stop Blaming Others
The sales manager of a dog food company asked his sales team how they liked the company’s new advertising program.
“Great!” they replied. “The best in the business.”
“What do you think of the product?” he asked.
“Fantastic,” they replied.
“How about the sales force?” he asked.
They were the sales force, so of course they responded positively, saying they were the best.
“Okay then,” the manager asked, “so if we have the best brand, the best packaging, the best advertising program, and the best sales force, why are we in seventeenth place in our industry?”
After an awkward silence, one of the salesmen stated, “It’s those darned dogs—they just won’t eat the stuff!”
If you want to be successful and to maximize your talent as a talent-plus person, you need to stop blaming others, take a good look in the mirror, and take responsibility for your own life. Television host Oprah Winfrey says, “My philosophy is that not only are you responsible for your life, but doing the best at this moment puts you in the best place for the next moment.”
Ron French of the Gannett News Service writes that failing to take responsibility has become pervasive in America:
Ducking responsibility has become an American pastime. We all have learned to play the blame game, where the seven deadly sins are acceptable syndromes, and criminals are victims. From life-long smokers suing able syndromes, and criminals are victims. From life-long smokers suing tobacco companies, to students rationalizing cheating, we’ve become a nation of whiners and cry babies. “It’s part of the American character nowadays,” says Charles Sykes, A Nation of Victims. “We’ve gone from a society of people who were self-reliant to a people who inherently refuse to accept responsibility.”
People who think others are responsible for their situation assign the blame to various individuals, institutions, or entities. Some fault society or “the times.” Some point at the system or “the man.” (Criminals serving time in prison are notorious for blaming others and declaring their innocence.) Others rail against the previous generation as the cause of their problems. But do you know why? Cartoonist Doug Larson observed, “The reason people blame things on previous generations is that there’s only one other choice.”
Some of the best advice you could follow on this subject came from President Theodore Roosevelt: “Do what you can with what you have, where you are.” That’s all any of us can do. Don’t make excuses. Don’t look for others to blame. Just focus on the present and do your best. And if you make a mistake or fail, find whatever fault you can inside yourself and try to do better the next time around.
4. Learn Responsibility’s Major Lessons
There are four core lessons we need to learn if we want to display the kind of responsibility that makes us talent-plus people. The lessons are simple and obvious. They are also very difficult to master:
Recognize that gaining success means practicing self-discipline. The first victory we must win is over ourselves. We must learn to control ourselves. You can use any incentive you want to do this: the desire to follow moral or ethical values, rewards for delayed gratification, even the threat of public exposure. Business executive John Weston commented, “I’ve always tried to live with the following simple rule: Don’t do what you wouldn’t feel comfortable reading about in the newspaper the next day.” Every time you stop yourself from doing what you shouldn’t or start yourself doing what you should, you are strengthening your self-discipline and increasing your capacity for responsibility.
What you start, finish. There are two kinds of people in the world: those who do and those who might. Responsible people follow through. If they make a commitment, they see it through. They finish. And that is how others evaluate them. Are they dependable or not? Can I rely on them? Writer Ben Ames Williams observed, “Life is the acceptance of responsibilities or their evasion; it is a business of meeting obligations or avoiding them. To every man the choice is continually being offered, and by the manner of his choosing you may fairly measure him.”
Know when others are depending on you. Talent does not succeed on its own. (I’ll discuss that in detail in the next chapter.) If you desire to be successful, you will need others. Sometimes you will have to depend on them. And there will be times they need to depend on you. In my book The 17 Indisputable Laws of Teamwork, I write about the Law of Countability, which says, “Teammates must be able to count on each other when it counts.”
The first step in making yourself the kind of person others can depend on is being dependable. The second is taking the focus off yourself and becoming aware that others are depending on you. Having the intention to be responsible isn’t enough. Your actions need to come through.
Don’t expect others to step in for you. The following challenge was issued to the 1992 graduating class of the University of South Carolina by Alexander M. Saunders Jr., chief judge of the South Carolina Court of Appeals:
As responsibility is passed to your hands, it will not do, as you live the rest of your life, to assume that someone else will bear the major burdens, that someone else will demonstrate the key convictions, that someone else will run for office, that someone else will take care of the poor, that someone else will visit the sick, protect civil rights, enforce the law, preserve culture, transmit value, maintain civilization, and defend freedom.
You must never forget that what you do not value will not be valued, that what you do not remember will not be remembered, that what you do not change will not be changed, that what you do not do will not be done. You can, if you will, craft a society whose leaders, business and political, are less obsessed with the need for money. It is not really a question of what to do but simply the will to do it.
Many people sit back and wait for someone else to step up and take responsibility. Sometimes that is because of weak character—laziness, lack of resolve, and so on. But more often it comes from poor judgment or low self-esteem. People believe that someone else is more qualified or better situated to stand up and make a difference. But the truth is that most of the people who make a difference do so not because they are the best for the job but because they decided to try.
5. Make Tough Decisions and Stand by Them
When he was mayor of New York City, Rudy Giuliani kept a sign on his desk that stated, “I’m responsible.” In his book Leadership, he writes,
Throughout my career, I’ve maintained that accountability—the idea that the people who work for me are answerable to those we work for—is the cornerstone, and this starts with me ... Nothing builds confidence in a leader more than the willingness to take responsibility for what happens during his watch. One might add that nothing builds a stronger case for holding employees to a high standard than a boss who holds himself to an even higher one. This is true in any organization, but it’s particularly true in government.
That mind-set served him well during the crisis of 9-11 in 2001. He had to make many tough decisions very quickly. And whether they were right or wrong, he stood by them. His tough-minded responsibility coupled with strong leadership served the people well during that difficult time.
President Abraham Lincoln said, “You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.” Easy decisions may make us look good, but making tough ones— and taking ownership of them—makes us better.
6. Live Beyond Yourself
There is one more aspect of responsibility that I want to share with you. It will make you a talent-plus person beyond the level of those who simply take responsibility for themselves. It is the idea of taking responsibility beyond yourself by serving others. In a speech to the Massachusetts legislature on the eve of his presidency, John F. Kennedy said,
For of those to whom much is given, much is required. And when at some future date the high court of history sits in judgment on each one of us—recording whether in our brief span of service we fulfilled our win responsibilities to the state—our success or failure, in whatever office we may hold, will be measured by the answers to four questions. First, were we truly men of courage [?] . . . Secondly, were we truly men of judgment [?] . . . Third, were we truly men of integrity [?] . . . Finally, were we truly men of dedication [?]
Self-serving people regard their talent and resources as what they own. Serving people regard their talent and resources as what’s on loan.
Holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel, who won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1986, spent the years after his time in the Nazi concentration camps trying to give back to others. He taught as a professor at Boston University. He also traveled extensively giving talks and sharing the wisdom he gained from his life experiences. One of the questions he asked young people was, “How will you cope with the privileges and obligations society will feel entitled to place on you?” As he tried to guide them, he shared his sense of responsibility to others:
What I receive I must pass on to others. The knowledge that I have must not remain imprisoned in my brain. I owe it to many men and women to do something with it. I feel the need to pay back what was given to me. Call it gratitude … To learn means to accept the postulate that life did not begin at my birth. Others have been there before me, and I walk in their footsteps.
Practicing responsibility will do great things for you. It will strengthen your talent, advance your skills, and increase your opportunities. It will improve your quality of life during the day and help you to sleep better at night. But it will also improve the lives of the people around you.
If you want your life to be a magnificent story, then realize that you are its author. Every day you have the chance to write a new page in that story. I want to encourage you to fill those pages with responsibility to others and yourself. If you do, in the end you will not be disappointed.
Extreme Talent
One day when I was flipping through television channels, I came across a program on PBS about rock climbers. What amazed me were their Spiderman-like qualities. The program focused on Dan Osman, a man in his midthirties who scrambled up a rock face in record time without the benefit of safety ropes. At one point in his climb, he literally jumped in order to reach a handhold and was momentarily airborne. If he had missed the hold he was reaching for, the fall would have killed him.
Intrigued, I did some research. I discovered that this particular climb was in California at a place called Lover’s Leap. The route he took is called Bear’s Reach. Evidently specific routes are named and rated by the first climber to successfully navigate them. Bear’s Reach is considered a 5.7 in difficulty on the Yosemite Decimal System. I didn’t know what that meant, so I looked it up. Any climb that begins with a 5 involves “climbing involving technical moves and protective hardware in case of a fall” or “thin, exposed climbing, requiring skill (the holds are not obvious to a novice—this is where weird moves such as laybacks, underclings, and evangelical hammerlocks come into play) . . . where serious injury or death is very likely if you take an unprotected fall.
In other words, it was very difficult. One rock climbing guide estimated that the average time it would take to climb the 400-foot-tall cliff face of Bear’s Reach was three hours. That would typically be done using safety ropes. On camera, Osman did what’s called a free solo climb—with no help and no ropes—just him against the rock face. He accomplished the feat in 4 minutes, 25 seconds! (Go to the Internet, type in his name on a search engine, and you will find a video of him in action.)
Developing His Skills
Osman started rock climbing when he was twelve years old. The son of a police officer father and a champion barrel racer mother, he is the descendant of samurai warriors. As a kid, he studied kung fu and aikido, a Japanese martial art that places high value on balance, control, and economy of motion. It took Osman eight years to become an expert climber, slow in his opinion, but he developed into a world-class climber and an expert rope rigger.
After more than a decade of climbing, Osman began experimenting with free falling. That’s where a person jumps bungee-fashion from a high place, such as a bridge or cliff, but instead of being connected to a springy bungee cord, he is connected to a climber’s rope. The rope has some stretch, but the fall is much more dramatic. It requires expert rigging and iron nerves. Osman began setting and breaking records for free falls. He became a legend among climbers and BASE jumpers (people who parachute from fixed objects). His fame grew, and soon creators of TV commercials and print ads started calling him.
Unlimited Talent – Limited Responsibility
But there was another side to Dan Osman. He had a difficult time functioning in the real world. His friends joked about Dano time—showing up to appointments hours late or sometimes not at all. His mother’s childhood nickname for him was “Danny I Forgot.” He continually received tickets for speeding and driving with a suspended license or unregistered vehicle—which he neglected to pay. He regularly depended on others to rescue him. Andrew Todhunter, who was so intrigued with Osman that he spent time with him over the course of three years and wrote a book about the experience, writes about Osman’s arrest for unpaid traffic violations. As Osman was being led away, he asked the writer to call friends, a retired couple who had “adopted” him. They were used to bailing him out. The woman, a retired executive, remarked, “I do worry a lot for him . . . What scares me is his jumping. He continues to want to jump farther and farther. I told him, ‘You’re not getting any younger, Dan. You’re going to have to think about your future a little more.’” Her concern was not for just him. Osman had a twelve-year-old daughter named Emma. He also had a live-in fiancée with a daughter.
Todhunter was amazed that Osman had such intense attention to detail and a strong sense of responsibility when climbing but so little for the rest of life. And he asked Osman about his responsibility to his daughter.
“If I fell while soloing I’d go against everything I represent, which is not pushing it, which is having the route ‘in hand.’ By dying I would let everybody down—my family, my friends,” said Osman. “I’d be robbing her if I fell. She knows her dad’s rad. Other dads don’t do this. She’s afraid, but she’s proud of what I’m doing. It’s like my father: I worry about him, getting shot, but then I hear what a good cop he is. And there’s a plaque on the wall: Officer of the Year.”
Record Breaker
On November 23, 1998, Dan Osman attempted his longest free fall 1,000 feet. He had originally intended to set the new record on October 26. He had prepared his rigging at Yosemite’s Leaning Tower and did some intermediate-distance jumps all the way up to 900 feet. Then he some intermediate-distance jumps all the way up to 900 feet. Then he got a call from Emma. She was crying; she was worried about him. He dropped everything and went to see her. Two days later he was back at Yosemite and ready to resume his jumps, but he was arrested for the kinds of things he never took responsibility for: parking tickets and a suspended license. He spent fourteen days in jail.
His friend filmmaker Eric Perlman, who had offered his house against Osman’s bail, talked to him after he got out of jail. Perlman recalls, “I told him, ‘You’ve gone far enough, pushed it probably farther than it should be pushed. Nobody’s going to touch this one [record] for a long time. Take the rig down, show the judge you’re serious, that you’re playing by the rules here.’ And he agreed absolutely. He said, ‘You know, you’re right. It’s what I should do. And my guardian angels need a break anyway. They’ve been working overtime for me.’”
But when Osman went back with a friend on November 22 to take down his rigging and pack up all his equipment, he couldn’t resist the urge to go for another record. First, he jumped at 925 feet. The next day, he talked his friend into jumping. Then Osman hastily rerigged everything for his own longer jump. By then it was late in the day, the sun was going down, and he couldn’t see well. He jumped anyway. When the sound of the rope going taut didn’t sound right, his friend knew something had gone wrong. He went to the base of the cliff where he found Osman dead. His rope had snapped.
Change in Perspective
While Todhunter was researching his book and spending time with Osman, he at first admired the climber and made allowances for his frequent displays of irresponsibility. He compared Osman’s behavior to “Picasso’s philandering” and “Faulkner’s drunkenness,” saying that great artists and athletic geniuses had an “inability or refusal to live within ordinary parameters.” But as Todhunter witnessed one reckless act after another, his point of view changed. He writes, “There are those professionals and volunteers who consciously and repetitively risk their lives in public service—and not infrequently lose them—for a worthy cause. Many of them, like Osman, have families to support. Watching the bridge jumping, I am struck for the first time by its profound pointlessness, by the immeasurable gratuity of the risk.”
Dan Osman’s talent was off the charts. Few people in the world can do what he did. His physical gifts, like those of Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods, or Lance Armstrong, were phenomenal. But his lack of responsibility limited his life, and it eventually killed him. What a tragedy.
The Strength of Responsibility
We live in a culture that overvalues talent and undervalues responsibility. If you doubt that, then examine the way we treat our athletes. When athletes are in high school and college, their reckless or irresponsible acts are often overlooked in proportion to the talent they display on the court or playing field. What a disservice to them. Responsibility actually strengthens talent and increases the opportunity for long-term success. Here is how it helps:
1. Responsibility Provides the Foundation of Success
Sociology professor Tony Campolo points out the importance of having a strong sense of responsibility, especially in a culture like ours that values freedom. Of the American system, he writes,
While I think it lays down the principles that make for the best political system ever devised, the Constitution has one basic flaw. It clearly delineates the Bill of Rights, but it nowhere states a Bill of Responsibilities … Government that ensures people of their rights but fails to clearly spell out their responsibilities, fails to call them to be the kind of people God wants them to be.
I agree wholeheartedly with Campolo’s call for responsibility. In fact, for years I’ve taught leaders that as they move up the ladder and take on greater responsibility, their rights actually decrease. Leadership requires sacrifice. And while taking on responsibility is also a sacrifice, it is one that brings tremendous rewards.
Recently I had the opportunity to spend time on the aircraft carrier USS Enterprise. I received a tour of the ship and listened to many officers explain the various tasks and functions of the 5,500 people aboard the ship. What struck me was that the officers’ messages had a common theme. They talked about the importance of their area to the overall mission of the ship and how the responsibility for those functions was shouldered by a bunch of nineteen-year-old sailors. The officers made these statements with pride.
One officer told me about leading a former gang member under his command. The young man had been given the choice of jail or the navy. The troubled youth became an effective part of the team and was then the leader of his squad. His proudest moments in the military, this officer said, came from helping troubled kids to succeed.
What turned kids into productive citizens and troublemakers into leaders? Responsibility! When they entered the service, they became immersed in a culture of responsibility. That culture demanded that they act accordingly, that they become responsible and productive. When people respond to a call for responsibility by giving their best, good things happen.
The young men and women I met had made the choice to embrace responsibility, and it was creating success for them in the military. It will continue to provide a foundation for their success in the coming years, no matter what they do.
2. Responsibility, Handled Correctly, Leads to More Responsibility
Years ago the editor of the Bellefontaine (Ohio) Examiner, Gene Marine, sent a new sports reporter to cover a big game. The reporter returned to the paper with no report.
“Where’s the story?” asked Marine.
“No report,” replied the reporter.
“What?” growled Marine. “And why not?”
“No game.”
“No game? What happened?” quizzed the editor.
“The stadium collapsed.”
“Then where’s the report on the collapse of the stadium?” demanded Marine.
“That wasn’t my assignment, sir.”
People who handle their responsibilities well get the opportunity to handle additional responsibilities. Those who don’t, don’t.
3. Responsibility Maximizes Ability and Opportunity
During the major-league baseball players’ strike of 1994, many trading card manufacturers found themselves in a tough spot. Pinnacle Brands, however, was determined not to lay off any of its employees. Yet the company had to make some changes to be able to pay everyone until business picked up again. So what did management do? Placed the responsibility on the workers for finding ways to replace the $40 million in lost revenue. CEO Jerry Meyer told his employees, “I’m not going to save your jobs. You’re going to save your jobs. You know what you can change and what you can do differently.”
The people did not let themselves down. A custodian reported that the company spent $50,000 on sodas for conference rooms, an expense that was cut. A finance department worker found a way to streamline trademark searches that saved the company $100,000. A PR manager signed a deal to distribute pins at the Olympics, generating $20 million. In the end, Pinnacle was the only one of the top trading card manufacturers that didn’t lay off workers during the baseball strike.
Responsibility has value, not just in hard times, but at all times. It increases our abilities and gives us opportunities. One reason it does is that it causes us to take action, to make things happen. On the job, we need to take responsibility, not just for what we’re assigned, but for the contribution we make. For example, if you’re in business, at the end of every day you should ask yourself, Did I make a profit for my employer today? If the answer is no, then you may be in trouble. Take responsibility for being a contributor. Every worker needs to be an asset to the company, not an expense.
Author Richard L. Evans remarked, “It is priceless to find a person who will take responsibility, who will finish and follow through to the final detail—to know when someone has accepted an assignment that it will be effectively, conscientiously completed.” When leaders find responsible people, they reward them with opportunities and resources that help them to become more effective.
4. Responsibility, Over Time, Builds a Solid Reputation
Responsible people enjoy an increasingly better reputation. And that is one of the greatest assets of sustained responsibility. Others discover what they can expect from you, and they know they can depend on you. You’re solid.
In contrast, the longer you know a person who lacks responsibility, the less you trust him. It is not surprising to me that the better Andrew Todhunter got to know Dan Osman, the more reservations he had about him and what he was doing. A person may try to compartmentalize his life—taking responsibility in one area and shirking it in another—but in the long run it doesn’t work. Irresponsibility, left unchecked, inevitably grows and spreads into other areas of a person’s life.
A general from American history whose reputation continued to grow was Dwight D. Elsenhower. In fact, his reputation became so strong that it got him elected president. Though he was only an average president, he was an excellent general. One reason was his willingness to take responsibility for his decisions.
During World War II, Elsenhower was responsible for planning the D-Day invasion of Normandy, France. Giving the okay for the assault was a painful decision, one he knew that would lead to the deaths of many servicemen. Yet he also knew that if it was successful, it would be a pivotal point in the war against the Nazis.
Pat Williams, in his book American Scandal, writes that in the hours prior to the assault, Eisenhower handwrote a press release that would be used in the event of the invasion’s failure. It read,
Our landings have failed . . . and I have withdrawn the troops. My decision to attack at this time and this place was based upon the best information available. The troops, the air, and the Navy did all that bravery and devotion to duty could do. If any blame or fault attaches to the attempt, it is mine alone.
Elsenhower had determined that he would take responsibility for whatever happened. That mind-set earned the admiration of his fellow officers, his soldiers, and citizens alike.
If you want others to trust you, to give you greater opportunities and resources to develop and strengthen your talent, and to partner with you, then embrace responsibility and practice it faithfully in every area of your life.
TALENT + RESPONSIBILITY = A TALENT-PLUS PERSON PUTTING THE TALENT-PLUS FORMULA INTO ACTION
There’s no way for me to know your personal history in regard to responsibility. Maybe assuming responsibility has been a problem for you. Or you may have a strong sense of responsibility, and you never drop the ball. Either way, please review the following steps to help you become a talent-plus person when it comes to responsibility:
1. Start Wherever You Are
Greek philosopher Aristotle observed, “We become what we are as that we ourselves make.” Each time you make a responsible decision, you become a more responsible person. Even if your track record hasn’t been good up to now, you can change. Successful people take personal responsibility for their actions and their attitudes. They show response-ability—the ability to choose a correct response, no matter what situation they face. Responsibility is always a choice, and only you can make it.
If being responsible has not been one of your strengths, then start small. You can’t start from anyplace other than where you are. I think you’ll find that when it comes to responsibility, the best helping hand you will ever find is at the end of your arm.
2. Choose Your Friends Wisely
Since I’ve devoted an entire chapter to relationships and how they influence talent, I don’t need to say very much here. Heed the advice of trainer and consultant Kevin Eikenberry, who says, “Look carefully at the closest associations in your life, for that is the direction you are heading.” If you have started your journey on the road to responsibility, just make sure that you have the right traveling companions. You will find it difficult or impossible to be responsible when you spend most of your time with irresponsible people.
3. Stop Blaming Others
The sales manager of a dog food company asked his sales team how they liked the company’s new advertising program.
“Great!” they replied. “The best in the business.”
“What do you think of the product?” he asked.
“Fantastic,” they replied.
“How about the sales force?” he asked.
They were the sales force, so of course they responded positively, saying they were the best.
“Okay then,” the manager asked, “so if we have the best brand, the best packaging, the best advertising program, and the best sales force, why are we in seventeenth place in our industry?”
After an awkward silence, one of the salesmen stated, “It’s those darned dogs—they just won’t eat the stuff!”
If you want to be successful and to maximize your talent as a talent-plus person, you need to stop blaming others, take a good look in the mirror, and take responsibility for your own life. Television host Oprah Winfrey says, “My philosophy is that not only are you responsible for your life, but doing the best at this moment puts you in the best place for the next moment.”
Ron French of the Gannett News Service writes that failing to take responsibility has become pervasive in America:
Ducking responsibility has become an American pastime. We all have learned to play the blame game, where the seven deadly sins are acceptable syndromes, and criminals are victims. From life-long smokers suing able syndromes, and criminals are victims. From life-long smokers suing tobacco companies, to students rationalizing cheating, we’ve become a nation of whiners and cry babies. “It’s part of the American character nowadays,” says Charles Sykes, A Nation of Victims. “We’ve gone from a society of people who were self-reliant to a people who inherently refuse to accept responsibility.”
People who think others are responsible for their situation assign the blame to various individuals, institutions, or entities. Some fault society or “the times.” Some point at the system or “the man.” (Criminals serving time in prison are notorious for blaming others and declaring their innocence.) Others rail against the previous generation as the cause of their problems. But do you know why? Cartoonist Doug Larson observed, “The reason people blame things on previous generations is that there’s only one other choice.”
Some of the best advice you could follow on this subject came from President Theodore Roosevelt: “Do what you can with what you have, where you are.” That’s all any of us can do. Don’t make excuses. Don’t look for others to blame. Just focus on the present and do your best. And if you make a mistake or fail, find whatever fault you can inside yourself and try to do better the next time around.
4. Learn Responsibility’s Major Lessons
There are four core lessons we need to learn if we want to display the kind of responsibility that makes us talent-plus people. The lessons are simple and obvious. They are also very difficult to master:
Recognize that gaining success means practicing self-discipline. The first victory we must win is over ourselves. We must learn to control ourselves. You can use any incentive you want to do this: the desire to follow moral or ethical values, rewards for delayed gratification, even the threat of public exposure. Business executive John Weston commented, “I’ve always tried to live with the following simple rule: Don’t do what you wouldn’t feel comfortable reading about in the newspaper the next day.” Every time you stop yourself from doing what you shouldn’t or start yourself doing what you should, you are strengthening your self-discipline and increasing your capacity for responsibility.
What you start, finish. There are two kinds of people in the world: those who do and those who might. Responsible people follow through. If they make a commitment, they see it through. They finish. And that is how others evaluate them. Are they dependable or not? Can I rely on them? Writer Ben Ames Williams observed, “Life is the acceptance of responsibilities or their evasion; it is a business of meeting obligations or avoiding them. To every man the choice is continually being offered, and by the manner of his choosing you may fairly measure him.”
Know when others are depending on you. Talent does not succeed on its own. (I’ll discuss that in detail in the next chapter.) If you desire to be successful, you will need others. Sometimes you will have to depend on them. And there will be times they need to depend on you. In my book The 17 Indisputable Laws of Teamwork, I write about the Law of Countability, which says, “Teammates must be able to count on each other when it counts.”
The first step in making yourself the kind of person others can depend on is being dependable. The second is taking the focus off yourself and becoming aware that others are depending on you. Having the intention to be responsible isn’t enough. Your actions need to come through.
Don’t expect others to step in for you. The following challenge was issued to the 1992 graduating class of the University of South Carolina by Alexander M. Saunders Jr., chief judge of the South Carolina Court of Appeals:
As responsibility is passed to your hands, it will not do, as you live the rest of your life, to assume that someone else will bear the major burdens, that someone else will demonstrate the key convictions, that someone else will run for office, that someone else will take care of the poor, that someone else will visit the sick, protect civil rights, enforce the law, preserve culture, transmit value, maintain civilization, and defend freedom.
You must never forget that what you do not value will not be valued, that what you do not remember will not be remembered, that what you do not change will not be changed, that what you do not do will not be done. You can, if you will, craft a society whose leaders, business and political, are less obsessed with the need for money. It is not really a question of what to do but simply the will to do it.
Many people sit back and wait for someone else to step up and take responsibility. Sometimes that is because of weak character—laziness, lack of resolve, and so on. But more often it comes from poor judgment or low self-esteem. People believe that someone else is more qualified or better situated to stand up and make a difference. But the truth is that most of the people who make a difference do so not because they are the best for the job but because they decided to try.
5. Make Tough Decisions and Stand by Them
When he was mayor of New York City, Rudy Giuliani kept a sign on his desk that stated, “I’m responsible.” In his book Leadership, he writes,
Throughout my career, I’ve maintained that accountability—the idea that the people who work for me are answerable to those we work for—is the cornerstone, and this starts with me ... Nothing builds confidence in a leader more than the willingness to take responsibility for what happens during his watch. One might add that nothing builds a stronger case for holding employees to a high standard than a boss who holds himself to an even higher one. This is true in any organization, but it’s particularly true in government.
That mind-set served him well during the crisis of 9-11 in 2001. He had to make many tough decisions very quickly. And whether they were right or wrong, he stood by them. His tough-minded responsibility coupled with strong leadership served the people well during that difficult time.
President Abraham Lincoln said, “You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.” Easy decisions may make us look good, but making tough ones— and taking ownership of them—makes us better.
6. Live Beyond Yourself
There is one more aspect of responsibility that I want to share with you. It will make you a talent-plus person beyond the level of those who simply take responsibility for themselves. It is the idea of taking responsibility beyond yourself by serving others. In a speech to the Massachusetts legislature on the eve of his presidency, John F. Kennedy said,
For of those to whom much is given, much is required. And when at some future date the high court of history sits in judgment on each one of us—recording whether in our brief span of service we fulfilled our win responsibilities to the state—our success or failure, in whatever office we may hold, will be measured by the answers to four questions. First, were we truly men of courage [?] . . . Secondly, were we truly men of judgment [?] . . . Third, were we truly men of integrity [?] . . . Finally, were we truly men of dedication [?]
Self-serving people regard their talent and resources as what they own. Serving people regard their talent and resources as what’s on loan.
Holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel, who won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1986, spent the years after his time in the Nazi concentration camps trying to give back to others. He taught as a professor at Boston University. He also traveled extensively giving talks and sharing the wisdom he gained from his life experiences. One of the questions he asked young people was, “How will you cope with the privileges and obligations society will feel entitled to place on you?” As he tried to guide them, he shared his sense of responsibility to others:
What I receive I must pass on to others. The knowledge that I have must not remain imprisoned in my brain. I owe it to many men and women to do something with it. I feel the need to pay back what was given to me. Call it gratitude … To learn means to accept the postulate that life did not begin at my birth. Others have been there before me, and I walk in their footsteps.
Practicing responsibility will do great things for you. It will strengthen your talent, advance your skills, and increase your opportunities. It will improve your quality of life during the day and help you to sleep better at night. But it will also improve the lives of the people around you.
If you want your life to be a magnificent story, then realize that you are its author. Every day you have the chance to write a new page in that story. I want to encourage you to fill those pages with responsibility to others and yourself. If you do, in the end you will not be disappointed.
Relationships Influence Your Talent
In his book My Personal Best, John Wooden writes, “There is a choice you have to make in everything you do, so keep in mind that in the end, the choice you make makes you.” Nowhere is this more evident than in your relationships. Nothing will influence your talent as much as the important relationships in your life. Surround yourself with people who add value to you and encourage you, and your talent will go in a positive direction. Spend time with people who constantly drain you, pull you in the wrong direction, or try to knock you down, and it will be almost impossible for your talent to take flight. People can trace the successes and failures in their lives to their most significant relationships.
Music Legend
In 2005, Margaret and I went to see the movie Walk the Line. I have to admit, I didn’t know very much about Johnny Cash before I saw the movie, but I was fascinated by his relationship with June Carter. And that got me reading about them.
During his career, Johnny Cash recorded more than 1,500 songs, had 14 number one hit songs, was awarded 11 Grammys, and sold 50 million albums. He was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, the Songwriters Hall of Fame, and the Country Music Hall of Fame. He was a huge star. In 1959, he made a quarter of a million dollars by playing concerts. In 1961, he performed at 290 concerts attended by nearly a million people. He was a major influence on performers such as Elvis and Bob Dylan. And he was as much of a mess as the movie depicted him to be.
Legendary Mess
Cash took his first pill—an amphetamine tablet called Benzedrine—in 1957. He was instantly hooked.
“It increased my energy, it sharpened my wit, it banished my shyness, it improved my timing, it turned me on like electricity flowing through a light bulb,” Cash recalled. For the next ten years, Cash was addicted to pills. “Every pill I took was an attempt to regain the wonderful, natural feeling of euphoria I experienced the first time. Not a single one of them, not even one among many thousands that slowly tore me away from my family and my God and myself, ever worked. It was never as great as the first time, no matter how hard I tried to make it so.” And Cash tried Cash tried hard to make it so.
The damage that it did him was all that the movie Walk the Line showed and even more. At one point, Cash decided that he couldn’t stand to live with it anymore. In his autobiography, Cash explained what happened:
I just went on and on. I was taking amphetamines by the handful, literally, and barbiturates by the handful too, not to sleep but just to stop the shaking from the amphetamines. I was canceling shows and recording dates, and when I did manage to show up, I couldn’t sing because my throat was too dried out from the pills. My weight was down to 155 pounds on a six-foot, one-and-a-half-inch frame. I was in and out of jails, hospitals, car wrecks. I was a walking vision of death, and that’s exactly how I felt. I was scraping the filthy bottom of the barrel of life.
Having lost all hope, Cash traveled to Tennessee to Nickajack Cave, a series of deep caves he had visited before, where spelunkers and explorers had sometimes lost their way and died failing to find a way out. Cash intended to share their fate. He parked his Jeep, went in, and crawled for hours—until the batteries in his flashlight gave out. Then he lay down in the dark to die.
Cash said in the dark he experienced an encounter with God, and he realized his life was not his own to throw away. With newfound hope, he decided to start crawling in the dark. Miraculously he found his way out. And when he emerged blinking in the sunlight, he was dumbfounded and confused to find his mother and June Carter waiting for him. “I knew there was something wrong. I had to come and find you,” his mother told him. She had traveled all the way from California.
Recovery
During the next few weeks and months, June Carter and her mother cared for him, shielded him from negative influences, and nursed him back to health, similar to the way it was depicted in the movie, in the past June had tried to help Cash, encouraging him to give up the drugs, and often getting rid of them. Now Cash readily accepted her help. A few months later, they were married. For the next thirty-five years, they were inseparable. And in the 1980s when Cash got addicted to painkillers due to a stomach problem, she helped him recover again. The battle was so hard-fought that when Cash later underwent heart bypass surgery, he refused any painkillers.
Walk the Line depicted June Carter as a positive influence on Johnny Cash, but even as good a job as it did, it couldn’t capture her true character. Perhaps the best description came from Rosanne Cash, Johnny’s daughter from his first marriage. At June’s funeral, Rosanne said:
In her eyes, there were two kinds of people in the world: those she knew and loved, and those she didn’t know and loved. She looked for the best in everyone; it was a way of life for her. If you pointed out that a particular person was perhaps not totally deserving of her love, and might in fact be somewhat of a lout, she would say, “Well, honey, we just have to lift him up.” She was forever lifting people up. It took me just have to lift him up.” She was forever lifting people up. It took me a long time to understand that what she did when she lifted you up was to mirror the very best parts of you back to yourself. She was like a spiritual detective: she saw into all your dark corners and deep recesses, saw your potential and your possible future, and the gifts you didn’t even know you possessed, and she “lifted them up” for you to see. She did it for all of us, daily, continuously. But her great mission and passion were lifting up my dad. If being a wife were a corporation, June would have been the CEO. It was her most treasured role. She began every day by saying, “What can I do for you, John?” Her love filled up every room he was in, lightened every path he walked, and her devotion created a sacred, exhilarating place for them to live out their married life. My daddy has lost his dearest companion, his musical counterpart, his soul mate and best friend.
The bottom line is that June Carter made Johnny Cash a better man. He reached his potential as an artist and as a human being in large part because of her influence. Cash put her impact on him in perspective a few years before they died:
The publicity in the 1960s was that June saved my life, and I sometimes still hear it said that she’s the reason I’m alive today. That may be true, but knowing what I do about addiction and survival, I’m fully aware that the only human being who can save you is yourself. What June did for me was post signs along the way, lift me up when I was weak, encourage me when I was discouraged, and love me when I felt alone and unlovable. She’s the greatest woman I have ever known.
The Impact of Relationships
I think many people mistakenly minimize the impact that other people can have on their lives. My parents understood the influence of relationships. Today as I look back on my formative years, I see how intentional they were about who we spent time with and who we selected as our friends. My parents made our house the place to be in the neighborhood. We had a pool table, a Ping-Pong table, and a chemistry set in our basement. We had a shuffleboard court, a basketball court, and a Wiffle ball diamond in our yard. Everybody wanted to come to our house. And that was the strategy. My parents wanted to be able to know the kids we played with. Typical of the times (it was the 1950s and 1960s), my mom didn’t work outside the home, so she was always there to keep an eye on us.
Mom was always on the periphery of our play, fixing us lunch or a cold drink, putting Band-Aids on cuts, and observing the interaction and behavior of each person. Every now and then, she would ask my brother, Larry, my sister, Trish, or me about a particular friend. As children, we had no idea of the importance of associating with good kids rather than bad ones, but our parents did. They made sure the influences on our lives were positive.
Years later when I was an adult and I spent several hours a week counseling people, I learned through daily observation what my parents knew. Almost all our sorrows can be traced to relationships with the wrong people and our joys to relationships with the right people.
The Direction Relationships Take Us
The relationships in our lives really do make or break us. They either lift us up or take us down. They add, or they subtract. They help to give us energy, or they take it away. Here’s what I mean:
Some Relationships Take from Us
There are a couple of good ways to tell whether a relationship is positive or negative. The first is to note whether a person makes you feel better or worse about yourself. The second relates to how much energy the relationship requires. Let’s face it, some relationships feel as if they could suck the life out of you. In his book High Maintenance Relationships, Les Parrott identifies the types of people who are likely to hurt us and take energy from us. Here are some of them:
Critics constantly complain or give unwanted advice.
Martyrs are forever the victim and wracked with self-pity.
Wet blankets are pessimistic and habitually negative.
Steamrollers are blindly insensitive to others.
Gossips spread rumors and leak secrets.
Control freaks are unable to let go and let things be.
Backstabbers are irrepressively two-faced.
Green-eyed monsters seethe with envy.
Volcanoes build steam and are always ready to erupt.
Sponges are always in need but never give anything back.
Competitors always keep track of tit for tat.
Les also offers a straightforward quiz that can help you tell whether someone in your life is a negative person who takes energy from you. Answer yes or no to each of the following questions:
1. Do you feel especially anxious when a particular person has called and left a message for you to return the call?
2. Have you recently been dealing with a relationship that drains you of enthusiasm and energy?
3. Do you sometimes dread having to see or talk to a particular person at work or in a social situation?
4. Do you have a relationship in which you give more than you get in return?
5. Do you find yourself second-guessing your own performance as a result of an interaction with this person?
6. Do you become more self-critical in the presence of this person?
7. Is your creativity blocked, or is your clarity of mind hampered somewhat, by the lingering discomfort of having to deal with a difficult person?
8. Do you try to calm yourself after being with this person by eating more, biting your nails, or engaging in some other unhealthy habit?
9. Do you ever have imaginary conversations with this person or mental arguments in which you defend yourself or try to explain your side of a conflict?
10. Have you become more susceptible to colds, stomach problems, or muscle tension since having to deal with this difficult person?
11. Do you feel resentful that this person seems to treat other people better than she or he treats you?
12. Do you find yourself wondering why this person singles you out for criticism but rarely acknowledges things you do well?
13. Have you thought about quitting your job as a result of having to interact with this difficult person?
14. Have you noticed that you are more irritable or impatient with people you care about because of leftover frustrations from your interaction with this difficult person?
15. Are you feeling discouraged that this person has continued to drain you of energy despite your efforts to improve the relationship?
Les says that if you answered yes to ten or more of the questions, then you are certainly in a high-maintenance relationship.
I don’t mean to imply that only negative relationships require you to put energy into them. All relationships require you to give some energy. Relationships don’t cultivate and sustain themselves. The question is, how much energy do they require? And do they give anything in return? For example, some of the positive relationships that require a tremendous amount of energy in my life include:
· My family—every family has ups and down, but that’s okay; that’s what it means to be in a family.
· My inner circle of friends—these people get everything I’ve got, and they give their all, too; that’s what friendship is all about.
· My team—leadership begins with a serving attitude; I always try to give more than I receive.
· Those less fortunate than I am—every year I travel to developing countries to train leaders and add value to people through EQUIP, my nonprofit organization.
If a relationship requires you to expend energy some of the time, that’s normal. If a relationship saps your energy all the time, then that relationship has a negative effect on you. You may be able to see its effects in many areas of your life. It dilutes your talent because it robs you of energy that you could be using toward your best gifts and skills. It distracts you from your purpose. And it detracts from your best efforts. In the long run, a negative relationship cannot influence your talent in a positive direction.
Some Relationships Add to Us
Some relationships clearly make us better. They energize, inspire, and validate us. They lift us up and give us joy. We should consider the people in these relationships friends and value them highly. Helen Keller remarked, “My friends have made the story of my life. In a thousand ways they have turned my limitations into beautiful privileges, and enabled me to walk serene and happy in the shadow cast by my deprivation.”
In my book The Treasure of a Friend, I reflect on the nature of friendship. Who else but a friend is there . . .
to believe in your dreams,
to share your joys,
to dry your tears,
to give you hope,
to comfort your hurts,
to listen,
to laugh with you,
to show you a better way,
to tell you the truth,
to encourage you.
Who else can do that for you?
That’s what friends are for.
Not long ago, I sat down and listed the types of people who add value to my life and give me energy. Here is what I wrote:
1. My family—the best moments with my family are my best moments.
2. Creative people—they unleash creativity within me like no others.
3. Successful people—I love to hear their stories.
4. Encouraging people—encouragement is like oxygen to my soul.
5. Fun people—laughter always lifts my spirit.
6. Good thinkers—conversations with them are my favorite things.
7. My team—they always add value to me.
8. Learners—interested people are interesting people.
Positive relationships take us to a higher level. They encourage us and bring out the best in us. They make us better than we otherwise would be without them. They are some of life’s greatest gifts!
Some Relationships Are Pivotal to Our Lives
Throughout a lifetime, people are in contact with thousands of people in varying levels of relationships. Most have a very limited impact on us. But a few relationships have such a tremendous impact that they change the course of our lives. They are pivotal to who we are and what we do.
Relationships commonly go through four stages:
1. Surface relationships. These require no commitment from either person. Examples include the clerk who helps you at the post office, acquaintances at church or the gym, and your favorite waiter at the neighborhood restaurant. You recognize these people and they recognize you. You may even know their names, but you don’t know much beyond what you can observe from a distance.
2. Structured relationships. The next level is a little more involved than surface relationships. Structured relationships occur around routine encounters, usually at a particular place at a particular time. They often develop around a common interest or activity. The people you know from school or work, the parents at your kid’s activities, and people who share your hobbies fall into this category.
3. Secure relationships. When a surface or structured relationship grows, trust develops, and the people involved begin to want to spend time together, it starts to develop into a genuine personal relationship. This is the level where you develop friendships.
4. Solid relationships. When people in a secure relationship build on their friendship and develop complete trust and absolute confidentiality, it can go to the solid relationship level. These relationships are long term and are characterized by a mutual desire to give and serve one another. Your desire should be to cultivate the most important relationships in your life: your spouse, your best friends, and your inner circle.
As the level of relationship increases, so does the influence of people on one another. And each time people try to take the relationship higher, it creates a period of testing. During that time, the relationship can go one way or another, positive or negative. If the dynamic becomes lose-lose or win-lose, the relationship is negative. Positive relationships are always overall win-win.
Every now and then, a relationship goes beyond solid to become significant, a relationship that is pivotal to your life. I don’t think anyone can try to create one of these relationships. I call them simply God’s gift to me. I don’t deserve them—but I do need them. People with whom I have enjoyed this kind of relationship give beyond reason and lift me up to a level I could not achieve without them.
Tom Phillippe is one such friend. Tom and I have been friends for more than thirty years. We have traveled the world together, yet we also enjoy just sitting at home talking with no other agenda. Not long ago a group of Tom’s friends got together with him to celebrate his seventieth birthday. Each of us had the chance to tell the others how Tom has affected our lives. I wrote what I wanted to say and read it to the group:
Tom has loved me unconditionally. Victor Hugo said, “The supreme happiness of life is being loved in spite of yourself.” Tom has also loved me continually. In 1980, he encouraged me to join the Wesleyan denomination. In 1981, he began assisting me in starting leadership conferences. He gave me an opportunity to enter the business world. He managed my personal development organization when time would not allow me to do it. He financially kept my nonprofit organization alive in its beginning days. Today it trains millions of leaders internationally. One of God’s gifts to me was Tom’s friendship.
I then closed with a poem called “Your Name Is Written … at the Top of My List.” Tom has changed my life forever. He has been a lifter in so many areas of my life. If you ever encounter someone who has that impact on you, fight to preserve that relationship, show your gratitude often, and give whatever you can in return.
Five Signs of a Solid Relationship
Relationships at the secure level validate us and help us to become more comfortable with who we are and to discover our gifts and talents. Solid relationships add value to us so that our talent is actually enhanced. Our solid friends tell us the truth in a supportive way. They keep us grounded. If we start to get off course, they help keep us on track. They encourage us when we’re down and inspire us to go higher. A few solid relationships can make all the difference in where a talented person ends up in life.
As you engage in relationships, try to find people with whom you can build solid relationships that are mutually beneficial. Here are the signs that a relationship is headed toward that level:
1. Mutual Enjoyment
In solid relationships, people spend time together just for the enjoyment of being together. What they do is not of significance. For example, my wife, Margaret, and I often run errands together. What’s enjoyable about dropping off the dry cleaning, buying groceries, or picking up items at a neighborhood shop? Nothing—except spending time with her.
I think when many of us were kids, we intuitively understood the value of spending time with someone special. Do you remember how it felt to sit on the lap of your mother or father when you were small? Or how excited you got when a favorite uncle or a grandparent came to visit? Or how it felt when you first started dating? Unfortunately the busyness and pressures of life often cause us to forget what a joy this can be. I’ve always valued time with Margaret. Now that she and I are grandparents, time with people I love means even more to me. Try not to let the stresses of life make you lose track of that.
2. Respect
When you value someone on the front end of a relationship, you earn respect on the back end. And that’s foundational to all solid relationships. When do people respect you? When you don’t let obstacles or circumstances become more important to you than the relationship. When the pressure is on and you still treat them with patience and respect. When the relationship is struggling and you are willing to work hard to protect and preserve it. That’s when you have proven worthy of others’ respect. Respect is almost always built on difficult ground.
Proverbs, the book of wisdom, teaches about the strength of relationships:
· Friends are scarce (18:24).
· Friends will not jump ship when the going gets rough (17:17).
· Friends will be available for counsel (27:9).
· Friends will speak the truth to you (27:6).
· Friends will sharpen you (27:17).
· Friends will be sensitive to your feelings (26:18-19).
· Friends will stick with you (16:28; 18:24).
People who respect each other and build a solid relationship enjoy all of these benefits of friendship.
3. Shared Experiences
Going through a significant experience with another person creates a mutual bond. The experience can be positive or negative. Families come together and enjoy reminiscing about vacations they took years before (often the more disastrous, the more fondly remembered!). Colleagues build relationships as they work together on high-pressure projects. Soldiers talk about the bond that occurs as they train together and how it only increases if they go to war together. We all need others to lean on and to celebrate with. Shared experiences give us those opportunities.
I still remember vividly my father taking me out of school when I was ten years old so that I could accompany him on a business trip. At the time, he was a district superintendent in our denomination, which meant that he was a pastor and leader to many pastors of local churches in our region. Dad and I packed for the trip and traveled from town to town car. As we rode along, we talked. As he met with the various pastors, I watched him encouraging them. It not only created a special bond between us, but it modeled the kind of work with people that I would one day be doing myself. It was an experience I will treasure until the day I die.
4. Trust
Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, “ The glory of friendship is not in the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is in the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him.” Trust is both a joy of relationships and a necessary component. In my book Winning with People, I described the Bedrock Principle, which says, “Trust is the foundation of any relationship.” Nothing is more important in relationships. If you don’t have trust, you don’t have much of a relationship.
5. Reciprocity
All relationships experience ebb and flow. Sometimes one person is the primary giver. Sometimes the other person is. But relationships that continue to be one-sided will not remain solid. When they continue to be out of balance, they become unstable and often unhealthy. If you want the relationship to continue, you will need to make changes. Here’s how it works:
· When you are getting the better of the relationship, changes must be made.
· When the other person is getting the better part, changes must be made.
· When you’re both getting an equally good deal, continue as before.
Friendships are like bank accounts. You cannot continue to draw on them without making deposits. If either of you becomes overdrawn and it stays that way, then the relationship won’t last.
Solid relationships must be beneficial to both parties. Each person has to put the other first, and both have to benefit. Hall of Fame football coach Vince Lombardi described this when he was asked what made a winning team. He observed,
There are a lot of coaches with good ball clubs who know the fundamentals and have plenty of discipline but still don’t win the game. Then you come to the third ingredient: if you’re going to play together as a team, you’ve got to care for one another. You’ve got to love each other, Each player has to be thinking about the next guy and saying to himself, “If I don’t block that man, Paul is going to get his legs broken. I have to do my job in order that he can do his.” The difference between mediocrity and greatness is the feeling these guys have for each other.
Solid relationships are always win-win. If both people aren’t winning, then the relationship isn’t solid, and it won’t last.
TALENT + RELATIONSHIPS = A TALENT-PLUS PERSON PUTTING THE IALENT-PLUS FORMULA INTO ACTION
If you desire to become a talent-plus person in the area of relationships—a person whose relationships influence him or her in a positive direction—then here is what I suggest you do:
1. Identify the Most Important People in Your Life
Who are the significant people in your life, the people you spend the most time with, the people whose opinions mean the most to you? These people are your greatest influencers. You need to identify who they are before you can assess how they are influencing your talent.
2. Assess Whether They Are Influencing You in the Right Direction
Once you have identified the people who are influencing you, you would be wise to discern how they are influencing you. The easiest way to do that is to ask the following questions about each person:
What does he think of me? People tend to become what the most important person in their lives believes they can be. Think about small children. If their parents tell them they are losers, stupid, or worthless, they believe they are. If their parents tell them they are smart, attractive, and valuable, they believe they are. We embrace the opinions of people we respect.
Ralph Waldo Emerson asserted, “Every man is entitled to be valued by his best moments.” If you want to be influenced in a positive direction, you need to spend time with people who think positively about you. They need to believe in you.
What does he think of my future? Novelist Mark Twain advised, “Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Do the most important people in your life envision a positive future for you? Do they see great things ahead of you?
Margaret, my wife, has given me many wonderful gifts during the course of our relationship. One that I cherish is the ministry log book she gave me the year before we were married, knowing that a pastoral career was ahead of me. In it, I could record my activities such as sermon topics, weddings, and funerals. It is a record of my life leading local churches. But I value it most for something she wrote in it in 1968. It said simply,
John,
You’re going to accomplish great things.
Love,
Margaret
Her few words weren’t poetic or profound, but they communicated her confidence in me and her belief in my future. And she has demonstrated that belief in me every day of our marriage.
How does he or she behave toward me in difficult times? There’s an old saying: “In prosperity our friends know us. In adversity we know our friends.” Haven’t you found that to be true? When times are tough and you’re having difficulties, a friend who is influencing you in the right direction is …
Slow to but Quick to
Suspect Trust
Condemn Justify
Offend Defend
Expose Shield
Reprimand Forbear
Belittle Appreciate
Demand Give
Provoke Help
Resent Forgive
When you get knocked down, good friends don’t kick you while you’re down or say, “I told you so.” They pick you up and help you keep going.
What does he bring out of me? British prime minister Benjamin Disraeli observed, “The greatest good you can do for another is not just to share your riches but to reveal to him his own.” That is really the essence of positive relationships that influence people to rise up and reach their potential. They see the best in you and encourage you to strive for it, as June Carter did for Johnny Cash.
Author William Alien Ward remarked, “A true friend knows your weaknesses but shows you your strengths; feels your fears but fortifies your faith; sees your anxieties but frees your spirit; recognizes your disabilities but emphasizes your possibilities.” That’s what positive relationships should do.
3. If Your Friends Aren’t Friends, Then Make New Friends
A friend sent me a hilarious story that he said was called “Bob’s Last Letter.” Here’s what it said:
Dear Friends:
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell.
Let me relate how I handle the situation.
When I got laid off from my consulting job and took “early retirement” in April, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for health benefits that we need. It was shortly after she started working that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she finally does get supper on the table. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper.
I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren’t cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.
Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can’t make another trip down those steps. I don’t make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it.
Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to Wednesday’s or Saturday’s poker club or to Tuesday’s or Thursday’s bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting.
Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.
Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any, if you know what I mean.
When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. I’m not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.
Signed, Bob
P.S. Bob’s funeral was on Saturday, January 25th.
P.P.S. Nancy was acquitted Monday, January 27th
If the people close to you are dragging you down, then it may be time to make some changes. Speaker Joe Larson remarked, “My friends didn’t believe that I could become a successful speaker. So I did something about it. I went out and found me some new friends!”
When you really think about it, the things that matter most in life are the relationships we develop. Remember:
You may build a beautiful house, but eventually it will crumble.
You may develop a fine career, but one day it will be over.
You may save a great sum of money, but you can’t take it with you.
You may be in superb health today, but in time it will decline.
You may take pride in your accomplishments, but someone will surpass you.
Discouraged? Don’t be, for the one thing that really matters, lasts forever—your friendships.
Life is too long to spend it with people who pull you in the wrong direction. And it’s too short not to invest in others. Your relationships will define you. And they will influence your talent—one way or the other. Choose wisely.
Music Legend
In 2005, Margaret and I went to see the movie Walk the Line. I have to admit, I didn’t know very much about Johnny Cash before I saw the movie, but I was fascinated by his relationship with June Carter. And that got me reading about them.
During his career, Johnny Cash recorded more than 1,500 songs, had 14 number one hit songs, was awarded 11 Grammys, and sold 50 million albums. He was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, the Songwriters Hall of Fame, and the Country Music Hall of Fame. He was a huge star. In 1959, he made a quarter of a million dollars by playing concerts. In 1961, he performed at 290 concerts attended by nearly a million people. He was a major influence on performers such as Elvis and Bob Dylan. And he was as much of a mess as the movie depicted him to be.
Legendary Mess
Cash took his first pill—an amphetamine tablet called Benzedrine—in 1957. He was instantly hooked.
“It increased my energy, it sharpened my wit, it banished my shyness, it improved my timing, it turned me on like electricity flowing through a light bulb,” Cash recalled. For the next ten years, Cash was addicted to pills. “Every pill I took was an attempt to regain the wonderful, natural feeling of euphoria I experienced the first time. Not a single one of them, not even one among many thousands that slowly tore me away from my family and my God and myself, ever worked. It was never as great as the first time, no matter how hard I tried to make it so.” And Cash tried Cash tried hard to make it so.
The damage that it did him was all that the movie Walk the Line showed and even more. At one point, Cash decided that he couldn’t stand to live with it anymore. In his autobiography, Cash explained what happened:
I just went on and on. I was taking amphetamines by the handful, literally, and barbiturates by the handful too, not to sleep but just to stop the shaking from the amphetamines. I was canceling shows and recording dates, and when I did manage to show up, I couldn’t sing because my throat was too dried out from the pills. My weight was down to 155 pounds on a six-foot, one-and-a-half-inch frame. I was in and out of jails, hospitals, car wrecks. I was a walking vision of death, and that’s exactly how I felt. I was scraping the filthy bottom of the barrel of life.
Having lost all hope, Cash traveled to Tennessee to Nickajack Cave, a series of deep caves he had visited before, where spelunkers and explorers had sometimes lost their way and died failing to find a way out. Cash intended to share their fate. He parked his Jeep, went in, and crawled for hours—until the batteries in his flashlight gave out. Then he lay down in the dark to die.
Cash said in the dark he experienced an encounter with God, and he realized his life was not his own to throw away. With newfound hope, he decided to start crawling in the dark. Miraculously he found his way out. And when he emerged blinking in the sunlight, he was dumbfounded and confused to find his mother and June Carter waiting for him. “I knew there was something wrong. I had to come and find you,” his mother told him. She had traveled all the way from California.
Recovery
During the next few weeks and months, June Carter and her mother cared for him, shielded him from negative influences, and nursed him back to health, similar to the way it was depicted in the movie, in the past June had tried to help Cash, encouraging him to give up the drugs, and often getting rid of them. Now Cash readily accepted her help. A few months later, they were married. For the next thirty-five years, they were inseparable. And in the 1980s when Cash got addicted to painkillers due to a stomach problem, she helped him recover again. The battle was so hard-fought that when Cash later underwent heart bypass surgery, he refused any painkillers.
Walk the Line depicted June Carter as a positive influence on Johnny Cash, but even as good a job as it did, it couldn’t capture her true character. Perhaps the best description came from Rosanne Cash, Johnny’s daughter from his first marriage. At June’s funeral, Rosanne said:
In her eyes, there were two kinds of people in the world: those she knew and loved, and those she didn’t know and loved. She looked for the best in everyone; it was a way of life for her. If you pointed out that a particular person was perhaps not totally deserving of her love, and might in fact be somewhat of a lout, she would say, “Well, honey, we just have to lift him up.” She was forever lifting people up. It took me just have to lift him up.” She was forever lifting people up. It took me a long time to understand that what she did when she lifted you up was to mirror the very best parts of you back to yourself. She was like a spiritual detective: she saw into all your dark corners and deep recesses, saw your potential and your possible future, and the gifts you didn’t even know you possessed, and she “lifted them up” for you to see. She did it for all of us, daily, continuously. But her great mission and passion were lifting up my dad. If being a wife were a corporation, June would have been the CEO. It was her most treasured role. She began every day by saying, “What can I do for you, John?” Her love filled up every room he was in, lightened every path he walked, and her devotion created a sacred, exhilarating place for them to live out their married life. My daddy has lost his dearest companion, his musical counterpart, his soul mate and best friend.
The bottom line is that June Carter made Johnny Cash a better man. He reached his potential as an artist and as a human being in large part because of her influence. Cash put her impact on him in perspective a few years before they died:
The publicity in the 1960s was that June saved my life, and I sometimes still hear it said that she’s the reason I’m alive today. That may be true, but knowing what I do about addiction and survival, I’m fully aware that the only human being who can save you is yourself. What June did for me was post signs along the way, lift me up when I was weak, encourage me when I was discouraged, and love me when I felt alone and unlovable. She’s the greatest woman I have ever known.
The Impact of Relationships
I think many people mistakenly minimize the impact that other people can have on their lives. My parents understood the influence of relationships. Today as I look back on my formative years, I see how intentional they were about who we spent time with and who we selected as our friends. My parents made our house the place to be in the neighborhood. We had a pool table, a Ping-Pong table, and a chemistry set in our basement. We had a shuffleboard court, a basketball court, and a Wiffle ball diamond in our yard. Everybody wanted to come to our house. And that was the strategy. My parents wanted to be able to know the kids we played with. Typical of the times (it was the 1950s and 1960s), my mom didn’t work outside the home, so she was always there to keep an eye on us.
Mom was always on the periphery of our play, fixing us lunch or a cold drink, putting Band-Aids on cuts, and observing the interaction and behavior of each person. Every now and then, she would ask my brother, Larry, my sister, Trish, or me about a particular friend. As children, we had no idea of the importance of associating with good kids rather than bad ones, but our parents did. They made sure the influences on our lives were positive.
Years later when I was an adult and I spent several hours a week counseling people, I learned through daily observation what my parents knew. Almost all our sorrows can be traced to relationships with the wrong people and our joys to relationships with the right people.
The Direction Relationships Take Us
The relationships in our lives really do make or break us. They either lift us up or take us down. They add, or they subtract. They help to give us energy, or they take it away. Here’s what I mean:
Some Relationships Take from Us
There are a couple of good ways to tell whether a relationship is positive or negative. The first is to note whether a person makes you feel better or worse about yourself. The second relates to how much energy the relationship requires. Let’s face it, some relationships feel as if they could suck the life out of you. In his book High Maintenance Relationships, Les Parrott identifies the types of people who are likely to hurt us and take energy from us. Here are some of them:
Critics constantly complain or give unwanted advice.
Martyrs are forever the victim and wracked with self-pity.
Wet blankets are pessimistic and habitually negative.
Steamrollers are blindly insensitive to others.
Gossips spread rumors and leak secrets.
Control freaks are unable to let go and let things be.
Backstabbers are irrepressively two-faced.
Green-eyed monsters seethe with envy.
Volcanoes build steam and are always ready to erupt.
Sponges are always in need but never give anything back.
Competitors always keep track of tit for tat.
Les also offers a straightforward quiz that can help you tell whether someone in your life is a negative person who takes energy from you. Answer yes or no to each of the following questions:
1. Do you feel especially anxious when a particular person has called and left a message for you to return the call?
2. Have you recently been dealing with a relationship that drains you of enthusiasm and energy?
3. Do you sometimes dread having to see or talk to a particular person at work or in a social situation?
4. Do you have a relationship in which you give more than you get in return?
5. Do you find yourself second-guessing your own performance as a result of an interaction with this person?
6. Do you become more self-critical in the presence of this person?
7. Is your creativity blocked, or is your clarity of mind hampered somewhat, by the lingering discomfort of having to deal with a difficult person?
8. Do you try to calm yourself after being with this person by eating more, biting your nails, or engaging in some other unhealthy habit?
9. Do you ever have imaginary conversations with this person or mental arguments in which you defend yourself or try to explain your side of a conflict?
10. Have you become more susceptible to colds, stomach problems, or muscle tension since having to deal with this difficult person?
11. Do you feel resentful that this person seems to treat other people better than she or he treats you?
12. Do you find yourself wondering why this person singles you out for criticism but rarely acknowledges things you do well?
13. Have you thought about quitting your job as a result of having to interact with this difficult person?
14. Have you noticed that you are more irritable or impatient with people you care about because of leftover frustrations from your interaction with this difficult person?
15. Are you feeling discouraged that this person has continued to drain you of energy despite your efforts to improve the relationship?
Les says that if you answered yes to ten or more of the questions, then you are certainly in a high-maintenance relationship.
I don’t mean to imply that only negative relationships require you to put energy into them. All relationships require you to give some energy. Relationships don’t cultivate and sustain themselves. The question is, how much energy do they require? And do they give anything in return? For example, some of the positive relationships that require a tremendous amount of energy in my life include:
· My family—every family has ups and down, but that’s okay; that’s what it means to be in a family.
· My inner circle of friends—these people get everything I’ve got, and they give their all, too; that’s what friendship is all about.
· My team—leadership begins with a serving attitude; I always try to give more than I receive.
· Those less fortunate than I am—every year I travel to developing countries to train leaders and add value to people through EQUIP, my nonprofit organization.
If a relationship requires you to expend energy some of the time, that’s normal. If a relationship saps your energy all the time, then that relationship has a negative effect on you. You may be able to see its effects in many areas of your life. It dilutes your talent because it robs you of energy that you could be using toward your best gifts and skills. It distracts you from your purpose. And it detracts from your best efforts. In the long run, a negative relationship cannot influence your talent in a positive direction.
Some Relationships Add to Us
Some relationships clearly make us better. They energize, inspire, and validate us. They lift us up and give us joy. We should consider the people in these relationships friends and value them highly. Helen Keller remarked, “My friends have made the story of my life. In a thousand ways they have turned my limitations into beautiful privileges, and enabled me to walk serene and happy in the shadow cast by my deprivation.”
In my book The Treasure of a Friend, I reflect on the nature of friendship. Who else but a friend is there . . .
to believe in your dreams,
to share your joys,
to dry your tears,
to give you hope,
to comfort your hurts,
to listen,
to laugh with you,
to show you a better way,
to tell you the truth,
to encourage you.
Who else can do that for you?
That’s what friends are for.
Not long ago, I sat down and listed the types of people who add value to my life and give me energy. Here is what I wrote:
1. My family—the best moments with my family are my best moments.
2. Creative people—they unleash creativity within me like no others.
3. Successful people—I love to hear their stories.
4. Encouraging people—encouragement is like oxygen to my soul.
5. Fun people—laughter always lifts my spirit.
6. Good thinkers—conversations with them are my favorite things.
7. My team—they always add value to me.
8. Learners—interested people are interesting people.
Positive relationships take us to a higher level. They encourage us and bring out the best in us. They make us better than we otherwise would be without them. They are some of life’s greatest gifts!
Some Relationships Are Pivotal to Our Lives
Throughout a lifetime, people are in contact with thousands of people in varying levels of relationships. Most have a very limited impact on us. But a few relationships have such a tremendous impact that they change the course of our lives. They are pivotal to who we are and what we do.
Relationships commonly go through four stages:
1. Surface relationships. These require no commitment from either person. Examples include the clerk who helps you at the post office, acquaintances at church or the gym, and your favorite waiter at the neighborhood restaurant. You recognize these people and they recognize you. You may even know their names, but you don’t know much beyond what you can observe from a distance.
2. Structured relationships. The next level is a little more involved than surface relationships. Structured relationships occur around routine encounters, usually at a particular place at a particular time. They often develop around a common interest or activity. The people you know from school or work, the parents at your kid’s activities, and people who share your hobbies fall into this category.
3. Secure relationships. When a surface or structured relationship grows, trust develops, and the people involved begin to want to spend time together, it starts to develop into a genuine personal relationship. This is the level where you develop friendships.
4. Solid relationships. When people in a secure relationship build on their friendship and develop complete trust and absolute confidentiality, it can go to the solid relationship level. These relationships are long term and are characterized by a mutual desire to give and serve one another. Your desire should be to cultivate the most important relationships in your life: your spouse, your best friends, and your inner circle.
As the level of relationship increases, so does the influence of people on one another. And each time people try to take the relationship higher, it creates a period of testing. During that time, the relationship can go one way or another, positive or negative. If the dynamic becomes lose-lose or win-lose, the relationship is negative. Positive relationships are always overall win-win.
Every now and then, a relationship goes beyond solid to become significant, a relationship that is pivotal to your life. I don’t think anyone can try to create one of these relationships. I call them simply God’s gift to me. I don’t deserve them—but I do need them. People with whom I have enjoyed this kind of relationship give beyond reason and lift me up to a level I could not achieve without them.
Tom Phillippe is one such friend. Tom and I have been friends for more than thirty years. We have traveled the world together, yet we also enjoy just sitting at home talking with no other agenda. Not long ago a group of Tom’s friends got together with him to celebrate his seventieth birthday. Each of us had the chance to tell the others how Tom has affected our lives. I wrote what I wanted to say and read it to the group:
Tom has loved me unconditionally. Victor Hugo said, “The supreme happiness of life is being loved in spite of yourself.” Tom has also loved me continually. In 1980, he encouraged me to join the Wesleyan denomination. In 1981, he began assisting me in starting leadership conferences. He gave me an opportunity to enter the business world. He managed my personal development organization when time would not allow me to do it. He financially kept my nonprofit organization alive in its beginning days. Today it trains millions of leaders internationally. One of God’s gifts to me was Tom’s friendship.
I then closed with a poem called “Your Name Is Written … at the Top of My List.” Tom has changed my life forever. He has been a lifter in so many areas of my life. If you ever encounter someone who has that impact on you, fight to preserve that relationship, show your gratitude often, and give whatever you can in return.
Five Signs of a Solid Relationship
Relationships at the secure level validate us and help us to become more comfortable with who we are and to discover our gifts and talents. Solid relationships add value to us so that our talent is actually enhanced. Our solid friends tell us the truth in a supportive way. They keep us grounded. If we start to get off course, they help keep us on track. They encourage us when we’re down and inspire us to go higher. A few solid relationships can make all the difference in where a talented person ends up in life.
As you engage in relationships, try to find people with whom you can build solid relationships that are mutually beneficial. Here are the signs that a relationship is headed toward that level:
1. Mutual Enjoyment
In solid relationships, people spend time together just for the enjoyment of being together. What they do is not of significance. For example, my wife, Margaret, and I often run errands together. What’s enjoyable about dropping off the dry cleaning, buying groceries, or picking up items at a neighborhood shop? Nothing—except spending time with her.
I think when many of us were kids, we intuitively understood the value of spending time with someone special. Do you remember how it felt to sit on the lap of your mother or father when you were small? Or how excited you got when a favorite uncle or a grandparent came to visit? Or how it felt when you first started dating? Unfortunately the busyness and pressures of life often cause us to forget what a joy this can be. I’ve always valued time with Margaret. Now that she and I are grandparents, time with people I love means even more to me. Try not to let the stresses of life make you lose track of that.
2. Respect
When you value someone on the front end of a relationship, you earn respect on the back end. And that’s foundational to all solid relationships. When do people respect you? When you don’t let obstacles or circumstances become more important to you than the relationship. When the pressure is on and you still treat them with patience and respect. When the relationship is struggling and you are willing to work hard to protect and preserve it. That’s when you have proven worthy of others’ respect. Respect is almost always built on difficult ground.
Proverbs, the book of wisdom, teaches about the strength of relationships:
· Friends are scarce (18:24).
· Friends will not jump ship when the going gets rough (17:17).
· Friends will be available for counsel (27:9).
· Friends will speak the truth to you (27:6).
· Friends will sharpen you (27:17).
· Friends will be sensitive to your feelings (26:18-19).
· Friends will stick with you (16:28; 18:24).
People who respect each other and build a solid relationship enjoy all of these benefits of friendship.
3. Shared Experiences
Going through a significant experience with another person creates a mutual bond. The experience can be positive or negative. Families come together and enjoy reminiscing about vacations they took years before (often the more disastrous, the more fondly remembered!). Colleagues build relationships as they work together on high-pressure projects. Soldiers talk about the bond that occurs as they train together and how it only increases if they go to war together. We all need others to lean on and to celebrate with. Shared experiences give us those opportunities.
I still remember vividly my father taking me out of school when I was ten years old so that I could accompany him on a business trip. At the time, he was a district superintendent in our denomination, which meant that he was a pastor and leader to many pastors of local churches in our region. Dad and I packed for the trip and traveled from town to town car. As we rode along, we talked. As he met with the various pastors, I watched him encouraging them. It not only created a special bond between us, but it modeled the kind of work with people that I would one day be doing myself. It was an experience I will treasure until the day I die.
4. Trust
Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, “ The glory of friendship is not in the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is in the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him.” Trust is both a joy of relationships and a necessary component. In my book Winning with People, I described the Bedrock Principle, which says, “Trust is the foundation of any relationship.” Nothing is more important in relationships. If you don’t have trust, you don’t have much of a relationship.
5. Reciprocity
All relationships experience ebb and flow. Sometimes one person is the primary giver. Sometimes the other person is. But relationships that continue to be one-sided will not remain solid. When they continue to be out of balance, they become unstable and often unhealthy. If you want the relationship to continue, you will need to make changes. Here’s how it works:
· When you are getting the better of the relationship, changes must be made.
· When the other person is getting the better part, changes must be made.
· When you’re both getting an equally good deal, continue as before.
Friendships are like bank accounts. You cannot continue to draw on them without making deposits. If either of you becomes overdrawn and it stays that way, then the relationship won’t last.
Solid relationships must be beneficial to both parties. Each person has to put the other first, and both have to benefit. Hall of Fame football coach Vince Lombardi described this when he was asked what made a winning team. He observed,
There are a lot of coaches with good ball clubs who know the fundamentals and have plenty of discipline but still don’t win the game. Then you come to the third ingredient: if you’re going to play together as a team, you’ve got to care for one another. You’ve got to love each other, Each player has to be thinking about the next guy and saying to himself, “If I don’t block that man, Paul is going to get his legs broken. I have to do my job in order that he can do his.” The difference between mediocrity and greatness is the feeling these guys have for each other.
Solid relationships are always win-win. If both people aren’t winning, then the relationship isn’t solid, and it won’t last.
TALENT + RELATIONSHIPS = A TALENT-PLUS PERSON PUTTING THE IALENT-PLUS FORMULA INTO ACTION
If you desire to become a talent-plus person in the area of relationships—a person whose relationships influence him or her in a positive direction—then here is what I suggest you do:
1. Identify the Most Important People in Your Life
Who are the significant people in your life, the people you spend the most time with, the people whose opinions mean the most to you? These people are your greatest influencers. You need to identify who they are before you can assess how they are influencing your talent.
2. Assess Whether They Are Influencing You in the Right Direction
Once you have identified the people who are influencing you, you would be wise to discern how they are influencing you. The easiest way to do that is to ask the following questions about each person:
What does he think of me? People tend to become what the most important person in their lives believes they can be. Think about small children. If their parents tell them they are losers, stupid, or worthless, they believe they are. If their parents tell them they are smart, attractive, and valuable, they believe they are. We embrace the opinions of people we respect.
Ralph Waldo Emerson asserted, “Every man is entitled to be valued by his best moments.” If you want to be influenced in a positive direction, you need to spend time with people who think positively about you. They need to believe in you.
What does he think of my future? Novelist Mark Twain advised, “Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Do the most important people in your life envision a positive future for you? Do they see great things ahead of you?
Margaret, my wife, has given me many wonderful gifts during the course of our relationship. One that I cherish is the ministry log book she gave me the year before we were married, knowing that a pastoral career was ahead of me. In it, I could record my activities such as sermon topics, weddings, and funerals. It is a record of my life leading local churches. But I value it most for something she wrote in it in 1968. It said simply,
John,
You’re going to accomplish great things.
Love,
Margaret
Her few words weren’t poetic or profound, but they communicated her confidence in me and her belief in my future. And she has demonstrated that belief in me every day of our marriage.
How does he or she behave toward me in difficult times? There’s an old saying: “In prosperity our friends know us. In adversity we know our friends.” Haven’t you found that to be true? When times are tough and you’re having difficulties, a friend who is influencing you in the right direction is …
Slow to but Quick to
Suspect Trust
Condemn Justify
Offend Defend
Expose Shield
Reprimand Forbear
Belittle Appreciate
Demand Give
Provoke Help
Resent Forgive
When you get knocked down, good friends don’t kick you while you’re down or say, “I told you so.” They pick you up and help you keep going.
What does he bring out of me? British prime minister Benjamin Disraeli observed, “The greatest good you can do for another is not just to share your riches but to reveal to him his own.” That is really the essence of positive relationships that influence people to rise up and reach their potential. They see the best in you and encourage you to strive for it, as June Carter did for Johnny Cash.
Author William Alien Ward remarked, “A true friend knows your weaknesses but shows you your strengths; feels your fears but fortifies your faith; sees your anxieties but frees your spirit; recognizes your disabilities but emphasizes your possibilities.” That’s what positive relationships should do.
3. If Your Friends Aren’t Friends, Then Make New Friends
A friend sent me a hilarious story that he said was called “Bob’s Last Letter.” Here’s what it said:
Dear Friends:
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell.
Let me relate how I handle the situation.
When I got laid off from my consulting job and took “early retirement” in April, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for health benefits that we need. It was shortly after she started working that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she finally does get supper on the table. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper.
I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren’t cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.
Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can’t make another trip down those steps. I don’t make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it.
Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to Wednesday’s or Saturday’s poker club or to Tuesday’s or Thursday’s bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting.
Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.
Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any, if you know what I mean.
When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. I’m not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.
Signed, Bob
P.S. Bob’s funeral was on Saturday, January 25th.
P.P.S. Nancy was acquitted Monday, January 27th
If the people close to you are dragging you down, then it may be time to make some changes. Speaker Joe Larson remarked, “My friends didn’t believe that I could become a successful speaker. So I did something about it. I went out and found me some new friends!”
When you really think about it, the things that matter most in life are the relationships we develop. Remember:
You may build a beautiful house, but eventually it will crumble.
You may develop a fine career, but one day it will be over.
You may save a great sum of money, but you can’t take it with you.
You may be in superb health today, but in time it will decline.
You may take pride in your accomplishments, but someone will surpass you.
Discouraged? Don’t be, for the one thing that really matters, lasts forever—your friendships.
Life is too long to spend it with people who pull you in the wrong direction. And it’s too short not to invest in others. Your relationships will define you. And they will influence your talent—one way or the other. Choose wisely.
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