Common Boundary Myths

One of the definitions of a myth is a fiction that looks like a truth. Sometimes it sounds so true that Chris­tians will believe it automatically. Some of these myths come from our family backgrounds. Some come from our church or theological foundations. And some come from our own misunderstandings. Whatever the source, prayerfully inves­tigate the following “sounds-like-truths.”



Myth #1: If I Set Boundaries. I’m Being Selfish



“Now, wait a minute,” Teresa said, shaking her head. “How can I set limits on those who need me? Isn’t that living for me and not for God?”

Teresa was voicing one of the main objections to bound­ary setting for Christians: a deep-seated fear of being self-centered, interested only in one’s on concerns and not those of others.

It is absolutely true that we are to be a loving people. Concerned for the welfare of others. In fact, the number-one hallmark of Christians is that we love others (John 13:35).

So don’t boundaries turn us from other-centeredness to self-centeredness? The answer is no. Appropriate bound­aries actually increase our ability to care about others. People with highly developed limits are the most caring people on earth. How can this be true?

First, let’s make a distinction between selfishness and stewardship. Selfishness has to do with a fixation on our on wishes and desires, to the exclusion of our responsibility to love others. Though having wishes and desires is a God­-given trait (Prov. 13:14), we are to keep them in line with healthy goals and responsibility.

For one thing, we may not want what we need. Mr. Insensitive may desperately need help with the fact that he’s a terrible listener. But he may not want it. God is much more interested in meeting our needs than he is granting all our wishes. For example, he denied Paul’s wish to heal his thorn in the flesh (2 Cor. 12:7-10). At the same time, he met Paul’s needs to the point that Paul felt content and full.



I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. (Phil. 4:12-13)



It helps the Christian afraid of setting boundaries to know that God meets our needs. “God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 4:19). At the same time, God does not make our wishes and desires “all bad either. He will meet many of them.



Our Needs Are Our Responsibility



Even with God’s help, however, it is crucial to under­stand that meeting our own needs is basically our job. We can’t wait passively for others to take care of us. Jesus told us to “Ask . . . seek ... knock” (Matt. 7:7). We are to “work out [our] salvation with fear and trembling” (Phil. 2:12). Even knowing that “it is God who works in [us]” (Phil. 2:13), we are our own responsibility.

This is a very different picture than many of us are used to. Some individuals see their needs as bad, selfish, and at best, a luxury. Others see them as something that God or others should do for them. But the biblical picture is clear: our lives are our responsibility.

At the end of our lives this truth becomes crystal clear. We will all “appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad” (2 Cor. 5:10). A sobering thought.



Stewardship



A helpful win to in understanding setting limits is that am lives are a gift from God. Just as a store manager takes good care of a shop for the owner, we are to do the same with our souls. If a lack of boundaries causes us to mismanage the store, the owner has a right to be upset with us.

We are to develop our lives, abilities, feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. Our spiritual and emotional growth is God’s “interest” on his investment in us. When we say no to people and activities that are hurtful to us, we are protecting God’s investment. As you can see, there’s quite a difference between selfishness and stewardship.



Myth #2: Boundaries Are a Sign of Disobedience



Many Christians Fear that setting and keeping limits signals rebellion, or disobedience. In religious circles you’ll often hear statements such as, “Your unwillingness to go along with our program shows an unresponsive heart.” Because of this myth, countless individuals remain trapped in endless activities of no genuine spiritual and emotional value.

The truth is life-changing: a lack of boundaries is often a sign of disobedience. People who have shaky limits are often compliant on the outside, but rebellious and resentful on the Inside. They would like to be able to say no, but are afraid. So they cover their fear with a half-hearted yes, as Barry did.

Barry had almost made it to his car after church when Ken caught up with him. Here goes, Barry thought. Maybe I can still get out of this one.

“Barry!” Ken boomed. “Glad I caught you!”

The singles class officer in charge of Bible studies, Ken was a dedicated recruiter to the studies he presided over; however, he was often insensitive to the fact that not everyone wanted to attend his meetings.

“So which study can I put you down for, Barry? The one on prophecy, evangelism, or Mark?”

Barry thought desperately to himself. I could say, “None of the above interest me. Don’t call me—I’ll call you.” But he’s a ranking officer in the singles class. He could jeopardize my relationships with others in the group. I wonder which class will be the shortest?

“How about the one on prophecy?” Barry guessed. He was wrong.

“Great! We’ll be studying end times for the next eighteen months! See you Monday.” Ken walked off triumphantly.

Let’s take a look at what just happened. Barry avoided saving no to Ken. At first glance, it looks like he made a choice for obedience. He committed himself to a Bible study. That’s a good thing, right? Absolutely.

But take a second look. What were Barry’s motives for not saving no to Ken? What were the “thoughts and attitudes of the heart” (Heb. 4:2)? Fear. Barry was afraid of Ken’s political clout in the singles group. He feared that he would lose other relationships if he disappointed Ken.

Why is this important? Because it illustrates a biblical principle: an internal no nullifies an external yes. God is more concerned with our hearts than he is with our outward compliance. “For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowl­edgment of God rather than burnt offerings” (Hos. 6:6).

In other words, if we say yes to God or anyone else when we really mean no, we move into a position of compliance. And that is the same as lying. Our lips say yes, but our hearts (and often our half-hearted actions) say no. Do you really think Barry will finish out his year and a half with Ken’s Bible study? The odds are that some priority will arise to sabotage Barry’s commitment, and he’ll leave—but without telling Ken the real reason why.

Here’s a good way to look at this myth that boundaries are a sign of disobedience: if we can’t say no, we can’t say yes. Why is this? It has to do with our motivation to obey, to love, or to be responsible. We must always say yes out of a heart of love. When our motive is fear, we love not.

The Bible tells us how to be obedient: “Each of you must give as you have made up your mind. not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver” (2 Cor. 9:7 NRSV, italics mine)

Look at the first two ways of giving: “reluctantly” and “under compulsion.” They both involve fear—either of a real person or a guilty conscience. These motives can’t exist side by side with love, because “there is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear” (1 John 4:18 NASB). Each of us must give as we have made up our minds. When we are afraid to say no, our yes is compromised.

God has not interest in our obeying out of fear “because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love (1 john 4:18). God wants a response of love.

Are boundaries a sign of disobedience? They can be. We can say no to good things for wrong reasons. But having a “no” helps us to clarify, to be honest, to tell the truth about our motives; then we can allow God to work in us. This process cannot be accomplished in a fearful heart.



Myth #3: If I Begin Setting Boundaries, I Will Be Hurt by Others



Usually the quiet one in her women’s Bible study group, Debbie spoke up. The topic of the evening was biblical conflict resolution, and she couldn’t be silent another second. “I know how to present facts and arguments about my opinion in a caring way. But my husband will walk out on me if I start disagreeing! Now what do I do?”

Debbie’s problem is shared by many. She genuinely believes in boundaries, but she is terrified of their conse­quences.

Is it possible that others will become angry at our boundaries and attack or withdraw from us? Absolutely. God never gave us the power or the right to control how others respond to our no. Some will welcome it; some will hate it.

Jesus told the rich young man a hard truth about eternal life. He understood that the man worshiped money. So he told him to give it away—to make room in his heart for God. The results were not encouraging: “When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth” (Matt. 19:22).

Jesus could have manipulated the situation so that it was less hard to swallow. He could have said, “Well, how about ninety percent?” After all, he’s God, and he makes up the rules! But he didn’t. He knew that the young man had to know whom to worship. So he let him walk away.

We can do no less. We can’t manipulate people into swallowing our boundaries by sugarcoating them. Boundaries are a “litmus test” for the quality of our relationships. Those people in our lives who can respect our boundaries will love our wills, our opinions, our separateness. Those who can’t respect our boundaries are telling us that they don’t love our no. They only love our yes, our compliance.

When Jesus said. “Woe to you when all men speak well of you, for that is how their fathers treated the false prophets (Luke 6:26), he was saying, Don’t be an ear tickler. Don’t be a chronic peacemaker. If everything you say is loved by everyone, the odds are good that you’re bending the truth.

Setting limits has to do with telling the truth. The Bible clearly distinguishes between those who love truth and those who don’t. First, there is the person who welcomes your boundaries. Who accepts them. Who listens to them. Who says “I’m glad you have a separate opinion. It makes me a better person. This person is called wise, or righteous’.

The second type hates limits. Resents your difference. Tries to manipulate you into giving up your treasures. Try our “litmus test” experiment with your significant relationships. Tell them no in some area. You’ll either come out with increased intimacy—or learn that there was very little to begin with.

So what does Debbie, whose husband is an avowed “boundary buster,” do? Will her husband carry out his threat to walk out on her? He might. We can’t control the other person. But if the only thing keeping Debbie’s husband home is her total compliance, is this a marriage at all? And how will problems ever he addressed when she and he avoid them?

Do Debbie’s boundaries condemn her to a life of isolation? Absolutely not. If telling the truth causes someone to leave you, this gives the church an opportunity to provide support and a spiritual and emotional “home” to the abandoned person.

In no way are we advocating divorce. The point is that you can’t make anyone stay with or love you. Ultimately that is up to your partner. Sometimes setting boundaries clarifies that you were left a long time ago, in every way, perhaps, except physically. Often, when a crisis like this occurs, it helps the struggling couple reconcile and remake their marriage into a more biblical one. The problem was raised, and now can be addressed.

Warning: the boundaryless spouse who develops limits begins changing in the marriage. There are more disagreements. There are more conflicts over values, schedules, money, kids, and sex. Quite often, however, the limits help the out-of-control spouse begin to experience the necessary pain that can motivate him or her to take more responsibility in the marriage. Many marriages are strengthened after boundaries are set because the Spouse begins to miss the relationship.

Will some people abandon or attack us for having boundaries? Yes. Better to learn about their character and take steps to fix the problem than never to know.



Bonding First, Boundaries Second



Gina listened attentively to her counselor as he pre­sented her boundary problems. “It all seems to make sense now,” she said as she left the session. “I can see changes I’m going to have to make”

The next session was quite different. She entered the office defeated and hurt. “These boundaries aren’t what they’re cracked up to be,” she said sadly, “This week I confronted my husband, my kids, my parents, and my friends on how they don’t respect my boundaries. And now nobody will talk to me!”

What was the problem? Gina certainly jumped into her boundary work with both feet—but she neglected to find a safe place to work on boundaries. It isn’t wise to immedi­ately alienate yourself from everyone important to you. Remember that you are made for relationship. You need people. You must have places where you are connected, where you are loved unconditionally. It’s only from that place of being “rooted and grounded in love” (Eph. 3:17 NASB) that you can safely begin learning to tell the truth. This is how you can prepare yourself for the resistance of others to your setting of biblical boundaries.



Myth #4: If I Set Boundaries, I Will Hurt Others



“The biggest problem with telling my mother no is the ‘hurt silence,’” Barbara said. “It lasts about forty-five seconds, and it always happens after I tell her I can’t visit her. It’s only broken by my apologizing for my selfishness and setting up a time to visit, Then she’s fine, I’ll do anything to avoid that silence.”

If you set boundaries you fear that your limits will injure someone else—someone you would genuinely like to see happy and fulfilled:



• The friend who wants to borrow your car when you need it

• The relative in chronic financial straits who desperately asks for a loan

• The person who calls for support when you are in bad shape yourself



The problem is that sometimes you see boundaries as an offensive weapon. Nothing could be further from the truth. Boundaries are a defensive tool. Appropriate boundaries don’t control, attack, or hurt anyone. They simply prevent your treasures from being taken at the wrong time. Saying no to adults, who are responsible for getting their own needs met, may cause some discomfort. They may have to look elsewhere. But it doesn’t cause injury.

This principle doesn’t speak only to those who would like to control or manipulate us. It also applies to the legitimate needs of others. Even when someone has a valid problem, there are times when we can’t sacrifice for some reason or another. Jesus left the multitudes, for example, to be alone with his Father (Matt. 14:22-23). In these instances, we have to allow others to take responsibility for their “knapsacks” (Gal. 6:5) and to look elsewhere to get their needs met.

This is a crucial point. We all need more than God and a best friend. We need a group of supportive relationships. The reason is simple: having more than one person in our lives allows our friends to be human. To be busy. To be unavailable at times. To hurt and have problems of their own. To have time alone.

Then, when one person can’t be there for us, there’s another phone number to call. Another person who may have something to offer. And we aren’t enslaved to the schedule conflict to one person.

This is the beauty behind the Bible’s teachings on the church, the body of Christ. We’re all a group of lumpy, bumpy, unfinished sinners, who ask for help and give help, who ask again and give again. And when our supportive network is strong enough, we all help each other mature into what God intended us to be: “showing forbearance to one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace (Eph. 4:2—3),

When we’ve taken the responsibility to develop several supportive relationships in this biblical fashion, we can take a no from someone. Why? Because we have somewhere else to go.

Remember that God had no problem telling Paul that he would not take away his thorn. He tells all of us no quite often! God doesn’t worry that his boundaries will injure us. He knows we are to take responsibility for our lives—and sometimes no helps us do just that.



Myth #5: Boundaries Mean That I Am Angry



Brenda had finally mustered up the courage to tell her boss she was no longer going to work weekends for no pay. She had asked for a meeting, which had gone well. Her boss had been understanding, and the situation was being ironed out. Everything had gone well, except inside Brenda,

It had begun innocently enough. Brenda had itemized her issues with the work situation and had presented her view and suggestions. But midway through her presentation, she’d been surprised by a sense of rage welling up inside. Her feeling of anger and injustice had been difficult to keep hidden. It had even slipped out in a couple of sarcastic comments about the boss’s golfing Fridays,” comments that Brenda had had no intention of making.

Sitting at her desk, Brenda felt confused. Where had the anger come from? Was she “that kind of person”? Maybe the culprit was these boundaries she’d been setting.

It’s no secret that quite often, when people begin telling the truth, setting limits, and taking responsibility, an “angry cloud” follows them around for a while, They become touchy and easily offended, and they discover a hair-trigger temper that frightens them. Friends will make comments like, “You’re not the nice, loving person I used to know.” The guilt and shame caused by these remarks can further confuse new boundary setters.

So do boundaries cause anger in us? Absolutely not. This myth is a misunderstanding of emotions in general, and anger specifically. Emotions, or feelings, have a function. They tell us something. They are a signal.

Here are some of the things our “negative” emotions tell us. Fear tells us to move away from danger, to be careful. Sadness tells us that we’ve lost something—a relationship, an opportunity, or an idea. Anger is also a signal. Like fear, anger signals danger. However, rather than urging us to withdraw, anger is a sign that we need to move forward to confront the threat. Jesus’ rage at the defilement of the temple is an example of how this feeling functions (John 2:13-17).

Anger tells us that our boundaries have been violated. Much like a nation’s radar defense system, angry feelings serve as an “early warning system,” telling us we’re in danger of being injured or controlled.

“So that’s why I find myself hostile to pushy salesmen!” Carl exclaimed, He couldn’t understand why he had a hard time loving sales personnel who couldn’t hear his no. They were attempting to get inside his financial boundaries, and Carl’s anger was simply doing its job.

Anger also provides us with a sense of power to solve a problem. It energizes us to protect ourselves, those we love, and our principles. In fact, a common Old Testament illustration of an angry person is someone with a “hard— breathing nose.” Imagine a bull in a ring, Snorting and pawing, getting the steam up to attack, and you’ll get the picture.

However, as with all emotions, anger doesn’t understand time. Anger doesn’t dissipate automatically if the danger occurred two minutes ago—or twenty years ago)! It has to be worked through appropriately. Otherwise, anger simply lives inside the heart.

This is why individuals with injured boundaries often are shocked by the rage they feel inside when they begin setting limits. This is generally not “new anger”—it’s “old anger.” It’s often years of nos that were never voiced, never respected, and never listened to. The protests against all the evil and violation of our souls sit inside us, waiting to tell their truths.

The Scriptures say that the earth quakes “under a slave when he becomes king” (Prov. 30:22). The only difference between a slave and a king is that one has no choices and the other has all choices available to him. When you suddenly give those who have been imprisoned all their lives a great deal of power, the result is often an angry tyrant. Years of constant boundary violations generate great anger.

It’s very common for boundary-injured people to do some “catching up” with anger. They may have a season of looking at boundary violations of the past that they never realized existed.

Nathan’s family was known in his small town as the ideal family. Other kids envied him growing up, saying, “You’re lucky your parents are so close to you—mine couldn’t care less about me.” Feeling a great deal of gratitude for his close family, Nathan never noticed that his family carefully controlled differences and separateness. No one ever really disagreed or fought over values or feelings. “I always thought conflict meant a loss of love,” he would say.

It wasn’t until Nathan’s marriage began suffering that he began questioning his past. He naively married a woman who manipulated and controlled him. Several years into the marriage, he knew it was in serious trouble. But to Nathan’s Surprise, he was not only angry at himself for getting into this mess, but also at his parents for not equipping him with tools for handling life better.

Because he genuinely loved the warm family in which he was raised, Nathan felt guilty and disloyal when he remembered occasions in which his attempts to separate from his parents and set his own limits were constantly and lovingly frustrated. Mom would cry about his argumentativeness. Dad would tell Nathan not to upset his mom. And Nathan’s boundaries remained immature and nonfunctional. The more clearly he saw what this had cost him, the angrier he felt. “I made my own choices in life,” he said. “But life would have been a lot better had they helped me learn to say no to people.

Did Nathan remain angry at his parents forever? No, and neither do you have to. As hostile feelings surface, bring them to relationship. Confess them. The Bible tells us to tell the truth to each other about our lacks, so that we may be healed (James 5:16). Experience the grace of God through others who love you in your anger. This is a first step toward resolving past anger.

A second step is to rebuild the injured parts of your soul. Take responsibility for healing the “treasures” that may have been violated. In Nathan’s case, his sense of personal autonomy and safety had been deeply wounded. He had to practice for a long time to regain this in his primary relationships. But the more he healed, the less anger he felt.

Finally, as you develop a sense of biblical boundaries, you develop more safety in the present. You develop more confidence. You are less enslaved to the fear of other people. In Nathan’s case set better limits with his wife and improved his marriage. As you develop better boundaries, you have less need for anger. This is because in many cases, anger was the only boundary you had. Once you have your no intact, you no longer need the “rage signal.” You can see evil coming your way and prevent it from harming you by your boundaries.

Don’t fear the rage you discover when you first begin your boundary development. It is the protest of earlier parts of your soul. Those parts need to be unveiled, understood, and loved by God and people. And then you need to take responsibility for healing them and developing better boundaries.



Boundaries Decrease Anger



This brings us to an important point about anger: The more biblical our boundaries are, the less anger we experi­ence! Individuals with mature boundaries are the least angry people in the world. While those who are just beginning boundary work see their anger increase, this passes as boundaries grow and develop.

Why is this? Remember the “early warning system function of anger. We feel it when we are violated. If you can prevent boundary violation in the first place, you don’t need the anger. You are more in control of your life and values.

Tina resented her husband’s coming home forty-five minutes late to dinner every night. She had a hard time keeping the food hot; the kids were hungry and crabby, and their evening study schedule was thrown off. Things changed, however, when she began serving dinner on time, with or without her husband. He came home to refrigerated leftovers that he had to reheat and eat alone. Three or four sessions like this prompted Tina’s husband to tear himself away from work earlier!

Tina’s boundary (eating with the kids on time) kept her from feeling violated and victimized. She got her needs met, the kids’ needs met, and she didn’t feel angry anymore. The old saying, “Don’t get mad. Just get even” isn’t accurate. It’s far better to say, “Don’t get mad. Set a limit!”



Myth #6: When Others Set Boundaries, It Injures Me



“Randy, I’m sorry, but I can’t lend you the money,” Pete said. “This is just a bad time for me.

My best friend, Randy thought to himself. I come to him in need, and he refuses me. What a blow! I guess that shows me what kind of friendship we really have.

Randy is preparing to embark on a life of boundarylessness with others. Why? Because being on the “receiving end” was hurtful to him. He even made an emotional vow never to put anyone else through his experience.

Many of us are like Randy. Having someone say no to our request for support leaves a bad taste in our mouths. It feels hurtful, rejecting, or cold. It becomes difficult to conceive of setting limits as being helpful or good.

Having to accept the boundaries of others is certainly not pleasant. None of us enjoys hearing the word no. Let’s look at why accepting others’ boundaries is such a problem.

First, having inappropriate boundaries set on us can injure us, especially in childhood. A parent can hurt a child by not providing the correct amount of emotional connection at the appropriate time. Children’s emotional and psycholog­ical needs are primarily the responsibility of the parents. The younger the child, the fewer places he or she can go to get those needs met. A self-centered, immature, or depen­dent parent can hurt a child by saying no at the wrong times.

Robert’s earliest memories were of being in his crib, alone in the room, for hours at a time. His parents would simply leave him there, thinking he was fine if he wasn’t crying. Actually, he had moved past trying to infant depres­sion. Their no created a deep sense of being unwanted, which followed him into adulthood.

Second, we project our own injuries onto others. When we feel pain, one response is to “disown” the bad feeling and to throw it onto others. This is called projection. Quite often, people who have been hurt by inappropriate child­hood boundaries will throw their fragility onto others. Sensing their own pain in others, they will avoid setting limits on others, as they imagine how devastating it would be to them.

Robert had extreme difficulty setting nighttime limits with his three-year-old daughter, Abby. Whenever she would cry about having to go to bed, he would panic inside, thinking, I’m abandoning my daughter—she needs me and I’m not there for her. Actually, he was a wonderful father, who read stories at night, prayed, and sang songs with his little girl. But he read his own pain in her tears. Robert’s injuries kept him from setting the correct limits on Abby’s wish to keep him singing songs and playing—until sunrise.

Third, an inability to receive someone’s boundary may mean there is an idolatrous relationship. Kathy felt wounded and isolated when her husband wouldn’t want to talk at night. His silence resulted in severe feelings of alienation. She began wondering if she were being injured by her husband’s boundaries.

The real problem, however, lay in Kathy’s dependence on her husband. Her emotional well—being rested on his being there for her at all times. He was to have provided everything that her own alcoholic parents hadn’t. When he had a bad day and withdrew, her own day was a disaster.

Though we certainly need each other, no one but God is indispensable. When a conflict with one significant person can bring us to despair, it is possible that we are putting that person on a throne that should only be occupied by God. We should never see one other person as the only source of good in the world. It hurts our spiritual and emotional freedom, and our development.

Ask yourself: “If the person I can’t hear no from were to die tonight, to whom would I go? It’s crucial to develop several deep, significant relationships. This allows those in our lives to feel free to say no to us without guilt because we have somewhere else to go.

When we have a person we can’t take no from, we have, in effect, handed over the control of our lives to them. All they have to do is threaten withdrawal, and we will comply. This occurs quite often in marriages, where one spouse is kept in emotional blackmail by the other’s threat to leave, Not only is this no way to live— it doesn’t work, either. The controller continues withdrawing whenever he or she is displeased. And the boundaryless person continues franti­cally scrambling to keep him or her happy. Dr. James Dobson’s Love Must Be Tough is a classic work on this kind of boundary problem.

Fourth, an inability to accept others’ boundaries can indicate a problem in taking responsibility. Randy, who needed a loan from his best friend, is an example of this problem. He was making Pete responsible for his own financial woes. Some people become so accustomed to others rescuing them that they begin to believe that their well-being is someone else’s problem. They feel let down and unloved when they aren’t bailed out. They fail to accept responsibility for their own lives.

Paul strongly confronted the Corinthians in a letter that has since been lost. He set limits on their rebelliousness. Thankfully, they responded well:



Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it—I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while—yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. (2 Cor. 7:8-9)



The Corinthians took, accepted, and responded well to Paul’s boundaries, whatever they were. That’s a sign of taking responsibility.

It’s helpful to remember Jesus Golden Ride here: “in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you” (Matt. 7:12). Apply it to setting limits. Do you want others to respect your boundaries? Then you must be willing to respect the boundaries of others.



Myth #7: Boundaries Cause Feelings of Guilt



Edward shook his head. “There’s something not right about all this for me,” he said. My folks were always so caring and concerned about me. It’s been such a great relationship. And then . . .” He paused, groping for words.

‘‘And then I met Judy and we got married. And that was wonderful. We saw my folks every week, sometimes more. Then the kids came along. Everything was fine. Until I got the job offer from across the country. It was the position of my dreams—Judy was excited about it, too.

“But as soon as I told my parents about the offer, things changed. I starter hearing them talk about Dad’s health—I hadn’t realized it was that bad. About Mom’s loneliness—about how we were the only bright spots in their lives. And about all the sacrifices they’d made for me.

“What do I do? They’re right… they’ve given their lives to me. How can I leave them after all that?”

Edward isn’t alone in his dilemma. One of the major obstacles to setting boundaries with others in our lives is our feelings of obligation. What do we owe not only our parents, but anyone who’s been loving toward us? What’s appropriate and biblical, and what isn’t?

Many individuals solve this dilemma by avoiding bound­ary setting with those to whom they feel an obligation. In this sense, they can avoid the guilty feelings that occur when they say no to someone who has been kind to them. They never leave home, never change schools or churches, and never switch jobs our friends. Even when it would be an otherwise mature move.

The idea is that because we have received something, we owe something. The problem is the nonexistent debt. The love we receive, or money, or time—or anything which causes us to feel obligated—should be accepted as a gift.

“Gift” implies no strings attached. All that’s really needed is gratitude. The giver has no second thought that the present will provide a return. It was simply provided because someone loved someone and wanted to do some­thing for him or her. Period.

That is how God views his gift of salvation to us. It cost him his Son. It was motivated out of love for us. And our response is to receive it, and to be grateful. Why is gratitude so important? Because God knows that our gratitude for what he has done for us will move us to love others: “as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness” (Col. 2:7).

What do we owe those who are kind to us, who have genuinely cared for us? We owe them thanks. And from our grateful heart, we should go out and help others.

We need to distinguish here between those who “give to get” and those who truly give selflessly. It’s generally easy to tell the difference. If the giver is hurt or angered by a sincere thanks, the gift was probably a loan. If the gratitude is enough, you probably received a legitimate gift with no feelings of guilt attached.

God does an instructive job of keeping the issue of gratitude and boundaries separate. In Revelation’s letters to the seven churches, he singles out three churches (Ephesus, Pergamum, and Thyatira):

1. He praises their accomplishments (gratitude).

2. He then tells them that even so, he has “something against” them (2:4, 14, 20).

3. He finally confronts their irresponsibilities (bound­aries).

He doesn’t allow the two issues to be confused. Neither should we.



Myth #8: Boundaries Are Permanent, and I’m Afraid of Burning My Bridges



“But what if I change my mind?” Carla asked. “I’m scared that I’ll set a boundary with my best friend, and then she’ll leave and forget about me.

It’s important to understand that your no is always subject to you. You own your boundaries. They don’t own you. If you set limits with someone, and she responds maturely and lovingly, you can renegotiate the boundary. In addition, you can change the boundary if you are in a safer place.

Changing and renegotiating boundaries has many bibli­cal precedents: God chose not to destroy Nineveh, for example, when the city repented (Jonah 3:10). In addition, Paul rejected John Mark for a mission trip because the younger man had deserted Paul (Acts 15:37-39). Yet, years later, Paul requested John Mark’s companionship (2 Tim. 4:11). The timing was ripe to change his boundary.

As you’ve probably noticed, some of these myths are genuine misconceptions you may have learned from distort­ed teachings. Yet others simply result from the fear of standing up and saving no to unbiblical responsibility. Prayerfully review which myths have entangled and ensnared you. Search the Scripture mentioned in this chapter. And ask God to give you a sense of confidence that he believes in good boundaries more than you do.

Ten Laws of Boundaries

Imagine for a moment that you live on another planet operating under different principles. Suppose your planet has no gravity and no need for a medium of exchange such as money. You get your energy and fuel from osmosis, instead of eating and drinking. Suddenly, without warning, you find yourself transported to Earth.

When you awake from your trip, you step out of your hovering spacecraft and fall abruptly to the ground. “Ouch!” you say, not knowing exactly why you fell. After regaining your composure, you decide to travel around a bit, but are unable to fly, because of this new phenomenon called gravity. So you start walking.

After a while, you notice that, strangely, you feel hungry and thirsty. You wonder why. Where you come from, the galactic system rejuvenates your body automatically. Lucki­ly, you run across an earthling who diagnoses your problem and tells you that you need food. Better yet, he recommends a place where you can eat, called Jack’s Diner.

You follow his directions, go into the restaurant, and manage to order some of this Earth food that contains all the nutrients you need. You immediately feel better. But then, the man who gave you the food wants “seven dollars” for what he gave you. You have no idea what he’s talking about. After quite an argument, some men in uniforms come and take you away and put you in a small room with bars. What in the world is going on, you wonder.

You didn’t mean anyone harm, yet you are in “jail,” whatever that is. You can no longer move about as you want, and you resent it. You only tried to be about your own business, and now you have a sore leg, fatigue from your long walk, and a stomachache from eating too much. Nice place, this Earth.

Does this sound farfetched? People raised in dysfunctional families, or families where God’s ways of boundaries are not practiced, have experiences similar to that of the alien. They find themselves transported into adult life where spiritual principles that have never been explained to them govern their relationships and well-being. They hurt, are hungry, and may end up in jail, but they never know the principles that could have helped them operate in accord with reality instead of against it. So, they are prisoners of their own ignorance.

God’s world is set tip with laws and principles. Spiritual realities are as real as gravity, and if you do not know them, you will discover their effects. Just because we have not been taught these principles of life and relationships does not mean they will not rule. We need to know the principles God has woven into life and operate according to them. Below are ten laws of boundaries that you can learn to begin to experience life differently.



Law- #1: The Law of sowing and Reaping



The law of cause and effect is a basic law of life. The Bible calls it the law of Sowing and Reaping. “You reap whatever you sow. If you sow to your own flesh, you will reap corruption from the flesh; but if you Sow to the Spirit, you will reap eternal life from the Spirit’’ (Gal. 6:7-8 NRSV).

When God call us that we will reap what we sow, he is not punishing us; he’s telling us how things really are. If you smoke cigarettes, you most likely will develop a smoker’s hack, and you may even get lung cancer. If you overspend, you most likely will get calls from creditors, and you may even go hungry because you have no money for food. On the other hand if you eat right and exercise regularly, you may suffer from fewer colds and bouts with the flu. If you budget wisely, you will have money for the bill collectors and for the grocery store.

Sometimes, however, people don’t reap what they sow, because someone else steps in and reaps the consequences for them. If every time you overspent, your mother sent you money to cover check overdrafts or high credit-card balances, you wouldn’t reap the consequences of your spend-thrift ways. Your mother would be protecting you from the natural consequences: the hounding of creditors or going hungry.

As the mother in the above example demonstrates, the Law of’ Sowing and Reaping can he interrupted. And it is often people who have no boundaries who do the interrupt­ing. Just as we can interfere with the law of gravity by catching a glass tumbling off the table, people can interfere with the Law of Cause and Effect by stepping in and rescuing irresponsible people. Rescuing a person from the natural consequences of his behavior enables him to con­tinue in irresponsible behavior. The Law of Sowing and Reaping has not been repealed. It is still operating. But the doer is not suffering the consequences; someone else is.

Today we call a person who continually rescues another person a codependent. In effect, codependent, boundary-less people “co-sign the note” of life for the irresponsible person. Then they end up paying the bills—physically, emotionally, and spiritually—and the spendthrift continues out of control with no consequences. He continues to be loved, pampered, and treated nicely.

Establishing boundaries helps codependent people stop interrupting the Law of Sowing and Reaping in their loved one’s life. Boundaries force the person who is doing the sowing to also do the reaping.

It doesn’t help just to confront the irresponsible person. A client will often say to me, “But I do confront Jack. I have tried many times to let him know what I think about his behavior and that he needs to change.” In reality, my client is only nagging Jack. Jack will not feel the need to change because his behavior is not causing him any pain. Confront­ing an irresponsible person is not painful to him; only consequences are.

If Jack is wise, confrontation might change his behavior. But people caught in destructive patterns are usually not wise. They need to suffer consequences before they change their behavior. The Bible tells us it is worthless to confront foolish people: “Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you; rebuke a wise man and he will love you” (Prov. 9:8).

Codependent people bring insults and pain onto them­selves when they confront irresponsible people. In reality, they just need to stop interrupting the law of sowing and reaping in someone’s life.



Law #2: The Law of Responsibility



Many times when people hear a talk on boundaries and taking responsibility for their own lives, they say, “That’s so self-centered. We should love one another and deny ourselves.” Or, they actually become selfish and self-centered. Or, they feel “guilty” when they do someone a favor. These are unbiblical views of responsibility.

The Law of Responsibility includes loving others. The commandment to love is the entire law for Christians (Gal. 5:13-14). Jesus calls it my commandment, “Love each other as I have loved you” (John 5: 12-13). Anytime you are not loving others, you are not taking full responsibility for yourself; you have disowned your heart.

Problems arise when boundaries of responsibility are confused. We are to love one another, not be one another. I can’t feel your feelings for you. I can’t think for you. I can’t behave for you. I can’t work through the disappointment that limits bring for you. In short, I can’t grow for you; only you can. Likewise, you can’t grow for me. The biblical mandate for our own personal growth is ‘‘Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose (Phil. 2: 12-13). You are responsible for yourself. I am responsible for myself.

An additional theme in the Bible says that we are to treat others the way we would want to be treated. If we were down and out, helpless and without hope, we would certainly want help and provision. This is a very important side of being responsible “to.”

Another aspect of being responsible “to” is not only in the giving but in the setting of limits on another’s destructive and irresponsible behavior. It is not good to rescue someone from the consequences of their sin, for you will only have to do it again. You have reinforced the pattern (Prov. 19:19). It is the same principle spoken of in child rearing; it is hurtful to not have limits with others. It leads them to destruction (Prov. 23:13).

A strong strand throughout the Bible stresses that you are to give to needs and put limits on sin. Boundaries help you do just that.



Law #3: The Law of Power

As the Twelve Step movement grows within the church. Christians in therapy and recovery voice a common confusion. Am I powerless over my behavior? If I am, how can I become responsible? What do I have the power to do?

The Twelve Steps and the Bible teach that people must admit that they are moral failures. Alcoholics admit that they are powerless over alcohol: they don’t have the fruit of self-control. They are powerless over their addiction, much like Paul was: “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. . . . For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing . . . waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members (Rom. 7:15, 19, 23). This is powerlessness. John says that we are all in that state, and that anyone that denies it is lying (1 John 1:8).

Though you do not have the power in and of yourself to overcome these patterns, you do have the power to do some things that will bring fruits of victory later:

1. You have the power to agree with the truth about your problems. In the Bible this is called “confession.” To confess means to “agree with.” You have the ability to at least say “that is me.” You may not be able to change it yet, but you can confess.

2. You have the power to submit your inability to God. You always have the power to ask for help and yield. You have the power to humble yourself and turn your life over to him. You may not be able to make yourself well, but you can call the Doctor! The humbling of yourself commanded in the Bible is always coupled with great promises. If you do what you are able—confess, believe, and ask for help—God will do what you are unable to do—bring about change (1 John 1:9; James 4:7-10: Matt. 5:3, 6).

3. You have the power to search and ask God and others to reveal more and more about what is within boundaries.

4. You have the power to turn from the evil that you find within you. This is called repentance. This does not mean that you’ll be perfect; it means that you can see your sinful parts as aspects that you want to change

5. You have the power to humble yourself and ask God and others to help you with your developmental injuries and leftover childhood needs. Many of your problematic parts come from being empty inside, and you need to seek God and others to have those needs met.

6. You have the power to seek out those that you have injured arid make amends. You need to do this in order to be responsible for yourself and your sin, and be responsible to those you have injured. Matthew 5:23-24 says, “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother: then come and offer your gift.”

On the other Side of the coin, your boundaries help define what you do not have power over: everything outside of them! Listen to the way the serenity prayer (probably the best boundary prayer ever written) says it:



God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.



In other words, God, clarify my boundaries! You can work on submitting yourself to the process and working with God to change you. You cannot change anything else; not the weather, the past, the economy—and especially not other people. You cannot change others. More people suffer from trying to change other than from any other sickness. And it is impossible.

What you can do is influence others. But there is a trick. Since you cannot get them to change, you must change yourself so that their destructive patterns no longer work on you. Change your way of dealing with them; they may be motivated to change if their old ways no longer work.

Another dynamic that happens when you let go of others is that you begin to get healthy, and they may notice and envy your health. They may want some of what you have.

One more thing, You need the wisdom to know what is you and what is not you. Pray for the wisdom to know the difference between what you have the power to change and what you do not.

Law #4: The Law of Respect



One word comes up again and again when people describe their problems with boundaries: they. “But they won’t accept me if I say no.” “But they will get angry if I set limits.” “But they won’t speak to fl)0 for a week if’ I tell them how I really feel.”

We fear that others will not respect our boundaries. We focus on others and lose clarity about ourselves. Sometimes the problem is that we judge others’ boundaries. We say or think things such as this:



‘‘How could he refuse to come by and pick me up? It’s right on his way! He could find some ‘time alone’ some other time.”



“That’s so selfish of her to not come to the luncheon. After all, the rest of us are sacrificing.”



“What do you mean, ‘no’? I just need the money for a little while.”



“It seems that, after all I do for you, you could at least do me this one little favor.”



We judge the boundary decisions of others, thinking that we know best how they “ought” to give, and usually that means “they ought to give to me the way I want them to!”

But the Bible says whenever we judge, we will be judged (Matt. 7:1-2). When we judge others’ boundaries, ours will fall under the same judgment. If we condemn others’ boundaries, we expect them to condemn ours. This sets up a fear cycle inside that makes us afraid to set the boundaries that we need to set. As a result, we comply, then we resent, and the “love” that we have “given” goes sour.

This is where the Law of Respect comes in. As Jesus said, “so in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you (Matt. 7:12). We need to respect the boundaries of others. We need to love the boundaries of others in order to command respect for our own. We need to treat their boundaries the way we want them to treat ours.

If we love and respect people who tell us no, they will love and respect our no. Freedom begets freedom. If we are walking in the Spirit, we give people the freedom to make their own choices. “Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom” 2 Cor 3: 17). If we are going to judge at all, it needs to be by the “perfect law that gives freedom’’ (James 1:25).

Our real concern with others should not be “Are they doing what I would do or what I want them to do?” but “Are they really making a free choice?” When we accept others freedom, we don’t get angry, feel guilty, or withdraw our love when they set boundaries with us. When we accept others’ freedom, we feel better about our own.



Law #5: The Law of Motivation



Stan was confused. He read in the Bible and was taught in church that it was more blessed to give than to receive, but he found that this often was not true. He frequently felt unappreciated for “all he was doing.” He wished people would have more consideration for his time and energy. Yet, whenever someone wanted something from him, he would do it. He thought this was loving, and he wanted to be a loving person.

Finally, when the fatigue grew into depression, he came to see me.

When I asked what was wrong, Stan replied that he was “loving too much.”

“How can you ‘love too much?’” I asked. “I’ve never heard of such a thing.”

“Oh, it’s very simple,” replied Stan. “I do far more for people than I should. And that makes me very depressed.”

I’m not quite sure what you are doing,” I said, “but it certainly isn’t love. The Bible says that true love leads to a blessed state and a state of cheer. Love brings happiness, not depression. If your loving is depressing you, it’s probably not love.”

I don’t see how you can say that. I do so much for everyone. I give and give and give. How can you say that I’m not loving?

“I can say that because of the fruit of your actions. You should be feeling happy, not depressed. Why don’t you tell me some of the things you do for people?

As we spent more time together, Stan learned that a lot of his “doing” and sacrificing was not motivated by love but by fear. Stan had learned early in life that if he did not do what his brother wanted, she would withdraw love from him. As a result, Stan learned to give reluctantly. His motive for giving was not love, but fear of losing love.

Stan was also afraid of other people’s anger. Because his father frequently yelled at him when he was a. boy, he learned to fear angry confrontations. This fear kept him from saying no to others. Self-centered people often get angry when someone tells them no.

Stan said yes out of fear that he would lose love and that other people would get angry at him. These false motives and others keep us from setting boundaries:

1. Fear of loss of love, or abandonment. People who say yes and then resent saying yes fear losing someone’s love. This is the dominant motive of martyrs. They give to get love, and when they don’t get it, they feel abandoned.

2. Fear of others’ anger. Because of old hurts and poor boundaries, some people can’t stand for anyone to be mad at them.

3. Fear of loneliness. Some people give in to others because they feel that that will “win” love and end their loneliness.

4. Fear of losing the “good me” inside. We are made to love. As a result, when we are not loving, we are in pain. Many people cannot say, “I love you and I do not want to do that.” Such a statement does not make sense to them. They think that to love means to always say yes.

5. Guilt. Many people’s giving is motivated by guilt. They are trying to do enough good things to overcome the guilt inside and feel good about themselves. When they say no, they feel bad. So they keep trying to earn a sense of goodness.

6. Payback. Many people have received things with guilt messages attached. For example, their parents say things like, “I never had it as good as you.” “You should be ashamed at all you get.” They feel a burden to pay for all they have been given.

7. Approval. Many feel as if they are still children seeking parental approval. Therefore, when someone wants something from them, they need to give so that this symbolic parent will be “well pleased.”

8. Over-identification with the others’ loss. Many times people have not dealt with all their own disappointments and losses, so whenever they deprive someone else with a no, they “feel” the other persons sadness to the nth degree. They can’t stand to hurt someone that badly, so they comply.



The point is this: we were called into freedom, and this freedom results in gratitude, an overflowing heart, and love for others. To give bountifully has great reward. It is truly more blessed to give than to receive. If your giving is not leading to cheer, then you need to examine the Law of Motivation.

The Law of Motivation says this: Freedom first, service second. If you serve to get free of your fear, you are doomed to failure. Let God work on the fears, resolve them, and create some healthy boundaries to guard the freedom you were called to.



Law #6: The Law of Evaluation



“But if I told him I wanted to do that, wouldn’t he be hurt?” Jason asked. When Jason told me he wished to assume responsibility for tasks his business partner was performing poorly, I encouraged him to talk to his partner.

“Sure he might be hurt,” I said, in response to his question. “So, what’s your problem?”

“Well, I wouldn’t want to hurt him,” Jason said, looking at me as though I should have known that.

“I’m sure you would not want to hurt him,” I said. “But what does that have to do with the decision you have to make?”

“Well, I couldn’t just make a decision without taking his feelings into account. That’s cruel.”

“I agree with you. That would be cruel. But, when are you going to tell him?’

“You just said that to tell him would hurt him and that would be cruel,” Jason said, perplexed.

“No, I didn’t,” I replied. “I said to tell him without considering his feelings would be cruel. That is very different from not doing what you need to do.”

“I don’t see any difference. It would still hurt him.”

“But it would not harm him, and that’s the big difference. If anything, the hurt would help him.”

“Now I’m really confused. How can it possibly help to hurt him?”

“Well, have you ever gone to the dentist?” I asked.

“Sure.”

“Did the dentist hurt you when he drilled your tooth to remove the cavity?’’

“Yes.”

“Did he harm you?”

“No, he made me feel better.”

“Hurt and harm are different, I pointed out. “When you ate the sugar that gave you the cavity, did that hurt?”

No, it tasted good, he said, with a smile that told me he was catching on.

“Did it harm you?”

“Yes.”

“That’s my point. Things can hurt and not harm us. In fact they can even be good for us. And things that feel good can be very harmful to us.”



You need to evaluate the effects of setting boundaries and be responsible to the other person, but that does not mean you should avoid setting boundaries because someone responds with hurt or anger. To have boundaries—in this instance, Jason’s saying no to his partner—is to live a purposeful life.

Jesus refers to it as the “narrow gate.” It is always earlier to go through the “broad gate of destruction and continue to not set boundaries where we need to. But, the result is always the same: destruction. Only the honest, purposeful life leads to good fruit. Deciding to set boundaries is difficult because it requires decision making and confrontation, which, in turn, may cause pain to someone you love.

We need to evaluate the pain caused by our making choices and empathize with it. Take Sandy, for example. Sandy chose to go skiing with friends instead of going home for Christmas vacation. Her mother was sad and disap­pointed, but she was not harmed. Sandy’s decision caused sadness, but her mothers sadness should not cause Sandy to change her mind. A loving response to her mothers hurt would be, “Oh, Mom, I’m sad that we won’t be together too. In looking forward to next summer’s visit.

If Sandy’s mother respected her freedom to make choices, she would say some thing like this: “I’m so disap­pointed that you’re not coming home for Christmas, but I hope you all have a great time.” She would be owning her disappointment and respecting Sandy’s choice to spend her time with friends.

We cause pain by making choices that others do not like, but we also cause pain by confronting people when they are wrong. But if we do not share our anger with another, bitterness and hatred can set in. We need to be honest with one another about how we are hurt. “Speak truthfully to [your] neighbor, for [you] are all members of one body (Eph. 4.25)

As iron sharpens iron, we need confrontation and truth from others to grow. No one likes to hear negative things about him or herself. But in the long run it may be good for us. The Bible says that if we are wise, we will learn from it. Admonition from a friend, while it can hurt, can also help.

We need to evaluate the pain our confrontation causes other people. We need to see how this hurt is helpful to others and sometimes the best thing that we can do for them and the relationship. We need to evaluate the pain in a positive light



Law #7; The Law of Proactivity



For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Paul says that wrath and sinful passions are a direct reaction to the severity of the law (Rom. 4:15; 5:20; 7:5). In Ephesians and Colossians he says wrath and disillusionment can be reactions to parental injustice (Eph. 6:4; Col. 3:21).

Many of us have known people who, after years of being passive and compliant, suddenly go ballistic, and we wonder what happened. We blame it on the counselor they are seeing or the company they’ve been keeping.

In reality, they had been complying for years, and their pent-up rage explodes. This reactive phase of boundary creation is helpful, especially for victims. They need to get out of the powerless, victimized place in which they may have been forced by physical and sexual abuse, or by emotional blackmail and manipulation. We should herald their emancipation.

But when is enough enough? Reaction phases are necessary but not sufficient for the establishment of boundaries. It is crucial for the two-year-old to throw the peas at Mommy, but to continue that until forty-three is too much. It is crucial for victims of abuse to feel the rage and hatred of being powerless, but to be screaming “victim rights” for the rest of their lives is being stuck in a victim mentality.”

Emotionally, the reactive stance brings diminishing returns. You must react to find your own boundaries, but having found them, you must “not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature.... If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other” (Gal. 5:13, 15). Eventually, you must rejoin the human race you have reacted to, and establish connections as equals, loving your neighbor as yourself.

This is the beginning of the establishment of proactive, instead of reactive, boundaries. This is where you are able to use the freedom you gained through reacting to love, enjoy, and serve one another. Proactive people show you what they love, what they want, what they purpose, and what they stand for. These people are very different from those who are known by what they hate, what they don’t like, what they stand against, and what they will not do.

While reactive victims are primarily known by their “against” stances, proactive people do not demand rights, they live them. Power is not something you demand or deserve, it is something you express. The ultimate expression of power is love; it is the ability not to express power, but to restrain it. Proactive people are able to “love others as themselves.” They have mutual respect. They are able to “die to self and not “return evil for evil.” They have gotten past the reactive stance of the law and are able to love and not react.

Listen to Jesus compare the reactive person is still controlled by the law and others with the free person: “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eve for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you. Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also” (Matt. 5:38-39).

Do not try to get to freedom without owning your reactive period and feelings. You do not need to act this out, but you do need to express the feelings. You need to practice and gain assertiveness. You need to get far enough away From abusive people to be able to fence your property against further invasion. And then you need to own the treasures you find in your soul.

But, do not stay there. Spiritual adulthood has higher goals than “finding yourself.” A reactive stage is a stage, not an identity. It is necessary, but not sufficient.



Law #8: The Law of Envy



The New Testament speaks strongly against the envious heart. Consider James: “You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight” (James 4:2).

What does envy have to do with boundaries? Envy is probably the basest emotion we have. A direct result of the Fall, it was Satan’s sin. The Bible says that he had a wish to “be like the Most High.” He envied God. In turn, he tempted Adam and Eve with the same idea, telling them that they could be like God also. Satan and our parents, Adam and Eve, were not satisfied with who they were and could rightfully become. They wanted what they did not have, and it destroyed them.

Envy defines “good” as “what I do not possess,” and hates the good that it has. How many times have you heard someone subtly put down the accomplishments of others, somehow robbing them of the goodness they had attained? We all have envious parts to our personalities. But what is so destructive about this particular sin is that it guarantees that we will not get what we want and keeps us perpetually insatiable and dissatisfied.

This is not to say that it is wrong to want things we do not have. God has said that he will give us the desires of our heart. The problem with envy is that it focuses outside our boundaries, onto others. If we are focusing on what others have or have accomplished, we are neglecting our responsi­bilities and will ultimately have an empty heart. Look at the difference in Galatians 6:4: “Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else.”

Envy is a self-perpetuating cycle. Boundaryless people feel empty and unfulfilled. They look at another’s sense of fullness and feel envious. This time and energy needs to be spent on taking responsibility for their lack and doing something about it. Taking action is the only way out. “You have not because you ask not.” And the Bible adds “because you work not.” Possessions and accomplishments are not the only things we envy. We can envy a person’s character and personality, instead of developing the gifts God has given us (Rom. 12:6).

Think of these situations:



A lonely person stays isolated and envious of the close relationships others have.



A single woman withdraws from social life, envying the marriages and families of her friends.



A middle-aged woman feels stuck in her career and wants to pursue something she would enjoy, yet always has a “yes, but …” reason why she can’t, resenting and envying those who have “gone for it.”



A person chooses the righteous life, but envies and resents those who seem to be “having all the fun”



These people are all negating their own actions (Gal. 6:4) and comparing themselves to others, staying stuck and resentful. Notice the difference between those statements and these:



A lonely person owns his lack of relationships and asks himself and God, “1 wonder why I always withdraw from people. I can at least go and talk to a counselor about this. Even if I am afraid of social situations, I could seek some help. No one should live this way. I’ll make the call.”



The single woman asks, “I wonder why I never get asked out, or why I keep getting turned down for dates? What is wrong about what I am doing or how I’m communicating, or where I’m going to meet people? How could I become a more interesting person? Maybe I could join a therapy group to find out why or I could subscribe to a dating service to find people with interests similar to mine.”



The middle-aged woman asks herself, “Why am I reluctant to pursue my interests? Why do I feel selfish when I want to quit row job to do something I enjoy? What am I afraid of? If I were really honest, I would notice that the ones who are doing what they like have had to take some risks and sometimes work and go to school to change jobs. That may just be more than I am willing to do”



The righteous person asks himself, “If I am really ‘choos­ing to love and serve God, why do I feel like a slave? What is wrong with my spiritual life? What is it about me that envies someone living in the gutter?”



These people are questioning themselves instead of envying others. Your envy should always be a sign to you that you are lacking something. At that moment, you should ask God to help you understand what you resent, why you do not have whatever you are envying, and whether you truly desire it. Ask him to show you what you need to do to get there, or to give up the desire.



Law #.9: The Law of Activity



Human beings are responders and initiators. Many times we have boundary problems because we lack initiative—the God-given ability to propel ourselves into life. We respond to invitations and push ourselves into life.

The best boundaries are formed when a child is pushing against the world naturally, and the outside world sets its limits on the child. In this way, the aggressive child has learned limits without losing his or her spirit. Our spiritual and emotional well- being depends on our having this spirit.

Consider the contrast in the parable of the talents. The ones who succeeded were active and assertive. They initiated and pushed. The one who lost out was passive arid inactive.

The sad thing is that many people who are passive are not inherently evil or bad people. But evil is an active force, and passivity can become an ally of evil by not pushing against it. Passivity never pays off. God will match our effort, but he will never do our work for us. That would be an invasion of our boundaries. He wants us to be assertive and active, seeking and knocking on the door of life.

We know that God is not mean to people who are afraid; the Scripture is full of examples of his compassion. But he will not enable passivity. The “wicked and lazy” servant was passive, He did not try. God’s grace covers failure, but it cannot make up for passivity. We have to do our part.

The sin God rebukes is not trying and failing, but failing to try. Trying, failing, and trying again is called learning. Failing to try will have no good result; evil will triumph. God expresses his opinion toward passivity in Hebrews 10:38-39: “‘But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him.’ But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved.” Passive “shrinking back” is intolerable to God, and when we understand how destructive it is to the soul, we can see why God does not tolerate it. God wants us to “preserve our souls.” That is the role of boundaries; they define and preserve our property, our soul.

I have been told that when a baby bird is ready to hatch, if you break the egg for the bird, it will die. The bird must peck its own way out of the egg into the world. This aggressive “workout” strengthens the bird, allowing it to function in the outside world. Robbed of this responsibility, it will die.

This is also the way God has made us. If he “hatches” us, does our wonk for us, invades our boundaries, we will die. We must not shrink back passively. Our boundaries can only be created by our being active and aggressive, by our knocking, seeking, and asking (Matt. 7:7-8).



Law #10: The Law of Exposure



A boundary is a property line. It defines where you begin and end. We have been discussing why you need such a line. One reason stands above all the others: You do not exist in a vacuum. You exist in relation to God and others. Your boundaries define you in relation to others.

The whole concept of boundaries has to do with the fact that we exist in relationship. Therefore, boundaries are really about relationship, and finally about love. That’s why the Law of Exposure is so important.

The Law of Exposure says that your boundaries need to be made visible to others and communicated to them in relationship. We have many boundary problems because of relational fears. We are beset by fears of guilt, not being liked, loss of love, loss of connection, loss of approval, receiving anger, being known, and so on. These are all failures in love, and God’s plan is that we learn how to love. These relational problems can only be solved in relationships, for that is the context of the problems themselves, and the context of spiritual existence.

Because of these fears, we try to have secret boundaries. We withdraw passively and quietly, instead of communicating an honest no to someone we love. We secretly resent instead of telling someone that we are angry about how they have hurt us. Often, we will privately endure the pain of someone’s irresponsibility instead of telling them how their behavior affects us and other loved ones, information that would be helpful to their soul.

In other situations, a partner will secretly comply with her spouse, not offering her feelings or opinions for twenty years, and then suddenly “express” her boundaries by filing for divorce. Or parents will love their children by giving in over and over for years, not setting limits, and resenting the love they are showing, The children grow up never feeling loved, because of the lack of honesty, and their parents are befuddled, thinking, “After all we’ve done,”

In these instances, because of unexpressed boundaries, the- relationships suffered. An important thing to remember about boundaries is that they exist, and they will affect us, whether or not we communicate them. In the same way that the alien suffered from not knowing the laws of Earth, we suffer when we do not communicate the reality of our boundaries. If our boundaries are not communicated and exposed directly, they will be communicated indirectly or through manipulation.

The Bible speaks to this issue in many places. Listen to the words of Paul: “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. ‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry” (Eph, 4:25-26), The biblical mandate is be honest and be in the light. Listen further, “But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said: ‘Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you’”(Eph, 5: 13-14).

The Bible continually speaks of our being in the light and of the light as the only place where we have access to God and others. But, because of our fears, we hide aspects of ourselves in the darkness, where the devil has an opportunity. When our boundaries are in the light, that is, are communicated openly, our personalities begin to integrate for the first time. They become “visible,” in Paul’s words, and then they become light. They are transformed and changed. Healing always takes place in the light.

David speaks of it in this way: “Surely you desire truth in the inner parts: you teach me wisdom in the inmost place” (Ps. 51:6). God wants real relationship with us and wants us to have real relationship with each other. Real relationship means that I am in the light with my boundaries and other aspects of myself that are difficult to communicate. Our boundaries are affected by sin; they “miss the mark,” and need to be brought into the light for God to heal them and others to benefit from them. This is the path to real love: Communicate your boundaries openly.

Remember the story of the alien. The good news is that when God brings us out from an alien land, he does not leave us untaught. He rescued his people from the Egyptians, but, he taught them his principles and ways. These proved to be life to them. But, they had to learn them, practice them, and fight many battles to internalize these principles of faith.

God has probably led you out of captivity also. Whether it was from a dysfunctional family, the world, your own religious self-righteousness, or the scatteredness of being lost, he has been your Redeemer. But what he has secured needs to be possessed. The land to which he has brought you has certain realities and principles. Learn these as set forth in his Word, and you’ll find his kingdom a wonderful place to live,