One of the prices of leadership is criticism. When spectators watch a race, where do they focus their attention? On the front runners! Few people pay close attention to the racers who are out of contention. Racers who are viewed as being out or the running are often ignored or dismissed. But when you’re out front and ahead of the crowd, everything you do attracts attention.
As a young leader I wanted to be out front, and I enjoyed the praise of the people. However, I didn’t want to put up with anybody’s “constructive criticism.” Very quickly I learned that I had unrealistic expectations. You don’t get one without receiving the other. If you want to be a leader, you need to get used to criticism, because if you are successful, you will be criticized. Certain people will always find something to be unhappy about. And the way some people criticize others, you’d think they got paid for it!
Being criticized can be very discouraging. One day when I was feeling down, I shared my weariness of criticism with a friend, and his response was enlightening.
“When you’re getting discouraged as a leader,” he said, “think of Moses. He led a million complaining people for forty years and never arrived where he was supposed to go.” Moses faced a lot of complaints, criticism, and just plain whining. Some days as a leader, I can sympathize with Moses. I bet if he had it to do all over again, he would have made a note to self: next time don’t tell Pharaoh to let all my people go.
How Do You Handle Criticism?
I love the story of the salesman who was getting a haircut and mentioned that he was about to take a trip to Rome. Italy.
“Rome is a terribly overrated city,” Commented his barber, who was born in northern Italy. “What airline are you taking?”
The salesman told him the name of the airline and the barber responded, “What a terrible airline! Their seats are cramped, their food is bad, and their planes are always late. What hotel are you staying at?”
The salesman named the hotel, and the barber exclaimed, “Why would you stay there? That hotel is in the wrong part of town and has horrible service. You’d be better off staying home!”
“But I expect to close a big deal while I’m there,” the salesman replied. “And afterward I hope to see the pope.”
“You’ll be disappointed trying to do business in Italy,” said the barber. “And don’t count on seeing the pope. He only grants audiences to very important people.”
Three weeks later the salesman returned to the barber shop. “And how was your trip?” asked the barber.
“Wonderful!” replied the salesman. “The flight was perfect, the service at the hotel was excellent, and I made a big sale. And”—the salesman paused for effect—“I got to meet the pope!”
“You got to meet the pope?” Finally, the barber was impressed. “Tell me what happened!”
“Well, when I approached him. I bent damn and kissed his ring.”
“No kidding! And what did he say?”
“He looked down at my head and said, ‘My son, where did you ever get such a lousy haircut?”
Not everyone handles criticism the same way. Some try to ignore it. Some try to defend themselves against it. Others, like the salesman, use a witty remark to put a critic in his place. But no matter what, if you are a leader, you will have to deal with criticism.
How to Hold Up Under Criticism
Since all leaders nave to deal with negativity and criticism, regardless of position or profession, it’s important for them to learn to handle it constructively. Greek philosopher Aristotle said, “Criticism is something you can avoid easily—by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” However, that isn’t an option for anyone who wants to be successful as a leader. So what do you do? The following four-step process has helped me to deal with criticism, so I pass it on to you.
1. Know Yourself—This Is a Reality Issue
As a young leader I soon learned that having an upfront position was certain to draw criticism, no matter who the leader was or what he did. Highly visible leaders often have to function in difficult environments— such as the office in which the following aid to have been displayed:
Notice:
This department requires no physical fitness program: everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, running down the boss, knifing friends in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck.
Anonymous
So if you are automatically going to be criticized if you are a leader, what should you do? First, have a realistic view of yourself. That will lay a solid foundation for you to handle criticism successfully. Here’s why: Many times, when a leader is being criticized, it’s really the leadership position that prompts the negative remarks, not the individual leader. You need to be able to separate the two, and vow can do that only when you know yourself. If a criticism is directed at the position, don’t take it personally. Let it roll off of you. Knowing yourself well may take some time and effort. As founding father Benjamin Franklin observed, “There are three things extremely hard: steel, a diamond, and to know one’s self? However, the effort is worth the reward.
I have to admit that the majority of criticism that I have received over the years was directed more at me than at the position I held. Often people have tried to help me know myself, and the conversation usually began with the phrase “I’m going to tell you something for your own good? I discovered that when they tell me something for my own good, they never seem to have anything good to tell me! However, I have also realized that what I need to bear most is what I want to hear least. From those conversations I have learned much about myself including the following:
• I am impatient.
• I am unrealistic about the time tasks take and how difficult most processes are.
• I don’t like to give a lot of time or effort to people’s emotional concerns.
• I overestimate the ability of others.
• I assume too much.
• I want to delegate responsibility too quickly.
• I want options—so many that I drive everyone crazy.
• I don’t care for rules or restrictions.
• I determine my priorities quickly and expect others to have similar attitudes.
• I process issues quickly and want to move on—even when other people aren’t ready to.
Obviously, the things I have found out about myself are not flattering. Yet those weaknesses are reality. So the question is, what am I to do about it?
2. Change Yourself—This Is a Responsibility Issue
When someone’s criticism about me is accurate, then I have a responsibility to do something about it. That is part of being a good leader If I respond correctly to my critics by examining myself and admitting my shortcomings, then I set myself up to begin making positive changes in my life.
Author Aldous Huxley remarked, “You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you mad.” My first natural reaction to criticism often isn’t good—it sometimes hurt, but more often anger. But after my anger has subsided, I try to determine whether the criticism is constructive or destructive. Some say constructive criticism is when I criticize you, but destructive criticism is when you criticize me!) Here are the questions I ask to determine what kind of criticism it is:
• Who criticized me? Adverse criticism from a wise person is more to be desired than the enthusiastic approval of a fool. The source often matters.
• How was the criticism given? I try to discern whether the person was being judgmental or whether he gave me the benefit of the doubt and spoke with kindness.
• Why was it given? Was it given out of a personal hurt or for my benefit? Hurting people hurt people; they lash out or criticize to try to make themselves feel better, not to help the other person.
Whether the criticism is legitimate or not, what determines whether I grow from or groan under unwanted words is my attitude. My friend, management expert Ken Blanchard, is right when he says, “Some leaders are like seagulls. When something goes wrong, they fly in, make a lot of noise, and crap all over everything.” People with that kind of attitude not only refuse to take responsibility for their contribution to the problem, but they also make conditions terrible for the people who work with them.
People can change for the better only when they are open to improvement. For that reason, when I am criticized I try to maintain the right attitude by
• not being defensive,
• looking for the grain of truth,
• making the necessary changes, and
• taking the high road.
If I do those things, there is a very good chance that I will learn things about myself, improve as a leader, and preserve the relationships I have with others.
3. Accept Yourself—This Is a Maturity Issue
Jonas Salk, developer of the salk polio vaccine, had many critics in spite of his incredible contribution to medicine. Of criticism, he observed, “First people will tell you that you are wrong. Then they will tell you that you are right, but what you’re doing really isn’t important. Finally, they will admit that you are right and that what you are doing is very important; but after all, they knew it all the time.” How do leaders who are out front handle this kind of tickle response from others? They learn to accept themselves. If you have endeavored to know yourself, and have worked hard to change yourself, then what more can you do?
Professor and author Leo Buscaglia counseled, “The easiest thing to be in the world is you. The most difficult thing to be is what other people want you to be. Don’t let them put you in that position.” To be the best person you can be—and the best leader—you need to be yourself. That doesn’t mean that you aren’t willing to grow and change. It just means that you work to become the best you that you can be. And as psychologist Carl Rogers remarked, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” Being who you really are is the first step in becoming better than you are.
Because I’ve already written about working within your strength zone, which you can do only if you know and accept who you are, I don’t need to say a lot more about it here, other than to emphasize that accepting yourself is a sign of maturity. If you worry about what other people think of you, it’s because you have more confidence in their opinion than you have in your own. Executive coach and consultant Judith Bardwick says, “Real confidence comes from knowing and accepting yourself—your strengths and limitations—in contrast to depending on affirmation from others.”
4. Forget Yourself—This Is a Security Issue
The first step in the process of effectively handling criticism is to stop focusing on yourself. When we were growing up, a lot of us spent a good deal of time worrying about what the world thought of us. Now I’m sixty, and I realize the world really wasn’t paying much attention.
Secure people forget about themselves so they can focus on others. By doing this they can face nearly any kind of criticism—and even serve the critic. For years when I was the pastor of
churches, I went out of my way to initiate personal contact with my critics every Sunday. I
sought them out and greeted them. I wanted them to know that I valued them as people, regardless of what their attitude was toward me. Being secure in who I am and focusing on others allows me to take the high road with people. I try to live out a sentiment expressed be Parkenham Batty, who advised, “By your own soul learn to live. And if men thwart you, take no heed. If men hate you, have no care Sing your song, dream your dream, hope your hope and pray your prayer.”
One day Perry Noble, a young leader whom I have the privilege of mentoring, shared with me about the hurt he felt when others criticized him. I could identify with his feelings. When he asked for advice about how to respond to criticism, I explained that a secure leader never needs to defend himself.
Perry later said to me, “That day I realized I was spending way too much time defending myself to my critics and not getting done what I really needed to get done.” Once again, I could relate.
As leaders, we must always be serious about our responsibilities, but it isn’t healthy for us to take ourselves too seriously. A Chinese proverb says, “Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves. They shall never cease to be entertained.” I must say, for years I have entertained myself.
My friend Joyce Meyer observes, “God will help you be all you can be, but He will never let you be successful at becoming someone else.” We can’t do more than try to be all that we can be. If we do that as leaders, we will give others our best, and we will sometimes take hits from others. But that’s okay. That is the price for being out front.
Application Exercise
1. What are your deficiencies? Where do you fall short as a person and leader? If you can’t answer that question, then you don’t really know yourself. And if you don’t, how will you be able to accept what you cannot change or change what you must to be a better leader? Ask five trustworthy people who know you where you come up short. Then decide what you need to change and what you need to accept
2. How secure are you as a leader? Insecurity and defensiveness are two characteristics that I have seen present many leaders from reaching their potential. When others criticize you, is your first reaction to dismiss what’s said, defend yourself, or fight back? If so, your responses may hold you back as a leader. Practice quietness the next time you are criticized. Take in all that’s said, tell the person that you will think about the criticism, and then take some time to process it on your own.
3. How can you properly process criticism? Use the three questions from the chapter to determine whether some criticism can be helpful to you:
• Who criticized me?
• How was the criticism given?
• Why was it given?
As you ask these questions, start out by giving the critic the benefit of the doubt so that you can be as objective as possible. If the criticism is well founded, then consider how you can make changes to improve.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Defining Moments Define Your Leadership
One of the leaders I admire most is Winston Churchill, England’s prime minister who stood up against the Nazis during World War II. He was a leader’s leader! He once remarked, “In every age there comes a time when a leader must come forward to meet the needs of the hour. Therefore, there is no potential leader who does not have an opportunity to make a positive difference in society. Tragically, there are times when a leader does not rise to the hour.”
What determines whether a leader emerges to meet the challenge of the hour? More to the point, what will determine whether you will step forward to successfully meet the challenges you face? I believe the determining factor is how you handle certain critical moments in your life. These moments will define who you are as a person and as a leader.
How Will You Be Defined?
If you are familiar with my philosophy of leadership and my teaching on success, then you know that I’m a big believer in personal growth. I don’t believe in overnight successes. In fact, one of my core principles is the Law of Process in my book The 21 Irrefutable Law of Leadership. It states, “Leadership develops daily, not in a day However, I also believe that the choices we make in critical moments help to form us and to inform others about who we are. They are defining moments, and here’s why I think they are important:
1. Defining Moments Show Us Who We Really Are
Most days in our lives come and go; they are much like all the others and don’t stand out. But there are a few days that are unlike all the others. They do stand out because they give us an opportunity to stand up, be set apart from the rest of the crowd, and seize that moment—or to remain sitting with the rest of the crowd and let it pass. These moments—for better or worse—define us. They show us what we are really made of.
We often focus on the milestones of life, the important events that mark seasons and accomplishments. We happily anticipate a graduation, wedding, or promotion. But some of our defining moments come as a total surprise, often appearing during times of crisis:
• Facing a personal failure
• Taking a stand on an issue
• Experiencing suffering
• Being asked to forgive
• Making an unpleasant choice
Sometimes we can sense the importance of our actions in the moment. We can see two clear paths ahead of us, one leading up, the other down. Other times, sadly, our defining moments occur and we don’t see them for what they are. Only afterward, when time has passed and we look back, do we understand their importance. Either way, they define who we are.
2. Defining Moments Declare to Others Who We Are
Most days we can wear masks and hide who we are from the people around us. During defining moments, we can’t do that. Our résumés mean nothing. It doesn’t matter how we have marketed ourselves. Our image means nothing. Defining moments put the spotlight on us. We have no time to put a spin on our actions. Whatever is truly inside us is revealed to everyone. Our character isn’t made during these times—it is displayed!
For leaders, defining moments tell the people following them many of the thing they really want to know: who their leaders are, what they stand for, and why they are leading. Handled well a defining moment can cement a relationship and bond leaders and followers for life. Handled poorly, a defining moment can cost a leader his credibility and end his ability to lead.
In the revised tenth anniversary edition of The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership, I wrote about two defining moments in the leadership of President George W Bush. His first term in office was defined by his response to the September 11 terrorist attacks. He connected with the hearts of the American people, and even people who hadn’t voted for him were willing to give his leadership a chance. However, his second term of office was defined by his poor response to Katrina. It took only a few days for the people of the United States to feel the leadership vacuum—and even for many of the president’s supporters to disapprove of his leadership.
My intention is not to be critical. All of us have experienced failure. My point is that the defining moments of leaders can have a dramatic effect on others. When leaders respond correctly, everyone wins. When they respond incorrectly, everyone loses.
3. Defining Moments Determine Who We Will Become
You will never be the same person after a defining moment. Somehow you will be moved. It may be forward, or it may be backward, but make no mistake—you will be moved. Why is that? Because defining moments are not normal, and what’s “normal” doesn’t work in those times.
I think of defining moments as intersections in our lives. They give us an opportunity to turn, change direction, and seek a new destination. They present options and opportunities. In these moments, we must choose. And the choice we make will define us! What will we do? Our response puts us on a new path, and that new path will define who we will become in the future. After a defining moment, we will never be the same person again.
Moments That Defined Me
The defining moments of my life have determined who I have become. Take away even one of them—good or bad—and I would not be the same person. And the defining moments that lie before me will continue to shape me.
As I look back at the many defining moments in my life and reflect on them, I can see that all of them fall into four categories:
Some Defining Moments Were Ground Breakers
Many of the defining moments of my life allowed me to start Something new. More than twenty years ago, I was teaching leadership to a small group of people in Jackson, Mississippi. At the close of the seminar, one of the participants asked if it was possible to receive ongoing leadership training from me. I wasn’t sure how that could be done. However, as we talked, I could sense that many of the other attendees desired the same thing.
In that moment, I made a quick decision. I told them that if they would be willing to pay a modest fee, I would promise to write and record a new one-hour leadership lesson every month and send it to them. I had never done anything like that before, and I wasn’t even sure how to do it, but I passed a sheet of paper around the room, and to my surprise, nearly every person signed up. At the end of that day, I didn’t recognize that I had experienced a defining moment, but I had. My promise to them turned unto what I called a tape club—a leadership lesson subscription service on tape (and eventually CD) that rose to more than twenty thousand subscribers and continues even today.
Now more than two decades later, I can say with great assurance that my response in that moment was one of the most important leadership decisions I ever made. At the time, it looked like a lot of work. And it has been. But those monthly lessons allowed me to be a leadership mentor to thousands of leaders across the country and eventually around the world. Those lessons have provided material for many of the books I have written. And those lessons became the catalyst for me to start a resource company to facilitate the growth of leaders. Without that decision, the entire course of my life would have been different.
Some Defining Moments Were Heart Breakers
Not all defining moments are positive. I have experienced some very difficult moments, but sometimes those experiences have given me the opportunity to stop and make needed changes in my life. One such instance occurred on December 18,1998. As our company Christmas party came to an end, I suddenly felt a debilitating pain and weight on my chest. It was a heart attack. As I lay on the floor waiting for an ambulance, reality hit me. My priorities were out of whack, and I wasn’t nearly as healthy as I thought!
Over the next few weeks, I spent a lot of time reflecting on my health. I was working too hard. I wasn’t taking enough time off with my family. I wasn’t exercising regularly. And I wasn’t eating the right food. The bottom line: my life was out of balance.
During this season, I learned a lesson that is best described by the words of Brian Dyson, former vice chairman and COO of Coca-Cola, who delivered the commencement address at Georgia Tech in 1996. In it, he explained this:
Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them—work, family, health, friends and spirit and you’re keeping all of these in the air. You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls—family, health, friends and spirit are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for balance in your life.
I was very fortunate. When I dropped the health ball, it got scuffed but it didn’t shatter. Since receiving a second chance, I have redefined my priorities. I spend more time with my family. I exercise regularly. I try to eat right. I don’t do these things perfectly, but I’m striving to live a more balanced life. I don’t know what kinds of “balls” you may be juggling, but I recommend that you not wait until one of the important ones falls before examining your life. You can make changes without having to experience a heart breaker.
Some Defining Moments Were Cloud Breakers
Occasionally a defining moment comes as the result of seeing a new opportunity and taking action to seize it. That was the case for me several years ago. During the twenty-five years I worked as a pastor, I spent seventeen of them buying land, constructing buildings, and raising funds to pay for it.
One day a pastor and a key businessperson flew over to San Diego from Phoenix to have lunch with me. They were in a building program and said they came because I had a lot of experience raising the finances to make a vision a reality—something that isn’t taught in seminary. At the close of our lunch, they asked me if I would help them raise the money for their building program. “If you can do this for your congregation,” one of them said, “you can certainly help us.”
At that moment, it was very clear to me. I could help them. And I should. Before they left, we shook hands and I agreed to help them. I went out to my car in the parking lot, called a friend and said. “Next week we will begun helping churches raise money to realize their dreams? That was the birth of my company INJOY Stewardship Services.
Some Defining Moments Were Chart Breakers
The finest defining moments allow a person to soar to a much higher level. That was the case a few years ago at EQUIP a nonprofit organization that my brother, Larry; and I founded in 1996 to train and resource leaders internationally. The first few years EQUIP was in existence were typical of a fledgling organization. We were trying to establish ourselves, engage donors to help us, and develop a team to lead this venture. Those years were filled with trial and error, adjustments and changes as we worked to establish credibility as a leadership organization.
As time went by, I could sense that EQUIP needed a vision that would capture the heart and hands those who believed in our mission. I discovered that vision and then presented it one evening at a banquet with hundreds of supporters of EQUIP. I painted a picture in which EQUIP would train and resource one million leaders around the world in five years, and I challenged them to help fulfill it. The vision connected with the people, and EQUIP soared to a new level. That night was defining moment for hundreds of people that over five years became a life-changing experience for a million people.
Defining Your Moments
Leaders become better leaders when they experience a defining moment and respond to it correctly. Anytime they experience a breakthrough. it allows the people who follow them to also benefit The difficulty with defining moments is that you don’t get to choose them. You can’t sit down with your calendar and say, “I’m going to schedule a defining moment for next Tuesday at eight o’clock.” You cannot control when they will come. However, you can choose how you will handle them when they come, and you can take steps to prepare for them. Here’s how:
1. Reflect on Defining Moments from the Past
It’s said that those who do not study history are destined to repeat its mistakes. That statement applies not only in a broad sense to a nation or culture but also to individuals and their personal histories. The best teacher for a leader is evaluated experience. To predict how you will handle defining moments in the future, look at the ones from your past.
2. Prepare for Defining Moments in the Future
One of the most valuable things I’ve done in my life is to make major choices before times of crisis or decision. That has enabled me to simply manage those decisions in critical moments of my life. A few of these decisions I made as a teenager, many in my twenties and thirties, and a few later in life. I wrote about these decisions in depth in my book Today Matters, but I’ll give them to you here so that you can get the gist:
Attitude: I will choose and display the right attitudes daily.
Priorities: I will determine and act upon important priorities daily
Health: I will know and follow healthy guidelines daily.
Family: I will communicate with and care for my family daily.
Thinking: I will practice and develop good thinking daily.
Commitment: I will make and keep proper commitments daily.
Finances: I will earn and properly manage finances daily.
Faith: I will deepen and live out my faith daily.
Relationships: I will initiate and invest in solid relationships daily.
Generosity: I will plan for and model generosity daily.
Values: I will embrace and practice good values daily.
Growth: I will desire arid experience improvements daily.
I don’t have to wrestle with these issues during a defining moment. They are already settled, and I am free to focus on the situation at hand and make decisions based on them.
3. Make the Most of Defining Moments in the Present
Now that you will be looking for defining moments, you will be in a better position to make the most of them. Remember that after we experience one, we are never the same again. But the kind of change we experience will depend on how we respond to those moments. Many of them present us with opportunities. With opportunities come risks, but don’t be afraid to take them. It is in moments of risk that the greatest leaders are often born.
I think there is a temptation to believe that all defining moments are highly dramatic and usually occur early in the life of leaders. I don’t think that’s true. You don’t need a lot of major breakthroughs to achieve dramatic results. Just one can make a huge difference. As Albert Einstein used to say, he only came up with the theory of relativity once, but it kept him in pipe tobacco for years.
I believe that if I keep growing, keep seeking opportunities, and keep taking risks, I will continue to experience defining moments. If I keep making good choices and always try to do things that benefit my people in those moments, my leadership will continue to be redefined, to grow, and to improve. When that happens, everybody wins.
Defining Moment Define Your Leadership
Application Exercises
I. What is your track record? Look back on your life and the decisions you’ve made at critical moments. What kinds of defining moments have you experienced in the past? Write down as many as you can remember. For each, note:
• The situation
• Your decision or response
• The result
Have your responses been generally good or bad? Is there a common denominator for the poor choices? If you have the courage, ask those closest to you their opinion about your mistakes. If you see a pattern, what is it and how can you address it so that you don’t make similar poor choices in the future?
2. How are you managing your decisions? Using the following list as an example, create a list of choices you will make based on your values and priorities.
Attitude: I will choose and display the right attitudes daily
Priorities: I will determine and act upon important priorities daily.
Health: I will know and follow healthy guidelines daily.
Family: I will communicate with and care for my family daily.
Thinking: I will practice and develop good thinking daily.
Commitment: I will make and keep proper commitments daily.
Finances: I will earn and properly manage finances daily.
Faith: I will deepen and live out my faith daily.
Relationships: I will initiate and invest in solid relationships daily.
Generosity: I will plan for and model generosity daily.
Values: I will embrace and practice good values daily.
Growth: I will desire and experience improvements daily.
Post your list where you will see it every morning. Review the list daily for a month and manage your moment-to-moment decisions based on your choices.
3. How prepared are you for future defining moments? As you face each day, try to be alert to the kinds of defining moments leaders typically face:
• Ground Breakers—opportunities to do something new
• Heart Breakers—opportunities to reevaluate priorities
• Cloud Breakers—opportunities for a clear vision
• Chart Breakers—opportunities to go to a new level
Think about how you will make the most of these opportunities.
What determines whether a leader emerges to meet the challenge of the hour? More to the point, what will determine whether you will step forward to successfully meet the challenges you face? I believe the determining factor is how you handle certain critical moments in your life. These moments will define who you are as a person and as a leader.
How Will You Be Defined?
If you are familiar with my philosophy of leadership and my teaching on success, then you know that I’m a big believer in personal growth. I don’t believe in overnight successes. In fact, one of my core principles is the Law of Process in my book The 21 Irrefutable Law of Leadership. It states, “Leadership develops daily, not in a day However, I also believe that the choices we make in critical moments help to form us and to inform others about who we are. They are defining moments, and here’s why I think they are important:
1. Defining Moments Show Us Who We Really Are
Most days in our lives come and go; they are much like all the others and don’t stand out. But there are a few days that are unlike all the others. They do stand out because they give us an opportunity to stand up, be set apart from the rest of the crowd, and seize that moment—or to remain sitting with the rest of the crowd and let it pass. These moments—for better or worse—define us. They show us what we are really made of.
We often focus on the milestones of life, the important events that mark seasons and accomplishments. We happily anticipate a graduation, wedding, or promotion. But some of our defining moments come as a total surprise, often appearing during times of crisis:
• Facing a personal failure
• Taking a stand on an issue
• Experiencing suffering
• Being asked to forgive
• Making an unpleasant choice
Sometimes we can sense the importance of our actions in the moment. We can see two clear paths ahead of us, one leading up, the other down. Other times, sadly, our defining moments occur and we don’t see them for what they are. Only afterward, when time has passed and we look back, do we understand their importance. Either way, they define who we are.
2. Defining Moments Declare to Others Who We Are
Most days we can wear masks and hide who we are from the people around us. During defining moments, we can’t do that. Our résumés mean nothing. It doesn’t matter how we have marketed ourselves. Our image means nothing. Defining moments put the spotlight on us. We have no time to put a spin on our actions. Whatever is truly inside us is revealed to everyone. Our character isn’t made during these times—it is displayed!
For leaders, defining moments tell the people following them many of the thing they really want to know: who their leaders are, what they stand for, and why they are leading. Handled well a defining moment can cement a relationship and bond leaders and followers for life. Handled poorly, a defining moment can cost a leader his credibility and end his ability to lead.
In the revised tenth anniversary edition of The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership, I wrote about two defining moments in the leadership of President George W Bush. His first term in office was defined by his response to the September 11 terrorist attacks. He connected with the hearts of the American people, and even people who hadn’t voted for him were willing to give his leadership a chance. However, his second term of office was defined by his poor response to Katrina. It took only a few days for the people of the United States to feel the leadership vacuum—and even for many of the president’s supporters to disapprove of his leadership.
My intention is not to be critical. All of us have experienced failure. My point is that the defining moments of leaders can have a dramatic effect on others. When leaders respond correctly, everyone wins. When they respond incorrectly, everyone loses.
3. Defining Moments Determine Who We Will Become
You will never be the same person after a defining moment. Somehow you will be moved. It may be forward, or it may be backward, but make no mistake—you will be moved. Why is that? Because defining moments are not normal, and what’s “normal” doesn’t work in those times.
I think of defining moments as intersections in our lives. They give us an opportunity to turn, change direction, and seek a new destination. They present options and opportunities. In these moments, we must choose. And the choice we make will define us! What will we do? Our response puts us on a new path, and that new path will define who we will become in the future. After a defining moment, we will never be the same person again.
Moments That Defined Me
The defining moments of my life have determined who I have become. Take away even one of them—good or bad—and I would not be the same person. And the defining moments that lie before me will continue to shape me.
As I look back at the many defining moments in my life and reflect on them, I can see that all of them fall into four categories:
Some Defining Moments Were Ground Breakers
Many of the defining moments of my life allowed me to start Something new. More than twenty years ago, I was teaching leadership to a small group of people in Jackson, Mississippi. At the close of the seminar, one of the participants asked if it was possible to receive ongoing leadership training from me. I wasn’t sure how that could be done. However, as we talked, I could sense that many of the other attendees desired the same thing.
In that moment, I made a quick decision. I told them that if they would be willing to pay a modest fee, I would promise to write and record a new one-hour leadership lesson every month and send it to them. I had never done anything like that before, and I wasn’t even sure how to do it, but I passed a sheet of paper around the room, and to my surprise, nearly every person signed up. At the end of that day, I didn’t recognize that I had experienced a defining moment, but I had. My promise to them turned unto what I called a tape club—a leadership lesson subscription service on tape (and eventually CD) that rose to more than twenty thousand subscribers and continues even today.
Now more than two decades later, I can say with great assurance that my response in that moment was one of the most important leadership decisions I ever made. At the time, it looked like a lot of work. And it has been. But those monthly lessons allowed me to be a leadership mentor to thousands of leaders across the country and eventually around the world. Those lessons have provided material for many of the books I have written. And those lessons became the catalyst for me to start a resource company to facilitate the growth of leaders. Without that decision, the entire course of my life would have been different.
Some Defining Moments Were Heart Breakers
Not all defining moments are positive. I have experienced some very difficult moments, but sometimes those experiences have given me the opportunity to stop and make needed changes in my life. One such instance occurred on December 18,1998. As our company Christmas party came to an end, I suddenly felt a debilitating pain and weight on my chest. It was a heart attack. As I lay on the floor waiting for an ambulance, reality hit me. My priorities were out of whack, and I wasn’t nearly as healthy as I thought!
Over the next few weeks, I spent a lot of time reflecting on my health. I was working too hard. I wasn’t taking enough time off with my family. I wasn’t exercising regularly. And I wasn’t eating the right food. The bottom line: my life was out of balance.
During this season, I learned a lesson that is best described by the words of Brian Dyson, former vice chairman and COO of Coca-Cola, who delivered the commencement address at Georgia Tech in 1996. In it, he explained this:
Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them—work, family, health, friends and spirit and you’re keeping all of these in the air. You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls—family, health, friends and spirit are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for balance in your life.
I was very fortunate. When I dropped the health ball, it got scuffed but it didn’t shatter. Since receiving a second chance, I have redefined my priorities. I spend more time with my family. I exercise regularly. I try to eat right. I don’t do these things perfectly, but I’m striving to live a more balanced life. I don’t know what kinds of “balls” you may be juggling, but I recommend that you not wait until one of the important ones falls before examining your life. You can make changes without having to experience a heart breaker.
Some Defining Moments Were Cloud Breakers
Occasionally a defining moment comes as the result of seeing a new opportunity and taking action to seize it. That was the case for me several years ago. During the twenty-five years I worked as a pastor, I spent seventeen of them buying land, constructing buildings, and raising funds to pay for it.
One day a pastor and a key businessperson flew over to San Diego from Phoenix to have lunch with me. They were in a building program and said they came because I had a lot of experience raising the finances to make a vision a reality—something that isn’t taught in seminary. At the close of our lunch, they asked me if I would help them raise the money for their building program. “If you can do this for your congregation,” one of them said, “you can certainly help us.”
At that moment, it was very clear to me. I could help them. And I should. Before they left, we shook hands and I agreed to help them. I went out to my car in the parking lot, called a friend and said. “Next week we will begun helping churches raise money to realize their dreams? That was the birth of my company INJOY Stewardship Services.
Some Defining Moments Were Chart Breakers
The finest defining moments allow a person to soar to a much higher level. That was the case a few years ago at EQUIP a nonprofit organization that my brother, Larry; and I founded in 1996 to train and resource leaders internationally. The first few years EQUIP was in existence were typical of a fledgling organization. We were trying to establish ourselves, engage donors to help us, and develop a team to lead this venture. Those years were filled with trial and error, adjustments and changes as we worked to establish credibility as a leadership organization.
As time went by, I could sense that EQUIP needed a vision that would capture the heart and hands those who believed in our mission. I discovered that vision and then presented it one evening at a banquet with hundreds of supporters of EQUIP. I painted a picture in which EQUIP would train and resource one million leaders around the world in five years, and I challenged them to help fulfill it. The vision connected with the people, and EQUIP soared to a new level. That night was defining moment for hundreds of people that over five years became a life-changing experience for a million people.
Defining Your Moments
Leaders become better leaders when they experience a defining moment and respond to it correctly. Anytime they experience a breakthrough. it allows the people who follow them to also benefit The difficulty with defining moments is that you don’t get to choose them. You can’t sit down with your calendar and say, “I’m going to schedule a defining moment for next Tuesday at eight o’clock.” You cannot control when they will come. However, you can choose how you will handle them when they come, and you can take steps to prepare for them. Here’s how:
1. Reflect on Defining Moments from the Past
It’s said that those who do not study history are destined to repeat its mistakes. That statement applies not only in a broad sense to a nation or culture but also to individuals and their personal histories. The best teacher for a leader is evaluated experience. To predict how you will handle defining moments in the future, look at the ones from your past.
2. Prepare for Defining Moments in the Future
One of the most valuable things I’ve done in my life is to make major choices before times of crisis or decision. That has enabled me to simply manage those decisions in critical moments of my life. A few of these decisions I made as a teenager, many in my twenties and thirties, and a few later in life. I wrote about these decisions in depth in my book Today Matters, but I’ll give them to you here so that you can get the gist:
Attitude: I will choose and display the right attitudes daily.
Priorities: I will determine and act upon important priorities daily
Health: I will know and follow healthy guidelines daily.
Family: I will communicate with and care for my family daily.
Thinking: I will practice and develop good thinking daily.
Commitment: I will make and keep proper commitments daily.
Finances: I will earn and properly manage finances daily.
Faith: I will deepen and live out my faith daily.
Relationships: I will initiate and invest in solid relationships daily.
Generosity: I will plan for and model generosity daily.
Values: I will embrace and practice good values daily.
Growth: I will desire arid experience improvements daily.
I don’t have to wrestle with these issues during a defining moment. They are already settled, and I am free to focus on the situation at hand and make decisions based on them.
3. Make the Most of Defining Moments in the Present
Now that you will be looking for defining moments, you will be in a better position to make the most of them. Remember that after we experience one, we are never the same again. But the kind of change we experience will depend on how we respond to those moments. Many of them present us with opportunities. With opportunities come risks, but don’t be afraid to take them. It is in moments of risk that the greatest leaders are often born.
I think there is a temptation to believe that all defining moments are highly dramatic and usually occur early in the life of leaders. I don’t think that’s true. You don’t need a lot of major breakthroughs to achieve dramatic results. Just one can make a huge difference. As Albert Einstein used to say, he only came up with the theory of relativity once, but it kept him in pipe tobacco for years.
I believe that if I keep growing, keep seeking opportunities, and keep taking risks, I will continue to experience defining moments. If I keep making good choices and always try to do things that benefit my people in those moments, my leadership will continue to be redefined, to grow, and to improve. When that happens, everybody wins.
Defining Moment Define Your Leadership
Application Exercises
I. What is your track record? Look back on your life and the decisions you’ve made at critical moments. What kinds of defining moments have you experienced in the past? Write down as many as you can remember. For each, note:
• The situation
• Your decision or response
• The result
Have your responses been generally good or bad? Is there a common denominator for the poor choices? If you have the courage, ask those closest to you their opinion about your mistakes. If you see a pattern, what is it and how can you address it so that you don’t make similar poor choices in the future?
2. How are you managing your decisions? Using the following list as an example, create a list of choices you will make based on your values and priorities.
Attitude: I will choose and display the right attitudes daily
Priorities: I will determine and act upon important priorities daily.
Health: I will know and follow healthy guidelines daily.
Family: I will communicate with and care for my family daily.
Thinking: I will practice and develop good thinking daily.
Commitment: I will make and keep proper commitments daily.
Finances: I will earn and properly manage finances daily.
Faith: I will deepen and live out my faith daily.
Relationships: I will initiate and invest in solid relationships daily.
Generosity: I will plan for and model generosity daily.
Values: I will embrace and practice good values daily.
Growth: I will desire and experience improvements daily.
Post your list where you will see it every morning. Review the list daily for a month and manage your moment-to-moment decisions based on your choices.
3. How prepared are you for future defining moments? As you face each day, try to be alert to the kinds of defining moments leaders typically face:
• Ground Breakers—opportunities to do something new
• Heart Breakers—opportunities to reevaluate priorities
• Cloud Breakers—opportunities for a clear vision
• Chart Breakers—opportunities to go to a new level
Think about how you will make the most of these opportunities.
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