Sebby's Christian Stories

Keep Learning to Keep Leading

2009-06-22T18:08:00.001+08:00

Kurt, a salesman I had just met, and I were having breakfast at the Holiday Inn in Lancaster, Ohio. He leaned forward and asked me a question that would change the way I lived and led.

“John, what is your plan for personal growth?”

I was stumped. I didn’t have a plan for personal growth. At the time, I didn’t know that I needed one!

Not wanting to look bad, I began telling Kurt all about my work schedule. For fifteen minutes I tried to convince him (and myself) that working hard was helping me to grow and reach my potential. Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to happen? You work hard, you climb the ladder, and someday you “make it”?

My futile attempt to impress Kurt was like a plane circling an airport, waiting for clearance to land. Round and round it went until I finally ran out of gas.

“You don’t have a personal plan for growth, do you?”

“No,” I finally admitted. “I guess I don’t.”

The next thing he said was life changing.

“You know, John, people don’t grow automatically,” Kurt explained. “To grow, you have to be intentional.”

That conversation took place in 1973, though it’s as clear to me as if it happened last week. It spurred me to action. I immediately adopted a plan for growth in my life. And every year, since then, I have recommitted myself to strategic, intentional growth.

For decades at conferences I’ve talked to people about the issue of personal growth. Sometimes I’ve been criticized for it. I remember a person coming up to me on one occasion and saving, I don’t like your plan for personal growth.”

“That’s okay,” I replied. “What’s your plan?”

“I don’t have one,” he said.

“Well, I like mine better!”

I suspect he believed that the only reason I talked about my growth plan was to sell books. What he didn’t know was that I started talking about having a personal growth plan long before I ever had a book or tape to sell. I know that people don’t reach their potential on accident. The secret to success can be found in people’s daily agendas. If they do something intentional to grow every day, they move closer to reaching their potential. If they don’t, their potential slowly slips away over the course of their lifetime.

If you want to be a good leader, you’ve got to be a good learner. I wrote my book Today Matters to try to help people with this idea. In the chapter “Defining Moments Define Your Leadership,” I shared the “Daily Dozen” that I use for personal growth. It might serve you well as a personal growth track to run on. If not, find another one. The main thing is, if you don’t have a plan for personal growth, then don’t expect to grow!

How Will You Grow?

As you seek to learn and grow as a leader, let me give you some advice about how to approach the process. After more than three decades of dedicated, continual effort to learn and grow, I offer the following suggestions:

1. Invest in Yourself First

Most leaders want to grow their business or organization. What is the one thing—more than any other—that will determine the growth of that organization? The growth of the people in the organization. And what determines the people’s growth of the leader! As long as people are following you, they will be able to go only as far as you go. If you’re not growing, they won’t be growing—either that or they will leave and go somewhere else where they can grow.

As a young leader, I spent what felt like a lot of money on books and conferences. My wife, Margaret, and I found this very difficult because we were on a very limited income. We often delayed other important expenditures so that we could invest in ourselves. Though it was difficult, those early investments have compounded, and over the years they have given me a great return by improving my leadership.

Investing in yourself first may look selfish to some of the people around you. They may even criticize you for it. But if they do, they don’t really’ understand how growth works. When airline flight attendants explaining emergency procedures tell passengers to put their own oxygen mask on first before putting masks on their children, is that instruction selfish? Of course not! The children’s safety and well-being is dependent upon their parent being able to help them. As a leader, you are responsible for your people. They are depending on you! If you’re in no shape to lead well, where does that leave them?

If you look around, you can see a pattern at work in every area of life. Employees get better after their supervisor does. Kids get better after their parents do. Students get better after their teachers do. Customers get better after the salespeople do. Likewise, followers get better after their leaders do. It is a universal principle. President Harry Truman said, “You cannot lead others until you first lead yourself.” That is possible only if you invest in yourself first.

2. Be a Continual Learner

When a leader reaches a desired position or level of training, there is a temptation to slack off. That is a dangerous place to be. Rick Warren, author of The Purpose Driven Life, says, “The moment you stop learning is the moments you stop leading.” If you want to lead, you have to learn. If you want to continue to lead, you must continue to learn. This will guarantee that you will be hungry for ever greater accomplishments. And it will help you to maintain credibility with your followers.

One of the most influential people in the golf world for many years was Harvey Penick. The author of the best-selling Harvey Penick’s Little Red Book: Lessons and Teachings from a Lifetime of Golf taught pro players such as Ben Crenshaw, Tom Kite, Kathy Wentworth, Sandra Palmer, and Mickey Wright how to improve their games. When Crenshaw won the Masters in 1995, he broke down and cried afterward because Penick, his lifelong mentor, had recently passed away.

You may be surprised to learn that Penick was largely self-taught. For decades he carried around a little red book in which he jotted down notes and observations to help him improve their game. He was a continual learner. And every time he got better, so did the people he taught. Ironically, Penick never intended to publish his notes. He simply planned to hand the book down to his son. But people convinced him to publish all the lessons he had learned over the years. As a result, people are still learning from him and benefiting from his wisdom.

In my book Winning with People, I write about the Learning Principle, which says, “Every Person We Meet Has Potential to Teach Us Something.” Maintaining an attitude of teachability is essential for being a continual learner. Contrary to popular belief, the greatest obstacle to discovery isn’t ignorance or lack of intelligence. It’s the illusion of knowledge. One of the great dangers of life is believing that you have arrived. If that happens to you, you’re done growing.

Successful people don’t see learning or achievement as a fixed destination to head for, and. having arrived, to settle into—completed and finished. Not once have I heard someone who Was a continual learner talk about looking forward to coming to the end of life’s challenges. They continue to exhibit an excitement, a curiosity, or a sense of wonder. One of their most engaging characteristics is their infectious desire to keep moving into the future, generating new challenges, and living with a sense that there is more to learn and accomplish. They understand that you can’t conquer the world by staying in a safe harbor.

What kind of attitude do you have when it comes to learning? I’ve observed that people fall into one of these categories. They live in one of three zones:

• The Challenge Zone: “I attempt to do what I haven’t done before.”

• The Comfort Zone: “I do what I already know I can do.”

• The Coasting Zone: “I don’t even do what I’ve done before.”

Everyone starts out in the challenge zone. As small babies, we have to learn to eat, talk. and walk. Then we go to school and keep learning. But there comes a time in every person’s life when they no longer have to keep trying new things. This is a pivotal time. For some people it occurs pretty early in life. For others, it comes after they achieve some degree of success. That’s when they decide which zone they will live in: the challenge zone, where they will continue to try new things, explore—and some times fail; the comfort zone, where they no longer take risks; or the coasting zone, where they don’t even try anymore. It’s a sad day when a person chooses to leave the challenge zone and stop growing. As Philips Brooks, the minister who spoke at Abraham Lincoln’s funeral, asserted, “Sad is the day for any man when he becomes absolutely satisfied with the life he is living, the thoughts that he is thinking and the deeds that he is doing; when there ceases to be forever beating at the doors of his soul a desire to do something larger which he seeks and knows he was meant and intended to do.”

There is no substitute for continual learning. Over the years I hate developed a highly disciplined growth regimen:

I read daily to grow in my personal life.

I listen daily to broaden my perspective.

I think daily to apply what I learn.

I file daily to preserve what I learn.

I try to embrace the advice of German philosopher Goethe, who said, “Never let a day pass without looking at some perfect work of art, hearing some great piece of music and reading, in part, some great book.”

Adopting this kind of regimen required me to change my mind-set. During the first few years I was in leadership, I wanted to be “Mr. Answer Man”—the expert others could come to for answers. After my conversation with Kurt in 1973, I wanted to become “Mr. Open Man”— someone with a teachable attitude who desired to grow every day. My desire is to keep growing and learning until the day I die, not only for my own benefit, but for the benefit of others. I can never afford to forget what President John E Kennedy said: “Leadership and learning are indispensable of each other.”

3. Create a Growth Environment for the People You Lead

Soon after I dedicated myself to being a granting person, I came to the realization that most working environments are not conducive to growth. Many of my friends did not want to keep growing. In their minds, they had paid their dues by attending and graduating from college. As far as they were concerned, they knew enough. They were done. In many ways, they were like the little girl who thought that she had exhausted mathematics when she had learned the twelve times table. When her grandfather said with a twinkle in his eye, “What’s thirteen times thirteen?” she scoffed, ‘Don’t be silly, Grandpa, there’s no such thing.”

The average person will try to pull down anyone around him who it working to rise above average. The road to success is uphill all the way, and most people are not willing to pay the price. Many people would rather deal with old problems than find new solutions. To be a lifelong learner, I had to get out of a stagnant environment and distance myself from people who had no desire to grow. I sought out places where growth was valued and people were growing. It helped me to change and grow—especially in the beginning of my journey.

If you are investing in yourself and have adopted the attitude of a continual learner, you may think you’ve done all you need to do in the area of personal growth. But as a leader, you have one more responsibility. You need to create a positive growth environment for the people you lead. If you don’t, the people in your organization who want to grow will find it difficult to do so, and they will eventually seek out other opportunities.

What cities a growth environment look like? I believe it has ten characteristics. It is a place where the following things occur:

• Other’s are ahead of you.

• You are continually challenged.

• Your focus is forward.

• The atmosphere is affirming.

• You are often out of your comfort zone.

• You wake up excited.

• Failure is not your enemy.

• Others are growing.

• People desire change.

• Growth is modeled and expected.

If you can create a growth environment, not only will the people in your organization grow and improve, but people with great potential will knock down your doors to become part of your team! It will transform your organization.

The People Difference

Walt Disney remarked, “I am a part of all that I have met” Whether you are trying to cross over into the ranks of continual learners or you are trying to build an organization that possesses a growth environment, the secret to success can be found in the people who surround you. People’s attitudes and actions rub off on one another.

My father loves to tell the story of the man who tried to enter his mule in the Kentucky Derby He was immediately rejected and rebuked.

“Your mule has no chance of winning a race against thoroughbreds.” the race organizers chided.

“I know,” the man replied, “but I thought the associations would do him some good.”

Being around people who are better than we are has a tendency to make us stretch and improve ourselves. That is not always comfortable, but it is always profitable. It’s said that whenever the great poet Emerson saw the great essayist Thoreau, they would ask each other: “What has become clearer to you since last we met?” Each wanted to know what the other was learning. Great people desire to bring out the greatness in others. Small people will try to put the same limits on you that they have put on themselves.

I have Kurt to thank for helping me understand the value of growth so early in my career. Within a year of my conversation with him, I could tell that I was learning, growing, and changing. It’s said that the Tartar tribes of Central Asia used to have a curse that they would use on their enemies. They didn’t tell them to get lost or to drop dead. Instead they would say, “May you stay in one place forever.” What a horrible thought! Can you imagine? I can’t.

Application Exercises

1. Do you have destination disease? If you think you have arrived (or can someday arrive) by achieving a certain position, acquiring a particular degree or credential, or earning a certain level of income, then you are in danger of finding yourself in either the comfort or coasting zone. What are you doing to guard against that? Make sure that your long-term personal goals are growth oriented instead of destination oriented.

2. What is your plan? Let me be the Kurt in your life by asking the question. “What is your plan for personal growth?” Working hard and putting in long hours does not ensure growth. Neither does promotion. What will you do this week, this month, and this year to actively grow. I would recommend that you read a minimum of one growth-oriented book a month and listen to a minimum of one growth-oriented CD or tape a month. In addition, schedule yourself for an annual conference or growth-oriented retreat.

3. Are you creating a growth environment? If you possess any kind of leadership position, you are responsible for creating a growth environment for the people who work for you. Use the guidelines from the chapter to start creating one. Remember, a growth environment is one in which

• Others are ahead of them (this means you are growing).

• They are continually challenged.

• The focus is forward (on the future, not past mistakes).

• The atmosphere is affirming.

• They are often out of their comfort zone (but not their strength zone).

• They wake up excited (they are excited about coming to work).

• Failure is not their enemy (they are allowed to take risks).

• Others are growing (you must place a high value on growth for everyone).

• People desire change.

• Growth is modeled and expected (by you and others).

To See How the Leader is Doing, Look at the People

2009-02-24T10:48:00.000+08:00

In the mid-1970s, I attended a conference where Lee Roberson was a speaker. He made a statement during a session that inspired me and changed my life. Roberson said, “Everything rises and falls on leadership.” By that he meant that leaders inevitably make things better or worse for people who follow them. Wherever you have a good leader, the team better, the organization gets better, the department or division gets better. And wherever you have a bad leader, everyone that leader impacts has tougher time. Leadership makes every endeavor either better or worse.

The moment I heard that statement. I understood intuitively that it was true. That statement soon became my theme. It has been a major inspiration and motivation for me for more than thirty years. It has been the foundation of the 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership, including the law of the lid, which states, Leadership ability determines a person’s level of effectiveness.” And it has influenced how I see everything that happens around me.

The Leader is Responsible

The more you understand leadership, the more you see how leaders impact things around them. A few years after 1 heard Roberson speak, along with millions of other Americans I watched Jimmy Carter and Ronald Reagan debate prior to the 1980 presidential election. Most people agreed that the debate turned on a question that Reagan asked the American people. He said,

Next Tuesday is Election Day. Next Tuesday all of you will go to the polls and stand there in the polling place and make a decision. I think when you make that decision it might be well if you would ask yourself, “Are you better off than you were four years ago? Is it easier for you to go buy things in the store than it was four years ago? Is there more or less unemployment in the country than there was four years ago?” If you answer all those questions yes, why, then I think your choice is very obvious as to who you’ll vote for. If you don’t agree, if you don’t think that this course that we’ve been on for the last four years is what you would like to see us follow for the next four, then I could suggest another choice that you have.

Why would that question—”Are you better off than you were four years ago?”—have such an impact? Because people understood that their current condition was the result of who their leader was. They didn’t like their condition, so they changed leaders. It’s what got Reagan elected. And it’s why I say that to see how the leader is doing, all you have to do is look at the people. As leadership expert Max Depree says, “The signs of outstanding leadership appear primarily among the followers.”

People often attribute the success of organizations and teams to many things: opportunities, the economy, personnel, teamwork, resources, timing, chemistry, luck. And while it’s true that any of those things can come into play, the one thing all good organizations have in common is good leadership.

Have you noticed that whenever you go to a new doctor, you have to fill out forms and answer a bunch of questions? Although they may seem trivial or irrelevant, the most important questions are those dealing with your family history. Why? Your physical health is greatly determined by your parents’ physical health. If one of your parents has heart disease, diabetes, or cancer, there is a high likelihood that you will someday have it too. Your health has been passed down to you.

Leadership works in a similar way. When leaders are healthy, the people they lead tend to be healthy. When leaders are unhealthy, so are their followers. People may teach what they know, but they reproduce what they are.

Recently I spoke at a conference with Larry Bossidy, the former CEO of Allied Signal arid author of Execution. He touched on this dynamic between leaders and followers, and spoke about the important role leaders have with their people. He said,

The development of new leaders is not only the key to profitability, it is also very satisfying in terms of feeling like you’ve left a legacy, not just an income statement. The question is often asked, How am I doing as a leader?” The answer is how the people you lead are doing. Do they learnt? Do they manage conflict? Do they initiate changes? You won’t remember when you retire what you did the first quarter of 1994. What you will remember, is how many people you developed.

The best leaders are highly intentional about developing their people. But good or bad, leaders always impact their people. And if you want to know whether a leader is successful and effective, don’t look at—or listen to—the leader. Simply look at the people.

Revealing Questions to Ask About Followers

Earl Weaver, the former manager of the Baltimore Orioles, was known for continually baiting and arguing with umpires. One of the standard questions he asked of umpires in the first few innings of a game was, “Is it going to get any better, or is this as good as it’s going to get?” That’s a question every leader should ask himself. Why? Because the performance of the leader will greatly impact the performance of the team.

If you want to know how you’re doing as a leader (or if you want to analyze the leadership of someone else in your organization), do it by asking the following four questions:

Question #1: Are the people following?

All leaders have two common characteristics: first, they are going somewhere; second, they are able to persuade other people to go with them. In a very practical sense, the second characteristic is what separates the real leaders from the pretenders. If someone with a leadership position has no followers, then that person has a position but isn’t really a leader. There is no such thing as a leader without followers!

It’s important to note that having followers doesn’t necessarily make individuals good leaders; it just makes them leaders. Pastor Stuart Briscoe tells the story of a young colleague who was officiating at the funeral of a war veteran. The dead man’s military friends wanted to have some role in the service at the funeral home, so they requested that the pastor lead them down to the casket, stand with them for a solemn moment of remembrance, and then lead them out through the side door.

The young pastor did exactly that. There was only one problem: he picked the wrong door. With military precision, he marched the men into a broom closet. The whole group then had to beat a hasty, confused retreat, in full view of the mourners.

When a leader knows where he is going and the people know that the leader knows where he is going, they begin to develop a healthy trust. This relationship of trust will grow as the leader demonstrates continuing competence. Every time a good leader makes the right moves with the right motives, the relationship strengthens and the team gets better.

Clarence Francis, who led the General Foods corporation in the 1930s and ‘40s, asserted, “You can buy a man’s time; you can buy his physical presence at a given place; you can even buy a measured number of his skilled muscular motions per hour. But you can not buy enthusiasm…you can not buy loyalty…you can not buy the devotion of hearts, minds or souls. You must earn these.”

As a leader, you should never expect the loyalty of others before you have built a relationship and earned trust. Demanding it up front seldom works. The loyalty of followers comes as a reward to the leader who earns it, not the one who yearns for it. The followership of the people is based not on position but on performance and motives. Successful leaders put the good of their people first. When they do this, they earn the respect of the people and their following grows. And when a leader performs first, the loyalty that follows often has no limits.

Question #2: Are the people changing?

The second question that must he asked about the people in order to know how the leader is doing has to do with whether the people are willing to make changes for the sake of progress. Progress does not occur without change. President Harry S. Truman commented, “Men make history and not the other way around. In periods where there is no leadership society stands still. Progress occurs when courageous, skillful leaders seize the opportunity to change things for the better.”

Leaders are able to seize opportunities only when their people are willing to change. Much of leadership is cultivating in people a willingness to follow a leader into the unknown based on the promise of something great. That cannot occur without change. Ironically, leaders don’t change people. Rather, they are agents of change. They help to create an environment that is conducive for people to make the decision to change.

How do they do this? First, they inspire others. All good leaders inspire their followers to have confidence in them. But great leaders inspire their followers to have confidence in themselves. This self-confidence lifts their morale and gives them the energy to make the kinds of changes that will take them forward and will better their lives.

The other thing effective leaders do to promote change is create an environment of expectation. Jimmy Johnson, who couched the University of Miami to a national championship and the Dallas Cowboys to two Super Bowl victories, explained the importance of creating the right environment:

My role as a head coach was to do three things: One, bring in people who are committed to being the very best; two, eliminate people who are not committed to being the very best; and three, the most important of my responsibilities, create an atmosphere where they could achieve their goals and the goals we set for our team. I wanted to put them in the right environment and delegate the responsibility so they could be the best they could be.

People will become their best only if they are changing. And they are unlikely to change unless an effective leader is present to help facilitate the process.

Question #3: Are the people growing?

Willingness to change on the part of the people can help an organization to improve, but for an organization to reach its highest potential, the people need to be willing to do more than just change. They need to keep growing.

Author Dale Galloway says, “The growth and development of people is the highest calling of a leader.” I couldn’t agree more. There is a lot of talk in the business community about finding and recruiting good people, and I acknowledge that it is important. But even if you find the best people you can, if you don’t develop them, your competitor who is developing its people will soon pass you by.

The responsibility of developing people falls on the leader. And that means more than
just helping people to acquire job skills. The best leaders help people with more than their jobs they help them with their lives. They help them to become better people, not just better workers. They enlarge them. And that has great power because growing people create growing organizations.

Walter Bruckart, former vice president of Circuit City, remarked that the top five factors of excellence in an organization are people, people, people, people, and people. I believe that is true, but only if you are helping those people to grow and reach their potential. And that’s not always easy for a leader. It can exact a high price. As a leader, my success in developing others will depend upon the following:

• My high valuation of people—this is an attitude issue.

• My high commitment to people—this is a time issue.

• My high integrity with people—this is a character issue.

• My high standard for people—this is a goal-setting issue.

• My high influence over people—this is a leadership issue.

Those core principles for people development are underlined by a leader’s belief in the people. If leaders don’t believe in their people, their people won’t believe in themselves. And if they don’t believe in themselves, they won’t grow. That may sound like a heavy weight of responsibility on a leader, but that’s just the way it is. If the people aren’t growing, it’s a reflection on the leader.

Question #4: Are the people succeeding?

Basketball coach Pat Riley, who has led two different teams to NBA championships, comments, “I think the ways a leader can measure whether or not he or she is doing a good job is (1) through wins or losses, (2) through the bottom line, (3) through the subjective and objective visual analysis of how individuals are improving and growing. If individuals are getting better results, I think the whole product is improving.” The bottom line in leadership is always results. Leaders may impress others when they succeed, but they impact others when their followers succeed. If a team, department, or organization isn’t being successful, the responsibility ultimately falls on the leader.

It’s been my experience that successful people who are not naturally gifted in leadership sometimes have a difficult time transitioning from achiever to leader. They are used to performing at a high level—doing tasks with excellence, reaching their goals, achieving financially—and they judge their progress by those things. When they become leaders, they often expect everyone else to do the same, to be self-motivated. And when the people they lead don’t perform as expected, they ask, “What’s wrong with them?”

Leaders think differently. They understand that they have a role in their followers’ achievement and that their personal success as leaders is measured by the performance of their people. If they look at the people and see that they aren’t following, changing, growing, and succeeding, they ask, “What’s wrong with me?” and “What can I do differently to help the team win?”

I love helping other people to succeed because I find it highly rewarding. Recently I received a note from Dale Bronner, a gifted leader that I mentor. In it he said,

John, you have added value to me by exposing me to things I have not experienced, equipping me with resources to expand my mind, teaching me principles which serve as guardrails for my life and providing me an avenue through which I can be accountable in a mentoring relationship. John, you have provided something for my head, my heart and my hands which all make me a more valuable person to serve others.

That’s the reason I lead and mentor others.

Leadership is meant to lift up others. Peter Drucker observes, “Leadership is the lifting of a man’s vision to higher sights, the raising of a man’s performance to a higher standard, the building of a man’s personality beyond its normal limitations.” In other words, what he was saying is, “To see how a leader is doing, look at the people.” That’s the way your people measure you. How do you measure yourself?

Application Exercises

1. Are your people following you? Let’s start at the beginning. The answers to any other leadership questions won’t matter if your answer to this one is no. When you lead, do your people follow? When you have an idea, do your people buy in? If you want your team to take risks or step up to a higher level of performance, do team members respond positively? If you’re not sure, try this: make a request (an appropriate one) that is outside of the authority of your leadership position. If your people won’t do it, then you aren’t really leading. You need to establish relationships with them and develop trust through an extended demonstration of character and competence. Get started.

2. How do you keep score? When you measure your success, do you think in terms of your personal effectiveness or your team’s? If you’re not sure, take a look at your annual goals, your weekly or monthly objectives, and your daily to-do list. What percentage is focused on individual achievements? What percentage is on corporate or team achievements? If your goals are primarily individual, then you have not made the shift from achiever to leader. Recast your goals and objectives on every level to reflect broader goals where your people will change, grow, and achieve success.

3. Do you believe in your people? You will not develop people if you do not believe in them. Take a look at the principles for people development and rate yourself for each item on a scale of 1 (low) to 10 (high):

• High valuation of people—this is an attitude issue.

• High commitment to people—this is a time issue.

• High integrity with people—this is a character issue.

• High standard for people—this is a goal-setting issue.

• High influence over people—this is a leadership issue.

For any principle a score lower than an 8, write out a plan to correct the issue (attitude, time, character, goals, or leadership).

Get In the Zone and Stay There

2009-02-02T00:22:00.000+08:00

Can you remember the first lesson you ever learned about leadership? I can. It came from my dad. He used to tell my brother, my sister, and me, “Find out what you do well and keep on doing it.” That wasn’t just casual advice. He and my mother made it their mission to help us discover our strengths and start developing them before we were old enough to leave home and go out on our own.

Dad also reinforced that advice by living it. One of his favorite sayings was “This one thing I do.” He had an uncanny ability to remain focused within his areas of strength. That, coupled with his determination to finish what he started, served him well throughout his career and beyond. He stays in his strength zone. It is one of the reasons he has always been the greatest inspiration for my life.

Searching For Strengths

When I started my career, I was committed to finding my strength zone and working to stay in it. However, I was frustrated for my first few years working. Like many inexperienced leaders. I tried to do many different things to discover what I really could do well. In addition, people’s expectations for what I would do and how I would lead did not always match my strengths. My responsibilities and obligations sometimes required that I perform tasks for which I possessed neither talent nor skill. I was often ineffective as a result. It took me several years to sort all this out, find my strength zone, and recruit and develop other people to compensate for my weaknesses.

If you are a voting leader and you are still uncertain about where your strengths lie, don’t get discouraged. Be patient and keep working it out. Here’s what I know: no matter if you’re just starting out or if you are at the peak of your career, the more you work in your strength zone, the more successful you will be.

Defining Personal Success

I’ve heard many definitions of success from many people over the years. In fact, I’ve embraced different definitions myself at different stages of my life. But in the last fifteen years, I have zeroed in on a definition that I think captures success no matter who people are or what they want to do.

I believe success is

Knowing your purpose in life,

Growing to your maximum potential, and

Sowing seeds that benefit others.

If you are to do those three things, you are successful. However, none of them is possible unless you find and stay in your strength zone.

I love the story of a group of neighborhood boys who built a tree house and formed their own club when the grown-ups were told who had been selected for which office, they were astonished to hear that a four- year- old had been elected president

“That boy must be a born leader,” one dad observed. “How did it happen that all you bigger boys voted for him?”

“Well, you see, Dad.” his son replied, “he can’t very well be secretary because he doesn’t know how to read or write. He couldn’t be treasurer, because he can’t count. He would never do for sergeant at arms because he’s too little to throw anybody out. If we didn’t choose him for anything, he’d feel bad. So we made him president.”

Real life, of course, doesn’t work that way. You don’t become an effective leader by default. You must be intentional. And you must work from your strengths.

Whenever I mentor people and help them discover their purpose, I always encourage them to start the process by discovering their strengths, not exploring their shortcomings. Why? Because people’s purpose in life is always connected to their giftedness. It always works that Way. You are not called to do some thing that you have no talent for. You will discover your purpose by finding and remaining in your strength zone.
Similarly, you cannot grow to your maximum potential if you continually work outside of your strength zone. Improvement is always related to ability. The greater your natural ability, the greater your potential for Improvement. I’ve known people who thought that reaching their potential would come from shoring up their weaknesses. But do you know what happens when you spend all your time working on your weaknesses and never developing your strengths? If you work really hard, you might claw your way all the way up to mediocrity! But you’ll never get beyond it. Nobody admires or rewards mediocrity.

The final piece of the puzzle—living a life that benefits others—always depends upon us giving our best, not our worst. You can’t change the world by giving only leftovers or by performing with mediocrity. Only your best will add value to others and lift them up.

Finding Your Own Strength Zone

British poet and lexicographer Samuel Johnson said, “Almost every man wastes part of his life in attempts to display qualities which he does not possess.” If you have an image in your mind of what talents people are supposed to have, yet your do not possess them, then you will have a difficult time finding your true strengths. You need to discover and develop who you are. Here are a few suggestions to help you:

1. Ask, “What Am I Doing Well?”

Develop who reach their potential spend less time asking, “What am I doing right?” and more time asking “What am I doing well?” The first is a moral question; the second is a talent question. You should always strive to do what’s right. But doing what’s right doesn’t tell you anything about your talent.

2. Get Specific

When we consider our strengths, we tend to think too broadly. Peter Drucker, the father of modern management, writes, “The great mystery isn’t that people do things badly but that they occasionally do a few things well. The only thing that is universal is incompetence. Strength is always specific! Nobody ever commented, for example, that the great violinist Jascha Heifetz probably couldn’t play the trumpet well.” The more specific you can get about your strengths, the better the chance you can find your “sweet spot.” Why be on the fringes of your strength zone when you have a chance to be right in the center?

3. Listen for What Others Praise

Many times we take our talents for granted. We think because we can do something well, anyone can. Often that’s not true. How can you tell when you’re overlooking a skill or talent? Listen to what others say. Your strengths will capture the attention of others and draw them to you. On the other hand, when you’re working in areas of weakness, few people will show interest. If others are continually praising you in a particular area, start developing it.

4. Check Out the Competition

You don’t want to spend all your time comparing yourself to others; that’s not healthy. But you don’t want to waste your time doing something that others do much better. Former GE CEO Jack Welch asserts, “If you don’t have a competitive advantage, don’t compete.” People don’t pay for average. If you don’t have the talent to do something better than the competition, place your focus elsewhere.

To get a better picture of where you stand in relationship to the competition, ask yourself the following questions:

• Are others doing what I am doing?

• Are they doing it well?

• Are they doing at better than I am?

• Can I become better than they are?

• If I do become better, what will be the result?

• If I don’t become better, what will be the result?

The answer to the last question is: you lose. Why? Because your competition is working in their strength zone and you aren’t!

Former all-star baseball catcher Jim Sundberg advised, “Discover your uniqueness, then discipline yourself to develop it.” That’s what I’ve tried to do. Many years ago I realized that one of my strengths was communicating. People have always been motivated when they hear me speak. After a while, many opportunities were given to me to speak at events with other motivational speaker. At first it was very intimidating because they were so good. But as I listened to them, the thing I kept asking myself was, “What can I do that will set me apart from them?” I felt it might not be possible for me to be better than they were, but it would be possible for me to be different. Over time I discovered and developed that difference. I would strive to be a motivational teacher, not just a motivation speaker. I wanted people not only to enjoy what I shared but to also be able to apply what I taught to their lives. For more than two decades, I have disciplined my life to develop that uniqueness. It’s my niche—my strength zone.

To Be a Successful Leader, Find and Develop the Strength Zones of Your People

Whenever you see people who are successful in their work, you can rest assured that they are working in their strength zone. But that’s not enough if you want to be successful as a leader. Good leaders help others find their strength zones and empower them to work in them. In fact, the best leaders are characterized by the ability to recognize the special abilities and limitations of others, and the capacity to fit their people into the jobs where they will do best.

Sadly, most people are not working in their areas of strength and therefore not reaching their potential. The Gallup organization conducted research on 1.7 million people in the workplace. According to their findings, only 20 percent of employees feel that their strengths are in play every day in the work setting. In my opinion, that is largely the fault of their leaders. They have failed to help their people find their strengths and place them in the organization where their strengths can be an asset to the company.

In her book Hesselbein on Leadership, Frances Hesselbein, the chairman of the board of governors of the Leader to Leader Institute founded by Peter F. Drucker, writes, “Peter Drucker reminds us that organizations exist to make people’s strengths effective and their weaknesses irrelevant. And this is the work of effective leaders. Drucker also tells us that there may be born leaders but there are far too few to depend on them.”

If you desire to be an effective leader, you must develop the ability to develop people in their areas of strength. How do you do that?

Study and know the people on your team.

What are your people’s strengths and weaknesses? Whom do they relate to on the team? Are they growing and do they have more growth potential in the area in which they’re working? Is their attitude an asset or a Liability? Do they love what they do and are they doing it well? These are questions that must be answered by the leader.

Communicate to individuals how they fit on the team.

What are the strengths that they bring to the table? Are there times their contribution will be especially valuable? How do they complement the other members of the team? What do they need from the other players that will complement their weaknesses? The more that people know how they fit on a team, the more they will desire to properly make the most of their fit and maximize their contribution.

Communicate to all team members how each player fits on the team.

It’s obvious that you can’t have a winning team without teamwork. However, not every leader takes steps to help team members work together. If you communicate to all the players how all the people fit together and what strengths they bring for their role, then teammates will value and respect one another.

Emphasize completing one another above competing with one another.

Healthy competition between teammates is good. It presses them to do their best. But in the end, team members need to work together for the sake of the team, not only for themselves.

To some leaders, the idea of focusing almost entirely on strengths seems counterintuitive. Several years ago I was spending a day with leaders of several companies, and one of the subjects I addressed was the importance of staying in your strength zone. I repeatedly encouraged them not to work with their areas of weakness related to ability. During the Q&A session, a CEO pushed back against the idea. The example he used was that of Tiger Woods.

“When Tiger plays a bad round of golf,” he observed, “he goes straight to the driving range and practices for hours. You see, John, he’s working on his weaknesses.”

“No” I replied. “he’s working on his strengths. Tiger is the greatest golfer in the world. He’s practicing golf shots. He’s not practicing accounting or music or basketball. He is working on a weakness within his strength zone. That will always produce positive results.”

Working on a weakness in your strength zone will always produce greater results than working on a strength in a weak area. I love golf, but if I practice golf shots, I will never greatly improve. Why? Because I’m an average golfer. Practice won’t make perfect—it will make permanent! If I want to make progress. I need to keep working on my leadership and communication. Those are my strength zones.

Where are yours? It you’re spending time in them, then you are making an investment into your success.

Application Exercises

1. Have you identified your strength zone? If you and I were able to sit down and talk, would you be able to tell me your strengths? How specific would you be able to be? The older and more experienced you are, the more specific you should be able to be. If you are not sure of your strengths, follow the suggestions in the chapter: think about what you are doing well, listen to what colleagues say about your talents, and analyze where you have an edge over your competition.

2. Is your job utilizing your strengths? List three things you do well in your job. Now ask yourself these three questions:

• Are you doing them more or less?

• Are you developing them more or less?

• Are you bringing others around who complement your strengths?

If you answer no to any of those questions, you need to become more intentional about getting into your strength zone.

3. Are you leading team members into their strength zones? If you are a leader, your team is depending on you to help them find and stay in their strength zones. What have you done with each person to facilitate this? If you can’t cite specific actions, then you need to immediately follow the suggestions in the chapter to help them.

The Best Leaders Are Listeners

2009-01-19T17:10:00.000+08:00

Steven Sample, in his book The Contrarian’s Guide to Leadership, writes, “The average person suffers from three delusions: (1) that he is a good driver, (2) that he has a good sense at humor, and (3) that he is a good listener.” I plead guilty on all three counts!

I will never forget the time a lady I worked with confronted me about my poor listening skills. She said, “John, when people talk to you, often seem distracted and look around the room. We’re not sure that you are listening to us!”

I was surprised because, like most people, I really did think I was a good listener. The first thing I did was apologize. I trusted the opinion of the person who had confronted me, and I knew it had taken courage for her to tell me. (I was her boss.) The second thing I did was start trying to change. For several years I made it a regular practice to put an “L” in the corner of my legal pad anytime I was in a meeting to remind myself to listen. Sometimes I would write “LL” to remind myself to look at them while I listened. It made a big difference in my leadership.

Steven Sample says, “Many leaders are terrible listeners; they actually think talking is more important than listening. But contrarian leaders know it is better to listen first and talk later. And when they listen, they do so artfully.”

The positive benefits of being a good listener are much more valuable than we often recognize. Recently I read a humorous story that Jim Lange included in his book Bleedership.

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He frantically tells the operator. “Bubba is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice says, “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is silence, and then a shot is heard.

The guy’s voice comes back on the line and says, “Okay, now what?”

As this story about rednecks illustrates—we can hear what is said without really listening to what is being communicated. The hunter above heard what the operator told him and technically did make sure that his hunting companion was dead. But had he really been listening. I don’t think he would have shot his partner.

The story may seem silly, but it contains an important truth. When we hear without really listening, our leadership is bound to suffer—and so will our followers.

I once read about a study that stated that we hear half of what is being said, listen to half of what we hear, understand half of it, believe half of that, and remember only half of that. If you translate those assumptions into an eight-hour work day, here is what it would mean:

• You spend half your day—about four hours—in listening activities.

• You hear about two hours’ worth of what is said.

• You actually listen to an hour of it.

• You understand only thirty minutes of that hour.

• You believe only fifteen minutes’ worth.

• And you remember less than eight minutes of all that is said.

That’s a pretty poor track record. And it shows that we all need to work much harder at actively listening!

Why Listeners Are More Effective Leaders

Because of my desire to be a more effective listener, I have actively observed leaders for years and paid close attention to how the effective ones listen to others. And I have come to come conclusions about the impact of good listening related to leadership.

1. Understanding People Precedes Leading Then. Leadership finds its source in understanding. To be worthy of the responsibility of leadership, a person must have insight into the human heart. Sensitivity toward the hopes and dreams of people on your team is essential for connecting with than and motivating them. In my book The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership, I write about the Law of Connection, which states, “Leaders touch a heart before they ask for a hand.” You cannot connect with someone if you don’t try to listen to and understand them. Not only is it not fair to ask for the help of someone with whom you haven’t connected, it is also ineffective. If you want to be more effective connecting with people, make it your goal to understand them.

2. Listening Is the Best Way to Learn

It is no accident that we have one mouth and two ears. When we fail to listen, we shut off much of our learning potential. You’ve probably heard the phrase “seeing is believing.” Well, so is listening. Talk show host Larry King said, “I remind myself every morning nothing I say this day will teach me anything. So, if I’m going to learn. I must do it by listening.”

In 1997 we moved to Atlanta, Georgia. Immediately I realized the influence of the African American community upon that city. I wanted to connect with people in that community and learn about their journey. I asked my friend Sam Chand to set up four lunches with some top African American leaders. For me, it was one of the greatest learning experiences of my life. Our time together was filled with our getting acquainted, my asking questions, and my listening to wonderful stories. I left each Lunch with new friends and great respect for the people I met and for their life experiences. Many individuals expressed their surprise to me that with my leadership experience, I did not try to teach them about leadership, but that I was the student and they were the teachers. If I had done that, I wouldn’t have learned anything. Today I am still listening to and learning from many of the leaders who became my friends at those lunches.

3. Listening Can Keep Problems from Escalating

A Cherokee proverb says, “Listen to the whispers and you won’t have to hear the screams.” Good leaders are attentive to small issues. They pay attention to their intuition. And they also pay close attention to what isn’t being said. That requires more than just good listening skills. It requires a good understanding of people, and it also means being secure enough to ask for honest communication from others and to not become defensive when receiving it. To be an effective leader, you need to let others tell you what you need to hear, not necessarily what you want to hear.

Gordon Bethune, former CEO of Continental Airlines, took this idea a step further when he advised, “Make sure you only hire people who will be willing to kick the door open if you lose direction and close it. You may be able to ignore somebody’s opinion if you don’t like it, but if the person has the data to back it up, your intellect should be able to overwhelm your vanity.”

A common fault that occurs in people as they gain more authority is impatience with those who work for them. Leaders like results. Unfortunately that action orientation sometimes causes them to stop listening. But a deaf ear is the first symptom of a closed mind, and having a closed mind is a surefire way to hurt your leadership.

The higher people go in leadership, the more authority they wield, and the less they are forced to listen to others. However, their need to listen becomes greater than ever! The farther leaders get from the front lines, the more they must depend on others for accurate information. If they haven’t formed the habit of listening – carefully and intelligently—they aren’t going to get the facts they need. And when a leader stays in the dark, whatever problem the organization is having will only get worse,

4. Listening Establishes Trust

Effective leaders are always good communicators, but that means much more than just being a good talker. David Burns. a medical doctor and professor of psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania, points out, “The biggest mistake you can make in trying to talk convincingly is to put your highest priority on expressing your ideas and feelings. What most people really want is to be listened to, respected, and understood. The moment people see that they are being understood, they become more motivated to understand your point of view.”

Author and speaker Brian Tracy says, “listening builds trust, the foundation of all lasting relationships.” When my employee confronted me about my poor listening skills, what she was really telling me was that I was not trustworthy. She didn’t know whether her ideas, opinions, and feelings were safe with me. By becoming a more attentive listener, I was able to earn her trust.

When leaders listen to followers and use what they hear to make improvements that benefit those who speak up and the organization, then followers put their trust in those leaders. When leaders do the opposite—when they fail to listen—it damages the leader-follower relationship. When followers no longer believe that their leaders are listening to them, they start looking for someone who will.

5. Listening Can Improve the Organization

The bottom line is that when the leader listens, the organization gets better. Former Chrysler chairman Lee Iacocca asserted, “Listening can make the difference between a mediocre company and a great one.” That means listening to people up and down the line at every level of the organization—to customers, workers, and other leaders.

Dallas-based Chili’s, one of the nation’s top restaurant chains, has prided itself in having leaders who listen. Norman Brinker, onetime owner and chairman of Chili’s, believes that responsive communication is the key to good relations with both employees and customers. He also has learned that such communication pays big dividends. Almost 80 percent of Chili’s menu has come from suggestions made by unit managers.

Listening always pays dividends. The more you know, the better off you are—as long as you maintain perspective and think like a leader. Niccolo Machiavelli, author of The Prince, wrote. “Minds are of three kinds. One is capable of thinking for itself; another is able to understand the thinking of others and a third can neither think for itself nor understand the thinking of others. The first is of the highest excellence, the second is excellent, and the third is worthless.” To be a good leader, you must be able to not only think for yourself but also understand and learn from the thinking of others.

Is it possible to be a leader without being a listener? The answer is yes. Talk to employees in companies all across the country and they will tell you that they work for people who do not listen to them. Is it possible to be a good leader without listening? The answer is no. No one can go to the highest level and take his or her organization there without being a good listener. It simply doesn’t happen, because you can never get the best out of people if you don’t know who they are, where they want to go. why they care, how they think, and what they have to contribute. You can learn those things only if you listen.

Author and speaker Jim Rohn says, “One of the greatest gifts you can give anyone is the gift of attention.” I believe that’s true. But listening to followers isn’t just a gift to them. It benefits the leader too. When leaders listen, their receive others’ insight, knowledge, wisdom, and respect. That puts all of an organization’s assets into play ready to be marshaled for the fulfillment of the vision and the attainment of its goals. What a wonderful gift.

Application Exercises

I. Give yourself a listening audit. The next few times you are in meetings, ask your assistant or a colleague to track how many minutes you spend speaking and how many minutes you spend listening. If you are not spending at least 80 percent of the time listening, you need to improve. Try writing “L” on your notes where you will see it.

2. Who doesn’t feel listened to? If people you work or live with feel that you do not listen to them, you will be able to see it in their faces. Think about the people who are most important to you in your life. The next time you have a conversation with them, stop everything you’re doing, give them your undivided attention, and look them in the eye as they speak. If you see surprise, avoidance, or hostility in their expression, it may be because they feel you have not really listened to them in the past. Start a dialogue on the subject. Ask if you’ve neglected to listen in the past, and then let them talk. Don’t defend yourself. Seek only clarification and apologize if necessary.

3. What people have you neglected to seek out? Effective leaders are active listeners. By that I mean that they do more than listen to people who approach them with something to say. They seek out the thoughts, opinions, and feelings of others—starting with the top leaders who work for and with them. If you haven’t heard from some of your key people recently, seek them out and give them your ear.

When You Get Kicked in the Rear, You Know You're Out in Front

2008-11-10T14:12:00.000+08:00

One of the prices of leadership is criticism. When spectators watch a race, where do they focus their attention? On the front runners! Few people pay close attention to the racers who are out of contention. Racers who are viewed as being out or the running are often ignored or dismissed. But when you’re out front and ahead of the crowd, everything you do attracts attention.

As a young leader I wanted to be out front, and I enjoyed the praise of the people. However, I didn’t want to put up with anybody’s “constructive criticism.” Very quickly I learned that I had unrealistic expectations. You don’t get one without receiving the other. If you want to be a leader, you need to get used to criticism, because if you are successful, you will be criticized. Certain people will always find something to be unhappy about. And the way some people criticize others, you’d think they got paid for it!

Being criticized can be very discouraging. One day when I was feeling down, I shared my weariness of criticism with a friend, and his response was enlightening.

“When you’re getting discouraged as a leader,” he said, “think of Moses. He led a million complaining people for forty years and never arrived where he was supposed to go.” Moses faced a lot of complaints, criticism, and just plain whining. Some days as a leader, I can sympathize with Moses. I bet if he had it to do all over again, he would have made a note to self: next time don’t tell Pharaoh to let all my people go.

How Do You Handle Criticism?

I love the story of the salesman who was getting a haircut and mentioned that he was about to take a trip to Rome. Italy.

“Rome is a terribly overrated city,” Commented his barber, who was born in northern Italy. “What airline are you taking?”

The salesman told him the name of the airline and the barber responded, “What a terrible airline! Their seats are cramped, their food is bad, and their planes are always late. What hotel are you staying at?”

The salesman named the hotel, and the barber exclaimed, “Why would you stay there? That hotel is in the wrong part of town and has horrible service. You’d be better off staying home!”

“But I expect to close a big deal while I’m there,” the salesman replied. “And afterward I hope to see the pope.”

“You’ll be disappointed trying to do business in Italy,” said the barber. “And don’t count on seeing the pope. He only grants audiences to very important people.”

Three weeks later the salesman returned to the barber shop. “And how was your trip?” asked the barber.

“Wonderful!” replied the salesman. “The flight was perfect, the service at the hotel was excellent, and I made a big sale. And”—the salesman paused for effect—“I got to meet the pope!”

“You got to meet the pope?” Finally, the barber was impressed. “Tell me what happened!”

“Well, when I approached him. I bent damn and kissed his ring.”

“No kidding! And what did he say?”

“He looked down at my head and said, ‘My son, where did you ever get such a lousy haircut?”

Not everyone handles criticism the same way. Some try to ignore it. Some try to defend themselves against it. Others, like the salesman, use a witty remark to put a critic in his place. But no matter what, if you are a leader, you will have to deal with criticism.

How to Hold Up Under Criticism

Since all leaders nave to deal with negativity and criticism, regardless of position or profession, it’s important for them to learn to handle it constructively. Greek philosopher Aristotle said, “Criticism is something you can avoid easily—by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” However, that isn’t an option for anyone who wants to be successful as a leader. So what do you do? The following four-step process has helped me to deal with criticism, so I pass it on to you.

1. Know Yourself—This Is a Reality Issue

As a young leader I soon learned that having an upfront position was certain to draw criticism, no matter who the leader was or what he did. Highly visible leaders often have to function in difficult environments— such as the office in which the following aid to have been displayed:

Notice:

This department requires no physical fitness program: everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, running down the boss, knifing friends in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck.

Anonymous

So if you are automatically going to be criticized if you are a leader, what should you do? First, have a realistic view of yourself. That will lay a solid foundation for you to handle criticism successfully. Here’s why: Many times, when a leader is being criticized, it’s really the leadership position that prompts the negative remarks, not the individual leader. You need to be able to separate the two, and vow can do that only when you know yourself. If a criticism is directed at the position, don’t take it personally. Let it roll off of you. Knowing yourself well may take some time and effort. As founding father Benjamin Franklin observed, “There are three things extremely hard: steel, a diamond, and to know one’s self? However, the effort is worth the reward.

I have to admit that the majority of criticism that I have received over the years was directed more at me than at the position I held. Often people have tried to help me know myself, and the conversation usually began with the phrase “I’m going to tell you something for your own good? I discovered that when they tell me something for my own good, they never seem to have anything good to tell me! However, I have also realized that what I need to bear most is what I want to hear least. From those conversations I have learned much about myself including the following:

• I am impatient.

• I am unrealistic about the time tasks take and how difficult most processes are.

• I don’t like to give a lot of time or effort to people’s emotional concerns.

• I overestimate the ability of others.

• I assume too much.

• I want to delegate responsibility too quickly.

• I want options—so many that I drive everyone crazy.

• I don’t care for rules or restrictions.

• I determine my priorities quickly and expect others to have similar attitudes.

• I process issues quickly and want to move on—even when other people aren’t ready to.

Obviously, the things I have found out about myself are not flattering. Yet those weaknesses are reality. So the question is, what am I to do about it?

2. Change Yourself—This Is a Responsibility Issue

When someone’s criticism about me is accurate, then I have a responsibility to do something about it. That is part of being a good leader If I respond correctly to my critics by examining myself and admitting my shortcomings, then I set myself up to begin making positive changes in my life.

Author Aldous Huxley remarked, “You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you mad.” My first natural reaction to criticism often isn’t good—it sometimes hurt, but more often anger. But after my anger has subsided, I try to determine whether the criticism is constructive or destructive. Some say constructive criticism is when I criticize you, but destructive criticism is when you criticize me!) Here are the questions I ask to determine what kind of criticism it is:

• Who criticized me? Adverse criticism from a wise person is more to be desired than the enthusiastic approval of a fool. The source often matters.

• How was the criticism given? I try to discern whether the person was being judgmental or whether he gave me the benefit of the doubt and spoke with kindness.

• Why was it given? Was it given out of a personal hurt or for my benefit? Hurting people hurt people; they lash out or criticize to try to make themselves feel better, not to help the other person.

Whether the criticism is legitimate or not, what determines whether I grow from or groan under unwanted words is my attitude. My friend, management expert Ken Blanchard, is right when he says, “Some leaders are like seagulls. When something goes wrong, they fly in, make a lot of noise, and crap all over everything.” People with that kind of attitude not only refuse to take responsibility for their contribution to the problem, but they also make conditions terrible for the people who work with them.

People can change for the better only when they are open to improvement. For that reason, when I am criticized I try to maintain the right attitude by

• not being defensive,

• looking for the grain of truth,

• making the necessary changes, and

• taking the high road.

If I do those things, there is a very good chance that I will learn things about myself, improve as a leader, and preserve the relationships I have with others.

3. Accept Yourself—This Is a Maturity Issue

Jonas Salk, developer of the salk polio vaccine, had many critics in spite of his incredible contribution to medicine. Of criticism, he observed, “First people will tell you that you are wrong. Then they will tell you that you are right, but what you’re doing really isn’t important. Finally, they will admit that you are right and that what you are doing is very important; but after all, they knew it all the time.” How do leaders who are out front handle this kind of tickle response from others? They learn to accept themselves. If you have endeavored to know yourself, and have worked hard to change yourself, then what more can you do?

Professor and author Leo Buscaglia counseled, “The easiest thing to be in the world is you. The most difficult thing to be is what other people want you to be. Don’t let them put you in that position.” To be the best person you can be—and the best leader—you need to be yourself. That doesn’t mean that you aren’t willing to grow and change. It just means that you work to become the best you that you can be. And as psychologist Carl Rogers remarked, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” Being who you really are is the first step in becoming better than you are.

Because I’ve already written about working within your strength zone, which you can do only if you know and accept who you are, I don’t need to say a lot more about it here, other than to emphasize that accepting yourself is a sign of maturity. If you worry about what other people think of you, it’s because you have more confidence in their opinion than you have in your own. Executive coach and consultant Judith Bardwick says, “Real confidence comes from knowing and accepting yourself—your strengths and limitations—in contrast to depending on affirmation from others.”

4. Forget Yourself—This Is a Security Issue

The first step in the process of effectively handling criticism is to stop focusing on yourself. When we were growing up, a lot of us spent a good deal of time worrying about what the world thought of us. Now I’m sixty, and I realize the world really wasn’t paying much attention.

Secure people forget about themselves so they can focus on others. By doing this they can face nearly any kind of criticism—and even serve the critic. For years when I was the pastor of
churches, I went out of my way to initiate personal contact with my critics every Sunday. I
sought them out and greeted them. I wanted them to know that I valued them as people, regardless of what their attitude was toward me. Being secure in who I am and focusing on others allows me to take the high road with people. I try to live out a sentiment expressed be Parkenham Batty, who advised, “By your own soul learn to live. And if men thwart you, take no heed. If men hate you, have no care Sing your song, dream your dream, hope your hope and pray your prayer.”

One day Perry Noble, a young leader whom I have the privilege of mentoring, shared with me about the hurt he felt when others criticized him. I could identify with his feelings. When he asked for advice about how to respond to criticism, I explained that a secure leader never needs to defend himself.

Perry later said to me, “That day I realized I was spending way too much time defending myself to my critics and not getting done what I really needed to get done.” Once again, I could relate.

As leaders, we must always be serious about our responsibilities, but it isn’t healthy for us to take ourselves too seriously. A Chinese proverb says, “Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves. They shall never cease to be entertained.” I must say, for years I have entertained myself.

My friend Joyce Meyer observes, “God will help you be all you can be, but He will never let you be successful at becoming someone else.” We can’t do more than try to be all that we can be. If we do that as leaders, we will give others our best, and we will sometimes take hits from others. But that’s okay. That is the price for being out front.

Application Exercise

1. What are your deficiencies? Where do you fall short as a person and leader? If you can’t answer that question, then you don’t really know yourself. And if you don’t, how will you be able to accept what you cannot change or change what you must to be a better leader? Ask five trustworthy people who know you where you come up short. Then decide what you need to change and what you need to accept

2. How secure are you as a leader? Insecurity and defensiveness are two characteristics that I have seen present many leaders from reaching their potential. When others criticize you, is your first reaction to dismiss what’s said, defend yourself, or fight back? If so, your responses may hold you back as a leader. Practice quietness the next time you are criticized. Take in all that’s said, tell the person that you will think about the criticism, and then take some time to process it on your own.

3. How can you properly process criticism? Use the three questions from the chapter to determine whether some criticism can be helpful to you:

• Who criticized me?

• How was the criticism given?

• Why was it given?

As you ask these questions, start out by giving the critic the benefit of the doubt so that you can be as objective as possible. If the criticism is well founded, then consider how you can make changes to improve.

Defining Moments Define Your Leadership

2008-11-10T14:11:00.000+08:00

One of the leaders I admire most is Winston Churchill, England’s prime minister who stood up against the Nazis during World War II. He was a leader’s leader! He once remarked, “In every age there comes a time when a leader must come forward to meet the needs of the hour. Therefore, there is no potential leader who does not have an opportunity to make a positive difference in society. Tragically, there are times when a leader does not rise to the hour.”

What determines whether a leader emerges to meet the challenge of the hour? More to the point, what will determine whether you will step forward to successfully meet the challenges you face? I believe the determining factor is how you handle certain critical moments in your life. These moments will define who you are as a person and as a leader.

How Will You Be Defined?

If you are familiar with my philosophy of leadership and my teaching on success, then you know that I’m a big believer in personal growth. I don’t believe in overnight successes. In fact, one of my core principles is the Law of Process in my book The 21 Irrefutable Law of Leadership. It states, “Leadership develops daily, not in a day However, I also believe that the choices we make in critical moments help to form us and to inform others about who we are. They are defining moments, and here’s why I think they are important:

1. Defining Moments Show Us Who We Really Are

Most days in our lives come and go; they are much like all the others and don’t stand out. But there are a few days that are unlike all the others. They do stand out because they give us an opportunity to stand up, be set apart from the rest of the crowd, and seize that moment—or to remain sitting with the rest of the crowd and let it pass. These moments—for better or worse—define us. They show us what we are really made of.

We often focus on the milestones of life, the important events that mark seasons and accomplishments. We happily anticipate a graduation, wedding, or promotion. But some of our defining moments come as a total surprise, often appearing during times of crisis:

• Facing a personal failure

• Taking a stand on an issue

• Experiencing suffering

• Being asked to forgive

• Making an unpleasant choice

Sometimes we can sense the importance of our actions in the moment. We can see two clear paths ahead of us, one leading up, the other down. Other times, sadly, our defining moments occur and we don’t see them for what they are. Only afterward, when time has passed and we look back, do we understand their importance. Either way, they define who we are.

2. Defining Moments Declare to Others Who We Are

Most days we can wear masks and hide who we are from the people around us. During defining moments, we can’t do that. Our résumés mean nothing. It doesn’t matter how we have marketed ourselves. Our image means nothing. Defining moments put the spotlight on us. We have no time to put a spin on our actions. Whatever is truly inside us is revealed to everyone. Our character isn’t made during these times—it is displayed!

For leaders, defining moments tell the people following them many of the thing they really want to know: who their leaders are, what they stand for, and why they are leading. Handled well a defining moment can cement a relationship and bond leaders and followers for life. Handled poorly, a defining moment can cost a leader his credibility and end his ability to lead.

In the revised tenth anniversary edition of The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership, I wrote about two defining moments in the leadership of President George W Bush. His first term in office was defined by his response to the September 11 terrorist attacks. He connected with the hearts of the American people, and even people who hadn’t voted for him were willing to give his leadership a chance. However, his second term of office was defined by his poor response to Katrina. It took only a few days for the people of the United States to feel the leadership vacuum—and even for many of the president’s supporters to disapprove of his leadership.

My intention is not to be critical. All of us have experienced failure. My point is that the defining moments of leaders can have a dramatic effect on others. When leaders respond correctly, everyone wins. When they respond incorrectly, everyone loses.

3. Defining Moments Determine Who We Will Become

You will never be the same person after a defining moment. Somehow you will be moved. It may be forward, or it may be backward, but make no mistake—you will be moved. Why is that? Because defining moments are not normal, and what’s “normal” doesn’t work in those times.

I think of defining moments as intersections in our lives. They give us an opportunity to turn, change direction, and seek a new destination. They present options and opportunities. In these moments, we must choose. And the choice we make will define us! What will we do? Our response puts us on a new path, and that new path will define who we will become in the future. After a defining moment, we will never be the same person again.

Moments That Defined Me

The defining moments of my life have determined who I have become. Take away even one of them—good or bad—and I would not be the same person. And the defining moments that lie before me will continue to shape me.

As I look back at the many defining moments in my life and reflect on them, I can see that all of them fall into four categories:

Some Defining Moments Were Ground Breakers

Many of the defining moments of my life allowed me to start Something new. More than twenty years ago, I was teaching leadership to a small group of people in Jackson, Mississippi. At the close of the seminar, one of the participants asked if it was possible to receive ongoing leadership training from me. I wasn’t sure how that could be done. However, as we talked, I could sense that many of the other attendees desired the same thing.

In that moment, I made a quick decision. I told them that if they would be willing to pay a modest fee, I would promise to write and record a new one-hour leadership lesson every month and send it to them. I had never done anything like that before, and I wasn’t even sure how to do it, but I passed a sheet of paper around the room, and to my surprise, nearly every person signed up. At the end of that day, I didn’t recognize that I had experienced a defining moment, but I had. My promise to them turned unto what I called a tape club—a leadership lesson subscription service on tape (and eventually CD) that rose to more than twenty thousand subscribers and continues even today.

Now more than two decades later, I can say with great assurance that my response in that moment was one of the most important leadership decisions I ever made. At the time, it looked like a lot of work. And it has been. But those monthly lessons allowed me to be a leadership mentor to thousands of leaders across the country and eventually around the world. Those lessons have provided material for many of the books I have written. And those lessons became the catalyst for me to start a resource company to facilitate the growth of leaders. Without that decision, the entire course of my life would have been different.

Some Defining Moments Were Heart Breakers

Not all defining moments are positive. I have experienced some very difficult moments, but sometimes those experiences have given me the opportunity to stop and make needed changes in my life. One such instance occurred on December 18,1998. As our company Christmas party came to an end, I suddenly felt a debilitating pain and weight on my chest. It was a heart attack. As I lay on the floor waiting for an ambulance, reality hit me. My priorities were out of whack, and I wasn’t nearly as healthy as I thought!

Over the next few weeks, I spent a lot of time reflecting on my health. I was working too hard. I wasn’t taking enough time off with my family. I wasn’t exercising regularly. And I wasn’t eating the right food. The bottom line: my life was out of balance.

During this season, I learned a lesson that is best described by the words of Brian Dyson, former vice chairman and COO of Coca-Cola, who delivered the commencement address at Georgia Tech in 1996. In it, he explained this:

Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them—work, family, health, friends and spirit and you’re keeping all of these in the air. You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls—family, health, friends and spirit are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for balance in your life.

I was very fortunate. When I dropped the health ball, it got scuffed but it didn’t shatter. Since receiving a second chance, I have redefined my priorities. I spend more time with my family. I exercise regularly. I try to eat right. I don’t do these things perfectly, but I’m striving to live a more balanced life. I don’t know what kinds of “balls” you may be juggling, but I recommend that you not wait until one of the important ones falls before examining your life. You can make changes without having to experience a heart breaker.

Some Defining Moments Were Cloud Breakers

Occasionally a defining moment comes as the result of seeing a new opportunity and taking action to seize it. That was the case for me several years ago. During the twenty-five years I worked as a pastor, I spent seventeen of them buying land, constructing buildings, and raising funds to pay for it.

One day a pastor and a key businessperson flew over to San Diego from Phoenix to have lunch with me. They were in a building program and said they came because I had a lot of experience raising the finances to make a vision a reality—something that isn’t taught in seminary. At the close of our lunch, they asked me if I would help them raise the money for their building program. “If you can do this for your congregation,” one of them said, “you can certainly help us.”

At that moment, it was very clear to me. I could help them. And I should. Before they left, we shook hands and I agreed to help them. I went out to my car in the parking lot, called a friend and said. “Next week we will begun helping churches raise money to realize their dreams? That was the birth of my company INJOY Stewardship Services.

Some Defining Moments Were Chart Breakers

The finest defining moments allow a person to soar to a much higher level. That was the case a few years ago at EQUIP a nonprofit organization that my brother, Larry; and I founded in 1996 to train and resource leaders internationally. The first few years EQUIP was in existence were typical of a fledgling organization. We were trying to establish ourselves, engage donors to help us, and develop a team to lead this venture. Those years were filled with trial and error, adjustments and changes as we worked to establish credibility as a leadership organization.

As time went by, I could sense that EQUIP needed a vision that would capture the heart and hands those who believed in our mission. I discovered that vision and then presented it one evening at a banquet with hundreds of supporters of EQUIP. I painted a picture in which EQUIP would train and resource one million leaders around the world in five years, and I challenged them to help fulfill it. The vision connected with the people, and EQUIP soared to a new level. That night was defining moment for hundreds of people that over five years became a life-changing experience for a million people.

Defining Your Moments

Leaders become better leaders when they experience a defining moment and respond to it correctly. Anytime they experience a breakthrough. it allows the people who follow them to also benefit The difficulty with defining moments is that you don’t get to choose them. You can’t sit down with your calendar and say, “I’m going to schedule a defining moment for next Tuesday at eight o’clock.” You cannot control when they will come. However, you can choose how you will handle them when they come, and you can take steps to prepare for them. Here’s how:

1. Reflect on Defining Moments from the Past

It’s said that those who do not study history are destined to repeat its mistakes. That statement applies not only in a broad sense to a nation or culture but also to individuals and their personal histories. The best teacher for a leader is evaluated experience. To predict how you will handle defining moments in the future, look at the ones from your past.

2. Prepare for Defining Moments in the Future

One of the most valuable things I’ve done in my life is to make major choices before times of crisis or decision. That has enabled me to simply manage those decisions in critical moments of my life. A few of these decisions I made as a teenager, many in my twenties and thirties, and a few later in life. I wrote about these decisions in depth in my book Today Matters, but I’ll give them to you here so that you can get the gist:

Attitude: I will choose and display the right attitudes daily.

Priorities: I will determine and act upon important priorities daily

Health: I will know and follow healthy guidelines daily.

Family: I will communicate with and care for my family daily.

Thinking: I will practice and develop good thinking daily.

Commitment: I will make and keep proper commitments daily.

Finances: I will earn and properly manage finances daily.

Faith: I will deepen and live out my faith daily.

Relationships: I will initiate and invest in solid relationships daily.

Generosity: I will plan for and model generosity daily.

Values: I will embrace and practice good values daily.

Growth: I will desire arid experience improvements daily.

I don’t have to wrestle with these issues during a defining moment. They are already settled, and I am free to focus on the situation at hand and make decisions based on them.

3. Make the Most of Defining Moments in the Present

Now that you will be looking for defining moments, you will be in a better position to make the most of them. Remember that after we experience one, we are never the same again. But the kind of change we experience will depend on how we respond to those moments. Many of them present us with opportunities. With opportunities come risks, but don’t be afraid to take them. It is in moments of risk that the greatest leaders are often born.

I think there is a temptation to believe that all defining moments are highly dramatic and usually occur early in the life of leaders. I don’t think that’s true. You don’t need a lot of major breakthroughs to achieve dramatic results. Just one can make a huge difference. As Albert Einstein used to say, he only came up with the theory of relativity once, but it kept him in pipe tobacco for years.

I believe that if I keep growing, keep seeking opportunities, and keep taking risks, I will continue to experience defining moments. If I keep making good choices and always try to do things that benefit my people in those moments, my leadership will continue to be redefined, to grow, and to improve. When that happens, everybody wins.

Defining Moment Define Your Leadership

Application Exercises

I. What is your track record? Look back on your life and the decisions you’ve made at critical moments. What kinds of defining moments have you experienced in the past? Write down as many as you can remember. For each, note:

• The situation

• Your decision or response

• The result

Have your responses been generally good or bad? Is there a common denominator for the poor choices? If you have the courage, ask those closest to you their opinion about your mistakes. If you see a pattern, what is it and how can you address it so that you don’t make similar poor choices in the future?

2. How are you managing your decisions? Using the following list as an example, create a list of choices you will make based on your values and priorities.

Attitude: I will choose and display the right attitudes daily

Priorities: I will determine and act upon important priorities daily.

Health: I will know and follow healthy guidelines daily.

Family: I will communicate with and care for my family daily.

Thinking: I will practice and develop good thinking daily.

Commitment: I will make and keep proper commitments daily.

Finances: I will earn and properly manage finances daily.

Faith: I will deepen and live out my faith daily.

Relationships: I will initiate and invest in solid relationships daily.

Generosity: I will plan for and model generosity daily.

Values: I will embrace and practice good values daily.

Growth: I will desire and experience improvements daily.

Post your list where you will see it every morning. Review the list daily for a month and manage your moment-to-moment decisions based on your choices.

3. How prepared are you for future defining moments? As you face each day, try to be alert to the kinds of defining moments leaders typically face:

• Ground Breakers—opportunities to do something new

• Heart Breakers—opportunities to reevaluate priorities

• Cloud Breakers—opportunities for a clear vision

• Chart Breakers—opportunities to go to a new level

Think about how you will make the most of these opportunities.

The Toughest Person to Lead is Always Yourself

2008-10-24T01:45:00.000+08:00

During a Q&A session at a conference, someone asked, “What has been your greatest challenge as a leader?” I think my response surprised nearly everyone in the auditorium.

“Leading me!” I answered. “That’s always been my greatest challenge as a leader.”

I think that’s true for all leaders regardless of who they lead and what they accomplish. We sometimes think about accomplished leaders from history and assume that they had it all together. But if we really examine their lives, whether we’re looking at King David. George Washington, or Winston Churchill, we’ll see that they struggled to lead themselves well. That’s why I say that the toughest person to lead is always yourself, it’s like Walt Kelly exclaimed in his Pogo cartoon strip: “We have met the enemy and he is us.”

Acknowledging that leading myself is a challenge brings back some painful memories. Many of my leadership breakdowns have been personal breakdowns. In a leadership career that has spanned almost four decades, I’ve made plenty of mistakes, but I have experienced only four major leadership crises. And I’m sorry to say that all of them were my fault.

The first occurred in 1970, just two years into my first official leadership position. After two year of work, I had won over many people and there was a lot going on. However, one day I realized that my organization had no direction. Why? Because I lacked the ability to prioritize correctly and bring focus to my leadership. As a young leader, I didn’t yet understand that activity does not necessarily equal accomplishment. As a result, my people, allowing my example, were wandering in the wilderness for sixteen months. In the end, I didn’t really lead them anywhere.

The next crisis came in 1979. At that time I felt pulled in two directions. I had been successful in my second leadership position, but I also realized that if I was going to reach a broader audience, which I felt was the right thing to try to do, I would have to leave the organization I had been a part of for the first twelve years of my career. My uncertainty and the personal changes that I was dealing with negatively impacted the organization I led. I became unfocused, and my vision for the organization became cloudy. My passion and energy also begin to wane. Leaders who aren’t focused aren’t as effective as they could be. As a result, we weren’t moving forward as effectively as we could.

The third occurred in 1991 when I was overloaded with work and my life was out of balance. Because I had been leading my organization successfully for ten years, I thought I could take a few shortcuts to make things easier for me. I made three difficult decisions in rapid succession without doing proper due diligence or taking the time needed to process everyone through them. What a mistake! As a result, the people were not prepared for the decisions—and I was unprepared for their response. The trust that it had taken me ten years to build began to erode. To make matters worse, when the people who questioned my decisions balked at following my lead, I became increasingly impatient. I angrily thought, What is their problem? Why don’t they “get it” and get on with it? Within a few weeks, I realized that the problem wasn’t them. It was me. I ended up having to apologize to everyone for my attitude.

The fourth occurred in 2001 and involved a staff member whom I needed to let go. I’ll tell you more about that in “A Leader’s First Responsibility Is to Define Reality.” The bottom line was that my unwillingness to make difficult decisions cost me many dollars and some key personnel. Once again, I was the source of the problem.

Judge For Yourself

If we are honest with ourselves, we’ll admit that the toughest person to lead is ourselves. Most people don’t need to worry about the competition. Other people aren’t the reason they lose. If they don’t win, it’s because they disqualify themselves.

That’s as true for leaders as it is for anyone else. They are often their own worst enemies. Why is that?

We Don’t See Ourselves as We See Others

My years counseling others taught me something important: people seldom see themselves realistically. Human nature seems to endow us with the ability to size up everybody in the world except ourselves. That’s why in my book Winning with People I start with the Mirror Principle, which advises, “The First Person We Must Examine Is Ourselves.” If you don’t look at yourself realistically, you will never understand where your personal difficulties lie. And if you can’t see them, you won’t be able to lead yourself effectively.

We Are Harder on Others Than We Are on Ourselves

Most people use two totally different sets of criteria for judging themselves versus others. We tend to judge others according to their actions. It’s very cut-and-dried. However, we judge ourselves by our intentions. Even if we do the wrong thing, if we believe our motives were good, we let ourselves off the hook. And we are often willing to do that over and over before requiring ourselves to change.

Keys to Leading Yourself

The truth is that to be successful in any endeavor, we need to learn how to get out of our own way. That’s as true for leaders as it is for anyone else. Because I have known for many years that the toughest person to lead is me, I have taken step help me do that. By practicing the following four thing, I have tried to lead myself well as a prerequisite to leading others:

1. Learn Followership

Bishop Fulton I. Sheen remarked, “Civilization is always in danger when those who have never learned to obey are given the right to command.” Only a leader who has followed well knows how to lead others well. Good leadership requires an understanding of the world that followers live in. Connecting with your people becomes possible because you have walked in their shoes. You know what it means to be under authority and thus have a better sense of how authority should be exercised. In contrast, leader who have never followed well or submitted to authority tend to be prideful, unrealistic, rigid, and autocratic.

If those words describe your leadership, you need to do some soul searching. Arrogant leaders are rarely effective in the long run. They alienate their followers, their colleagues, and their leaders. Learn to submit to another person’s leadership and to follow well, and you will become a more humble—and effective—leader.

2. Develop Self-Discipline

It’s said that one day Frederick the Great of Prussia was walking on the outskirts of Berlin when he encountered a very old man walking ramrod straight in the opposite direction.

“Who are you?” Frederick asked his subject.

“I am a king,” replied the old man.

“A king!” laughed Frederick. “Over what kingdom do you reign?”

“Over myself,” was the proud old man’s reply.

Each of us is “monarch” of our own lives. We are responsible for ruling our actions and decisions. To make consistently good decisions, to take the right action when needed, and to refrain from the wrong actions requires character and self-discipline. To do otherwise is to lose control of ourselves—to do or say things we regret, to miss opportunities we are given, to spend ourselves into debt. As King Solomon remarked, “‘The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is servant to the lender.”

In “Decision of Character,” British essayist John Foster writes, “A man without decision of character can never be said to belong to himself. He belongs to whatever can make a captive of him.” When we are foolish, we want to conquer the world. When we are wise, we want to conquer ourselves. That begins when we do what we should no matter how we feel about it.

3. Practice Patience

The leaders I know tend to be impatient. They look ahead, think ahead, and want to move ahead And that can be good. Being one step ahead makes you a leader. However, that can also be bad. Being fifty steps ahead could make you a martyr.

Few worthwhile things in life come quickly. There is no such thing as instant greatness or instant maturity. We are used to instant oatmeal, instant coffee, and microwave popcorn. But becoming a leader doesn’t happen overnight. Microwave leaders don’t have any staying power. Leadership is more of a Crock-Pot proposition. It takes time but the end product is worth the wait.

Leaders need to remember that the point of leading is not to cross the finish line first. It’s to take people across the finish line with you. For that reason, leaders most deliberately slow their pace, stay connected to their people, enlist others to help fulfill the vision, and keep people going. You can’t do that if you re running too far ahead of your people.

4. Seek Accountability

People who lead themselves well know a secret: they can’t trust themselves. Good leaders know that power can be seductive, and they understand their own fallibility. To be a leader and deny this is to put yourself in danger.

Over the years, I’ve read about many leaders who failed ethically in their leadership. Can you guess what they had in common? They all thought it could never happen them. There was a false sense of security. They thought they were incapable of ruining their lives and the lives of others.

Learning that was very sobering to me, because I shared the same attitude. I thought I was above such possibilities, and that scared me. At that moment, I made two decisions: First, I will not trust myself. Second, I will become accountable to someone other than myself. I believe those decisions have helped to keep me on track and able to lead myself and others.

Lack of accountability in our personal life will certainly lead to problems in our public life. We saw that time and time again with high-profile CEOs a few years ago. A Chinese proverb says, “When you see a good man, think of emulating him; when you see a bad man, examine your heart.”

Many people feel that accountability is a willingness to explain your actions. I believe that effective accountability begins way before we take action. It starts with getting advice from others. For leaders especially, this often develops in stages:

We don’t want advice.

We don’t object to advice.

We welcome advice.

We actively seek advice.

We often follow the advice given to us.

The willingness to seek and accept advice is a great indicator of accountability. If you seek it early—before you take action—you will be less likely to get off track. Most wrong actions come about because people are not being held accountable early enough.

Leading yourself well means that you hold yourself to a higher standard of accountability than others do. Why? Because you are held responsible not only for your own actions, but also for those of the people you lead. Leadership is a trust, not a right. For that reason, we must “fix” ourselves earlier than others may be required to. We must always seek to do what’s right, no matter how high we rise or how powerful we become. It’s a struggle we never outgrow. When Harry Truman was thrust into the presidency upon the death of Franklin Roosevelt, Sam Rayhurn gave him some fatherly advice: “From here on out you’re going to have lots of people around you. They’ll try to put a wall around you and cut you off from any ideas but theirs. They’ll tell you what a great man you are, Harry. But you and I both know you ain’t.”

Yesterday I participated in a conference call with board members of an organization who had to step in and hold a leader accountable for wrong actions he had taken. It was a sad experience. He will probably lose his leadership position. He has already lost their respect. If he had only led himself effectively first, the board’s actions would not have been necessary. After the call I thought to myself, When the leader doesn’t inspect himself the people don’t respect him.

Thomas J. Watson, the former chairman of IBM, said, “Nothing so conclusively proves a man’s ability to lead others, as what he does from day to day to lead himself.” How true. The smallest crowd you will ever lead is you—but it’s the most important one. If you do that well, then you will earn the right to lead even bigger crowds.

The Toughest Person to Lead is Always Yourself

Application Exercises

I. How clearly do you see yourself? To get a more objective look at yourself, review your performance from the last year. List all of your major goals and objectives and then mark each as either “achieved” or “not achieved” Now talk to someone you know and respect and tell them you are evaluating a candidate for a job, and show them the list. Ask them what they think based on the “candidates” achievements and failures. How does that persons evaluation jibe with your own?

2. Where do you need to grow? In which of the following areas do you most need to grow: self-discipline, “foIlowership,” or patience? What new task or practice can you take on to develop it? Maybe you should set a recreational goal that will require at least a year’s work, or put off buying something you’ve wanted for a long time. Perhaps you should offer to do a task for a leader whom you find difficult to follow. Or you could consider volunteering; it requires patience, followership, and self-discipline.

3. How well do you take advice? Ask five to ten friends, colleagues, and family members to evaluate you using the levels mentioned in the chapter. Each of the following is worth the number beside it:

1. You don’t want advice

2. You don’t object to advice.

3. You welcome advice.

4. You actively seek advice.

5. You often follow the advice given to you.

Average their scores. If your average is below a 4, you need to improve in this area. Begin enlisting others in your information-gathering process before son make decisions. It you are married, begin with your spouse.

Boundaries and Your Self

2008-07-29T14:38:00.000+08:00

Sarah heaved a long sigh. She’d been working on major boundary issues in her therapy for a while now. She was seeing progress in resolving responsibility conflicts with her parents, her husband, and her kids. Yet today she introduced a new issue.

“I haven’t told you about this relationship before, though I guess I should have. I have tremendous boundary problems with this woman. She eats too much, and has an attacking tongue. She’s undependable—lets me down all the time. And she’s spent money of mine and hasn’t paid me back in years.”

“Why haven’t you mentioned her before?” I asked.

“Because she’s me,” Sarah replied.

Sarah was echoing the conflict most of us have. We learn that boundaries are biblical. We begin setting limits on others. We begin moving from taking too much responsibility to taking just enough. But how do we begin to set limits on ourselves? As Pogo Possum, cartoonist Walt Kelly’s popular swamp character, says, “We have met the enemy, and he is us.”

In this chapter, instead of looking at the control and manipulation of others, we’ll be looking at our responsibility to control our own bodies (1 Thess. 4:4). Instead of examining outer boundary conflicts with other people, we will be looking at our own internal boundary conflicts. This can get a little touchy. As the disgruntled country church member told his pastor as he left after the Sunday sermon, “You done stopped preachin’, and you done started meddlin’!”

Instead of this defensive posture, we are much better off to look humbly at ourselves. To ask for feedback from others. To listen to people we trust. And to confess, “I was wrong.”

Our Out-of-Control Soul

Eating

Teresa’s secret shame was becoming more difficult to keep a secret. Her five-foot-four frame could hide a little extra weight, but over the past few months she’d gradually moved into the mid-hundred mark. She hated it. Her dating life, her stamina, and her attitude toward herself were all affected.

She was out of control. In her successful but stressful career as an attorney, cookies and candy were the only place she could go when everything was falling down around her. Twelve-hour days meant lots of isolation, and absolutely nothing filled the void like fatty foods. No wonder they call it comfort food, Teresa would think.

What makes overeating especially painful is that overweight is visible to others. The overweight person feels enormous self-hate and shame about her condition. And, like others who suffer from out-of-control behaviors, the overweight person feels overwhelming shame for her behavior, which drives her away from relationship and back to food.

Both chronic and bingeing overeaters suffer from an internal self-boundary problem. For overeaters, food serves as a false boundary. They might use food to avoid intimacy by gaining weight and becoming less attractive. Or they might binge as a way to get false closeness. For bingers, the might binge as a way to get false closeness. For bingers, the “comfort” from food is less scary than the prospect of real relationships, where boundaries would be necessary.

Money

A now-famous bumper sticker reads, “I can’t be overdrawn—I still have checks left!” People have tremendous problems in many different areas dealing with money, including the following:

• impulse spending

• careless budgeting

• living beyond one’s means

• credit problems

• chronically borrowing from friends

• ineffectual savings plans

• working more to pay all the bills

• enabling others

God intended for money to be a blessing to us and others: “Give, and it will be given to you” (Luke 6:38). In fact, the Bible says that the problem isn’t money, it’s the love of money that is “a root of all kinds of evil” (1 Tim. 6:10).

Most of us would certainly agree that we need to be in control of our finances. Saving money, keeping costs down, and shopping for discounts are all good things. It’s tempting to see money problems as simply a need for more income; however, the problem often isn’t the high cost of living—it’s the cost of high living.

The problem of our financial outgo exceeding our input is a self-boundary issue. When we have difficulty saying no to spending more than we should, we run the risk of becoming someone else’s servant: “The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is servant to the lender” (Prov. 22:7).

Time

Many people feel that their time is out of control. They are “eleventh-hour people,” constantly on the edge of deadlines. Try as they might, they find the day—every day— getting away from them. There just aren’t enough hours to accomplish their tasks. The word early doesn’t seem to be part of their personal experience. Some of the time binds these strugglers deal with are these:

• business meetings

• luncheon appointments

• project deadlines

• church and school activities

• holiday mailings

These people breeze into meetings fifteen minutes late and breathlessly apologize, talking about traffic, overwhelming job responsibilities, or kid emergencies.

People whose time is out of control inconvenience others whether they mean to or not. The problem often stems from one or more of the following causes:

1. Omnipotence. These people have unrealistic, somewhat grandiose expectations of what they can accomplish in a given amount of time. “No problem—I’ll do it” is their motto.

2. Over-responsibility for the feelings of others. They think that leaving a party too early will cause the host to feel abandoned.

3. Lack of realistic anxiety. They live so much in the present that they neglect to plan ahead for traffic, parking the car, or dressing for an outing.

4. Rationalization. They minimize the distress and inconvenience that others must put up with because of their lateness. They think, “They’re my friends—they’ll understand.”

The person with undeveloped time sell-boundaries ends up frustrating not only others, but himself. He ends the day without the sense that a “desire realized is sweet to the soul’ (Prov. 13:19 NASB). Instead, he is left with unrealized desires, half-baked projects, and the realization that tomorrow will begin with him running behind schedule.

Task Completion

A first cousin to the time boundary problem, task completion deals with “finishing well.” Most of us have goals in the love and work areas of life. We may wish to be a veterinarian or a lawyer. We may wish to own our own business or own a home in the country. We may wish to start a Bible study program or an exercise regimen.

We all would like to say about our tasks, whether large or small, what Paul said: “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness” (2 Tim. 4:7-8). More eloquent in their simplicity are Jesus’ words on the cross: “It is finished” (John 19:30).

Though they may be great starters, many Christians find themselves unable to be good finishers. For one reason or another, creative ideas don’t pan out. A regular schedule of operations becomes bogged down. Success looms, then is suddenly snatched away.

The problem with many poor finishers lies in one of the following causes:

1. Resistance to structure. Poor finishers feel that submitting to the discipline of a plan is a putdown.

2. Fear of success. Poor finishers are over-concerned that success will cause others to envy and criticize them. Better to shoot themselves in the foot than to lose their buddies.

3. Lack of follow-through. Poor finishers have an aversion to the boring “nuts and bolts” of turning the crank on a project. They are much more excited about birthing the idea, then turning it over to other people to execute it.

4. Distractibility. Poor finishers are unable to focus on a project until it’s done. They have often never developed competent concentration skills.

5. Inability to delay gratification. Poor finishers are unable to work through the pain of a project to experience the satisfaction of a job well done. They want to go directly to the pleasure. They are like children who want to eat dessert before they eat the well-balanced meal.

6. Inability to say no to other pressures. Poor finishers are unable to say no to other people and projects. They don’t have time to finish any job well.

Those with task completion problems often feel like two-year-olds in their favorite toy area. They’ll bang a hammer for a bit, vroom with a toy car, talk to a puppet, and then pick up a book. All in two minutes or less. It’s easy to see the boundary problems inherent in those with task completion problems. Their internal no hasn’t been developed enough to keep them focused on finishing things.

The Tongue

In a therapy group I was leading, a man held the floor for some time. He’d go off on tangents, change the subject, and spend inordinate amounts of time on irrelevant details. He couldn’t seem to get to the point. Other members were spacing out, dozing off, or becoming restless. Just as I was to speak to the man’s struggle with getting to the point, a woman in the group spoke up, saying bluntly, “bill, talk net, willya?”

“Talking net,” putting a net or boundary on their words, can be a struggle for many. How we use language can deeply affect the quality of our relationships. The tongue can be a source of both blessing and curse (James 3:9-10). It can be a blessing when we use our tongue to empathize, identify, encourage, confront, and exhort others. It can be a curse when we use it to:

• Talk nonstop to hide from intimacy

• Dominate conversations to control others

• Gossip sarcastic remarks, expressing indirect hostility

• Threaten someone, expressing direct hostility

• Flatter, instead of authentically praise

• Seduce

Many people who have difficulty setting verbal boundaries on themselves aren’t really aware of their problem. They are often genuinely surprised when a friend says to them, “Sometimes it seems like you interpret my commas as periods.”

I knew a woman who was desperately afraid that others would get to know her. She asked questions and talked quickly so that no one could turn the conversation toward her. She had only one problem: she had to take breaths to continue talking, and the breath created a space for someone else to say something. The woman resolved her problem, however, in an ingenious way; she drew her breaths in the middle of her sentences, rather than at the end. That kept people sufficiently off-balance so that she was rarely interrupted. An effective strategy, with only one problem: she had to keep finding new people to talk to. After a few rounds with her, people disappeared.

The Scriptures tell us to treat our words carefully: “When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise” (Prov. 10:19). “A man of knowledge uses words with restraint” (Prov. 17:27). According to The Theological Wordbook of the Old Testament, the Hebrew word for “restrain” refers to “the free action of holding back something or someone. The actor has the power over the object.” It’s a boundary-laden term. We have the power to set boundaries on what comes out of our mouths.

When we can’t hold back, or set boundaries, on what comes from our lips, our words are in charge—not us. But we are still responsible for those words. Our words do not come from somewhere outside of us, as if we were a ventriloquist’s dummy. They are the product of our hearts. Our saying, “I didn’t mean that,” is probably better translated, “I didn’t want you to know I thought that about you.” We need to take responsibility for our words. “But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken” (Matt. 12:36).

Sexuality

As Christians are finding more safe places in the church to be honest about spiritual and emotional conflicts, sexual problems, especially for men, have emerged as a major issue. Such problems include compulsive masturbation, compulsive heterosexual or homosexual relationships, pornography, prostitution, exhibitionism, voyeurism, obscene phone calls, indecent liberties, child molestation, incest, and rape.

The individual caught up in an out-of-control sexual behavior generally feels deeply isolated and shameful. This keeps what is broken in the soul” sequestered in the darkness—out of the light of relationship with God and darkness—out of the light of relationship with God and others, where there can be neither help nor resolution. His sexuality takes on a life of its own, unreal and fantasy-driven. One man described it as a “not-me experience.” It was for him, as if the real him was watching his sexual actions from across the room. Others may feel so dead and detached that sexuality is the only way they feel alive.

The problem, however, is that, as in most internal boundary conflicts, sexual boundarylessness becomes a tyrant, demanding and insatiable. No matter how many orgasms are reached, the desire only deepens, and the inability to say no to one’s lusts drives one deeper into despair and hopelessness.

Alcohol and Substance Abuse

Probably the clearest examples of internal boundary problems, alcohol problems, alcohol and drug dependencies create devastation in the lives of addicts. Divorce, job loss, financial havoc, medical problems, and death are the fruits of the inability to set limits in these areas.

Most tragic are the increasingly younger children who are experimenting with drugs. Drug addiction is difficult for adults, who have some semblance of character and boundaries; for the child whose boundaries are delicate and forming, the results are often lifelong and debilitating.

Why Doesn’t My “No” Work?

“I’m throwing my no away,” Burt told me. “It works fine for setting limits on other people, but every time I try to complete my tasks on time, it breaks down. Where can I trade it in?”

Where indeed? As you read about the out-of-control areas above, you may have felt defeated and frustrated with yourself. You probably could identify with one or more of the problem areas, and you probably are no stranger to the discouragement of not having mature boundaries in these internal areas. What’s the problem? Why doesn’t our no work on ourselves?

There are at least three reasons for this.

1. We are our own worst enemies. An external problem is easier to deal with than an internal one. When we switch our focus from setting limits on other people to setting limits on ourselves, we make a major shift in responsibility. Previously, we were only responsible to, not for, the other party. Now we have a great deal more involvement—we are the other party. We are responsible for ourselves.

When you are around a critical person, the kind who finds fault with everything, you can set limits on your exposure to this person’s constant criticism. You can change subjects, rooms, houses, or continents. You can leave. But what if this critical person is in your own head? What if you are the person with the problem? What if you have met the enemy, and he is you?

2. We withdraw from relationship when we most need it. Jessica came to me for treatment of an eating disorder. She was thirty years old, and she had been bingeing since she was a teenager. I asked her about her previous attempts to solve this internal boundary problem.

“I try to work out and eat right,” she said. “But I always fall back.”

“Who do you talk to about this?” I asked.

“What do you mean?” Jessica looked confused.

“Who do you tell about your eating problem when you can’t take it anymore?”

Tears welled up in Jessica’s eyes. “You’re asking too much. This is a private problem. Can’t I do this without anyone knowing?”

Since the Fall, our instincts have been to withdraw from relationship when we’re in trouble, when we most need other people. (Remember how Adam and Eve hid from God after they ate the forbidden fruit?) Due to our lack of security, our loss of grace, our shame, and our pride, we turn inward, rather than outward, when we’re in trouble. And that’s a problem. As the Preacher in Ecclesiastes puts it: “Woe to one who is alone and falls and does not have another to help” (4:10 NRSV).

Such withdrawal happens in our hospital program time after time. Hurting people will begin to make attachments with staff or other patients. For the first time, they begin coming forth with their need for connection. Like a rose lifting its petals after a hard rain, they begin to relate and connect in the light of the grace of God and his people.

Then an unexpected difficulty will occur. Sometimes their depression will temporarily worsen as their pain inside is exposed. Sometimes traumatic memories will surface. Sometimes severe conflict will occur with family members. Instead of bringing these painful and frightening feelings and problems to their newfound relationships, these people will often retreat to their rooms to work out the problem. They’ll spend several hours or a day doing everything to get back under control. They’ll talk positively to themselves or read Scriptures compulsively to try to make themselves “feel better.”

It is only when this attempt at a solution breaks down that they finally realize that these spiritual pains and burdens need to be brought out of themselves to the body of Christ. To the isolated person, nothing feels more frightening, unsafe, or unwise. Such a person needs to feel very secure before she will risk taking her spiritual and emotional problems to other people.

And yet the Bible doesn’t recognize any other answer to our problems. Grace must come from the outside of ourselves to be useful and healing. Just as the branch withers without the vine (John 15:1-6), we can sustain neither life without the vine (John 15:1-6), we can sustain neither life nor emotional repair without bonding to God and others. God and his people are the fuel, the energy source from any problem is addressed. We need to be “joined and held together by every supporting ligament” (Eph. 4:16) of the body of Christ to heal and to grow up.

Whether our boundary issue is food, substances, sex, time, projects, the tongue, or money, we can’t solve it in a vacuum. If we could, we would. But the more we isolate ourselves, the harder our struggle becomes. Just like an untreated cancer can become life-threatening in a short time, self-boundary problems will worsen with increased aloneness.

3. We try to use willpower to solve our boundary problems. “I’ve got it solved!” Pete was excited about his newfound victory over his overspending. A dedicated Christian and a leader in his church, he was intensely concerned about his out-of-control finances. “I made a vow to God and myself that I’ll never spend beyond my budget again! It’s so simple, but so true!”

Not wanting to burst Pete’s bubble, I adopted a wait-and-see attitude. I didn’t have to wait long. The next week he came in, feeling discouraged and hopeless.

“I just couldn’t stop myself,” he lamented. “I went out and bought sports equipment; then my wife and I purchased new furniture. It was just what we needed. The price was right. The only problem was that we couldn’t afford it. I guess I’m hopeless.”

Pete wasn’t hopeless, but his philosophy, popular among Christians, certainly was. He had been trying to use willpower to solve his boundary problems, probably the most common approach to out-of-control behavior.

The willpower approach is simple. Whatever the problem behavior is, just stop doing it. In other words, “just say no.” Imperatives such as “Choose to stop,” “Decide to say no,” and “Make a commitment to never do it again” abound in this approach.

The problem with this approach is that it makes an idol out of the will, something God never intended. Just as our hearts and minds are distorted by the Fall, so is our power to make right decisions. Will is only strengthened by relationship; we can’t make commitments alone. God told Moses to encourage and strengthen Joshua (Deut. 3:28); he didn’t tell Moses to tell Joshua to “just say no.”

If we depend on willpower alone, we are guaranteed to fail. We are denying the power of the relationship promised in the cross. If all we need is our will to overcome evil, we certainly don’t need a Savior (1 Cor. 1:17). The truth is, willpower alone is useless against self-boundary struggles:

Why do you submit to [the world’s] rules: “Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!”? These are all destined to perish with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings. Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence. (Col. 2:20-23)

The King James Bible translates the Greek word for “self-imposed worship” as “will-worship.” In other words, these self-denying practices that appear so spiritual don’t stop stop out-of-control behavior. The boundaryless part of the soul simply becomes more resentful under the domination of the will—and it rebels. Especially after we make statements as, “I will never” and “I will always,” we act out with a vengeance. Jessica’s indulgence in food, Pete’s indulgence in money, someone else’s indulgence in foolish or slanderous conversation, or still another’s determination never to be a project again will not be healed by “white-knuckling it.”

Establishing Boundaries with Yourself

Learning to be mature in self-boundaries is not easy. Many obstacles hinder our progress; however, God desires our maturity and self-control even more than we do. He’s on our team as an exhorter, encourager, and implorer (1 Thess. 2:11—12). One way to begin developing limits on out-of-control behavior is to apply a modified version of the boundary checklist we used in Chapter 8:

1. What are the symptoms? Look at the destructive fruit you may be exhibiting by not being able to say no to yourself. You may be experiencing depression, anxiety, panic, phobias, rage, relationship struggles, isolation, work problems, or psychosomatic problems.

All of these symptoms can be related to a difficulty in setting limits on your own behavior. Use them as a road map to begin identifying the particular boundary problem you’re having.

2. What are the roots? Identifying the causes of your self-boundary problems will assist you in understanding your own contribution to the problem (how you have sinned), your developmental injuries (how you have been sinned against), and the significant relationships that may have contributed to the problem.

Some possible roots of self-boundary conflicts include:

Lack of training. Some people never learned to accept its, to pay the consequences of their actions, or to delay gratification when they were growing up. For example, they may never have experienced any consequences for dawdling as a child.

Rewarded destructiveness. People who come from families which the mom or dad was an alcoholic may have learned that out-of-control behavior brings relationship. The family came together when the alcoholic member drank.

Distorted need. Some boundary problems are legitimate, God-given needs in disguise. God gave us sexual desire both to reproduce ourselves and to enjoy our spouses. The pornography addict has diverted this good desire; he feels real and alive only when acting out.

Fear of relationship. People really want to be loved but their out-of-control behavior (i.e., overeating, overworking) keeps others away. Some people use their tongues to keep other people at bay.

Unmet emotional hungers. We all need love during the first few years of life. If we don’t receive this love, we hunger for it for the rest of our lives. This hunger for love is so powerful that when we don’t find it in relationships with other people, we look for it in other places, such as in food, in work, in sexual activity, or in spending money.

Being under the law. Many Christians raised in legalistic environments were not permitted to make decisions for themselves. When they try to make their own decisions, they feel guilty. This guilt forces them to rebel in destructive ways. Food addictions and compulsive spending are often reactions against strict

Covering emotional hurt. People who are injured emotionally, who were neglected or abused as children, disguise their pain by overeating, drinking too much, or working too much. They may abuse substances to distract from the real pain of being unloved, unwanted, and alone. If they were to stop using these disguises, their isolation would be intolerable.

3. What is the boundary conflict? Take a look at your particular self-boundary problems in relation to eating, money, time, task completion, the tongue, sexuality, alcohol and substance abuse. These seven areas aren’t exhaustive, though they cover a great deal of territory. Ask God for insight into what other areas of your life are out of God for insight into what other areas of your life are out of control.

4. Who needs to take ownership? At this point, take the painful step of taking responsibility for your out-of-control behavior. The behavior pattern may be directly traceable to family problems, neglect, abuse, or trauma. In other words, our boundary conflicts may not be all our fault. They are, however, our responsibility.

5. What do you need? It’s useless to try to deal with your boundary conflicts with yourself until you’re actively developing safe, trusting, grace-and-truth relationships with others. You are severely hampered in gaining either insight into or control over yourself when you are disconnected from God’s source of spiritual and emotional fuel.

Plugging in to other people is often frustrating for “do-it-yourself” people who would like a how-to manual for solving out-of-control behaviors just as they would buy to teach themselves piano, plumbing, or golf. They wish to get this boundary setting business over with quickly.

The problem is that many people with self-boundary struggle are also quite isolated from deep relationships. They have no “rootedness” in God or others (Eph. 3:17). Thus, they have to take what they think are steps backward to learn to connect with others. Connecting with people is a time consuming, risky, and painful process. Finding the right people, group, or church is hard enough, but after admitting your need for others may be even more difficult.

Do-it-yourself people will often fall back into a cognitive willpower approach, simply because it’s not as slow or as risky. They’ll often say things like, “Attachment is not what I want. I have an out-of-control behavior, and I need relief from the pain!” Though we can certainly understand their dilemma, they’re heading toward another quick-fix dead end. Symptomatic relief—trying to solve a problem by only dealing with the symptoms—generally leads to more symptoms. Jesus described this process in a parable:

When an evil spirit comes out of a man, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, “I will return to the house I left.” When it arrives, it finds the house swept clean and put in order. Then it goes and takes seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that man is worse than the first. (Luke 11:24-26)

Evil can take over the empty house of our souls. Even when our lives seem to be in order, isolation guarantees spiritual vulnerability. It’s only when our house is full of the love of God and others that we can resist the wiles of the Devil. Plugging in is neither an option, nor a luxury; it is a spiritual and emotional life-and-death issue.

6. How do I begin? Once you have identified your boundary problem and owned it, you can do something about it. Here are some ways to begin practicing setting boundaries on yourself.

Address your real need. Often, out-of-control patterns disguise a need for something else. You need to address the underlying need before you can deal with the out-of-control behavior. For example, impulsive eaters may discover that food is a way to stay separate and safe from romantic and sexual intimacy. Their fear of being faced with those kinds of emotionally laden situations may cause them to use food as a boundary. As their internal boundaries with the opposite sex become firmer, they can give up their destructive food boundary. They learn to ask for help for the real problem— not just for the symptomatic problem.

Allow yourself to fail. Addressing your real need is no guarantee that your out-of-control behavior will disappear. Many people who address the real issue underneath a self-boundary problem are often disappointed that the problem keeps recurring. They think, “Well, I joined a support group at church, but I still have problems being on time, or viewing pornography, or spending money, or talking out of turn. Was all this for naught?”

No. The recurrence of destructive patterns is evidence of God’s sanctifying, maturing, and preparing us for eternity. We need to continue to practice to learn things. The same process that we use to learn to drive a car, swim, or learn a foreign language is the one we use for learning better self-boundaries.

We need to embrace failure instead of trying to avoid it. Those people who spend their lives trying to avoid failure are also eluding maturity. We are drawn to Jesus because he learned obedience from what he suffered” (Heb. 5:8). People who are growing up are also drawn to individuals bear battle scars, worry furrows, and tear marks on their faces. Their lessons can be trusted, much more than the unlined faces of those who have never failed—and so have never truly lived.

Listen to empathic feedback from others. As you fail in setting boundaries on yourself, you need others who will let you know about it in a caring way. Many times, you are unaware of your own failures. Sometimes you may not truly understand the extent of the damage your lack of boundaries causes in the lives of those you care about. Other believers can provide perspective and support.

Keith had a difficult time returning money to others when they had loaned it to him. He wasn’t broke. He wasn’t selfish. He was just forgetful. He had little awareness of the discomfort he caused those who lent him money.

One afternoon a friend who had loaned him money several months before dropped by his office.

Keith,” his friend said, “Several times I’ve asked you about the money I lent you. I still haven’t heard from you. I don’t think you’re intentionally ignoring my requests. At the same time I wanted to let you know that your forgetfulness has been hard on me. I had to cancel a vacation because I didn’t have the money. Your forgetfulness is hurting me, and it’s hurting our friendship.”

Keith was astonished. He hadn’t had a clue that such a little thing to him might mean so much to a close friend. Deeply remorseful over the loss his friend had suffered, he wrote a check immediately.

In a non-condemning, non-nagging manner, Keith’s friend had helped him become more aware of his self-boundary problem. He used the empathy Keith felt for him as a close friend. True godly remorse for causing his friend pain was a powerful motivator for Keith to become more responsible. When others in our support system let us know responsible. When others in our support system let us know how our lack of self-boundaries hurts them, we are motivated by love, not by fear.

Biblically based support groups, which provide empathy and clear feedback, keep people responsible by letting them see the effect their actions have on another. When one member tells another, “Your uncontrolled behavior makes me want to stay away from you. I don’t feel that I can trust you when you act like that,” the out-of-control person isn’t being parented or policed. He is hearing truth in love from a peer. He’s hearing how what he does helps or damages those he loves. This kind of confrontation builds an empathy-based morality, a love-based self-control.

Welcome consequences as a teacher. Learning about sowing and reaping is valuable. It teaches us that we suffer losses when we aren’t responsible. The impulsive overeater has medical and social difficulties. The overspender faces bankruptcy court. The chronically late person misses plane flights and important meetings, and loses friendships. The procrastinator faces losses of promotions and bonuses. And on and on.

We need to enter God’s training school of learning to suffer for our irresponsibility. Not all suffering should be embraced; however, when our own lack of love or responsibility causes the suffering, pain becomes our teacher.

Learning how to develop better self-boundaries is an orderly process. First, we are confronted about the destructiveness of our behavior by others. Then consequences will follow if we don’t heed the feedback. Words precede actions and give us a chance to turn from our destructiveness before we have to suffer.

God doesn’t glory in our suffering. Just as a loving father’s heart breaks when he sees his children in pain, God wants to spare us pain. But when his words and the feedback of his other children don’t reach us, consequences are the of his other children don’t reach us, consequences are the only way to keep us from further damage. God is like the parent who warns his teenager that drinking will cause a loss will have bad consequences for you.” Then, if it’s not heeded, car privileges are yanked. This painful consequence prevents a possible serious catastrophe: a drunk-driving accident.

Surround yourself with people who are loving and supportive. As you hear feedback and suffer consequences, maintain close contact with your support network. Your difficulties are too much to bear alone. You need others who will be loving and supportive, but who will not rescue.

Generally speaking, friends of people with self-boundary problems make one of two errors:

(1) They become critical and parental. When the person has failed, they adopt an “I told you so” attitude, or say things like, “Now, what did you learn from your experience?” This encourages the person to either look elsewhere for a friend (no one needs more than two parents), or simply avoid the criticism, instead of learning from consequences. “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently” (Gal. 6:1).

(2) They become rescuers. They give in to their impulse to save the person from suffering. They call the boss and tell them their spouse was sick when he or she was drunk. They lend more money when they shouldn’t. They hold up the entire dinner for the latecomer, instead of going ahead with the meal.

Rescuing someone is not loving them. God’s love lets people experience consequences. Rescuers hope that by once again bailing out the out-of-control person, they’ll reap a loving, responsible person. They hope to control the other person.

It’s far better to be empathic, but at the same time refuse to be a safety net: “I’m sorry you lost another job this year, but I won’t lend you any more money until you’ve paid back the other loan. However, I’m available to talk to for support.” This approach will show people how serious you are about developing self-boundaries. The sincere searcher will value this approach and will take you up on your offer of support. The manipulator will resent the limits and quickly look for an easier touch somewhere else.

This five-point formula for developing self-boundaries is cyclical. That is, as you deal with real needs, fail, get empathic feedback, suffer consequences, and are restored, you build stronger internal boundaries each time. As you stay with your goal and with the right people, you will build a sense of self-restraint that can truly become part of your character for life.

If You Are a Victim

Establishing boundaries for yourself is always hard. It will be especially difficult if your boundaries were severely violated in childhood. No one who has avoided childhood through victimization can truly understand what these individuals go through. Of all the injuries that can be endured, this type causes severe spiritual and emotional damage.

A victim is a person who has, while in a helpless state, been injured by the exploitation of another. Some victimization is verbal, some is physical, some is sexual, and some is satanically ritualistic. All cause extreme damage to the character structure of a child, who then grows up to adulthood with spiritual, emotional, and cognitive distortions. In each case, however, three factors remain constant: helplessness, injury, and exploitation.

Some results of victimization are these:

• depression

• compulsive disorders

• impulsive disorders

• isolation

• inability to trust others

• inability to form close attachments

• inability to set limits

• poor judgment in relationships

• further exploitation in relationships

• deep sense of pervasive badness

• shame

• guilt

• chaotic lifestyle

• sense of meaninglessness and purposelessness

• unexplainable terror and panic attacks

• phobias

• rage attacks

• suicidal feelings and thoughts

Victimization has long-lasting and far-reaching effects on the lives of adult survivors. Healing for victims is difficult because their developmental processes have been damaged or interrupted by abuse. The most primary damage done is the victim loses a sense of trust. Trust, the ability to depend on ourselves and others in times of need, is a basic spiritual and emotional survival need. We need to be able to trust our own perceptions of reality and to be able to let significant people matter to us.

Our ability to trust ourselves is based on our experience of others as trustworthy. People who are “like a tree planted by streams of water” (Ps. 1:3) feel firm because of the by streams of love coming from God and others in their life.

Victims often lose a sense of trust because the perpetrator was someone they knew as children, someone who was important to them. When the relationship became damaging to them, their sense of trust became broken.

Another damaging effect of abuse or molestation is the destruction of a sense of ownership over the victim’s soul. In fact, victims often feel that they are public property—that their resources, body, and time should be available to others just for the asking.

Another injury due to victimization is a deep, pervasive sense of being “all-bad,” wrong, dirty, or shameful. No their affirming others are of their loveableness and their attributes, victims are convinced that, underneath it all, there is no good inside themselves. Because of the severity of their injuries, many victims have over-permeable boundaries. They take on badness that isn’t theirs. They begin believing that the way they were treated is the way they should be treated. Many victims think that, since they were they were bad or evil thousands of times, it certainly must be true.

Boundaries as an Aid to the Victim

Boundary work as described in this book can be extremely helpful in moving victims toward restoration and healing. However, in many cases the severe nature of the need is such that the victim will be unable to set boundaries without professional help. We strongly urge abuse victims to seek out a counselor who can guide them in establishing and maintaining appropriate boundaries.

Boundaries and Your Work

2008-07-23T11:45:00.000+08:00

In Sunday school we were studying Adam and Eve and the Fall. I learned that the Fall was the beginning of everything “bad.” That day I went home and said to my mother, “I don’t like Adam and Eve. If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t have to clean up my room!”

Work at age eight wasn’t fun, and because it wasn’t fun, it was bad. Because it was bad, it was Adam’s fault. A simple theological theory for a youngster, but it was youthful heresy. Work existed before the Fall; it was always part of God’s plan for humanity. He planned for people to do two things. They would subdue and they would rule (Gen. 1:28). They would bring the earth under their domain, and they would manage it. That sounds a lot like work!

But because Eden was paradise, our difficulties with work came later, after the Fall. God said to Adam: “Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life. It will produce thorns and thistles for you, and you will eat the plants of the field. By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return” (Gen. 3:17-19).

Other aspects of the Fall also affected our work. The first is the tendency toward disownership. We talked in earlier chapters about the boundary problem of not taking responsibility for what is ours. This started in the garden when Adam and Eve tried to pass the blame on to another for their original act of sinning. Adam blamed Eve; Eve blamed the serpent (Gen. 3:11-13). They were disowning their responsibility and blaming another. Their theme was “Get the attention off of me.” This tendency to blame another is a key work problem.

The Fall also divided love from work. Before the Fall, Adam was connected to the love of God and from that loved state, he worked. After the Fall, he was not motivated out of perfect love, but he had to work as a part of the fallen world’s curse and the law. The love-motivated “want to” became a law-motivated “should.”

Paul tells us the law’s “should” increases our wish to rebel (Rom. 5:20); it makes us angry at what we “should” do (Rom. 4:15); and it arouses our motivations to do the wrong unable to take responsibility and work effectively by owning its behaviors, talents, and choices. No wonder we have work problems.

In this chapter, we want to look at how boundaries can help resolve many work-related problems, as well as how they can help you to be happier and more fulfilled at the work you do.

Work and Character Development

Christians often have a warped way of looking at work. Unless someone is working “in the ministry,” they see his work as secular. However, this view of work distorts the biblical picture. All of us—not only full-time ministers— have gifts and talents that we contribute to humanity. We all have a vocation, a “calling” into service. Wherever we work, whatever we do, we are to do “unto the Lord” (Col. 3:23).

Jesus used parables about work to teach us how to grow spiritually. These parables deal with money, with completing tasks, with faithful stewardship of a job, and with honest emotional dealings in work. They all teach character development in the context of relating to God and others. They teach a work ethic based on love under God.

Work is a spiritual activity. In our work, we are made in the image of God, who is himself a worker, a manager, a creator, a developer, a steward, and a healer. To be a Christian is to be a co-laborer with God in the community of humanity. By giving to others we find true fulfillment.

The New Testament teaches that jobs offer more than temporal fulfillment and rewards on earth. Work is the place to develop our character in preparation for the work that we will do forever. With that in mind, let’s look at how setting boundaries in the workplace can help us to grow spiritually.

Problems in the Workplace

A lack of boundaries creates problems in the workplace. In consulting for corporations, I have seen lack of boundaries as the major problem in many management squabbles. If people took responsibility for their own work and set clear limits, most of the problems for which I get consulted would not exist.

Let’s see how applying boundaries can solve some common problems in the workplace.

Problem #1: Getting Saddled with Another Person’s Responsibilities

Susie is an administrative assistant in a small company that plans training sessions for industry. She’s responsible for booking the training sessions and managing the speakers’ schedules. A co-worker. Jack, is responsible for the training facilities. He takes the materials to the site, sets up the equipment, and orders the food. Together, Susie and Jack make the events happen.

After a few months of really liking her work, Susie began to lose energy. Eventually, her friend and co-worker, Lynda, asked her what was wrong. Susie couldn’t put her finger on the problem at first. Then she realized: The problem was Jack!

Jack had been asking Susie to “pick this up for me while you’re out,” or “please bring this box of materials to the workshop.” Slowly, Jack was shifting his responsibilities onto Susie.

“You have to stop doing Jack’s work,” Lynda told Susie. “Just do your own work and don’t worry about him.”

“But what if things go wrong?” Susie asked.

Lynda shrugged. “Then they’ll blame Jack. It’s not your responsibility.”

“Jack will be angry with me for not helping,” Susie said.

“Let him,” said Lynda. “His anger can’t hurt you as much as his poor work habits can.”

So Susie began to set limits on Jack. She told him, “I will not have time to bring the materials for you this week.” And when Jack ran out of time to do things himself, Susie said, “I’m sorry that you have not done that before now, and I understand that you are in a bind. Maybe next time you will plan better. That’s not my job.”

Some trainers were angry that their equipment was not set up, and customers were angry that no food was provided for the break. But the boss tracked down the problem to the person who was responsible—Jack—and told him to shape up, or find another job. In the end, Susie began to like again, and Jack began to get more responsible. All because Susie set boundaries and stuck to them.

If you are being saddled with another person’s responsibilities and feel resentful, you need to take responsibility for your feelings, and realize that your unhappiness is not your co-worker’s fault, but your own. In this as in any other boundary conflict, you first must take responsibility for boundary conflict, yourself.

Then you must act responsibly to your co-worker. Go to your co-worker and explain your situation. When he asks you to do something that is not your responsibility, say no and refuse to do whatever it is that he wants you to do. If he angry at you for saying no, be firm about your boundaries and angry at you for saying no, be firm about your boundaries and empathize with his anger. Don’t get angry back. To fight anger with anger is to get hooked into his game. Keep your emotional distance and say, “I am sorry if this upsets you. But that job is not my responsibility. I hope you get it! Worked out.”

If he continues to argue, tell him that you are finished discussing it; he can come and find you when he is ready to talk about something else. Do not fall into the trap of justifying why you can’t do his work for him. You will be slipping into his thinking that you should do his work if you are able to, and he will try to find a way that you can. You owe no one an explanation about why you will not do something: that is not your responsibility.

Many over-responsible people who work next to under-responsible people bear the consequences for their coworkers. Always covering for them, or bailing them out, they are not enjoying their work or their relationships with these people. Their lack of boundaries is hurting them, as well as keeping the other person from growing. If you are one of these people, you need to learn to set boundaries.

Sometimes, however, a co-worker will genuinely need some extra help. It is perfectly legitimate to bail out a responsible co-worker, or to make special concessions to a colleague who uses those concessions responsibly to get well. This is love, and good companies operate lovingly.

In our work as psychologists at the same hospital, we often cover hospital duty for each other or take each other’s on call” time. But if one of us started taking advantage of the other, we would need to stop that. Covering for the other at that point would not be helpful, but would enable a bad pattern.

Favors and sacrifices are part of the Christian life. Enabling is not. Learn to tell the difference by seeing if your giving is helping the other to become better or worse. The Bible requires responsible action out of the one who is given to. If you do not see it after a season, set limits (Luke 13:9).

Problem #2: Working Too Much Overtime

When I first went into practice, I hired a woman for twenty hours a week to run my office. On her second day in the office, I gave her a pile of things to do. About ten minutes later, she knocked at my door, stack of papers in hand.

“What can I do for you, Laurie?” I asked.

“You have a problem,” she told me.

“I do? What is it?” I asked, not having the vaguest idea what she was talking about.

“You hired me for twenty hours a week, and you have just given me about forty hours of work. Which twenty would you like done?”

She was right. I did have a problem. I had not managed my workload very well. I was either going to have to spend more on help, cut back on projects, or hire someone else. But she was right: it was my problem, not hers. I had to take responsibility for it and fix it. Laurie was telling me what that ever-present sign says: “Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.”

Many bosses aren’t so lucky. Their employees take responsibility for their lack of planning and never set limits on them. They are never forced to look at their lack of boundaries until it’s too late, until they have lost a good employee to exhaustion or burnout. Such bosses need clear limits, but many employees are afraid to set them, as Laurie did, because they need the job or they fear disapproval.

If you are in a situation in which you’re doing lots of extra work because you “need the job” and because you are afraid of being let go, you have a problem. If you are working more overtime than you want to, you are in bondage to your job. You are a slave, not an employee under contract. Clear and responsible contracts tell all parties involved what is expected of them, and they can be enforced. Jobs should have clear descriptions of duties and qualifications.

As hard as it sounds, you need to take responsibility for yourself and take steps to change your situation. Here are some suggested steps you may wish to take:

1. Set boundaries on your work. Decide how much overtime you are willing to do. Some overtime during seasonal crunches may be expected of you.

2. Review your job description, if one exists.

3. Make a list of the tasks you need to complete in the next month. Make a copy of the list and assign your own priority to each item. Indicate on this copy any tasks that are not part of your job description.

4. Make an appointment to see your boss to discuss your job overload. Together you should review the list of tasks need to complete in the next month. Have your boss prioritize the tasks. If your boss wants all the tasks done, and you cannot complete these tasks in the time you are willing to give, your boss may need to hire temporary help to complete those tasks. You may also wish to review your job description with your boss at this time if you think you are doing things that fall outside your domain.

If your boss still has unreasonable expectations of you, you may wish to take a co-worker or two along with you to a second meeting (according to the biblical model in Matthew 18), or you may wish to discuss your problem with the appropriate person in your personnel department. If even then he remains unreasonable about what he thinks you can accomplish, you may need to begin looking for other job opportunities within your company or outside.

You may need to go to night school and get some further training to open up other opportunities. You may need to chase down hundreds or employment ads and send out stacks of resumes. (Consult the book How to Get a Job by James Bramlett for information on job searches.) You may wish to start your own business. You may wish to start an emergency fund to survive between quitting your present Job and starting a new one.

Whatever you do, remember that your job overload is your responsibility and your problem. If your job is driving you crazy, you need to do something about it. Own the problem. Stop being a victim of an abusive situation and start setting some limits.

Problem #3: Misplaced Priorities

We have talked about setting limits on someone else. You also need to set limits on yourself. You need to realize how much time and energy you have, and manage your work accordingly. Know what you can do and when you can do it, and say no to everything else. Learn to know your limits and enforce them, as Laurie did. Say to your team or your boss, “If I am going to do A today, I will not be able to do B until Wednesday. Is that okay or do we need to rethink which one I need to be working on?”

Effective workers do two things: they strive to do excellent work, and they spend their time on the most important things. Many people do excellent work but allow themselves to get sidetracked by unimportant things; they may do unimportant things very well! They feel like they are doing a great job, but their boss is upset because essential goals are not being met. Then they feel unappreciated and resentful because they have put out so much effort. They were working hard, but they weren’t placing boundaries on what they allowed to take up their time, and the really important things did not get their attention.

Say no to the unimportant, and say no to the inclination to do less than your best. If you are doing your best work on the most important things, you will reach your goals.

In addition to saying no to the unimportant, you need to make a plan to accomplish the important things, and erect some fences around your tasks. Realize your limits, and make sure you do not allow work to control your life. Having limits will force you to prioritize. If you make a commitment to spend only so many hours a week on work, you will spend those hours more wisely. If you think your time is limitless, to spend only so many hours a week on work, you will spend those hours more wisely. If you think your time is limitless, you may say yes to everything. Say yes to the best, and sometimes you may need to say no to the good.

One man’s ministry required a lot of travel, so he and his wife put their heads together and decided that he would spend no more than one hundred nights a year on the road. When he gets an offer he has to check his time budget and see if this is something he wants to spend some of his nights on. This plan forces him to be more selective in his travel, thereby saving time for the rest of his life.

A company president who was allowing work to keep him away from home too much made a commitment to spend only forty hours a week in the office. At first, he really struggled because he wasn’t used to budgeting his time and commitments so closely. Slowly though, when he realized that he only had so much time, he began to spend it more wisely. He even got more accomplished because he was forced to work smarter.

Work will grow to fill the time you have set aside for it. If a meeting does not have an agenda with time limits, discussion could be endless. Allot time for certain things, and then keep your limits. You will work smarter and like your work more.

Take a lesson from Jethro, Moses’ father-in-law, who, seeing Moses’ lack of boundaries, asked him why he was working so hard (Exod. 18:14-27).

“Because the people need me,” Moses said.

“What you are doing is not good,” Jethro replied. “You and these people who come to you will only wear yourselves out. The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone” (vv. 17-18). Even though Moses was doing good work, Jethro saw that he was going to burn himself out. Moses had allowed good work to go too far. Limits on good things keen them good.

Problem #4: Difficult Co-workers

A personnel counselor will often send someone to our hospital program because of stress at work. When these situations are unraveled, the “stress at work” often turns out to be somebody at the office who is driving the stressed-out person crazy. This person in the office or workplace has a strong influence over the emotional life of the person in pain, and he or she does not know how to deal with it.

In this case you need to remember the Law of Power: You only have the power to change yourself. Yow can’t change another person. You must see yourself as the problem, not the other person. To see another person as the problem to be fixed is to give that person power over you and your well-being. Because you cannot change another person, you are out of control. The real problem lies in how you are relating to the problem person. You are the one in pain, and only you have the power to fix it.

Many people have found immense relief in the thought that they have no control over another person and that they must focus on changing their reactions to that person. They must refuse to allow that person to affect them. This idea is life changing, the beginning of true self-control.

Problem #5: Critical Attitudes

Stress is often caused by working with or for someone who is supercritical. People will get hooked into either trying to win over the critical person, which can almost never be done, or by allowing the person to provoke them to anger. Some people internalize the criticism and get down on themselves. All of these reactions indicate an inability to stand apart from the critical person and keep one’s boundaries.

Allow these critical people to be who they are, but keep yourself separate from them and do not internalize their opinion of you. Make sure you have a more accurate appraisal of yourself, and then disagree internally.

You may also want to confront the overly critical person according to the biblical model (Matt. 18). At first tell her how you feel about her attitude and the way it affects you. If she is wise, she will listen to you. If not, and her attitude is disruptive to others as well, two or more of you might want to talk to her. If she will not agree to change, you may want to tell her that you do not wish to talk with her until she gets her attitude under control.

Or you can follow the company’s grievance policy. The important thing to remember is that you can’t control her, but you can choose to limit your exposure to her, either physically or emotionally distancing yourself from her. This is self-control.

Avoid trying to gain the approval of this sort of person. It will never work, and you will only feel controlled. And avoid getting in arguments and discussions. You will never win. Remember the proverb, “Whoever corrects a mocker invites insult; whoever rebukes a wicked man incurs abuse. Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you; rebuke a wise man and he will love you” (Prov. 9:7-8). If you allow them to draw thinking that you will change them, you are asking them for trouble. Stay separate. Keep your boundaries. Don’t get sucked into their game.

Problem #6: Conflicts with Authority

If you are having trouble getting along with your boss, you may be having “transference feelings.” Transference is when you experience feelings in the present that really belong to some unfinished business in the past.

Transference happens frequently with bosses because they are authority figures. The boss-employee relationship can trigger authority conflicts you might have. You can begin to have strong reactions that are not appropriate to the current relationship.

Suppose your supervisor tells you that he wants something done differently. Immediately you feel “put down.” You think, He never thinks I do anything right. I’ll show him. Your supervisor may have made the comment in passing, but the feelings it triggered were very strong indeed. The reality is that the interaction may be tapping into unresolved hurt from past authority relationships, such as parents or teachers.

When a transference relationship starts, you may begin to act out all the old patterns you did with parents. This never works. You become a child on the job.

To have boundaries is to take responsibility for your transference. If you find yourself having strong reactions to someone, take some time and look inside to see if the feelings are familiar. Do they remind you of someone from the past? Did Mom or Dad treat you like that? Do they have the same personality as this person?

You are responsible for working out these feelings. Until you face your own feelings, you can’t even see who others really are. You are looking at them through your own distortions, through your own unfinished business. When you see others clearly without transference, you will know how to deal with them.

Another example would be strong feelings of competition with a co-worker. This may represent some competitive relationship from the past, such as sibling rivalry, that has not been worked through. Whenever you experience strong feelings, see them as part of your responsibility. This will lead you to any unfinished business and healing, as well as keep you from acting irrationally toward co-workers and bosses. Leave the past in the past, deal with it, and do not allow it to interfere with present relationships.

Problem #7: Expecting Too Much of Work

People increasingly come to the workplace wanting the company be a “family.” In a society where the family, church, and community are not the support structures they once were, people look to their colleagues for the emotional support a family once provided. This lack of boundaries between the personal and work life is fraught with all sorts difficulties.

The workplace ideally should be supportive, safe, and nurturing. But this atmosphere should primarily support the employee in work-related ways—to help her learn, improve, and get a job done. The problem arises when someone wants the job to provide what he the job to provide what her parents did not provide for her: primary nurturing, relationship, self-esteem, and approval. Work is not set up this way, nor is it what the typical job asks of someone. The inherent conflict in this set-up is this: The job expects adult functioning, and the person wants childhood needs met. These differing expectations will inevitably collide.

Health comes from owning unmet childhood needs and working them out. The problem is that the workplace is not the place to do that. There are expectations at work. They will ask from you without giving because they are going to pay you for your work. They are not obligated to provide all the emotional support you need.

You need to make sure you are meeting your needs for support and emotional repair outside of work. Plug into supportive and healing networks that will help you to grow out of your emotional hurts and unmet needs, and build you up so you can function well at the job, in the adult world that has adult expectations. Get your relationship needs met outside of work, and then you will be able to work the best without getting your needs mixed up with what the company needs from you. Keep your boundaries firm; protect those hurt places from the workplace, which is not only not set up to heal, but also may wound unintentionally.

Problem #8: Taking Work-Related Stress Home

Just as we should keep good boundaries on our personal issues and keep them out of the workplace, we need to keep some boundaries on work and keep it out of the home. This generally has two components.

The first is emotional. Conflicts at work need to be dealt with and worked through so they do not begin to affect the rest of your life. If denied, they can cause major depressions and other illnesses that begin to spill over into other areas of life.

Make sure you understand work issues and face them directly so that work does not emotionally control your life. Find out why a certain co-worker is able to get to you, or why your boss is able to control the rest of your life. Find out why your successes or failures on the job are able to bring you up or down. These important character issues need to be worked through. Otherwise, the job will own you.

The second component is finite things such as time, energy, and other resources. Make sure that the job, which is literally never done, does not continue to spill over into personal life and cost you relationships and other things that matter. Put limits on special projects that are going to take more time than usual, and make sure overtime does not become a pattern. One company we know has such a high value for family that they dock people for working overtime! They want them to put limits on their work and be home with the family. Find out your own limits and live by them. These are good boundaries.

Problem #9; Disliking Your Job

Boundaries are where our identity comes from. Boundaries define what is me and what is not me. Our work is part of our identity in that it taps into our particular giftedness and the exercise of those gifts in the community.

However, many people are unable to ever find a true work identity. They stumble from job to job, never really finding anything that is “them.” More often than not, this is a boundary problem. They have not been able to own their own gifts, talents, wants, desires, and dreams because they are unable to set boundaries on others’ definitions and expectations of them.

This happens with people who have not separated from church and the family they grew up in. A pastor was having great difficulty with his church and the board of elders. Finally, right in the middle of a consistory meeting, he said, “I never wanted to be a pastor anyway. It was my mother’s wish, not mine.” He did not have good enough boundaries with his mother to define his own career path. As a result, he had fused with her wishes and was miserable. His heart had not been in it from the start.

This can happen also with friends and culture. Others’ expectations can be very strong influences. You must make sure that your boundaries are strong enough that you do not let others define you. Instead, work with God to find out who you really are and what kind of work you are made for. Romans 12:2 speaks of having boundaries against these kinds of pressures from others: “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” You should have a realistic expectation of yourself based on who you really are, your own true self with your own particular giftedness. You can only do this with boundaries that stand up and say, “This is me, and that is not me.’ Stand up against others’ expectations of you.

Finding Your Life’s Work

Finding your life’s work involves taking risks. First you need to firmly establish your identity, separating yourself from those you are attached to and following your desires. You must take ownership of how you feel, how you think, and what you want. You must assess your talents and limitations. And then you must begin to step out as God leads you.

For God wants you to discover and use your gifts to his glory. He asks only that you include him in the process: “Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this” (Ps. 37:4-5).

God also, however, calls you to be accountable for what you do: “Follow the ways of your heart and whatever your eyes see, but know that for all these things God will bring you to judgment” (Eccl. 11:9).

As you develop your talents, look at your work as a partnership between you and God. He has given you gifts, and he wants you to develop them. Commit your way to the Lord, and you will find your work identity. Ask him to help.

Boundaries and Your Children

2008-07-01T17:06:00.000+08:00

Shannon couldn’t stop crying. A young mother of two preschool children, she couldn’t imagine herself being angry, out of control, and certainly not abusive. Yet a week ago, she had picked up three-year—old Robby and shaken him. Hard. She had screamed at him. Loudly. And it wasn’t the first time, She had done it numerous times in the past year. The only difference was that this time, Shannon almost physically injured her son. She was frightened.

The experience had so shaken Shannon and her husband, Gerald that they called and made an appointment with me to discuss what had happened. Her shame and guilt were intense. She avoided eye contact with me as she told her story.

The several hours before Shannon had lost control with Robby had been horrible. Gerald and she had had an argument over breakfast. He had left for work without saying good-bye. Then one-year-old Tanya spilled cereal all over the floor. And Robby chose that morning to do everything he’d been told not to for the past three years. He pulled the cat’s tail. He figured out how to open the front door, and he ran outside into the yard and into the street. He smeared Shannon’s lipstick all over the white dining room wall, and he pushed Tanya to the floor

This last incident was the straw that broke Shannon’s back. Seeing Tanya lying on the floor, crying, with Robby standing over her with a defiantly pleased look, was too much. Shannon saw red and impulsively ran to her son. You know the rest of the story.

After she had calmed down a little, I asked Shannon how she and Gerald normally disciplined Robby.

“Well, we don’t want to alienate Robby, or quench his spirit,” Gerald began. “Being negative is so … so … negative. So we try to reason with him. Sometimes we’ll warn him that ‘you won’t get ice cream tonight.’ Sometimes we try to praise good things he does. And sometimes we try to ignore the bad behavior. Then maybe he’ll stop it.”

“Doesn’t he push the limits?”

Both parents nodded. “You wouldn’t believe it,” Shannon said. “It’s like he doesn’t hear us. He keeps on doing what he jolly well pleases. And generally, he’ll keep it up until one of us explodes and yells at him. I guess we just have a problem child.”

“Well, there’s certainly a problem, I replied. “But perhaps Robby has been trained to not respond to anything but out-of-control rage. Let’s talk about boundaries and kids….”

Of all the areas in which boundaries are crucially important, none is more relevant than that of raising children. How we approach boundaries and child rearing will have enormous impact on the characters of our kids. On how they develop values. On how well they do in school. On the friends they pick. On whom they marry. And on how well they do in a career.

The Importance of Family

God, at his deepest level, is a lover (1 John 4:8). He is relationally oriented and relationally driven. He desires connection with us from womb to tomb: “I have loved you with an everlasting love” (Jer. 31:3). God’s loving nature isn’t passive. It’s active. Love multiplies itself. God the relational Lover is also God the aggressive Creator. He wants to fill up his universe with beings who care for him— and for each other.

The family is the social unit God invented to fill up the world with representatives of his loving character. It’s a place for nurturing and developing babies until they’re mature enough to go out of the family as adults and to multiply his image in other surroundings.

God first picked the nation Israel to be his children. After centuries of resistance by Israel, however, God chose the church: “Because of [Israel’s] transgression, salvation has come to the Gentiles to make Israel envious” (Rom. 11:11). The body of Christ has the same role as Israel had—to multiply God’s love and character.

The church is often described as a family. We are to do good “especially to those who belong to the family of believers (Gal. 6:10). Believers “are members of God’s household” (Eph. 2:19). We are to “know how people ought to conduct themselves in God’s household” (1 Tim. 3:15).

These and many other powerful passages show us how God “thinks family.” He explains his heart as a parent would. He’s a daddy. He likes his job. This biblical portrayal of God helps show us how parenting is such a vital part of bringing God’s own character to this planet in our own little ones.

Boundaries and Responsibility

God, the good parent, wants to help us, his children, grow up. He wants to see us “become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ” (Eph. 4:13). Part of this maturing process is helping us know how to take responsibility for our lives.

It’s the same with our own flesh-and-blood kids. Second only to learning how to bond, to form strong attachments, the most important thing parents can give children is a sense of responsibility —knowing what they are responsible for and knowing what they aren’t responsible for, knowing how to say no and knowing how to accept no. Responsibility is a gift of enormous value.

We’ve all been around middle-aged people who have the boundaries of an eighteen-month-old. They have tantrums or sulk when others set limits on them, or they simply fold and comply with others just to keep the peace. Remember that these adult people started off as little people. They learned long, long ago to either fear or hate boundaries. The relearning process for adults is laborious.

Instilling vs. Repairing Boundaries

A wise mother of adult children once watched her younger friend struggle with her youngster. The child was refusing to behave, and the young mother was quickly losing her mind. Affirming the mother’s decision to make the child sit on a chair by himself, the older woman said, “Do it now, Dear. Discipline the child now—and you just might survive adolescence.

Developing boundaries in young children is that proverbial ounce of prevention. If we teach responsibility, limit setting, and delay of gratification early on, the smoother our children’s later years of life will be. The later we start, the harder we and they have to work.

If you’re a parent of older children, don’t lose heart. It just means boundary development will be met with more resistance. In their minds, they do not have a lot to gain by learning boundaries. You’ll need to spend more time working on it, getting more support from friends—and praying harder! We’ll review age- appropriate boundary tasks for the different stages of childhood later in this chapter.

Boundary Development in Children

The work of boundary development in children is the work of learning responsibility. As we teach them the merits and limits of responsibility, we teach them autonomy—we prepare them to take on the tasks of adulthood.

The Scriptures have much to say about the role of boundary setting in child rearing. Usually, we call it discipline. The Hebrew and Greek words that scholars translate as “discipline” mean “teaching.” This teaching has both a positive and a negative slant.

The positive facets of discipline are proactivity, prevention, and instruction. Positive discipline is sitting someone down to educate and train him in a task: fathers are to raise children “in the training and instruction of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4). The negative facets of discipline are correction, chasetisement, and consequences. Negative discipline is letting children suffer the results of their actions to learn a lesson in responsibility: “Stern discipline awaits him who leaves the path” (Prov. 15:10).

Good child rearing involves both preventive training and practice, and correctional consequences. For example, you set a ten o’clock bedtime for your fourteen-year-old. “It’s there so that you’ll get enough sleep to be alert in school, you tell her. You’ve just disciplined positively. Then your teen dawdles until 11:30 P.M. The next day you say, “Because you did not get to bed on time last night, you may not use the phone today.” You’ve just disciplined negatively.

Why are both the carrot and the whip necessary in good boundary development? Because God uses practice—trial and error—to help us grow up. We learn maturity by getting information, applying it poorly, making mistakes, learning from our mistakes, and doing better the next time.

Practice is necessary in all areas of life: in learning to ski, write an essay, or operate a computer. We need practice in developing a deep love relationship and in learning to study the Bible. And it’s just as true in our spiritual and emotional growth: “But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil” (Heb.5:14). Practice is important in learning boundaries and responsibility. Our mistakes are our teachers.

Discipline is an external boundary, designed to develop internal boundaries in our children. It provides a structure of safety until the child has enough structure in his character to not need it. Good discipline always moves the child toward more internal structure and more responsibility.

We need to distinguish between discipline and punishment. Punishment is payment for wrongdoing. Legally, it’s paying a penalty for breaking the law. Punishment doesn’t leave a lot of room for practice, however. It’s not a great teacher. The price is too high: “The wages of sin is death” (Rom. 6:23), and whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it” (James 2:10). Punishment does not leave much room for mistakes.

Discipline, however, is different. Discipline is not payment for a wrong. It’s the natural law of God: our actions reap consequences.

Discipline is different from punishment because God is finished punishing us. Punishment ended on the cross for all those who accept Christ as Savior: “He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree” (1 Peter 2:24). Christ’s suffering paid for our wrongdoing.

In addition, discipline and punishment have a different relationship to time. Punishment looks back. It focuses on making payment for wrongs one in the past. Christ’s suffering was payment, for example, for our sin. Discipline, however, looks forward. The lessons we learn from discipline help us to not make the same mistakes again: God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness”(Heb.12: 10).

How does that help us? It frees us to make mistakes without fear of judgment, without fear of loss of relationship: “Therefore, there is now not condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Rom 8:1). The freedom of the cross allows us to practice without having to pay a terrible price. The only danger is consequences — not isolation and judgment.

Take, for example, the mother who tells her ten-year-old, “You smart off again, and I won’t love you anymore. The youngster is immediately in a no-win situation. She can either rebel and lose her most important relationship in life, or she can comply and become externally obedient, losing any chance of practicing confrontational skills. Now, compare that response with this, I’ll never stop loving you. That’s a constant in my heart. However, if you smart off again you’ve lost your boom box for three days.” The relationship is still intact. There’s no condemnation. And the child gets an opportunity to choose responsibility or suffer consequences—with no risk of loosing love and safety. This is the way to maturity, to learning to eat solid food: the safe practice of discipline.

The Boundary Needs of Children

What specific needs do boundaries meet in our kids? Limit-setting abilities have several important jobs that will pay enormous dividends throughout life.

Self-Protection

Have you ever seen anything more helpless than the human infant? Human babies are less able to take care of themselves than animal babies. God designed the newborn months as a means for the mother and father (or another caregiver) to connect deeply with their infant, knowing that without their minute-by-minute care, the baby would not survive. All this time and energy translates into an enduring attachment, in which the child learns to feel safe in the world.

God’s program of maturation, however, doesn’t stop there. Mom and Dad can’t always be there to care and provide. The task of protection needs to ultimately pass on to the children. When they grow up, they need to protect themselves.

Boundaries are our way of protecting and safeguarding our souls. Boundaries are designed to keep the good in and the bad out. And skills such as saying no, telling the truth, and maintaining physical distance need to be developed in the family structure to allow the child to take on the responsibility of self-protection.

Consider the following two twelve-year-old boys:

Jimmy is talking with his parents at the dinner table. “Guess what —some kids wanted me to smoke pot with them. When I told them I didn’t want to, they said I was a sissy. I told them they were dumb. I like some of them, but if they can’t like me because I don’t smoke pot, I guess they aren’t really my friends.”

Paul comes home after school with red eyes, slurred speech, and coordination difficulties. When asked by his concerned parents what is wrong, he denies everything until, finally, he blurts out, “Everybody’s doing it. Why do you hate my friends?”

Both Jimmy and Paul come from Christian homes with lots of love and an adherence to biblical values. Why did they turn out so differently? Jimmy’s family allowed disagreements between parent and child and gave him practice in the skill of boundary setting, even with them. Jimmy’s mom would be holding and hugging her two-year-old when he would get fidgety. He’d say, “Down,” meaning, “Let me get a little breathing space, Ma.” Fighting her own impulses to hold on to her child, she would set him down on the floor and say, “Wanna play with your trucks?”

Jimmy’s dad used the Salute philosophy. When wrestling with his Son on the floor, he tried to pay attention to Jimmy’s limits. When the going got too rough, or when jimmy was tired, he could say, “Stop, Daddy,” and Dad would get up. They’d go to another game.

Jimmy’ was receiving boundary training, He was learning that when he was scared, in discomfort, or wanted to change things, he could say no. This is little word gave him a sense of power in his life. It took him out of a helpless or compliant position. And Jimmy could say it without receiving an angry and hurt response, or a manipulative countermove, such as. “But Jimmy, Mommy needs to hold you now, okay?”

Jimmy learned from infancy on that his boundaries were good and that he could use them to protect himself. He learned to resist things that weren’t good for him.

A hallmark of Jimmy’s family was permission to disagree. When, for example, Jimmy would fight his parents about his bedtime, they never withdrew or punished him for disagreeing. Instead, they would listen to his reasoning, and. if it seemed appropriate, they would change their minds. If not, they would maintain their boundaries.

Jimmy was also given a vote in some family matters. When family night out would come up, his parents listened to his opinion on whether they should go to a movie, play board games, or play basketball. Was this a family with no limits? On the contrary! It was a family who took boundary setting seriously—as a skill to develop in its children.

This was good practice for resisting in the evil day (Eph. 5:16), when some of Jimmy’s friends turned on him and pressured him to take drugs. How was Jimmy able to refuse? Because by then, he’d had ten or eleven years of practice disagreeing with people who were important to him without losing their love. He didn’t fear abandonment in standing up against his friends. He’d done it many times successfully with his family with no loss of love.

Paul, on the other hand, came from a different family setting. In his home, no had two different responses. His mom would be hurt and withdraw and pout. She would send guilt messages, such as “How can you say no to your mom who loves you?” His dad would get angry, threaten him, and say things like, “Don’t talk back to me, Mister.”

It didn’t take long for Paul to learn that to have his way, he had to be externally compliant. He developed a strong yes on the outside, seeming to agree with his Family’s values and control. Whatever he thought about a subject—the dinner menu, TV restrictions, church choices, clothes, or curfews— he stuffed inside.

Once, when he had tried to resist his mother’s hug, she had immediately withdrawn from him, pushing him away with the words. “Someday you’ll feel sorry for hurting your mother’s feelings like that.” Day by Day, Paul was being trained to not set limits.

As a result of his learned boundarylessness, Paul seemed to be a content, respectful son. The teens, however, are a crucible for kids. We find out what kind of character has actually been built into our children during this difficult passage.

Paul Folded. He gave in to his friends’ pressure. Is it any wonder that the first people he said no to were his parents— at twelve years old? Resentment and the years of not having boundaries were beginning to erode the compliant, easy-to-live-with false self he’d developed to survive.

Taking Responsibility for One’s Needs

The group therapy session I was leading was quiet. I’d just asked Janice an unanswerable question. The question was, “What do you need? She looked confused, became thoughtful, and sat back in her chair.

Janice had just described a week of painful loss: her husband had made moves to separate, her kids were out of control, and her job was in jeopardy. The concern on the faces of the group members, who were all working on issues of attachment and safety, was evident. Yet no one knew quite how to help. So when I asked the question, I was asking it for all of us. But Janice couldn’t answer.

This was typical of Janice’s background. She’d spent most of her childhood taking responsibility for her parents’ feelings. The peacemaker of the house, she was always smoothing over the ruffled feathers of either parent, with soothing words like, “Mom, I’m sure Dad didn’t mean to blow up at you—he’s had a rough day.”

The result of such unbiblical responsibility toward her family was clear in Janice’s life: a sense of over responsibility for others and a lack of attunement toward her own needs. Janice had radar out for the hurts of others; but the radar pointed her way was broken. It was no wonder she couldn’t answer my question. Janice didn’t understand her own God given, legitimate needs. She had no vocabulary for this thinking.

The story doles, however, have a happy ending. One of the group members said, “If I were in your shoes, I know what I’d need. I’d really need to know that you people in this room cared for me, that you didn’t see me as a colossal, shameful failure, and that you’d pray for me and let me call you on the phone this week for support.

Janice’s eyes began watering. Something about her fiend’s empathic statement touched her in a place she couldn’t herself touch. And she allowed the comfort that comes from others who have been comforted to take its place inside her (2 Cor. 1:4).

Janice’s story illustrates the second fruit of boundary development in our children: the ability to take ownership of, or responsibility for, our own needs. God intends for us to know when we’re hungry, lonely, in trouble, overwhelmed, or in need of a break—and then to take initiative to get what we need. The Scriptures present Jesus as understanding this point when he left a crowd of people in a boat in a time of great ministry and need: “because so many people were coming and going that [he and his disciples] did not even have a chance to eat” (Mark 6:31).

Boundaries play a primary role in this process. Our limits create a spiritual and emotional space, a separateness, between ourselves and others. This allows our needs to be heard and understood. Without a solid sense of boundaries, it becomes difficult to filter out our needs from those of others. There is too much static in the relationship.

When children can be taught to experience their own needs, as opposed to those of others, they have been given a genuine advantage in life. They are able to better avoid the burnout that comes from not taking care of one’s self.

How can we help tour children experience their own individual needs? The best thing a parent can do is too encourage verbal expression of those needs, even when they don’t “go with the family flow.” When children have permission to ask for something that goes against the grain— even though they might not receive it—they develop a sense of what they need.

Below are some ways you can help your children:

• Allow them to talk about their anger.

• Allow them to express grief, loss, or sadness without trying to cheer them up and talk them out of their feelings.

• Encourage then too ask questions and not assume your words are the equivalent of Scripture (this takes a pretty secure parent!).

• Ask them what they are feeling when they seen isolated or distressed; help them put words to their negative feelings. Do not try to keep things light for a false sense of cooperation and family closeness.

The first aspect of taking ownership over one’s needs, then, is too identify them. That’s where our spiritual radar comes in. Janice’s radar was broken amid undeveloped, and she wasn’t able to identify her needs.

The second aspect of taking ownership is to initiate responsible caretaking for ourselves—as opposed to placing the burden on someone else. We must allow our children to experience the painful consequences of their own irresponsibility and mistakes. This is the “training” of Hebrews 5:14 and the “discipline” of Hebrews 12. By the time they are ready to leave home, our children should have internalized a deep sense of personal responsibility for their lives. They should hold these convictions:

• My success or failure in life largely depends on me.

• Though I am to look to God and others for comfort and instruction, I alone am responsible for my choices.

• Though I am deeply affected by my significant relationships throughout my life, I can’t blame my problems on anyone but myself.

• Though I will always will fail and need support, I can’t depend on some over responsible individual to constantly bail me out of spiritual, emotional, financial, or relational crises.

This sense of “my life is up to me” is founded in God’s concern that we take responsibility for our lives. He wants us to use our talents in productive ways, as Jesus discussed in the parable of the talents (Matt. 25:14-30). And this sense of responsibility will follow us all through our adult lives—and even beyond the grave, at the judgment seat of Christ.

You can imagine how well not taking ownership over our lives will come across to the Lord then: “But I had a dysfunctional family.” “But I was lonely.” “But I didn’t have much energy.” The rationalizing “but” will have as much impact as the excuses of the servant in the parable of the talents did. This isn’t to say that we aren’t deeply influenced for better or worse by our backgrounds and our various stressors. We certainly are. But we are ultimately responsible for what we do with our injured, immature souls.

Wise parents allow their children to undergo “safe suffering.” “Safe suffering” means allowing a child to experience age-appropriate consequences. Allowing a six-year-old to go outside after dark isn’t training her for adulthood. She is making decision that she doesn’t have the maturity to make. She shouldn’t be placed in a position of making these choices in the first plane.

Pat’s parents allowed their daughter to experience safe suffering. At the start of senior high, they gave Pat an entire semester’s allowance. Pat was responsible for paying for her school meals, clothing, social outings, and extracurricular activities. The amount was enough for this and a little more. On the surface it looked like a teenager’s dream—all this money and no restrictions on how she spent it!

The first semester Pat bought some beautiful outfits. She went out to lots of functions with her friends. And she even treated them several times. That lasted for about one month out of the three and a half. The next two and a half months were lean ones. Pat stayed home a lot, saving her remaining money for school lunches, and she wore her new outfits over and over again.

The next semester was better—and by the beginning of her sophomore year, she had established a bank account and a workable budget. Pat was developing boundaries. Normally a budding shopping addict, she began saying no to clothes, CD’s, food, and magazines that normally would have been a minimum requirement for her. She began learning to take responsibility for her own life. And she didn’t end up like many college graduates who, after years of having someone else bail them out, can’t cook, clean, or keep a checkbook balanced.

It’s important to tie consequences as closely to the actions of the child as possible. This best replicates real life.

Homework projects are another area in which parents can either help the child take on responsibility—or create the illusion of the eternal, omnipresent parent who will always take up the slack. It’s difficult when your child comes to you tearfully, saying, “I have a ten-page report clue tomorrow— and I just started.” Our impulse, as loving parents, is to bail them out by doing the research, nor the organization, or the typing. Or all three.

Why do we do this? Because we love our kids. We long for the best for them just as God longs for the best for us. And yet, just as God allows us too experience our failures, we may need to let our kids mar a good report card with a bad grade. This is often the consequence of not planning ahead.

Having a Sense of Control and Choice

“I won’t go to the dentist—and you can’t make me go!” Pamela stamped her eleven-year-old feet and scowled at her father, Sal, who was waiting at the front door.

There had been a time when Sal would have reacted in a knee-jerk fashion to Pamela’s power move. He would have said something like, “Well, we’ll see about that!” and physically dragged the screaming child into the car.

However, lots not family no counseling and reading up on these issues had prepared Sal for the inevitable. Calmly he said to her, “You’re absolutely right, Honey. I can’t make you go to the dentist. If you don’t want to go, you don’t have to. But remember our rule: if you choose not to go, you’re also choosing not to go to the party tomorrow night. I’ll certainly respect either decision. Shall I cancel your appointment?’

Pamela looked perplexed and thought a minute. Then, slowly, she replied, “I’ll go. But I’m not going because I have to.” Pamela was right. She was choosing to go to her appointment because she wanted to attend the party.

Children need to have a sense of control and choice in their lives. They need to see themselves not as the dependent, helpless pawns of parents, but as choosing, willing, initiative-taking agents of their own lives.

Children begin life in a helpless, dependent fashion. Godly parenting, however, seeks to help children learn to think, make decisions, and master their environment in all aspects of life. This runs the gamut of deciding what too wear in the morning to what courses to take in school. Learning to make age-appropriate decisions helps children have a sense of security and control in their lives.

Anxious and well—meaning parents attempt too prevent their children from making painful decisions. They shield them from fouling up and skinning their knees. Their motto is, “Here, let me decide that for you.” The result is that kids become atrophied in a very important part of the image of God that should be developing in their character: their assertion, or change-making abilities. Children need a sense that their lives, their destinies are largely theirs to determine, within the province of God’s sovereignty. This helps them weigh choices, rather than avoid them. They learn to appreciate the consequences of choices made, rather than resenting the choices made for them.

Delaying Gratification of Goals

The word now was made for young children. It’s where they live. Try telling a two-year-old she can have dessert tomorrow. She doesn’t buy it. That means “never” to her. Newborns, in fact, don’t have the capacity to understand “later.” That’s why a six-month-old panics when Mom leaves the room. He is convinced that she is irrevocably gone forever.

Yet, sometime in our development we learn the value of “later,” of delaying one good for a greater good. We call this skill delay of gratification. It’s the ability to say no to our impulses, wishes, and desires for some gain down the road.

The Scriptures place great value on this ability. God uses this skill too help us see the benefits of planning and preparing. Jesus is our prime example. “Who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God” (Heb. 12:2).

Generally, this skill isn’t relevant until after the first year of life, as bonding needs take precedence during that time. However, teaching delay of gratification can begin quickly boy the beginning of the Second year. Dessert comes after carrots, not before.

Older children also need to learn this skill. The family can’t buy certain clothes or recreational items until later in the year. Again, the boundaries developed during this process are invaluable later in life. They can prevent a child from becoming an adult who is a broken, chaotic, impulse-driven slave too Madison Avenue. Our children can become like ants, who are self-sufficient, instead of sluggards, who are always in crisis (Prov. 6:6-11).

Learning how too delay gratification helps children have a goal orientation. They learn to save time and money for things that are important too them, and they value what they have chosen to buy. One family I know had the son save up his money for his first car. He began with a plan, with Dad’s help, when he was thirteen. When all his weekend amid summer jobs finally paid off in a car when he was sixteen, he treated that car like it was fine china—you could eat lunch off the hood. He had counted the cost, and valued the result (Luke 14:28).

Respecting the Limits of Others

From an early age, children need to be able to accept the limits of parents, siblings, and friends. They need to know that others don’t always want to play with them, that others may not want to watch the same TV shows they want, and that others may want to eat dinner at a different restaurant than they do. They need to know that the world doesn’t revolve around them.

This is important for a couple of reasons. First, the ability to learn to accept limits teaches us to take responsibility for ourselves. Knowing that others are not always available for us, at our beck and call, helps us too become inwardly directed instead of externally driven. It helps us carry our own knapsack.

Have you ever been around a child who can’t hear no, who keeps whining, cajoling, throwing a tantrum, or pouting till he gets his way? The problem is, the longer we hate and resist the limits of others, the more dependent we will be on others. We expect others to take care of us, rather than simply taking care of ourselves.

At any rate, God has constructed life itself to teach us this law. It’s the only way we can live on this planet together. Sooner on later, someone will say a no to us that we can’t ignore. It’s built into the fabric of life. Observe the progression of nos in the life of the person who resists others’ limits:

1. the no of parents

2. the no of siblings

3. the no of schoolteachers

4. the no of school friends

5. the no of bosses and supervisors

6. the no of spouses

7. the no of health problems from overeating, alcoholism, or an irresponsible lifestyle

8. the no of police, the courts, ana even prison

Some people learn to accept boundaries early in life, even as early as stage number one. But some people have to go all the way to number eight before they get the picture that we have to accept life’s limits: “Stop listening to instruction, my son, and you will stray from the words of knowledge” (Prov. 19:27). Many out-of-control adolescents don’t mature until their thirties, when they become tired of not having a steady job and a place to stay. They have to hit bottom financially, and sometimes they may even have to live on the streets for a while. In time, they begin sticking with a career, saving money, and starting to grow up. They gradually begin to accept life’s limits.

No matter how tough we think we are, there’s always someone tougher. If we don’t teach our children to take a no, someone who loves them far less may take on the job. Someone tougher. Someone stronger .And most parents would much rather spare having their children go through this suffering. The earlier we teach limits, the better.

A second, even more important, reason why accepting the limits of others is important for kids is this: Heeding others’ boundaries helps children to love. At its heart, the idea of respecting others’ boundaries is the basis for empathy, or loving others as we’d like to be loved. Children need to be given the grace of having their no respected, and they need to learn to give that same grace to others. As they feel empathy for the needs of others, they mature and deepen in their love for God and others. “We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19).

Say, for example, that your six-year-old accidentally but carelessly bonks you on the head hard with a softball. To ignore it, or act like it didn’t hurt, is to give the child the feeling that his actions have no impact. He can then avoid any sense of responsibility or awareness of others’ needs or hurts. However, telling him, I know you didn’t do it on purpose, but that ball really hurt me—try to be a little more careful” helps him see, without condemnation, that he can hurt people he loves and that his actions do matter.

If this principle isn’t taught, it’s difficult for children to grow up as loving people. Frequently, they become self-centered or controlling. At that point, God’s program of maturity is more difficult. A client of mine had been trained by his family to ignore others’ limits. His subsequent manipulation had landed him in jail for stealing. Yet this process, painful though it was, taught him empathy.

“I really never knew that other people had needs and hurts,” he once explained to me. “I was raised to concentrate on Number One. And when I began getting confronted on my lack of respect for others’ needs, something happened inside. A space opened up inside my heart for others. I didn’t ignore my own needs—but for the first time, I saw progress. I actually started feeling guilty about how my actions have hurt my wife and family.”

Did he have a long way to go? Absolutely. But he was on the right road. Learning boundaries later in life was a start to becoming an authentically, biblically loving person.

Seasonal Boundaries: Age-Appropriate Limits Training

If this was the first chapter you turned to when you glanced over the table of contents, chances are you’re a parent. Chances are also that you may be experiencing boundary difficulties with your children. Perhaps you’re reading this simply in an effort to prevent problems. But more likely you’re in some pain from which you need relief: Your newborn won’t stop shrieking. Your toddler runs the household. Your elementary school student has behavioral problems at school. Your junior high kid smarts off. Your high schooler is drinking.

All of these issues indicate possible boundary problems. And this section provides an outline on the age—appropriate boundary tasks your children should be learning. As parents, we need to take into consideration our children’s developmental needs and abilities to avoid asking them to do something they can’t do, or to avoid asking to little of them.

Below are the basic tasks for the different stages of childhood. For more detailed information on birth to age three, refer to chapter 4 on how boundaries are developed in childhood.

Birth to Five Months

At this stage, the newborn needs too establish an attachment with Mother, Dad, or the primary caregiver. A sense of belonging, of being safe and welcome are the tasks the child needs to accomplish. Setting limits is not as much an issue here as providing security for the infant.

The only real boundary here is the soothing presence of the mother. She protects the infant. Mom’s job is to help her newborn contain intense, frightening, and conflicting feelings. Left by themselves, infants are terrorized by their aloneness and lack of internal structure.

For centuries mothers—including Mary, Jesus’ mother— have swaddled their babies, or wrapped cloths tightly around them. While swaddling keeps the baby’s body heat regulated, the tight wrappings also help the infant feel safe— a sort of external boundary. The baby knows where he or she begins and ends. When newborns are undressed, they often panic about the loss of structure around them.

Some well-meaning Christian teachers call for infant training theories that schedule the feeding and holding of infants. These techniques try to teach an infant not to cry or demand comfort because “the child is in control instead of the parent,” or because “that demand is evidence of the child’s selfish, sinful nature.” These theories can be horribly destructive when not understood biblically on developmentally.

The screaming four-month-old child is trying to find out whether the world is a reasonably safe place or not. She is in a state of deep terror and isolation. She hasn’t learned too feel comfort when no one is around. To put her on the parents’ schedule instead of her own for holding and feeding is to “condemn the innocent,” as Jesus said (Matt. 12:7).

These teachers say their programs are biblical because they work. “When I stopped picking her up from her crib at night, my four-month-old stopped crying,” they’ll say. That may be true. But another explanation for the cessation of crying is infant depression, a condition in which the child gives up hope and withdraws. “Hope deferred makes the heart sick” (Prov. 13:12).

Teaching delay of gratification shouldn’t begin until after the first year of life, when a foundation of safety has been established between baby and mother. Just as grace always precedes truth (John 1:17), attachment must come before separation.

Five to Ten Months

As we learned in Chapter 4, children in the last half of the first year of life are in the “hatching” phase. They are learning that “Mother and I aren’t the same. There’s a scary, fascinating world out there that babies literally crawl toward. Though they have tremendous dependency needs, infants are beginning to move out of their oneness with their mom.

To help their children develop good boundaries during this stage, parents need to encourage attempts at separateness, while still being the anchors the child clings to. Allow your child to be fascinated with people and objects other than you. Make your home a safe place for your baby to explore.

Helping your children hatch, however, doesn’t mean neglecting the deep attachment necessary for their internal foundation, their rootedness and groundedness. This is still an infant’s primary work. You need to carefully tend to your child’s needs for bonding and emotional safety, while at the same time allowing the child to look outward, beyond you.

Many mothers find this transition from their child’s love affair with them to the big wide world difficult. The loss of such a deep intimacy is great, especially after the time spent in pregnancy and childbirth The responsible mother, however, will strive to get her own closeness needs met by other adults in her life. She will encourage the “hatching” of her baby, knowing she is preparing him or her to be equipped to “leave and cleave.”

At this point, most infants don’t yet have the ability to understand and respond appropriately to the word no. Keeping them out of danger by picking them up and removing them from unsafe places is the best route.

Ten to Eighteen Months

At this “practicing” stage, your baby begins not only talking, but also walking—and the possibilities stretch out before her. The world is this child’s oyster—and she spends a lot of time finding ways to open it up and play with it. Now she has the emotional and cognitive ability to understand and respond to the word no.

Boundaries become increasingly important during this stage, both having and hearing limits. Allowing the no muscle to begin developing is crucial at this age. No is your child’s way of finding out whether taking responsibility for her life has good results—or whether no causes someone to withdraw. As parents, learn to rejoice in your baby’s no.

At the same time, you have the delicate task of helping your child see that she is not the center of the universe. There are limits in life. There are consequences for scribbling on doors and screaming in church. Yet you need to do this without quenching the sense of excitement and interest in the world that she has been developing.

Eighteen to Thirty-six Months

The child is now learning the important task of taking responsibility for a separate yet connected soul. The practicing child gives way to the more sober child who is realizing that life has limits, but that being separate does not mean that we can’t be attached. In this phase, the following abilities are goals:

1. The ability to be emotionally attached to others, without giving up a sense of self and one’s freedom to be apart.

2. The ability to say appropriate nos to others without fear of loss of love.

3. The ability to take appropriate nos from others without withdrawing emotionally

At eighteen to thirty-six months the child needs to learn to be autonomous. She wants to be free of parental rule, but this desire is conflicted by her deep dependence on her parents. The wise parent will help her gain a sense of individualism and accept her loss of omnipotence, but without losing attachment.

To teach a child boundaries at this stage, you need to respect her no whenever appropriate, yet maintain your own firm no. It’s easy for you to try to win all the skirmishes. But there are simply too many. You will end up losing the war because you’ve lost the big picture—the attachment. Don’t waste your energy trying to control a random whirlwind. Pick your battles carefully and choose the important ones to win.

Wise parents will rejoice in children’s fun times, but will consistently and uniformly keep solid limits with the practicing child. At this age, children can learn the rules of the house as well as the consequences for breaking them. One workable process of discipline is listed below:

1. First infraction. Tell the child not to color on the bed sheet. Try to help the child meet her need in another way—using a coloring book or a pad of plain paper to crayon on instead of a bed-sheet, for example.

2. Second infraction. Again, tell the child no, and state the consequence. She will need to take a time out for one minute or lose the crayons for the rest of the day.

3. Third infraction. Administer the consequences, explaining why, then give the child a few minutes to be angry and separate from parents.

4. Comfort and reconnection. Hold and comfort the child, helping her reattach with you. This helps her differentiate between consequences and a loss of love. Painful consequences should never include a loss of connection.

Three to Five Years

During this phase, children move into a period of sex-role development. Each child identifies with the same-sex parent. Little boys want to be like Dad, and little girls like Mom. They also develop competitive feelings toward that same parent, wishing to marry the opposite-sex parent, defeating the same-sex parent in the process. They are preparing for adult sex roles later in life.

Boundary work by parents is important here. Gently but firmly, mothers need to allow their daughters to identify and to compete. They must also deal with the possessiveness of their sons, letting them know that “I know you’d like to marry Mom, but Mom’s married to Dad.” Fathers have to do the same job with their sons and daughters. This helps children learn to identify with the opposite—sex parent and take on appropriate characteristics.

Parents who fear the budding sexuality of their children will often become critical of these intense longings. Their own fear may cause them to attack or to shame their child, causing her to repress her sexuality. At the other extreme, the needy parent will sometimes emotionally, or even physically, seduce the child of the opposite sex. The mother who tells her son that “Daddy doesn’t understand me—— you’re the only one who can” is ensuring years of confusion about sex roles for her son. Mature parents need too keep a boundary between allowing sex role typing to emerge—and keeping the lines between parent and child clear.

Six to Eleven Years

During what is called latency, or the years of industry, the child is preparing for the upcoming thrust into adolescence. These years are the last true years of childhood. They are important for learning task orientation through school- work and play, and for learning to connect with same-sex peers

An extremely busy time for work and friends, this period carries its town boundary tasks for parents. Here, you need to help your kids establish the fundamentals of tasks: doing homework, house chores, and projects. They need to learn planning and the discipline of keeping at a job until it’s finished. They need to learn such boundary work as delay of gratification, goal orientation, and budgeting tune.

Eleven to Eighteen Years

Adolescence, the final step before adulthood, involves important tasks such as sexual maturation, a sense of solidifying identity in any surrounding, career leanings, and love choices. It can be a frightening yet exciting time for both child and parents.

By this point, the “de-parenting process should have begun. Things are beginning to shift between you and youngster. Instead of controlling your child, you influence her. You increase her freedom, as well as responsibility. You renegotiate restrictions, limits, and consequences with more flexibility.

All of these changes are like the countdown of a NASA space shuttle. You are preparing for the launching of a young adult into the world. Wise parents keep the imminent catapulting of their teens into society in the back of their minds at all times. The question they must always struggle with is no longer, “How can I make them behave?” but rather, “How can I help them survive on their own?”

Teens need to be setting their own relational, scheduling, values, and money boundaries as much as possible. And they should suffer real-life consequences when they cross their boundaries. The seventeen-year-told who is still disciplined with TV and phone restrictions may have real problems at college in one year. Professors, deans, and residence hall assistants don’t impose these kinds of restrictions; they resort to tactics such as failing grades, suspension, and expulsion.

If you are the parent of a teen who hasn’t had boundary training, you may feel at a loss about what to do. You need too begin at whatever point your teens are. When their ability to say and hear no is deficient, clarifying house rules and consequences can often help in the last few years before the youth leaves home.

Symptoms such as the following, however, may indicate a more serious problem:

• Isolation of the teen from family members

• Depressed mood

• Rebellious behavior

• Continual conflict in family

• Wrong type of friends

• School problems

• Eating disorders

• Alcohol use

• Drug use

• Suicidal ideas or behavior

Many parents, observing these problems, react with either too many boundaries, or too few. The too- strict parent runs the risk of alienating the almost—adult from the home connection. The too-lenient parent wants to be the child’s best friend at a time the teen needs someone to respect. At this point, parents should consider consulting a therapist who understands teen issues. The stakes are simply too high to ignore professional help.

Types of Discipline

Many parents are confused by how to teach children to respect boundaries. They read countless books and articles on spanking, time-outs, restrictions, and allowances. While this question is beyond the scope of this book, a few thoughts may help organize the searching parent.

1. Consequences are intended to increase the child’s sense of responsibility and control over his life. Discipline that increases the child’s sense of helplessness isn’t helpful. Dragging a sixteen-year-old girl to class doesn’t build the internal motivation she’ll need in two years when she’s in college. A system of rewards and consequences that help her choose school for her own benefit has much better possibilities for success.

2. Consequences must he age-appropriate. You need to think through the meaning of your discipline. Spanking, for example, humiliates and angers a teenager; however, administered correctly, it can help build structure for a four-year-old.

3. Consequences must be related to the seriousness of the infraction. Just as the penal system has different prison stays for different crimes, you must be able to distinguish between minor and severe infractions. Otherwise, severe penalties become meaningless.

A client once told me, “I got whippings for little things and for big things. So I started getting more involved in big things. It just seemed more efficient.” Once you’ve been sentenced to death, you don’t have much to gain by being good!

4. The goal of boundaries is an internal sense of motivation, with self-induced consequences. Successful parenting means that our kids want to get out of bed and go to school, be responsible, be empathic, and be caring because that’s important to them, not because its important to us. It’s only when love and limits are a genuine part of the child’s character that true maturity can occur. Otherwise, we are raising compliant parrots who will, in time, self-destruct.

Parents have a sober responsibility: teaching their children to have an internal sense of boundaries and to respect the boundaries of others. It’s sober because the Bible says it’s sober: Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly” (James 3:1).

There are certainly no guarantees that our training will be heeded. Children have the responsibility to listen and learn. The older they are, the more responsibility they have. Yet as we learn about our town boundary issues, take responsibility for them, and grow up ourselves, we increase our kids’ chances to learn boundaries in an adult world in which these abilities will be sorely needed—every day of their lives.

Boundaries and Your Spouse

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If there were ever a relationship where boundaries could get confused, it is marriage, where by design husband and wife become one flesh” (Eph. 5:31). Boundaries foster separateness. Marriage has as one of its goals the giving up of separateness and becoming, instead of two, one. What a potential state of confusion, especially for someone who does not have clear boundaries to begin with!

More marriages fail because of poor boundaries than for any other reason. This chapter will apply the laws of boundaries, as well as its myths, to the marital relationship

Is This Yours, Mine, or Ours?

A marriage mirrors the relationship that Christ has with his bride, the church, Christ has some things that only he can do, the church has some things that only it can do, and they have some things they do together. Only Christ could die. Only the church can represent him on earth in his absence and obey his commands. And together, they work on many things, such as saving the lost. Similarly, in marriage, some duties one spouse does, some the other does, and some they do together. When the two become one on their wedding day, spouses do not lose their individual identities. Each participates in the relationship, and each has his or her own life.

No one would have a problem deciding who wears the dress and who wears the tie. It’s a little trickier to decide who balances the checkbook and who mows the lawn. But these duties can be worked out according to the spouses’ individual abilities and interests. Where boundaries can get confusing is in the elements of personhood—the elements of the soul that each person processes and can choose to share with someone else.

The problem arises when one trespasses on the other’s personhood, when one crosses a line and tries to control the feelings, attitudes, behaviors, choices, and values of the other. These things only each individual can control. To try to control these things is to violate someone’s boundaries, and ultimately, it will fail. Our relationship with Christ— and any other successful relationship—is based on freedom.

Let’s look at some common examples:

Feelings

One of the most important elements that promotes intimacy between two people is the ability of each to take responsibility for his or her own feelings.

I was counseling a couple who were having marital problems because of the husband’s drinking. I asked the wife to tell her husband how she felt when he drank.

“I feel like he doesn’t think about what he’s doing. I feel like he ..

“No, you are evaluating his drinking. How do you feel about it?”

“I feel like he doesn’t......

“No,” I said, “That is what you think about him. How do you feel when he drinks?”

She started to cry. “I feel very alone and afraid.” She had finally said what she felt.

At that point her husband reached out and put his hand on her arm. “I never knew you were afraid,” he said. “I would never want to make you afraid.”

This conversation was a real turning point in their relationship. For years the wife had been nagging her husband about the way he was and about the way he should be. He responded by blaming her and justifying his actions. In spite of hours and hours of talking, they had continued to talk past each other. Neither was taking responsibility for his or her own feelings and communicating them.

We do not communicate our feelings by saving, “I feel that you…” We communicate our feelings by saying, I feel sad, or hurt, or lonely, or scared, or…” Such vulnerability is the beginning of intimacy and caring.

Feelings are also a warning signal telling us that we need to do something. For example, if you are angry at someone for something she did, it is your responsibility to go to her and tell her you are angry and why. If you think that your anger is her problem and that she needs to fix it, you may wait years. And your anger may turn to bitterness. If you are angry, even if someone else has sinned against you, it is your responsibility to do something about it.

This was a lesson Susan needed to learn. When her husband, Jim, did not come home from work early enough for them to have time together, Susan became angry. Instead of confronting her husband, she would become very quiet for the rest of the evening. Jim became annoyed with having to pull out of her what was wrong. Eventually, hating her pouting, he left her alone.

Not dealing with hurt or anger can kill a relationship. Susan needed to talk with Jim about how she was feeling, instead of waiting for him to draw her out. Even though she felt he had been the one who had hurt her, she needed to take responsibility for her own hurt and anger.

Jim and Susan did not solve their problem by her simply expressing her anger to him. She needed to go one more step. She needed to clarify her desires in the conflict.

Desires

Desires are another element of personhood that each spouse needs to take responsibility for. Susan was angry because she wanted Jim to be home. She blamed him for being late. When they came in for counseling, our conversation went like this:

“Susan, tell me why you get angry at Jim,” I said.

“Because he’s late,” she replied.

“That can’t be the reason,” I said. “People don’t make other people angry. Your anger has to come from something inside of you.”

“What do you mean? He’s the one who comes home late.”

“Well, what if you had plans to go out with your friends that night? Would you still be angry at him for being late?”

“Well, no. That’s different.”

“What’s different? You said you were angry because he was late, and he would still be late, yet you wouldn’t be angry.

“Well, in that situation, he wouldn’t be doing anything to hurt me.”

“Not exactly,” I pointed out. “The difference is that you wouldn’t be wanting something that he didn’t want to give. Your disappointed desire is what hurts you, not his being late. The problem lies in who is responsible for the want. It is your want, not his. You are responsible for getting it fulfilled. That is a rule of life. We do not get everything we want, and we all must grieve over our disappointments instead of punish others for them:”

“What about common respect? Staying at the office is selfish,” she said.

“Well, he wants to work some nights and you want him home. Both of you want something for yourselves. We could say that you are as selfish as he is. The truth is that neither one of you is selfish. You just have conflicting wants. This is what marriage is about—getting conflicting wants worked out.”

There was no “bad guy” in this situation. Both Jim and Susan had needs. Jim needed to work late, and Susan needed him home. Problems arise when we make someone else responsible for our needs and wants, and when we blame them for our disappointments.

Limits on What I Can Give

We are finite creatures and must give as we “decide in [our] heart to give” (2 Cor. 9:7), being aware of when we are giving past the love point to the resentment point. Problems arise when we blame someone else for our own lack of limits. Often spouses will do more than they really want to and then resent the other for not stopping them from over giving.

Bob had this problem. His wife, Nancy, wanted the perfect home, including handmade patios, landscaping, and remodeling. She was always coming up with something for him to do around the house. He was beginning to resent her projects.

When he came to see me, I asked him why he was angry.

“Well, because she wants so much. I can’t find any time for myself,” he said.

“What do you mean ‘can’t’? Don’t you mean ‘won’t’?”

“No, I can’t. She would be angry if I didn’t do the work.”

“Well, that’s her problem; it’s her anger.”

“Yes, but I have to listen to it.”

“No, you don’t,” I said. “You are choosing to do all of these things for her, and you are choosing to take the tongue lashings that happen if you don’t. Any time you spend doing things for her is a gift from you; if you do not want to give it, you don’t have to. Stop blaming her for all of this.’’

Bob didn’t like that. He wanted her to stop wanting instead of his learning to say no.

“How much time do you want to give her each week for home improvement? I asked.

He thought for a minute. “About four hours. I could work on things for her and still have a little time left for a hobby.”

“Then tell her that you have been thinking about your time and that with all the other things you are doing for the family, you would like to give her four hours a week to work around the house. She is free to use that time any way she chooses.”

“But what if she says that four hours is not enough?”

Explain to her that you understand that this may not be enough time to complete all the jobs she wants done, but those are her wants, not yours. Therefore, she is responsible for her own wants, and she is free to be creative in how she gets them done. She could earn some extra money and hire someone. She could learn to do them herself. She could ask a friend to help. Or, she could cut down on her wants. It is important that she learns that you are not going to take responsibility for her wants. You’re going to give as you choose, and she is responsible for the rest.

Bob saw the logic in my suggestion and decided to talk with Nancy. It was not pretty at first. No one had ever said no to Nancy before, and she did not take well to it. But, over time, Bob took responsibility for his limits instead of wishing that Nancy would not want so much, and his limits took effect. She learned something that she had never learned before: the world does not exist for her. Other people are not extensions of her wants and desires. Other people have wants and needs of their own, and we must negotiate a fair and loving relationship and respect each other’s limits.

The key here is that the other person is not responsible for our limits; we are. Only we know what we can and want to give, and only we can be responsible for drawing that line. If we cannot draw it, we can quickly become resentful.

Applying the Laws of Boundaries to Marriage

In Chapter 5 we talked about the ten laws of boundaries. Let’s apply a few of those laws to troubled marital situations.

The Law of Sowing and Reaping

Many times one spouse may be out of control and may not suffer the consequences of this behavior. The husband yells at his wife, and she tries to be more loving. In effect, the evil (yelling) produces good things (more loving) for him. Or, a wife overspends, and her husband pays the consequences. He gets a second job to cover the mound of bills.

Natural consequences are needed to resolve these problems. A wife needs to tell her overly critical husband that if he continues to berate her, she will go into another room until he can discuss the problem rationally. Or, she could say something like, “I will not talk about this issue with you anymore alone. I will only talk in the presence of a counselor. Or, “If you start yelling at me again, I will go to Jane’s house to spend the night.” The husband with the spendthrift wife needs to cancel the credit cards or tell her she needs to get a second job to pay the bills. These spouses all need to let the out-of-control spouses suffer the consequences of their actions.

A friend of mine decided to let his wife suffer the consequences of her chronic lateness. He had nagged and nagged his wife about her tardiness, to no avail. Finally, he realized he could not change her; he could only change his response to her. Tired of suffering the consequences of her behavior, he decided to give them back to her.

One night they had plans to go to a banquet, and he did not want to be late. In advance, he told her that he wanted to be on time and that if she were not ready by 6:00 P.M., he would leave without her. She was late, and he left. When he came home that night, she screamed, “How could you leave without me!” He let her know that her lateness was what caused her to miss the banquet and that he was sad to have to go alone, but he did not want to miss the dinner. After a few more incidents like this, she knew that her lateness would affect her and not him, and she changed.

These moves are not manipulative, as the other spouse will accuse. They are examples of someone limiting how they will allow themselves to be treated and exhibiting self-control. The natural consequences are falling on the shoulders of the responsible party.

The Law of Responsibility

We talked earlier about taking responsibility for ourselves and having responsibility to others. The above examples show that. People who set limits exhibit self-control and show responsibility for themselves. They act responsible to their partner by confronting him or her. Setting limits is an act of love in the marriage; by binding and limiting the evil, they protect the good.

Taking responsibility for someone’s anger, pouting, and disappointments by giving in to that person’s demands or controlling behavior destroys love in a marriage. Instead of taking responsibility for people we love, or rescuing them, we need to show responsibility to them by confronting evil when we see it. This is truly loving our partner and the marriage. The most responsible behavior possible is usually the most difficult.

The Law of Power

We have looked at our basic inability to change another person. A nagging spouse, in effect, keeps the problem going. Accepting someone as she is, respecting her choice to be that way, and then giving her appropriate consequences is the better path. When we do this, we execute the power we do have, and we stop trying to wield the power no one has. Contrast these ways of reacting:

BEFORE BOUNDARIES
AFTER BOUNDARIES

1. “Stop yelling at me. You must be nicer.”

1. “You can continue to yell if you choose to. But I will choose not to be in your presence when you act that way.

2. “You’ve just got to stop drinking. It’s ruining our family. Please listen. You’re wrecking our lives.”

2. You may choose to not deal with your drinking if you want. But I will not continue to expose myself and the children to this chaos. The next time you are drunk, we will go to the Wilsons’ for the night, and we will tell them why we are there. Your drinking is your choice. What I will put up with is mine.”

3. You are a pervert to look at pornography. That’s so degrading. What kind of a sick person are you anyway?”

3. “I will not choose to share you sexually with naked women in magazines. It’s up to you. I will only sleep with someone who is interested in me. Make up your mind and choose.”

These are all examples of taking power over what you do have power over—yourself—and giving up trying to control and have power over someone else.

The Law of Evaluation

When you confront your husband or wife and begin to set boundaries, your partner may be hurt. In evaluating the pain that your boundary setting causes your spouse, remember that love and limits go together. When you set boundaries be lovingly responsible to the person in pain.

Spouses who are wise and loving will accept boundaries and act responsibly toward them. Spouses who are controlling and self-centered will react angrily.

Remember that a boundary always deals with yourself, not the other person. You are not demanding that your spouse do something—even respect your boundaries. You are setting boundaries to say what you will do or will not do. Only these kinds of boundaries are enforceable, for you do have control over yourself. Do not confuse boundaries with a new way to control a spouse. It is the opposite. It is giving up control and beginning to love. You are giving up trying to control your spouse and allowing him to take responsibility for his own behavior.

The Law of Exposure

In a marriage, as in no other relationship, the need for revealing your boundaries is important. Passive boundaries, such as withdrawal, triangulation, pouting, affairs, and passive-aggressive behavior, are extremely destructive to a relationship. Passive ways of showing people that they do not have control over you never lead to intimacy. They never educate the other on who you really are; they only estrange.

Boundaries need to be communicated first verbally and then with actions. They need to be clear and unapologetic. Remember the types of boundaries we listed earlier: skin. words, truth, physical space, time, emotional distance, other people, consequences. All of these boundaries need to be respected and revealed at different times in marriage.

Skin. Each spouse needs to respect the other’s physical body boundaries. Physical violations can range from hurtful displays of affection to physical abuse. The Bible says that the husband and wife have “authority” over each other’s body (1 Cor. 7:4-6 NASB); this is mutual authority, given freely. One should always remember Jesus principle: “Treat others as you would want to be treated.”

Words. Your words need to be clear and spoken in love. Confront your spouse directly. Say no. Don’t use passive resistance. Don’t pout or withdraw. Say things like, “I do not feel comfortable with that. I do not want to. I won’t.”

Truth. Paul says that “each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully” (Eph. 4:25). Honest communication is always best. This includes telling the other person when he is not aware that he is violating one of God’s standards. You also need to own the truth about your feelings and hurts and communicate those feelings directly to your spouse with love.

Physical Space. When you need time away, tell your spouse. Sometimes you need space for nourishment; other times you need space for limit setting. In either instance, your spouse should not have to guess why you do not want him around for a while. Communicate clearly so your spouse does not feel as though he is being punished, but knows he is experiencing the consequences of his out-of-control behavior (Matt. 18:17; 1 Cor. 5:9-13).

Emotional Distance. If you are in a troubled marriage, where your partner has had an affair, for example, you may need emotional space. Waiting to trust again is wise. You need to see if your spouse is truly repentant, and your spouse needs to see that her behavior has a cost. Your spouse may interpret this as punishment, but the Bible teaches that we are to judge a person by her actions, not by her words (James

2:14-26).

In addition, a hurt heart takes time to heal. You cannot rush back into a position of trust with too much unresolved hurt. That hurt needs to he exposed and communicated. If you are hurting, you need to own that hurt.

Time. Each spouse needs time apart from the relationship. Not just for limit setting, as we pointed out above, but for self-nourishment. The Proverbs 31 wife has a life of her own; she is out doing many things. The same is true of her husband. They have their own time for doing what they like and for seeing their own friends.

Many couples have trouble with this aspect of marriage. They feel abandoned when their spouse wants time apart. In reality, spouses need time apart, which makes then realize the need to be back together. Spouses in healthy relationships cherish each other’s space and are champions of each others causes.

Other People. Some spouses need the support of others to set boundaries. If they haven’t ever stood up for themselves, they need help from friends and the church in learning how. If you are too weak to set and enforce boundaries, get help from supporters outside your marriage. Do not, however, seek support from someone of the opposite sex that could lead to an affair. Get help from other people within relationships that have built-in boundaries, such as counselors or support groups.

Consequences. Communicate consequences clearly and enforce them firmly as you have said you would. Spelling out consequences in advance and enforcing them gives your spouse a choice about whether or not he or she wants the consequences to happen. Because people have control over their own behavior, they have control over the consequences of that behavior.

But That Doesn’t Sound Submissive

Whenever we talk about a wife setting boundaries, someone asks about the biblical idea of submission. What follows is not a full treatise on submission, but some general issues you should keep in mind.

First, both husbands and wives are supposed to practice submission, not just wives. “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Eph. 5:21). Submission is always the free choice of one party to another. Wives choose to submit to their husbands, and husbands choose to submit to their wives.

Christ’s relationship with the church is a picture of how a husband and wife should relate: “Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless” (Eph. 5:24-27).

Whenever submission issues are raised, the first question that needs to be asked is, What is the nature of the marital relationship? Is the husband’s relationship with his wife similar to Christ’s relationship with the church? Does she have free choice, or is she a slave “under the law”? Many marital problems arise when a husband tries to keep his wife “under the law,” and she feels all the emotions the Bible promises the law will bring: wrath, guilt, insecurity, and alienation (Rom. 4:15; James 2:10; Gal. 5:4).

Freedom is one issue that needs to be examined; grace is another. Is the husband’s relationship with his wife full of grace and unconditional love? Is she in a position of “no condemnation as the church is (Rom. 8:1), or does her husband fail to “wash her” of all guilt? Usually husbands who quote Ephesians 5 turn their wives into slaves and condemn them for not submitting. If she incurs wrath or condemnation for not submitting, she and her husband do not have a grace—filled Christian marriage; they have a marriage “under the law.”

Often, in these situations, the husband is trying to get his wife to do something that either is hurtful or takes away her will. Both of these actions are sins against himself. “Husband ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own bodies, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church” (Eph. 5:28-29). Given this, the idea of slave-like submission is impossible to hold. Christ never takes away our will or asks us to do something hurtful. He never pushes us past our limits. He never uses us as objects. Christ “gave himself up” for us. He takes care of us as he would his own body.

We have never seen a “submission problem” that did not have a controlling husband at its root. When the wife begins to set clear boundaries, the lack of Christ-likeness in a controlling husband becomes evident because the wife is no longer enabling his immature behavior. She is confronting the truth and setting biblical limits on hurtful behavior. Often, when the wife sets boundaries, the husband begins to grow up.

A Question of Balance

“I can’t get him to spend any time with me. All he wants to do is go with his friends to sporting events. He never wants to see me. Meredith complained.

“What do you say to that?” I asked her husband.

“That’s not true at all,” Paul replied. “It feels like all we have is togetherness. She calls me at work two or three times a day. She is waiting at the door when I get home and wants to talk. She has our evenings and weekends all planned out. It drives me crazy. So, I try to get away and go to a game or to play golf. I feel smothered.

“How often do you try to get out?”

“Any time I can. Probably about two nights a week and one afternoon on the weekend.

“What do you do at those times?” I asked Meredith.

“Well, I wait for him to come home. I miss him very much.”

“Don’t you have something you want to do for yourself?”

“No. My family is my life. I live for them. I hate it when they are gone and we can’t have time together.”

“Well, it’s not like you never have time together,” I said. “But it is true that you don’t have all the time together. And when that happens, Paul seems to be relieved and you are distressed. Can you explain that imbalance?”

“What do you mean, ‘imbalance’?” she asked.

“Every marriage is made up of two ingredients, togetherness and separateness. In good marriages, the partners carry equal loads of both of those. Let’s say there are 100 points of togetherness and 100 points of separateness. In a good relationship, one partner expresses 50 points of togetherness and 50 points of separateness, and the other does the same. They both do things on their own, and that creates some mutual longing for the other, and the togetherness creates some need for separateness. But in your relationship, you have divided the 200 points differently. You are expressing all of the 100 together points, and he is expressing the 1oo points of separateness.

“If you want him to move toward you,” I continued, “you need to move away from him and create some space for longing. I don’t think Paul ever gets a chance to miss you. You’re always pursuing him, and he is turning away to create space. If you would create some space, he would have some space to long for you in, and then he would pursue you.

“That’s exactly right,” Paul broke in. “Honey, it’s like when you were getting your graduate degree and were gone so much. Remember? I used to long to see you. I don’t get a chance to miss you now. You’re always around.”

Meredith was reluctant to concede my point, but eager to explore with Paul ways to bring balance to their marital relationship.

Balance. It’s something that God has wired into every system. Every system tries to find balance in any way it can. And many dimensions need to be balanced in a marriage: power, strength, togetherness, sex, and so on. Problems come when, instead of trading places in these areas, one spouse is always powerful and the other powerless; one spouse is always strong and the other weak; one spouse always wants togetherness and the other wants separateness; one spouse always wants sex and the other doesn’t. In each case, the couple has struck a balance, but it is not a mutual balance.

Boundaries help create mutual balance, instead of split balance. They help couples keep each other accountable. If someone does not have boundaries and begins to do another’s work for him, such as creating all the togetherness in the relationship, that person is on the road to codependency or worse. The other partner will live out the opposite side of the split Boundaries keep partners accountable through consequences and force the balance to become mutual.

The Preacher in Ecclesiastes says, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven” (3: 1). There are balanced polarities in life and relationship. When you find yourself in an unequal relationship, you may lack boundaries. Setting boundaries may correct the imbalance. For example, when Paul sets boundaries on Meredith’s demands, he forces her to become more independent.

Resolution

It is often easy to see problem, but difficult to make the hard choices and risks that result in change. Let’s look at the steps toward personal change in a marital relationship.

1. Inventory the symptom. First, you need to recognize the problem and agree to take action to solve it. You will not resolve the problem by wishing. You need to own the problem, whether it be sex, discipline of the children, lack of togetherness, or unfair spending of money.

2. Identify the specific boundary problem. One step beyond identifying the symptom is putting your finger on the specific boundary issue. For instance, the symptom may be that one person does not want sex; the boundary problem may be that this person does not say no often enough in other areas of the relationship so that this is the one place that she has some power. Or, she may feel as if she does not have enough control in the sexual arena. She may feel powerless; she may feel that her choices are not honored.

3. Find the origins of the conflict. This is probably not the first relationship in which this boundary issue has arisen. You probably learned to relate this way in a significant relationship in the family in which you grew up. Certain fears that were developed in that relationship are still operative. You need to name these original issues; you may need to stop confusing your parent with your spouse. No other relationship repeats parental conflicts more often than the marriage relationship.

4. Take in the good. This step involves establishing a support system. Remember, “Boundaries are not built in a vacuum’’ We need bonding and support before we build boundaries; the fear of abandonment keeps many people from setting boundaries in the first place.

For this reason, establish a support system that will encourage boundary setting in your marriage. This may be a co-dependency group, Al-Anon, a therapist, a marriage counselor, or a pastor. Do not set boundaries alone. You have not set boundaries because you are afraid; the only way out is through support. “And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart (Ecc. 4:12). Boundaries are like muscles. They need to be built up in a safe support system and allowed to grow. If you try to shoulder too much weight too quickly, your muscles may tear or be pulled. Get help.

5. Practice. Practice new boundaries in safe relationships, relationships in which people love you unconditionally. Tell a good friend no when you can’t do lunch, or let her know when your opinion differs from hers, or give something to her without expecting anything in return .As you practice setting limits with safe people you will begin to grow in your ability to set limits in your marriage.

6. Say no to the bad. Put limits on the bad in your marriage. Stand up to abuse; say no to unreasonable demands. Remember the parable of the talents. There was no growth without risk and a facing up to fear. Being successful is not as important as stepping out and trying.

Forgive. To not forgive is to lack boundaries. Unforgiving people allow other people to control them. Setting people who have hurt you free from an old debt is to stop wanting something from them; it sets you tree as well. Forgiving can lead to proactive behavior in the present, instead of passive wishes from the past.

8. Become proactive. Instead of allowing someone else to be in control, figure out what you want to do, set your course, and stick to it. Decide what your limits are, what you will allow yourself to be a party to, what you will no longer tolerate, and what consequences you will set. Define yourself proactively, and you will be ready to maintain your boundaries when the time comes.

9. Learn to love in freedom and responsibility. Remember the goal of boundaries; love coming out of freedom. This is the true self-denial of the New Testament. When you are in control of yourself, you can give and sacrifice for loved ones in a helpful way instead of giving in to destructive behavior and self-centeredness. This kind of freedom allows one to give in a way that leads to fruit. Remember, “no greater love has anyone than to lay down his life for his friends.” This is to live up to the law of Christ, to serve one another. But this must be done out of freedom, not boundaryless compliance.

Setting and receiving firm boundaries with your spouse can lead to a much greater intimacy. But you not only need to address boundaries with your spouse; you need to address boundaries with your children. And it’s never too late to start.

Boundaries and Your Family

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Susie had a problem that I had seen countless times before. This thirty-year-old woman would return from a visit to her parents’ home and suffer a deep depression.
When she described her problem to me, I asked her if she noticed that every time she went home to visit, she came back extremely depressed.

“Why that’s ridiculous,” she said “I don’t live there anymore. How could the trip affect me this way?”

When I asked her to describe the trip, Susie told of social gatherings with old friends and family times around the dinner table. These were fun, she said, especially when it was only family.

“What do you mean ‘only family’?” I asked.

“Well, other times ray parents would invite some of my friends over, and I didn’t like those dinners as well.”

“Why was that?”

Susie thought for a minute and then replied, “I guess I start to feel guilty.” She began to recount the subtle remarks her parents would make comparing her friends’ lives to hers. They would talk of how wonderful it is for grandparents to have a “hands on” role in raising the children. They would talk of the community activities her friends were doing and how wonderful she would be at those activities if she only lived there. The list went on and on.

Susie soon discovered that, when she returned home, she felt as if she were bad for living where she lived. She had a nagging sense that she really should do what her parents wanted her to do.

Susie had a common problem. She had made choices on the outside. She had moved away from the family she grew up in to pursue a career on her own. She had been paying her own bills. She had even gotten married and had a child. But on the inside, things were different. She did not have emotional permission to be a separate person, make free choices about her life, and not feel guilty when she did not do what her parents wanted. She could still yield to pressure.

The real problem is on the inside. Remember, boundaries define someone’s property. Susie, and others like her, do not really “own” themselves. People who own their lives do not feel guilty when they make choices about where they are going. They take other people into consideration, but when they make choices for the wishes of others, they are choosing out of love, not guilt; to advance a good, not to avoid being bad.

Signs of a Lack of Boundaries

Let’s look at some common signs of a lack of boundaries with the family we grew up in.

Catching the Virus

A common scenario is this: one spouse doesn’t have good emotional boundaries with the family he grew up in—his family of origin. Then when he has contact with them by phone or in person, he becomes depressed, argumentative, self-critical, perfectionistic, angry, combative, or withdrawn. It is as though he “catches” something from his family of origin and passes it on to his immediate family.
His family of origin has the power to affect his new family in a trickle-down effect. One sure sign of boundary problems is when your relationship with one person has the power to affect your relationships with others. You are giving one person way too much power in your life.

I remember one young woman who made steady gains in therapy until she talked to her mother, when she would withdraw for three weeks. She would say things like, “I’m not changing at all. I’m not getting any better. Fusing with many of her mother’s ideas about her, she wasn’t able to stay separate. This fusion with her mother affected her other relationships. She virtually shut everyone out of her life after an interaction with her mother. Her mother owned her life; she was not her own.

Second Fiddle

“You wouldn’t believe how she is with him,” Dan said. ‘She totally focuses on his every wish. When he criticizes her, she tries harder. And she practically ignores me. I’m tired of being the ‘second man’ in her life.”

Dan wasn’t talking about Jane’s lover. He was talking about her father. Dan was tired of’ feeling like Jane cared more about her father’s wishes than his.

This is a common sign of a lack of boundaries with the family of origin: the spouse feels like he gets leftovers. He feels as if his mates real allegiance is to her parents. This spouse hasn’t completed the “leaving before cleaving process; she has a boundary problem. God has designed the process whereby a “man shall leave his Father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh” (Gen 2:24 NASB). The Hebrew word for leave comes from a root word that means to “loosen,” or to relinquish or forsake. For marriage to work, the spouse needs to loosen her ties with her family of origin and forge new ones with the new family she is creating through in marriage.

This does not mean that husbands and wives shouldn’t have a relationship with their extended families. But they do need to set clear boundaries with their families of origin. Many marriages fail because one partner fails to set clear boundaries with the family of origin, and the spouse and children get leftovers.

May I Have My Allowance, Please?

Terry and Sherry were an attractive couple. They owned a big house and went on lavish vacations; their children took piano lessons and ballet, and they had their own skis, roller blades, ice skates, and wind surfers. Terry and Sherry had all the trappings of success. But, there was one problem. This lifestyle was not supported by Terry’s paycheck. Terry and Sherry received much financial help from his family.
Terry’s family had always wanted the best for him, and they had always helped him get it. They had contributed to the house, the vacations, and the children’s hobbies. While this allowed Terry and Sherry to have things they could not otherwise have, it cost them dearly as well.

The periodic bailouts from his parents cut into Terry’s self-respect. And Sherry felt as if she couldn’t spend any money without consulting her in-laws, since they contributed the funds.

Terry illustrates a common boundary problem for young adults today, both married and single: he was not yet an adult financially. He could not set boundaries on his parents desire for him and Sherry to “have everything we have.” He also found that he had so fused with their ideas of success that he had trouble saying no to these wishes in himself. He wasn’t sure he wanted to forsake the gifts and handouts for a greater sense of independence.

Terry’s story is the “up” side of the financial boundary problem. There is also the “I’m in trouble” side. Many adult children perpetually get into financial messes because of irresponsibility, drug or alcohol use, out-of-control spending, or the modern “I haven’t found my niche” syndrome. Their parents continue to finance this road of failure and irrespon¬sibility, thinking that “this time they’ll do better.” In reality, they are crippling their children for life, preventing them from achieving independence.

An adult who clues not stand on his own financially is still a child. To be an adult, you must live within your means and pay for your own failures.

Mom, Where Are My Socks?

In the perpetual child syndrome, a person may be financially on his own, but allows his family of origin to perform certain life management functions.

This adult child often hangs out at Mom and Dad’s house, vacations with them. drops off laundry, and eats many meals there. He is Mom or Dad’s closest confidant, sharing us “everything” with them. At thirty something, he hasn’t found his career niche, and he has no savings, no retirement plan, and no health insurance. On the surface these things do not appear to be serious problems. But often, Mom and Dad are symbolically keeping their adult child from emotionally leaving home.

This often happens in friendly, loving families, where things are so nice it’s hard to leave. (Psychologists often refer to this as the “enmeshed family,” one in which the children do not separate with clear boundaries.) It does not look like a problem, because everyone gets along so well. The family is very happy with one another.

However, the adult children’s other adult relationships may be dysfunctional. They may choose “black sheep” friends and lovers. They may be unable to commit to a member of the opposite sex or to a career.

Often their finances are a problem. They have large and multiple credit-card balances and usually are behind on their taxes. Although they may be earning their own way daily, they never think about the future. This is essentially an adolescent financial life. Adolescents make enough money to buy a surfboard, stereo, or dress, but do not think past the immediate present to the future. Did I make enough money for the pleasures of this weekend? Adolescents—and adult children who have not separated from their parents—are still under parental protection, and it’s a parent’s job to think about the future.

Three’s a Crowd

Dysfunctional families are known for a certain type of boundary problem called triangulation. It goes something like this: Person A is angry at Person B. Person A does not tell Person B. Person A calls Person C and gripes about Person B. Person C enjoys Person A’s confidence and listens whenever A wants to play the triangle game.
By this time, Person B, feeling lonely, calls C, and, in passing, mentions the conflict with A. Person C becomes the confidant of B as well as A. Persons A and B have not resolved their conflict, and C has two “friends.”

Triangulation is the failure to resolve a conflict between two persons and pulling in of a third to take sides. Thus is a boundary problem because the third person has no business in the conflict, but is used for comfort and validation by the ones who are afraid to confront each other. This is how conflicts persist, people don’t change, and enemies are made unnecessarily.

What happens in the triangle is that people speak falsely, covering up their hatred with nice words and flattery. Person A is usually very cordial, nice, and even complimentary to B in person, but when A talks to C, the anger comes out.

This is a clear lack of boundaries because Person A is not “owning” his anger. The person with whom A is angry deserves to hear it straight from him. How many times have you been hurt by a “Do you know what John said about you?” And the last time you talked to John things were fine.

In addition, Person C is being drawn into the conflict and his knowledge of the conflict gets in the way of his relationship with Person B. Gossip gets between people. It affects our opinions of the people being gossiped about without their having a chance to defend themselves. Many times what we hear from a third person is inaccurate. This is why the Bible commands us to listen to at least two or three witnesses, not just one.

Triangulation is a common boundary problem with families of origin. Old patterns of conflict between a parent and a child, or between two parents, result in one family member calling another family member and talking about the third family member. These extremely destructive pat¬terns keep people dysfunctional.

The Scripture is very serious about dealing with conflict directly with the one you are angry with:

He who rebukes a man will in the end gain more favor than he who has a flattering tongue. (Pros’. 28:23)

Do not hate your brother in your heart. Rebuke your neighbor frankly so you will not share in his guilt. (Lev. 19:17)

Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift. (Matt. 5:23-24)

These Scriptures show that a simple way to avoid triangulation is to always talk to the person with whom you have a conflict first. Work it out with her, and only if she denies the problem, talk to someone else to get insight about how to resolve it, not to gossip and to bleed off anger. Then you both go to talk to her together to try to solve the problem.

Never say to a third party something about someone that you do not plan to say to the person himself

Who’s the Child Here, Anyhow?

“Children should not have to save up for their parents, but parents for their children”(2 Cor. 12:14).

Some people were born to take care of their parents. They did not sign up for this duty; they inherited it. Today we call these people codependent. Early in life they learned they were responsible for their parents, who were stuck in childish patterns of irresponsibility. When they became adults, they had a difficult time setting boundaries between themselves and their irresponsible parents. Every time they tried to have separate lives, they felt selfish.

Indeed, the Bible teaches that adult children should take care of their elderly parents. “Give proper recognition to those widows who are really in need. But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God” (1 Tim. 5:3-4. It is good to feel grateful to our parents and to repay them for what they have done for us.

But two problems generally crop up. First, your parents may not be “really in need.” They may be irresponsible, demanding, or acting like martyrs. They may need to take responsibility for their own knapsacks.

Second, when they are “really in need,” you may not have clear boundaries to determine what you can give and what you can’t give. You may not be able to limit your giving, and your parents’ inability to adjust to old age, for example, will dominate your family. Such domination can ruin marriages and hurt children. A family needs to decide what they want to give and what they do not want to give, so they will continue to love and appreciate the parent, and not grow resentful.

Good boundaries prevent resentment. It is good to give. Make sure, however, that it is the proper amount for your situation and resources.

But I’m Your Brother

Another frequent dynamic is the grown sibling relation¬ship. An irresponsible adult child depends on a responsible adult sibling to avoid growing up and leaving the family. (We are not talking about a true needy sibling who has a mental or physical impairment.) The irresponsible child continues to play old family games well into adulthood.

The tough issue here is the guilt and pressure you feel because it is your brother or sister. I have seen people do totally crazy and unhelpful things for a brother or sister that they would never do for their closest friend. Our families can tear down our best-built fences because they are “family.”

But Why Do We Do That?

Why in the world do we choose to continue these sorts of patterns? What is wrong?
One reason is that we did not learn the laws of boundaries in our family of origin, and our adult boundary problems are actually old boundary problems that have been there since childhood.

Another reason is that we may not have gone through the biblical transition into adulthood and the spiritual adoption into the family of God. Let’s look at both.

Continuation of Old Boundary Problems

Remember the story about the alien? He had grown up on another planet and was unfamiliar with the laws of Earth, such as gravity and money as a medium of exchange.

The patterns you learn at home growing up are continued into adulthood with the same players: lack of consequences for irresponsible behavior, lack of confrontation, lack of limits, taking responsibility for others instead of yourself, giving out of compulsion and resentment, envy, passivity, and secrecy. These patterns are not new, they have just never been confronted and repented of.

These patterns run deep. Your family members are the ones you learned to organize your life around, so they are able to send you back to old patterns by their very presence. You begin to act automatically out of memory instead of growth.
To change, you must identify these “sins of the family” and turn from them. You must confess them as sins, repent of them, and change the way you handle them. The first step in establishing boundaries is becoming aware of old family patterns that you are still continuing in the present.

Look at the struggles you are having with boundaries in your family of origin, identify which laws are being broken, and then pinpoint the resulting negative Fruit in your life.

Adoption

This is not a book about spiritual development, but boundaries are an essential aspect of growing up. One step in growing up is coming out from murder parental authority and putting yourself under God’s authority.

The Bible says that children are under the authority of their parents until they become adults (Gal. 4:1-7). In a real sense their parents are responsible for them. But when adulthood and the “age of accountability” come, that person comes out from under guardians and managers and become responsible for him or herself. Christians move into another parental relationship with God as Father. Gold does not leave us as orphans, but takes us into his family.

Numerous New Testament passages teach that we need to forsake our allegiance to our original family and become adopted by God (Matt. 23:9). God commands us to look to him as our father and to have no parental intermediaries. Adults who are still holding an allegiance to earthly parents have not realized their new adoptive status.

Many times we are not obeying the Word of God because we have not spiritually left home. We feel we still need to please our parents and their traditional ways of doing things rather than obey our new Father (Matt, 15:1-6).

When we become part of God’s family, obeying his ways will sometimes cause conflict in our families and sometimes separate us (Matt, l0:35-37), Jesus says that our spiritual ties are the closest and most important (Matt. 12:46-50), our true family is the family of God.

In this family, which is to be our strongest tie, things are done a certain way. We are to tell the truth, set limits, take and require responsibility confront each other, forgive each other, and so on. Strong standards and values make this family run. And God will not allow it any other way in his family.

This in no way means that we are to cut other ties. We are to have friends outside of God’s family and strong ties with our family of origin. However, we need to ask two questions: Do these ties keep us from doing the right thing in any situation? And have we really become an adult in relation to our family of origin?

If our ties are truly loving, we will be separate and free and give out of love and a “purposeful heart. We will stay away from resentment, we will love with limits, and we will not enable evil behavior.

If we are not “under guardians and managers” as adults, we can make truly adult decisions, having control over our own will (1 Cor. 7:37), subject to) our true Father.

Resolution of Boundary Problems with Family

Establishing boundaries with families of origin is a tough task, but one with great reward. It is a process, with certain distinguishable steps.

Identify the Symptom

Look at your own life situation and see where boundary problems exist with your parents and siblings. The basic question is this: Where have you lost control of your property? Identify those areas and see their connection with the family you grew up in, and you are on your way.

Identify the Conflict

Discover what dynamic is being played out. For example, what “law of boundaries” are you violating? Do you triangulate? Do you take responsibility for a sibling or parent instead of being responsible to them? Do you fail to enforce consequences and end up paying for their behavior? Are you passive and reactive toward them and the conflict?

You cannot stop acting out a dynamic until you understand what your are doing, “Take the log out of your own eye. Then, you will be able to see clearly to deal with your family members. See yourself as the problem and find your boundary violations.

Identify the Need That Drives the Conflict

You do not act in inappropriate ways for no reason. You are often trying to meet some underlying need that your family of origin did not meet. Maybe we are still entangled because of a need to be loved, or approved of, or accepted. You must face this deficit and accept that it can only be met in your new family of God, those who are now your true “mother, father, brothers, and sisters,” those who do God’s will and can love you the way he designed.

Take in and Receive the Good

It is not enough to understand your need. You must get it met. God is willing to meet your needs through his people, but you must humble yourself, reach out to a good support system, and take in the good. Do not continue to hide your talent in the ground and expect to get better. Learn to respond to and receive love, even if you’re clumsy at first.

Practice Boundary Skills

Your boundary skills are fragile and new. You can’t take them immediately into a difficult situation. Practice them in situations where they will be honored and respected. Begin saying no to people in your supportive group who will love and respect your boundaries.

When you are recovering from a physical injury, you do not pick up the heaviest weight first. You build up to the heavy stuff. Look at it as you would physical therapy.

Say No to the Bad

In addition to practicing new skills in safe situations, avoid hurtful situations. When you are in the beginning stages of recovery, you need to avoid people who have abused and controlled you in the past.

When you think you are ready to reestablish a relationship with someone who has been abusive and controlling in the past, bring a friend or supporter along. Be aware of your pull toward hurtful situations and relationships. The injury you are recovering from is serious, and you can’t reestablish a relationship until you have the proper tools. Be careful to not get sucked into a controlling situation again because your wish for reconciliation is so strong.

Forgive the Aggressor

Nothing clarifies boundaries more than Forgiveness. To forgive someone means to let him off the hook, or to cancel a debt he owes you. When you refuse to forgive someone, you still want something from that person, and even if it is revenge that you want, it keeps you tied to him forever.

Refusing to forgive a family member is one of the main reasons people are stuck for years, unable to separate from their dysfunctional families. They still want something from them. It is much better to receive grace From God, who has something to give, and to forgive those who have no money to pay their debt with. This ends your suffering, because it ends the wish for repayment that is never forthcoming and that makes your heart sick because your hope is deferred (Prov. 13:12).

If you do not forgive, you are demanding something your offender does not choose to give, even if it is only confession of what he did. This “ties” him to you and ruins boundaries. Let the dysfunctional family you came from go. Cut it loose, and you will be free.

Respond, Don’t React

When you react to something that someone says or does, you may have a problem with boundaries. If someone is able to cause havoc by doing or saying something, she is in control of you at that point, and your boundaries are lost. When you respond, you remain in control, with options and choices.

If you feel yourself reacting, step away and regain control of yourself so family members can’t force you to do or say something you do not want to do or say and something that violates your separateness. When you have kept your boundaries, choose the best option. The difference between responding and reacting is choice. When you are reacting, they are in control. When you respond, you are.

Learn to Love in Freedom and Responsibility, Not in Guilt

The best boundaries are loving ones. The person who has to remain forever in a protective mode is losing out on love and freedom. Boundaries in no way mean to stop loving. They mean the opposite: you are gaining freedom to love. It is good! to sacrifice and deny yourself for the sake of others. But you need boundaries to make that choice.
Practice purposeful giving to increase your freedom. Sometimes people who are building boundaries feel that to do someone a favor is codependent. Nothing is farther from the truth. Doing good for someone, when you freely choose to do it, is boundary enhancing. Codependents are not doing good; they are allowing evil because they are afraid.

Common Boundary Myths

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One of the definitions of a myth is a fiction that looks like a truth. Sometimes it sounds so true that Christians will believe it automatically. Some of these myths come from our family backgrounds. Some come from our church or theological foundations. And some come from our own misunderstandings. Whatever the source, prayerfully investigate the following “sounds-like-truths.”

Myth #1: If I Set Boundaries. I’m Being Selfish

“Now, wait a minute,” Teresa said, shaking her head. “How can I set limits on those who need me? Isn’t that living for me and not for God?”

Teresa was voicing one of the main objections to boundary setting for Christians: a deep-seated fear of being self-centered, interested only in one’s on concerns and not those of others.

It is absolutely true that we are to be a loving people. Concerned for the welfare of others. In fact, the number-one hallmark of Christians is that we love others (John 13:35).

So don’t boundaries turn us from other-centeredness to self-centeredness? The answer is no. Appropriate boundaries actually increase our ability to care about others. People with highly developed limits are the most caring people on earth. How can this be true?

First, let’s make a distinction between selfishness and stewardship. Selfishness has to do with a fixation on our on wishes and desires, to the exclusion of our responsibility to love others. Though having wishes and desires is a God-given trait (Prov. 13:14), we are to keep them in line with healthy goals and responsibility.

For one thing, we may not want what we need. Mr. Insensitive may desperately need help with the fact that he’s a terrible listener. But he may not want it. God is much more interested in meeting our needs than he is granting all our wishes. For example, he denied Paul’s wish to heal his thorn in the flesh (2 Cor. 12:7-10). At the same time, he met Paul’s needs to the point that Paul felt content and full.

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. (Phil. 4:12-13)

It helps the Christian afraid of setting boundaries to know that God meets our needs. “God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 4:19). At the same time, God does not make our wishes and desires “all bad either. He will meet many of them.

Our Needs Are Our Responsibility

Even with God’s help, however, it is crucial to understand that meeting our own needs is basically our job. We can’t wait passively for others to take care of us. Jesus told us to “Ask . . . seek ... knock” (Matt. 7:7). We are to “work out [our] salvation with fear and trembling” (Phil. 2:12). Even knowing that “it is God who works in [us]” (Phil. 2:13), we are our own responsibility.

This is a very different picture than many of us are used to. Some individuals see their needs as bad, selfish, and at best, a luxury. Others see them as something that God or others should do for them. But the biblical picture is clear: our lives are our responsibility.

At the end of our lives this truth becomes crystal clear. We will all “appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad” (2 Cor. 5:10). A sobering thought.

Stewardship

A helpful win to in understanding setting limits is that am lives are a gift from God. Just as a store manager takes good care of a shop for the owner, we are to do the same with our souls. If a lack of boundaries causes us to mismanage the store, the owner has a right to be upset with us.

We are to develop our lives, abilities, feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. Our spiritual and emotional growth is God’s “interest” on his investment in us. When we say no to people and activities that are hurtful to us, we are protecting God’s investment. As you can see, there’s quite a difference between selfishness and stewardship.

Myth #2: Boundaries Are a Sign of Disobedience

Many Christians Fear that setting and keeping limits signals rebellion, or disobedience. In religious circles you’ll often hear statements such as, “Your unwillingness to go along with our program shows an unresponsive heart.” Because of this myth, countless individuals remain trapped in endless activities of no genuine spiritual and emotional value.

The truth is life-changing: a lack of boundaries is often a sign of disobedience. People who have shaky limits are often compliant on the outside, but rebellious and resentful on the Inside. They would like to be able to say no, but are afraid. So they cover their fear with a half-hearted yes, as Barry did.

Barry had almost made it to his car after church when Ken caught up with him. Here goes, Barry thought. Maybe I can still get out of this one.

“Barry!” Ken boomed. “Glad I caught you!”

The singles class officer in charge of Bible studies, Ken was a dedicated recruiter to the studies he presided over; however, he was often insensitive to the fact that not everyone wanted to attend his meetings.

“So which study can I put you down for, Barry? The one on prophecy, evangelism, or Mark?”

Barry thought desperately to himself. I could say, “None of the above interest me. Don’t call me—I’ll call you.” But he’s a ranking officer in the singles class. He could jeopardize my relationships with others in the group. I wonder which class will be the shortest?

“How about the one on prophecy?” Barry guessed. He was wrong.

“Great! We’ll be studying end times for the next eighteen months! See you Monday.” Ken walked off triumphantly.

Let’s take a look at what just happened. Barry avoided saving no to Ken. At first glance, it looks like he made a choice for obedience. He committed himself to a Bible study. That’s a good thing, right? Absolutely.

But take a second look. What were Barry’s motives for not saving no to Ken? What were the “thoughts and attitudes of the heart” (Heb. 4:2)? Fear. Barry was afraid of Ken’s political clout in the singles group. He feared that he would lose other relationships if he disappointed Ken.

Why is this important? Because it illustrates a biblical principle: an internal no nullifies an external yes. God is more concerned with our hearts than he is with our outward compliance. “For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings” (Hos. 6:6).

In other words, if we say yes to God or anyone else when we really mean no, we move into a position of compliance. And that is the same as lying. Our lips say yes, but our hearts (and often our half-hearted actions) say no. Do you really think Barry will finish out his year and a half with Ken’s Bible study? The odds are that some priority will arise to sabotage Barry’s commitment, and he’ll leave—but without telling Ken the real reason why.

Here’s a good way to look at this myth that boundaries are a sign of disobedience: if we can’t say no, we can’t say yes. Why is this? It has to do with our motivation to obey, to love, or to be responsible. We must always say yes out of a heart of love. When our motive is fear, we love not.

The Bible tells us how to be obedient: “Each of you must give as you have made up your mind. not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver” (2 Cor. 9:7 NRSV, italics mine)

Look at the first two ways of giving: “reluctantly” and “under compulsion.” They both involve fear—either of a real person or a guilty conscience. These motives can’t exist side by side with love, because “there is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear” (1 John 4:18 NASB). Each of us must give as we have made up our minds. When we are afraid to say no, our yes is compromised.

God has not interest in our obeying out of fear “because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love (1 john 4:18). God wants a response of love.

Are boundaries a sign of disobedience? They can be. We can say no to good things for wrong reasons. But having a “no” helps us to clarify, to be honest, to tell the truth about our motives; then we can allow God to work in us. This process cannot be accomplished in a fearful heart.

Myth #3: If I Begin Setting Boundaries, I Will Be Hurt by Others

Usually the quiet one in her women’s Bible study group, Debbie spoke up. The topic of the evening was biblical conflict resolution, and she couldn’t be silent another second. “I know how to present facts and arguments about my opinion in a caring way. But my husband will walk out on me if I start disagreeing! Now what do I do?”

Debbie’s problem is shared by many. She genuinely believes in boundaries, but she is terrified of their consequences.

Is it possible that others will become angry at our boundaries and attack or withdraw from us? Absolutely. God never gave us the power or the right to control how others respond to our no. Some will welcome it; some will hate it.

Jesus told the rich young man a hard truth about eternal life. He understood that the man worshiped money. So he told him to give it away—to make room in his heart for God. The results were not encouraging: “When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth” (Matt. 19:22).

Jesus could have manipulated the situation so that it was less hard to swallow. He could have said, “Well, how about ninety percent?” After all, he’s God, and he makes up the rules! But he didn’t. He knew that the young man had to know whom to worship. So he let him walk away.

We can do no less. We can’t manipulate people into swallowing our boundaries by sugarcoating them. Boundaries are a “litmus test” for the quality of our relationships. Those people in our lives who can respect our boundaries will love our wills, our opinions, our separateness. Those who can’t respect our boundaries are telling us that they don’t love our no. They only love our yes, our compliance.

When Jesus said. “Woe to you when all men speak well of you, for that is how their fathers treated the false prophets (Luke 6:26), he was saying, Don’t be an ear tickler. Don’t be a chronic peacemaker. If everything you say is loved by everyone, the odds are good that you’re bending the truth.

Setting limits has to do with telling the truth. The Bible clearly distinguishes between those who love truth and those who don’t. First, there is the person who welcomes your boundaries. Who accepts them. Who listens to them. Who says “I’m glad you have a separate opinion. It makes me a better person. This person is called wise, or righteous’.

The second type hates limits. Resents your difference. Tries to manipulate you into giving up your treasures. Try our “litmus test” experiment with your significant relationships. Tell them no in some area. You’ll either come out with increased intimacy—or learn that there was very little to begin with.

So what does Debbie, whose husband is an avowed “boundary buster,” do? Will her husband carry out his threat to walk out on her? He might. We can’t control the other person. But if the only thing keeping Debbie’s husband home is her total compliance, is this a marriage at all? And how will problems ever he addressed when she and he avoid them?

Do Debbie’s boundaries condemn her to a life of isolation? Absolutely not. If telling the truth causes someone to leave you, this gives the church an opportunity to provide support and a spiritual and emotional “home” to the abandoned person.

In no way are we advocating divorce. The point is that you can’t make anyone stay with or love you. Ultimately that is up to your partner. Sometimes setting boundaries clarifies that you were left a long time ago, in every way, perhaps, except physically. Often, when a crisis like this occurs, it helps the struggling couple reconcile and remake their marriage into a more biblical one. The problem was raised, and now can be addressed.

Warning: the boundaryless spouse who develops limits begins changing in the marriage. There are more disagreements. There are more conflicts over values, schedules, money, kids, and sex. Quite often, however, the limits help the out-of-control spouse begin to experience the necessary pain that can motivate him or her to take more responsibility in the marriage. Many marriages are strengthened after boundaries are set because the Spouse begins to miss the relationship.

Will some people abandon or attack us for having boundaries? Yes. Better to learn about their character and take steps to fix the problem than never to know.

Bonding First, Boundaries Second

Gina listened attentively to her counselor as he presented her boundary problems. “It all seems to make sense now,” she said as she left the session. “I can see changes I’m going to have to make”

The next session was quite different. She entered the office defeated and hurt. “These boundaries aren’t what they’re cracked up to be,” she said sadly, “This week I confronted my husband, my kids, my parents, and my friends on how they don’t respect my boundaries. And now nobody will talk to me!”

What was the problem? Gina certainly jumped into her boundary work with both feet—but she neglected to find a safe place to work on boundaries. It isn’t wise to immediately alienate yourself from everyone important to you. Remember that you are made for relationship. You need people. You must have places where you are connected, where you are loved unconditionally. It’s only from that place of being “rooted and grounded in love” (Eph. 3:17 NASB) that you can safely begin learning to tell the truth. This is how you can prepare yourself for the resistance of others to your setting of biblical boundaries.

Myth #4: If I Set Boundaries, I Will Hurt Others

“The biggest problem with telling my mother no is the ‘hurt silence,’” Barbara said. “It lasts about forty-five seconds, and it always happens after I tell her I can’t visit her. It’s only broken by my apologizing for my selfishness and setting up a time to visit, Then she’s fine, I’ll do anything to avoid that silence.”

If you set boundaries you fear that your limits will injure someone else—someone you would genuinely like to see happy and fulfilled:

• The friend who wants to borrow your car when you need it

• The relative in chronic financial straits who desperately asks for a loan

• The person who calls for support when you are in bad shape yourself

The problem is that sometimes you see boundaries as an offensive weapon. Nothing could be further from the truth. Boundaries are a defensive tool. Appropriate boundaries don’t control, attack, or hurt anyone. They simply prevent your treasures from being taken at the wrong time. Saying no to adults, who are responsible for getting their own needs met, may cause some discomfort. They may have to look elsewhere. But it doesn’t cause injury.

This principle doesn’t speak only to those who would like to control or manipulate us. It also applies to the legitimate needs of others. Even when someone has a valid problem, there are times when we can’t sacrifice for some reason or another. Jesus left the multitudes, for example, to be alone with his Father (Matt. 14:22-23). In these instances, we have to allow others to take responsibility for their “knapsacks” (Gal. 6:5) and to look elsewhere to get their needs met.

This is a crucial point. We all need more than God and a best friend. We need a group of supportive relationships. The reason is simple: having more than one person in our lives allows our friends to be human. To be busy. To be unavailable at times. To hurt and have problems of their own. To have time alone.

Then, when one person can’t be there for us, there’s another phone number to call. Another person who may have something to offer. And we aren’t enslaved to the schedule conflict to one person.

This is the beauty behind the Bible’s teachings on the church, the body of Christ. We’re all a group of lumpy, bumpy, unfinished sinners, who ask for help and give help, who ask again and give again. And when our supportive network is strong enough, we all help each other mature into what God intended us to be: “showing forbearance to one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace (Eph. 4:2—3),

When we’ve taken the responsibility to develop several supportive relationships in this biblical fashion, we can take a no from someone. Why? Because we have somewhere else to go.

Remember that God had no problem telling Paul that he would not take away his thorn. He tells all of us no quite often! God doesn’t worry that his boundaries will injure us. He knows we are to take responsibility for our lives—and sometimes no helps us do just that.

Myth #5: Boundaries Mean That I Am Angry

Brenda had finally mustered up the courage to tell her boss she was no longer going to work weekends for no pay. She had asked for a meeting, which had gone well. Her boss had been understanding, and the situation was being ironed out. Everything had gone well, except inside Brenda,

It had begun innocently enough. Brenda had itemized her issues with the work situation and had presented her view and suggestions. But midway through her presentation, she’d been surprised by a sense of rage welling up inside. Her feeling of anger and injustice had been difficult to keep hidden. It had even slipped out in a couple of sarcastic comments about the boss’s golfing Fridays,” comments that Brenda had had no intention of making.

Sitting at her desk, Brenda felt confused. Where had the anger come from? Was she “that kind of person”? Maybe the culprit was these boundaries she’d been setting.

It’s no secret that quite often, when people begin telling the truth, setting limits, and taking responsibility, an “angry cloud” follows them around for a while, They become touchy and easily offended, and they discover a hair-trigger temper that frightens them. Friends will make comments like, “You’re not the nice, loving person I used to know.” The guilt and shame caused by these remarks can further confuse new boundary setters.

So do boundaries cause anger in us? Absolutely not. This myth is a misunderstanding of emotions in general, and anger specifically. Emotions, or feelings, have a function. They tell us something. They are a signal.

Here are some of the things our “negative” emotions tell us. Fear tells us to move away from danger, to be careful. Sadness tells us that we’ve lost something—a relationship, an opportunity, or an idea. Anger is also a signal. Like fear, anger signals danger. However, rather than urging us to withdraw, anger is a sign that we need to move forward to confront the threat. Jesus’ rage at the defilement of the temple is an example of how this feeling functions (John 2:13-17).

Anger tells us that our boundaries have been violated. Much like a nation’s radar defense system, angry feelings serve as an “early warning system,” telling us we’re in danger of being injured or controlled.

“So that’s why I find myself hostile to pushy salesmen!” Carl exclaimed, He couldn’t understand why he had a hard time loving sales personnel who couldn’t hear his no. They were attempting to get inside his financial boundaries, and Carl’s anger was simply doing its job.

Anger also provides us with a sense of power to solve a problem. It energizes us to protect ourselves, those we love, and our principles. In fact, a common Old Testament illustration of an angry person is someone with a “hard— breathing nose.” Imagine a bull in a ring, Snorting and pawing, getting the steam up to attack, and you’ll get the picture.

However, as with all emotions, anger doesn’t understand time. Anger doesn’t dissipate automatically if the danger occurred two minutes ago—or twenty years ago)! It has to be worked through appropriately. Otherwise, anger simply lives inside the heart.

This is why individuals with injured boundaries often are shocked by the rage they feel inside when they begin setting limits. This is generally not “new anger”—it’s “old anger.” It’s often years of nos that were never voiced, never respected, and never listened to. The protests against all the evil and violation of our souls sit inside us, waiting to tell their truths.

The Scriptures say that the earth quakes “under a slave when he becomes king” (Prov. 30:22). The only difference between a slave and a king is that one has no choices and the other has all choices available to him. When you suddenly give those who have been imprisoned all their lives a great deal of power, the result is often an angry tyrant. Years of constant boundary violations generate great anger.

It’s very common for boundary-injured people to do some “catching up” with anger. They may have a season of looking at boundary violations of the past that they never realized existed.

Nathan’s family was known in his small town as the ideal family. Other kids envied him growing up, saying, “You’re lucky your parents are so close to you—mine couldn’t care less about me.” Feeling a great deal of gratitude for his close family, Nathan never noticed that his family carefully controlled differences and separateness. No one ever really disagreed or fought over values or feelings. “I always thought conflict meant a loss of love,” he would say.

It wasn’t until Nathan’s marriage began suffering that he began questioning his past. He naively married a woman who manipulated and controlled him. Several years into the marriage, he knew it was in serious trouble. But to Nathan’s Surprise, he was not only angry at himself for getting into this mess, but also at his parents for not equipping him with tools for handling life better.

Because he genuinely loved the warm family in which he was raised, Nathan felt guilty and disloyal when he remembered occasions in which his attempts to separate from his parents and set his own limits were constantly and lovingly frustrated. Mom would cry about his argumentativeness. Dad would tell Nathan not to upset his mom. And Nathan’s boundaries remained immature and nonfunctional. The more clearly he saw what this had cost him, the angrier he felt. “I made my own choices in life,” he said. “But life would have been a lot better had they helped me learn to say no to people.

Did Nathan remain angry at his parents forever? No, and neither do you have to. As hostile feelings surface, bring them to relationship. Confess them. The Bible tells us to tell the truth to each other about our lacks, so that we may be healed (James 5:16). Experience the grace of God through others who love you in your anger. This is a first step toward resolving past anger.

A second step is to rebuild the injured parts of your soul. Take responsibility for healing the “treasures” that may have been violated. In Nathan’s case, his sense of personal autonomy and safety had been deeply wounded. He had to practice for a long time to regain this in his primary relationships. But the more he healed, the less anger he felt.

Finally, as you develop a sense of biblical boundaries, you develop more safety in the present. You develop more confidence. You are less enslaved to the fear of other people. In Nathan’s case set better limits with his wife and improved his marriage. As you develop better boundaries, you have less need for anger. This is because in many cases, anger was the only boundary you had. Once you have your no intact, you no longer need the “rage signal.” You can see evil coming your way and prevent it from harming you by your boundaries.

Don’t fear the rage you discover when you first begin your boundary development. It is the protest of earlier parts of your soul. Those parts need to be unveiled, understood, and loved by God and people. And then you need to take responsibility for healing them and developing better boundaries.

Boundaries Decrease Anger

This brings us to an important point about anger: The more biblical our boundaries are, the less anger we experience! Individuals with mature boundaries are the least angry people in the world. While those who are just beginning boundary work see their anger increase, this passes as boundaries grow and develop.

Why is this? Remember the “early warning system function of anger. We feel it when we are violated. If you can prevent boundary violation in the first place, you don’t need the anger. You are more in control of your life and values.

Tina resented her husband’s coming home forty-five minutes late to dinner every night. She had a hard time keeping the food hot; the kids were hungry and crabby, and their evening study schedule was thrown off. Things changed, however, when she began serving dinner on time, with or without her husband. He came home to refrigerated leftovers that he had to reheat and eat alone. Three or four sessions like this prompted Tina’s husband to tear himself away from work earlier!

Tina’s boundary (eating with the kids on time) kept her from feeling violated and victimized. She got her needs met, the kids’ needs met, and she didn’t feel angry anymore. The old saying, “Don’t get mad. Just get even” isn’t accurate. It’s far better to say, “Don’t get mad. Set a limit!”

Myth #6: When Others Set Boundaries, It Injures Me

“Randy, I’m sorry, but I can’t lend you the money,” Pete said. “This is just a bad time for me.

My best friend, Randy thought to himself. I come to him in need, and he refuses me. What a blow! I guess that shows me what kind of friendship we really have.

Randy is preparing to embark on a life of boundarylessness with others. Why? Because being on the “receiving end” was hurtful to him. He even made an emotional vow never to put anyone else through his experience.

Many of us are like Randy. Having someone say no to our request for support leaves a bad taste in our mouths. It feels hurtful, rejecting, or cold. It becomes difficult to conceive of setting limits as being helpful or good.

Having to accept the boundaries of others is certainly not pleasant. None of us enjoys hearing the word no. Let’s look at why accepting others’ boundaries is such a problem.

First, having inappropriate boundaries set on us can injure us, especially in childhood. A parent can hurt a child by not providing the correct amount of emotional connection at the appropriate time. Children’s emotional and psychological needs are primarily the responsibility of the parents. The younger the child, the fewer places he or she can go to get those needs met. A self-centered, immature, or dependent parent can hurt a child by saying no at the wrong times.

Robert’s earliest memories were of being in his crib, alone in the room, for hours at a time. His parents would simply leave him there, thinking he was fine if he wasn’t crying. Actually, he had moved past trying to infant depression. Their no created a deep sense of being unwanted, which followed him into adulthood.

Second, we project our own injuries onto others. When we feel pain, one response is to “disown” the bad feeling and to throw it onto others. This is called projection. Quite often, people who have been hurt by inappropriate childhood boundaries will throw their fragility onto others. Sensing their own pain in others, they will avoid setting limits on others, as they imagine how devastating it would be to them.

Robert had extreme difficulty setting nighttime limits with his three-year-old daughter, Abby. Whenever she would cry about having to go to bed, he would panic inside, thinking, I’m abandoning my daughter—she needs me and I’m not there for her. Actually, he was a wonderful father, who read stories at night, prayed, and sang songs with his little girl. But he read his own pain in her tears. Robert’s injuries kept him from setting the correct limits on Abby’s wish to keep him singing songs and playing—until sunrise.

Third, an inability to receive someone’s boundary may mean there is an idolatrous relationship. Kathy felt wounded and isolated when her husband wouldn’t want to talk at night. His silence resulted in severe feelings of alienation. She began wondering if she were being injured by her husband’s boundaries.

The real problem, however, lay in Kathy’s dependence on her husband. Her emotional well—being rested on his being there for her at all times. He was to have provided everything that her own alcoholic parents hadn’t. When he had a bad day and withdrew, her own day was a disaster.

Though we certainly need each other, no one but God is indispensable. When a conflict with one significant person can bring us to despair, it is possible that we are putting that person on a throne that should only be occupied by God. We should never see one other person as the only source of good in the world. It hurts our spiritual and emotional freedom, and our development.

Ask yourself: “If the person I can’t hear no from were to die tonight, to whom would I go? It’s crucial to develop several deep, significant relationships. This allows those in our lives to feel free to say no to us without guilt because we have somewhere else to go.

When we have a person we can’t take no from, we have, in effect, handed over the control of our lives to them. All they have to do is threaten withdrawal, and we will comply. This occurs quite often in marriages, where one spouse is kept in emotional blackmail by the other’s threat to leave, Not only is this no way to live— it doesn’t work, either. The controller continues withdrawing whenever he or she is displeased. And the boundaryless person continues frantically scrambling to keep him or her happy. Dr. James Dobson’s Love Must Be Tough is a classic work on this kind of boundary problem.

Fourth, an inability to accept others’ boundaries can indicate a problem in taking responsibility. Randy, who needed a loan from his best friend, is an example of this problem. He was making Pete responsible for his own financial woes. Some people become so accustomed to others rescuing them that they begin to believe that their well-being is someone else’s problem. They feel let down and unloved when they aren’t bailed out. They fail to accept responsibility for their own lives.

Paul strongly confronted the Corinthians in a letter that has since been lost. He set limits on their rebelliousness. Thankfully, they responded well:

Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it—I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while—yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. (2 Cor. 7:8-9)

The Corinthians took, accepted, and responded well to Paul’s boundaries, whatever they were. That’s a sign of taking responsibility.

It’s helpful to remember Jesus Golden Ride here: “in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you” (Matt. 7:12). Apply it to setting limits. Do you want others to respect your boundaries? Then you must be willing to respect the boundaries of others.

Myth #7: Boundaries Cause Feelings of Guilt

Edward shook his head. “There’s something not right about all this for me,” he said. My folks were always so caring and concerned about me. It’s been such a great relationship. And then . . .” He paused, groping for words.

‘‘And then I met Judy and we got married. And that was wonderful. We saw my folks every week, sometimes more. Then the kids came along. Everything was fine. Until I got the job offer from across the country. It was the position of my dreams—Judy was excited about it, too.

“But as soon as I told my parents about the offer, things changed. I starter hearing them talk about Dad’s health—I hadn’t realized it was that bad. About Mom’s loneliness—about how we were the only bright spots in their lives. And about all the sacrifices they’d made for me.

“What do I do? They’re right… they’ve given their lives to me. How can I leave them after all that?”

Edward isn’t alone in his dilemma. One of the major obstacles to setting boundaries with others in our lives is our feelings of obligation. What do we owe not only our parents, but anyone who’s been loving toward us? What’s appropriate and biblical, and what isn’t?

Many individuals solve this dilemma by avoiding boundary setting with those to whom they feel an obligation. In this sense, they can avoid the guilty feelings that occur when they say no to someone who has been kind to them. They never leave home, never change schools or churches, and never switch jobs our friends. Even when it would be an otherwise mature move.

The idea is that because we have received something, we owe something. The problem is the nonexistent debt. The love we receive, or money, or time—or anything which causes us to feel obligated—should be accepted as a gift.

“Gift” implies no strings attached. All that’s really needed is gratitude. The giver has no second thought that the present will provide a return. It was simply provided because someone loved someone and wanted to do something for him or her. Period.

That is how God views his gift of salvation to us. It cost him his Son. It was motivated out of love for us. And our response is to receive it, and to be grateful. Why is gratitude so important? Because God knows that our gratitude for what he has done for us will move us to love others: “as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness” (Col. 2:7).

What do we owe those who are kind to us, who have genuinely cared for us? We owe them thanks. And from our grateful heart, we should go out and help others.

We need to distinguish here between those who “give to get” and those who truly give selflessly. It’s generally easy to tell the difference. If the giver is hurt or angered by a sincere thanks, the gift was probably a loan. If the gratitude is enough, you probably received a legitimate gift with no feelings of guilt attached.

God does an instructive job of keeping the issue of gratitude and boundaries separate. In Revelation’s letters to the seven churches, he singles out three churches (Ephesus, Pergamum, and Thyatira):

1. He praises their accomplishments (gratitude).

2. He then tells them that even so, he has “something against” them (2:4, 14, 20).

3. He finally confronts their irresponsibilities (boundaries).

He doesn’t allow the two issues to be confused. Neither should we.

Myth #8: Boundaries Are Permanent, and I’m Afraid of Burning My Bridges

“But what if I change my mind?” Carla asked. “I’m scared that I’ll set a boundary with my best friend, and then she’ll leave and forget about me.

It’s important to understand that your no is always subject to you. You own your boundaries. They don’t own you. If you set limits with someone, and she responds maturely and lovingly, you can renegotiate the boundary. In addition, you can change the boundary if you are in a safer place.

Changing and renegotiating boundaries has many biblical precedents: God chose not to destroy Nineveh, for example, when the city repented (Jonah 3:10). In addition, Paul rejected John Mark for a mission trip because the younger man had deserted Paul (Acts 15:37-39). Yet, years later, Paul requested John Mark’s companionship (2 Tim. 4:11). The timing was ripe to change his boundary.

As you’ve probably noticed, some of these myths are genuine misconceptions you may have learned from distorted teachings. Yet others simply result from the fear of standing up and saving no to unbiblical responsibility. Prayerfully review which myths have entangled and ensnared you. Search the Scripture mentioned in this chapter. And ask God to give you a sense of confidence that he believes in good boundaries more than you do.

Ten Laws of Boundaries

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Imagine for a moment that you live on another planet operating under different principles. Suppose your planet has no gravity and no need for a medium of exchange such as money. You get your energy and fuel from osmosis, instead of eating and drinking. Suddenly, without warning, you find yourself transported to Earth.

When you awake from your trip, you step out of your hovering spacecraft and fall abruptly to the ground. “Ouch!” you say, not knowing exactly why you fell. After regaining your composure, you decide to travel around a bit, but are unable to fly, because of this new phenomenon called gravity. So you start walking.

After a while, you notice that, strangely, you feel hungry and thirsty. You wonder why. Where you come from, the galactic system rejuvenates your body automatically. Luckily, you run across an earthling who diagnoses your problem and tells you that you need food. Better yet, he recommends a place where you can eat, called Jack’s Diner.

You follow his directions, go into the restaurant, and manage to order some of this Earth food that contains all the nutrients you need. You immediately feel better. But then, the man who gave you the food wants “seven dollars” for what he gave you. You have no idea what he’s talking about. After quite an argument, some men in uniforms come and take you away and put you in a small room with bars. What in the world is going on, you wonder.

You didn’t mean anyone harm, yet you are in “jail,” whatever that is. You can no longer move about as you want, and you resent it. You only tried to be about your own business, and now you have a sore leg, fatigue from your long walk, and a stomachache from eating too much. Nice place, this Earth.

Does this sound farfetched? People raised in dysfunctional families, or families where God’s ways of boundaries are not practiced, have experiences similar to that of the alien. They find themselves transported into adult life where spiritual principles that have never been explained to them govern their relationships and well-being. They hurt, are hungry, and may end up in jail, but they never know the principles that could have helped them operate in accord with reality instead of against it. So, they are prisoners of their own ignorance.

God’s world is set tip with laws and principles. Spiritual realities are as real as gravity, and if you do not know them, you will discover their effects. Just because we have not been taught these principles of life and relationships does not mean they will not rule. We need to know the principles God has woven into life and operate according to them. Below are ten laws of boundaries that you can learn to begin to experience life differently.

Law- #1: The Law of sowing and Reaping

The law of cause and effect is a basic law of life. The Bible calls it the law of Sowing and Reaping. “You reap whatever you sow. If you sow to your own flesh, you will reap corruption from the flesh; but if you Sow to the Spirit, you will reap eternal life from the Spirit’’ (Gal. 6:7-8 NRSV).

When God call us that we will reap what we sow, he is not punishing us; he’s telling us how things really are. If you smoke cigarettes, you most likely will develop a smoker’s hack, and you may even get lung cancer. If you overspend, you most likely will get calls from creditors, and you may even go hungry because you have no money for food. On the other hand if you eat right and exercise regularly, you may suffer from fewer colds and bouts with the flu. If you budget wisely, you will have money for the bill collectors and for the grocery store.

Sometimes, however, people don’t reap what they sow, because someone else steps in and reaps the consequences for them. If every time you overspent, your mother sent you money to cover check overdrafts or high credit-card balances, you wouldn’t reap the consequences of your spend-thrift ways. Your mother would be protecting you from the natural consequences: the hounding of creditors or going hungry.

As the mother in the above example demonstrates, the Law of’ Sowing and Reaping can he interrupted. And it is often people who have no boundaries who do the interrupting. Just as we can interfere with the law of gravity by catching a glass tumbling off the table, people can interfere with the Law of Cause and Effect by stepping in and rescuing irresponsible people. Rescuing a person from the natural consequences of his behavior enables him to continue in irresponsible behavior. The Law of Sowing and Reaping has not been repealed. It is still operating. But the doer is not suffering the consequences; someone else is.

Today we call a person who continually rescues another person a codependent. In effect, codependent, boundary-less people “co-sign the note” of life for the irresponsible person. Then they end up paying the bills—physically, emotionally, and spiritually—and the spendthrift continues out of control with no consequences. He continues to be loved, pampered, and treated nicely.

Establishing boundaries helps codependent people stop interrupting the Law of Sowing and Reaping in their loved one’s life. Boundaries force the person who is doing the sowing to also do the reaping.

It doesn’t help just to confront the irresponsible person. A client will often say to me, “But I do confront Jack. I have tried many times to let him know what I think about his behavior and that he needs to change.” In reality, my client is only nagging Jack. Jack will not feel the need to change because his behavior is not causing him any pain. Confronting an irresponsible person is not painful to him; only consequences are.

If Jack is wise, confrontation might change his behavior. But people caught in destructive patterns are usually not wise. They need to suffer consequences before they change their behavior. The Bible tells us it is worthless to confront foolish people: “Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you; rebuke a wise man and he will love you” (Prov. 9:8).

Codependent people bring insults and pain onto themselves when they confront irresponsible people. In reality, they just need to stop interrupting the law of sowing and reaping in someone’s life.

Law #2: The Law of Responsibility

Many times when people hear a talk on boundaries and taking responsibility for their own lives, they say, “That’s so self-centered. We should love one another and deny ourselves.” Or, they actually become selfish and self-centered. Or, they feel “guilty” when they do someone a favor. These are unbiblical views of responsibility.

The Law of Responsibility includes loving others. The commandment to love is the entire law for Christians (Gal. 5:13-14). Jesus calls it my commandment, “Love each other as I have loved you” (John 5: 12-13). Anytime you are not loving others, you are not taking full responsibility for yourself; you have disowned your heart.

Problems arise when boundaries of responsibility are confused. We are to love one another, not be one another. I can’t feel your feelings for you. I can’t think for you. I can’t behave for you. I can’t work through the disappointment that limits bring for you. In short, I can’t grow for you; only you can. Likewise, you can’t grow for me. The biblical mandate for our own personal growth is ‘‘Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose (Phil. 2: 12-13). You are responsible for yourself. I am responsible for myself.

An additional theme in the Bible says that we are to treat others the way we would want to be treated. If we were down and out, helpless and without hope, we would certainly want help and provision. This is a very important side of being responsible “to.”

Another aspect of being responsible “to” is not only in the giving but in the setting of limits on another’s destructive and irresponsible behavior. It is not good to rescue someone from the consequences of their sin, for you will only have to do it again. You have reinforced the pattern (Prov. 19:19). It is the same principle spoken of in child rearing; it is hurtful to not have limits with others. It leads them to destruction (Prov. 23:13).

A strong strand throughout the Bible stresses that you are to give to needs and put limits on sin. Boundaries help you do just that.

Law #3: The Law of Power

As the Twelve Step movement grows within the church. Christians in therapy and recovery voice a common confusion. Am I powerless over my behavior? If I am, how can I become responsible? What do I have the power to do?

The Twelve Steps and the Bible teach that people must admit that they are moral failures. Alcoholics admit that they are powerless over alcohol: they don’t have the fruit of self-control. They are powerless over their addiction, much like Paul was: “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. . . . For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing . . . waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members (Rom. 7:15, 19, 23). This is powerlessness. John says that we are all in that state, and that anyone that denies it is lying (1 John 1:8).

Though you do not have the power in and of yourself to overcome these patterns, you do have the power to do some things that will bring fruits of victory later:

1. You have the power to agree with the truth about your problems. In the Bible this is called “confession.” To confess means to “agree with.” You have the ability to at least say “that is me.” You may not be able to change it yet, but you can confess.

2. You have the power to submit your inability to God. You always have the power to ask for help and yield. You have the power to humble yourself and turn your life over to him. You may not be able to make yourself well, but you can call the Doctor! The humbling of yourself commanded in the Bible is always coupled with great promises. If you do what you are able—confess, believe, and ask for help—God will do what you are unable to do—bring about change (1 John 1:9; James 4:7-10: Matt. 5:3, 6).

3. You have the power to search and ask God and others to reveal more and more about what is within boundaries.

4. You have the power to turn from the evil that you find within you. This is called repentance. This does not mean that you’ll be perfect; it means that you can see your sinful parts as aspects that you want to change

5. You have the power to humble yourself and ask God and others to help you with your developmental injuries and leftover childhood needs. Many of your problematic parts come from being empty inside, and you need to seek God and others to have those needs met.

6. You have the power to seek out those that you have injured arid make amends. You need to do this in order to be responsible for yourself and your sin, and be responsible to those you have injured. Matthew 5:23-24 says, “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother: then come and offer your gift.”

On the other Side of the coin, your boundaries help define what you do not have power over: everything outside of them! Listen to the way the serenity prayer (probably the best boundary prayer ever written) says it:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

In other words, God, clarify my boundaries! You can work on submitting yourself to the process and working with God to change you. You cannot change anything else; not the weather, the past, the economy—and especially not other people. You cannot change others. More people suffer from trying to change other than from any other sickness. And it is impossible.

What you can do is influence others. But there is a trick. Since you cannot get them to change, you must change yourself so that their destructive patterns no longer work on you. Change your way of dealing with them; they may be motivated to change if their old ways no longer work.

Another dynamic that happens when you let go of others is that you begin to get healthy, and they may notice and envy your health. They may want some of what you have.

One more thing, You need the wisdom to know what is you and what is not you. Pray for the wisdom to know the difference between what you have the power to change and what you do not.

Law #4: The Law of Respect

One word comes up again and again when people describe their problems with boundaries: they. “But they won’t accept me if I say no.” “But they will get angry if I set limits.” “But they won’t speak to fl)0 for a week if’ I tell them how I really feel.”

We fear that others will not respect our boundaries. We focus on others and lose clarity about ourselves. Sometimes the problem is that we judge others’ boundaries. We say or think things such as this:

‘‘How could he refuse to come by and pick me up? It’s right on his way! He could find some ‘time alone’ some other time.”

“That’s so selfish of her to not come to the luncheon. After all, the rest of us are sacrificing.”

“What do you mean, ‘no’? I just need the money for a little while.”

“It seems that, after all I do for you, you could at least do me this one little favor.”

We judge the boundary decisions of others, thinking that we know best how they “ought” to give, and usually that means “they ought to give to me the way I want them to!”

But the Bible says whenever we judge, we will be judged (Matt. 7:1-2). When we judge others’ boundaries, ours will fall under the same judgment. If we condemn others’ boundaries, we expect them to condemn ours. This sets up a fear cycle inside that makes us afraid to set the boundaries that we need to set. As a result, we comply, then we resent, and the “love” that we have “given” goes sour.

This is where the Law of Respect comes in. As Jesus said, “so in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you (Matt. 7:12). We need to respect the boundaries of others. We need to love the boundaries of others in order to command respect for our own. We need to treat their boundaries the way we want them to treat ours.

If we love and respect people who tell us no, they will love and respect our no. Freedom begets freedom. If we are walking in the Spirit, we give people the freedom to make their own choices. “Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom” 2 Cor 3: 17). If we are going to judge at all, it needs to be by the “perfect law that gives freedom’’ (James 1:25).

Our real concern with others should not be “Are they doing what I would do or what I want them to do?” but “Are they really making a free choice?” When we accept others freedom, we don’t get angry, feel guilty, or withdraw our love when they set boundaries with us. When we accept others’ freedom, we feel better about our own.

Law #5: The Law of Motivation

Stan was confused. He read in the Bible and was taught in church that it was more blessed to give than to receive, but he found that this often was not true. He frequently felt unappreciated for “all he was doing.” He wished people would have more consideration for his time and energy. Yet, whenever someone wanted something from him, he would do it. He thought this was loving, and he wanted to be a loving person.

Finally, when the fatigue grew into depression, he came to see me.

When I asked what was wrong, Stan replied that he was “loving too much.”

“How can you ‘love too much?’” I asked. “I’ve never heard of such a thing.”

“Oh, it’s very simple,” replied Stan. “I do far more for people than I should. And that makes me very depressed.”

I’m not quite sure what you are doing,” I said, “but it certainly isn’t love. The Bible says that true love leads to a blessed state and a state of cheer. Love brings happiness, not depression. If your loving is depressing you, it’s probably not love.”

I don’t see how you can say that. I do so much for everyone. I give and give and give. How can you say that I’m not loving?

“I can say that because of the fruit of your actions. You should be feeling happy, not depressed. Why don’t you tell me some of the things you do for people?

As we spent more time together, Stan learned that a lot of his “doing” and sacrificing was not motivated by love but by fear. Stan had learned early in life that if he did not do what his brother wanted, she would withdraw love from him. As a result, Stan learned to give reluctantly. His motive for giving was not love, but fear of losing love.

Stan was also afraid of other people’s anger. Because his father frequently yelled at him when he was a. boy, he learned to fear angry confrontations. This fear kept him from saying no to others. Self-centered people often get angry when someone tells them no.

Stan said yes out of fear that he would lose love and that other people would get angry at him. These false motives and others keep us from setting boundaries:

1. Fear of loss of love, or abandonment. People who say yes and then resent saying yes fear losing someone’s love. This is the dominant motive of martyrs. They give to get love, and when they don’t get it, they feel abandoned.

2. Fear of others’ anger. Because of old hurts and poor boundaries, some people can’t stand for anyone to be mad at them.

3. Fear of loneliness. Some people give in to others because they feel that that will “win” love and end their loneliness.

4. Fear of losing the “good me” inside. We are made to love. As a result, when we are not loving, we are in pain. Many people cannot say, “I love you and I do not want to do that.” Such a statement does not make sense to them. They think that to love means to always say yes.

5. Guilt. Many people’s giving is motivated by guilt. They are trying to do enough good things to overcome the guilt inside and feel good about themselves. When they say no, they feel bad. So they keep trying to earn a sense of goodness.

6. Payback. Many people have received things with guilt messages attached. For example, their parents say things like, “I never had it as good as you.” “You should be ashamed at all you get.” They feel a burden to pay for all they have been given.

7. Approval. Many feel as if they are still children seeking parental approval. Therefore, when someone wants something from them, they need to give so that this symbolic parent will be “well pleased.”

8. Over-identification with the others’ loss. Many times people have not dealt with all their own disappointments and losses, so whenever they deprive someone else with a no, they “feel” the other persons sadness to the nth degree. They can’t stand to hurt someone that badly, so they comply.

The point is this: we were called into freedom, and this freedom results in gratitude, an overflowing heart, and love for others. To give bountifully has great reward. It is truly more blessed to give than to receive. If your giving is not leading to cheer, then you need to examine the Law of Motivation.

The Law of Motivation says this: Freedom first, service second. If you serve to get free of your fear, you are doomed to failure. Let God work on the fears, resolve them, and create some healthy boundaries to guard the freedom you were called to.

Law #6: The Law of Evaluation

“But if I told him I wanted to do that, wouldn’t he be hurt?” Jason asked. When Jason told me he wished to assume responsibility for tasks his business partner was performing poorly, I encouraged him to talk to his partner.

“Sure he might be hurt,” I said, in response to his question. “So, what’s your problem?”

“Well, I wouldn’t want to hurt him,” Jason said, looking at me as though I should have known that.

“I’m sure you would not want to hurt him,” I said. “But what does that have to do with the decision you have to make?”

“Well, I couldn’t just make a decision without taking his feelings into account. That’s cruel.”

“I agree with you. That would be cruel. But, when are you going to tell him?’

“You just said that to tell him would hurt him and that would be cruel,” Jason said, perplexed.

“No, I didn’t,” I replied. “I said to tell him without considering his feelings would be cruel. That is very different from not doing what you need to do.”

“I don’t see any difference. It would still hurt him.”

“But it would not harm him, and that’s the big difference. If anything, the hurt would help him.”

“Now I’m really confused. How can it possibly help to hurt him?”

“Well, have you ever gone to the dentist?” I asked.

“Sure.”

“Did the dentist hurt you when he drilled your tooth to remove the cavity?’’

“Yes.”

“Did he harm you?”

“No, he made me feel better.”

“Hurt and harm are different, I pointed out. “When you ate the sugar that gave you the cavity, did that hurt?”

No, it tasted good, he said, with a smile that told me he was catching on.

“Did it harm you?”

“Yes.”

“That’s my point. Things can hurt and not harm us. In fact they can even be good for us. And things that feel good can be very harmful to us.”

You need to evaluate the effects of setting boundaries and be responsible to the other person, but that does not mean you should avoid setting boundaries because someone responds with hurt or anger. To have boundaries—in this instance, Jason’s saying no to his partner—is to live a purposeful life.

Jesus refers to it as the “narrow gate.” It is always earlier to go through the “broad gate of destruction and continue to not set boundaries where we need to. But, the result is always the same: destruction. Only the honest, purposeful life leads to good fruit. Deciding to set boundaries is difficult because it requires decision making and confrontation, which, in turn, may cause pain to someone you love.

We need to evaluate the pain caused by our making choices and empathize with it. Take Sandy, for example. Sandy chose to go skiing with friends instead of going home for Christmas vacation. Her mother was sad and disappointed, but she was not harmed. Sandy’s decision caused sadness, but her mothers sadness should not cause Sandy to change her mind. A loving response to her mothers hurt would be, “Oh, Mom, I’m sad that we won’t be together too. In looking forward to next summer’s visit.

If Sandy’s mother respected her freedom to make choices, she would say some thing like this: “I’m so disappointed that you’re not coming home for Christmas, but I hope you all have a great time.” She would be owning her disappointment and respecting Sandy’s choice to spend her time with friends.

We cause pain by making choices that others do not like, but we also cause pain by confronting people when they are wrong. But if we do not share our anger with another, bitterness and hatred can set in. We need to be honest with one another about how we are hurt. “Speak truthfully to [your] neighbor, for [you] are all members of one body (Eph. 4.25)

As iron sharpens iron, we need confrontation and truth from others to grow. No one likes to hear negative things about him or herself. But in the long run it may be good for us. The Bible says that if we are wise, we will learn from it. Admonition from a friend, while it can hurt, can also help.

We need to evaluate the pain our confrontation causes other people. We need to see how this hurt is helpful to others and sometimes the best thing that we can do for them and the relationship. We need to evaluate the pain in a positive light

Law #7; The Law of Proactivity

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Paul says that wrath and sinful passions are a direct reaction to the severity of the law (Rom. 4:15; 5:20; 7:5). In Ephesians and Colossians he says wrath and disillusionment can be reactions to parental injustice (Eph. 6:4; Col. 3:21).

Many of us have known people who, after years of being passive and compliant, suddenly go ballistic, and we wonder what happened. We blame it on the counselor they are seeing or the company they’ve been keeping.

In reality, they had been complying for years, and their pent-up rage explodes. This reactive phase of boundary creation is helpful, especially for victims. They need to get out of the powerless, victimized place in which they may have been forced by physical and sexual abuse, or by emotional blackmail and manipulation. We should herald their emancipation.

But when is enough enough? Reaction phases are necessary but not sufficient for the establishment of boundaries. It is crucial for the two-year-old to throw the peas at Mommy, but to continue that until forty-three is too much. It is crucial for victims of abuse to feel the rage and hatred of being powerless, but to be screaming “victim rights” for the rest of their lives is being stuck in a victim mentality.”

Emotionally, the reactive stance brings diminishing returns. You must react to find your own boundaries, but having found them, you must “not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature.... If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other” (Gal. 5:13, 15). Eventually, you must rejoin the human race you have reacted to, and establish connections as equals, loving your neighbor as yourself.

This is the beginning of the establishment of proactive, instead of reactive, boundaries. This is where you are able to use the freedom you gained through reacting to love, enjoy, and serve one another. Proactive people show you what they love, what they want, what they purpose, and what they stand for. These people are very different from those who are known by what they hate, what they don’t like, what they stand against, and what they will not do.

While reactive victims are primarily known by their “against” stances, proactive people do not demand rights, they live them. Power is not something you demand or deserve, it is something you express. The ultimate expression of power is love; it is the ability not to express power, but to restrain it. Proactive people are able to “love others as themselves.” They have mutual respect. They are able to “die to self and not “return evil for evil.” They have gotten past the reactive stance of the law and are able to love and not react.

Listen to Jesus compare the reactive person is still controlled by the law and others with the free person: “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eve for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you. Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also” (Matt. 5:38-39).

Do not try to get to freedom without owning your reactive period and feelings. You do not need to act this out, but you do need to express the feelings. You need to practice and gain assertiveness. You need to get far enough away From abusive people to be able to fence your property against further invasion. And then you need to own the treasures you find in your soul.

But, do not stay there. Spiritual adulthood has higher goals than “finding yourself.” A reactive stage is a stage, not an identity. It is necessary, but not sufficient.

Law #8: The Law of Envy

The New Testament speaks strongly against the envious heart. Consider James: “You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight” (James 4:2).

What does envy have to do with boundaries? Envy is probably the basest emotion we have. A direct result of the Fall, it was Satan’s sin. The Bible says that he had a wish to “be like the Most High.” He envied God. In turn, he tempted Adam and Eve with the same idea, telling them that they could be like God also. Satan and our parents, Adam and Eve, were not satisfied with who they were and could rightfully become. They wanted what they did not have, and it destroyed them.

Envy defines “good” as “what I do not possess,” and hates the good that it has. How many times have you heard someone subtly put down the accomplishments of others, somehow robbing them of the goodness they had attained? We all have envious parts to our personalities. But what is so destructive about this particular sin is that it guarantees that we will not get what we want and keeps us perpetually insatiable and dissatisfied.

This is not to say that it is wrong to want things we do not have. God has said that he will give us the desires of our heart. The problem with envy is that it focuses outside our boundaries, onto others. If we are focusing on what others have or have accomplished, we are neglecting our responsibilities and will ultimately have an empty heart. Look at the difference in Galatians 6:4: “Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else.”

Envy is a self-perpetuating cycle. Boundaryless people feel empty and unfulfilled. They look at another’s sense of fullness and feel envious. This time and energy needs to be spent on taking responsibility for their lack and doing something about it. Taking action is the only way out. “You have not because you ask not.” And the Bible adds “because you work not.” Possessions and accomplishments are not the only things we envy. We can envy a person’s character and personality, instead of developing the gifts God has given us (Rom. 12:6).

Think of these situations:

A lonely person stays isolated and envious of the close relationships others have.

A single woman withdraws from social life, envying the marriages and families of her friends.

A middle-aged woman feels stuck in her career and wants to pursue something she would enjoy, yet always has a “yes, but …” reason why she can’t, resenting and envying those who have “gone for it.”

A person chooses the righteous life, but envies and resents those who seem to be “having all the fun”

These people are all negating their own actions (Gal. 6:4) and comparing themselves to others, staying stuck and resentful. Notice the difference between those statements and these:

A lonely person owns his lack of relationships and asks himself and God, “1 wonder why I always withdraw from people. I can at least go and talk to a counselor about this. Even if I am afraid of social situations, I could seek some help. No one should live this way. I’ll make the call.”

The single woman asks, “I wonder why I never get asked out, or why I keep getting turned down for dates? What is wrong about what I am doing or how I’m communicating, or where I’m going to meet people? How could I become a more interesting person? Maybe I could join a therapy group to find out why or I could subscribe to a dating service to find people with interests similar to mine.”

The middle-aged woman asks herself, “Why am I reluctant to pursue my interests? Why do I feel selfish when I want to quit row job to do something I enjoy? What am I afraid of? If I were really honest, I would notice that the ones who are doing what they like have had to take some risks and sometimes work and go to school to change jobs. That may just be more than I am willing to do”

The righteous person asks himself, “If I am really ‘choosing to love and serve God, why do I feel like a slave? What is wrong with my spiritual life? What is it about me that envies someone living in the gutter?”

These people are questioning themselves instead of envying others. Your envy should always be a sign to you that you are lacking something. At that moment, you should ask God to help you understand what you resent, why you do not have whatever you are envying, and whether you truly desire it. Ask him to show you what you need to do to get there, or to give up the desire.

Law #.9: The Law of Activity

Human beings are responders and initiators. Many times we have boundary problems because we lack initiative—the God-given ability to propel ourselves into life. We respond to invitations and push ourselves into life.

The best boundaries are formed when a child is pushing against the world naturally, and the outside world sets its limits on the child. In this way, the aggressive child has learned limits without losing his or her spirit. Our spiritual and emotional well- being depends on our having this spirit.

Consider the contrast in the parable of the talents. The ones who succeeded were active and assertive. They initiated and pushed. The one who lost out was passive arid inactive.

The sad thing is that many people who are passive are not inherently evil or bad people. But evil is an active force, and passivity can become an ally of evil by not pushing against it. Passivity never pays off. God will match our effort, but he will never do our work for us. That would be an invasion of our boundaries. He wants us to be assertive and active, seeking and knocking on the door of life.

We know that God is not mean to people who are afraid; the Scripture is full of examples of his compassion. But he will not enable passivity. The “wicked and lazy” servant was passive, He did not try. God’s grace covers failure, but it cannot make up for passivity. We have to do our part.

The sin God rebukes is not trying and failing, but failing to try. Trying, failing, and trying again is called learning. Failing to try will have no good result; evil will triumph. God expresses his opinion toward passivity in Hebrews 10:38-39: “‘But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him.’ But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved.” Passive “shrinking back” is intolerable to God, and when we understand how destructive it is to the soul, we can see why God does not tolerate it. God wants us to “preserve our souls.” That is the role of boundaries; they define and preserve our property, our soul.

I have been told that when a baby bird is ready to hatch, if you break the egg for the bird, it will die. The bird must peck its own way out of the egg into the world. This aggressive “workout” strengthens the bird, allowing it to function in the outside world. Robbed of this responsibility, it will die.

This is also the way God has made us. If he “hatches” us, does our wonk for us, invades our boundaries, we will die. We must not shrink back passively. Our boundaries can only be created by our being active and aggressive, by our knocking, seeking, and asking (Matt. 7:7-8).

Law #10: The Law of Exposure

A boundary is a property line. It defines where you begin and end. We have been discussing why you need such a line. One reason stands above all the others: You do not exist in a vacuum. You exist in relation to God and others. Your boundaries define you in relation to others.

The whole concept of boundaries has to do with the fact that we exist in relationship. Therefore, boundaries are really about relationship, and finally about love. That’s why the Law of Exposure is so important.

The Law of Exposure says that your boundaries need to be made visible to others and communicated to them in relationship. We have many boundary problems because of relational fears. We are beset by fears of guilt, not being liked, loss of love, loss of connection, loss of approval, receiving anger, being known, and so on. These are all failures in love, and God’s plan is that we learn how to love. These relational problems can only be solved in relationships, for that is the context of the problems themselves, and the context of spiritual existence.

Because of these fears, we try to have secret boundaries. We withdraw passively and quietly, instead of communicating an honest no to someone we love. We secretly resent instead of telling someone that we are angry about how they have hurt us. Often, we will privately endure the pain of someone’s irresponsibility instead of telling them how their behavior affects us and other loved ones, information that would be helpful to their soul.

In other situations, a partner will secretly comply with her spouse, not offering her feelings or opinions for twenty years, and then suddenly “express” her boundaries by filing for divorce. Or parents will love their children by giving in over and over for years, not setting limits, and resenting the love they are showing, The children grow up never feeling loved, because of the lack of honesty, and their parents are befuddled, thinking, “After all we’ve done,”

In these instances, because of unexpressed boundaries, the- relationships suffered. An important thing to remember about boundaries is that they exist, and they will affect us, whether or not we communicate them. In the same way that the alien suffered from not knowing the laws of Earth, we suffer when we do not communicate the reality of our boundaries. If our boundaries are not communicated and exposed directly, they will be communicated indirectly or through manipulation.

The Bible speaks to this issue in many places. Listen to the words of Paul: “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. ‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry” (Eph, 4:25-26), The biblical mandate is be honest and be in the light. Listen further, “But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said: ‘Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you’”(Eph, 5: 13-14).

The Bible continually speaks of our being in the light and of the light as the only place where we have access to God and others. But, because of our fears, we hide aspects of ourselves in the darkness, where the devil has an opportunity. When our boundaries are in the light, that is, are communicated openly, our personalities begin to integrate for the first time. They become “visible,” in Paul’s words, and then they become light. They are transformed and changed. Healing always takes place in the light.

David speaks of it in this way: “Surely you desire truth in the inner parts: you teach me wisdom in the inmost place” (Ps. 51:6). God wants real relationship with us and wants us to have real relationship with each other. Real relationship means that I am in the light with my boundaries and other aspects of myself that are difficult to communicate. Our boundaries are affected by sin; they “miss the mark,” and need to be brought into the light for God to heal them and others to benefit from them. This is the path to real love: Communicate your boundaries openly.

Remember the story of the alien. The good news is that when God brings us out from an alien land, he does not leave us untaught. He rescued his people from the Egyptians, but, he taught them his principles and ways. These proved to be life to them. But, they had to learn them, practice them, and fight many battles to internalize these principles of faith.

God has probably led you out of captivity also. Whether it was from a dysfunctional family, the world, your own religious self-righteousness, or the scatteredness of being lost, he has been your Redeemer. But what he has secured needs to be possessed. The land to which he has brought you has certain realities and principles. Learn these as set forth in his Word, and you’ll find his kingdom a wonderful place to live,

How Boundaries Are Developed

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Jim had never been able say no to anyone, especially to his supervisors at work. He’d moved up to the position of operations manager in a large firm. His dependability had earned him the reputation of “Mr. Can Do.”

But his kids had another name for him: “The Phantom.” Jim was never home. Being “Mr. Can Do” meant late nights at the office. It meant business dinners several nights a week. It meant weekends on the road, even after he’d promised the kids fishing trips and trips to the zoo.

Jim didn’t like being absent so much, but he had justified it to himself, saving, This is my contribution to the kids, my way of giving them the good life. His wife, Alice, had rationalized the “dadless dinners” by telling the children (and herself), “This is Dad’s way of telling us he loves us.” And she almost believed it.

Finally, however, Alice had had enough. One night she sat Jim down on the couch in the family room and said, “I feel like a single parent, Jim. I missed you for a while, but now all I feel is nothing.”
Jim avoided her eyes. “Honey, I know, I know,” he replied. “I’d really like to say no to people more, but it’s just so hard to—”

“I found someone you can say no to,” Alice broke in. “Me and the kids!”

That did it. Something broke deep within Jim. A sense of pain, of guilt and shame, of helplessness and rage.

The words tumbled out of his mouth. “Do you think I like being like this, always giving in to others? Do you think I enjoy letting family down? Jim paused, struggling for composure. “All my life it’s been this way, Alice. I’ve always feared letting people down. I hate this part of me. I hate my life. How did I get like this?”

How did Jim “get like this”? He loved his family. The last thing he wanted was to neglect his most precious relationships: his wife and children. Jims problems didn’t start the day he was married. They developed during his early significant relationships. They were already a part of his character structure.

How do boundary abilities develop? That’s the purpose of this chapter. We hope you’ll be able to gain some understanding of where your own boundaries started crumbling or became set in concrete—and how to repair them.

As you read this section, remember David’s prayer to God about his life and development:

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (Ps. 139:23-24)

God’s desire is for you to know where your injuries and deficits are, whether self-induced or other-induced. Ask him to shed light on the significant relationships and forces that have contributed to your own boundary struggles. The past is your ally in repairing your present and ensuring a better future.

Boundary Development

Remember the old saying, “Insanity is genetic. You inherit it from your kids”? Well, boundaries aren’t inherited. They are built. To be the truth-telling, responsible, free, and loving people God wants us to be we need to learn limits from childhood on. Boundary development is an ongoing process, yet its most crucial stages are in our very early years, where our character is formed.

The Scriptures advise parents to “train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it” (Prov. 22:6). Many parents misunderstand this passage. They think “the way he should go” means “the way we, the parents think he (or she) should go.’’ Can you see the boundary conflicts already beginning?

The verse actually means “the way God has planned for him (or her) to go.” In other words, good parenting isn’t emotionally bludgeoning the child into some clone or ideal of the perfect child. It’s being a partner in helping young ones discover what God intended for them to be and helping them reach that goal.

The Bible teaches that we pass through life in stages. John writes to “little children,” “young men,” and “fathers.” Each group has distinct tasks to perform (1 John 2:12-13 KJV).

Boundaries also develop in specific, distinct phases that you can perceive. In fact, by noting infants and children in their early parental interactions, child development professionals have able to record the specific phases of boundary development.’

Bonding: The Foundation of Boundary Building

Wendy couldn’t understand it. Something wasn’t jelling. All those codependency books. All those assertiveness tapes. All that self-talk about being more confrontive. And yet, every time she talked to her mother on the phone, all the advice, all the self-help techniques melted away into vague, cloudy memories.

A typical conversation about Wendy’s children would always conclude with her mom’s analysis of Wendy’s imperfect parenting style. “I’ve been a mother longer than you,” Mom would say. “Just do it my way.

Wendy resented her advice. It wasn’t that she wasn’t open to guidance—Lord knows she could use it. It was just that her mom thought her way was the only way. Wendy wanted a new relationship with her mom. She wanted to be honest about her mom’s control, her polite put-downs, and her inflexibility. Wendy wanted an adult-to-adult friendship with her mom.

But the words wouldn’t pass her lips. She’d write letters explaining her feelings. She’d rehearse before telephoning. Yet, when the time came, she panicked and remained silent. She well know how to be compliant, appreciative, and childlike with her mom. It was only later, when she became angry, that she knew she’d been taken to task again. She was beginning to give up hope that things would ever change.

Wendy’s struggle illustrates a basic need that we all have in boundary building. No matter how much you talk to yourself, read, study, or practice, you can’t develop or set boundaries a part from supportive relationships with God and others. Don’t even try to start setting limits until you have entered into deep, abiding attachments with people who will love you no matter what.

Our deepest need is to belong, to be in a relationship, to have a spiritual and emotional “home.” The very nature of God is to be in relationship: “God is love,” says 1 John 4:16. Love means relationship—the caring, committed connection of one individual to another.

Like God, our most central need is to be connected. When God said that even in his perfect new universe, it wasn’t “good for the man to be alone” (Gen. 2:18), he wasn’t talking about marriage. He was talking about relationship— other people outside ourselves to bond with, trust, and go to for support.

We are built for relationship. Attachment is the foundation of the soul’s existence. When this foundation is cracked or faulty, boundaries become impossible to develop. Why? Because when we lack relationship, we have nowhere to go in a conflict. When we are not secure that we are loved, we are forced to choose between two bad options:

1. We set limits and risk losing a relationship. This was Wendy’s fear. She was afraid her mother would reject her, and she would be isolated and alone. She still needed Mom’s connection to feel secure.
2. We don’t set limits arid remain a prisoner to the wishes of another. By not setting limits on her mom, Wendy was a prisoner to her mom’s wishes.

So the first developmental task of infants is to bond with their mom and dad. They need to learn that they are welcome and safe in the world. To bond with baby, Mom and Dad need to provide a consistent, warm, loving, and predictable emotional environment for him or her. During this stage, Mom’s job is to woo the child into entering a relationship with the world— via attachment with her. (Most often, this is Mom’s job, but dad or a caregiver can do this as well.)

Bonding takes place when the mother responds to the needs of the child, the needs for closeness, for being held, for food, and for changing. As baby experiences needs and the mother’s positive response to those needs, he or she begins to internalize, or take in. an emotional picture of a loving, constant mother.

Babies, at this stage, have no sense of self apart from Mother. They think, “Mommy and me are the same.” It’s Sometimes called symbiosis, a Sort of “swimming in closeness with Mother. This symbiotic union is the reason babies panic when Mother isn’t around. No one can comfort them but their mother.

The emotional picture developed by infants forms from thousands of experiences in the first few months of life. The ultimate goal of Mother’s “being there” is a state called emotional object constancy. Object constancy refers to the child’s having an internal sense of belonging and safety, even away from the presence of the mother. All those experiences of constant loving pay off in a child’s inner sense of security. It’s been built in.

Object constancy is referred to in the Bible as “being rooted and established in love” (Eph. 3:17) and as having been “rooted and built up in [Christ]” (Col. 2:7). It illustrates the principle that God’s plan for us is to be loved enough by him and others, to not feel isolated—even when we are alone.

Bonding is the prelude. As children learn to feel safe and at home with their primary relationships, they are building good foundations to withstand the separateness and conflict that comes with boundary development.

Separation and Individuation: The Construction of a Soul

“It’s like a switch was thrown,” said Millie to the friends who made up her church Mom’s Group. The Mom’s Group provided activities and at place to talk for mothers of infants and toddlers. “On her first birthday—to the very day—my Hillary became the most difficult child I’d ever seen. This is the same baby who, the day before, had eaten her spinach like it was her last meal. The next day, though, it all ended up on the floor!”

Millie’s exasperation was met with approving nods and smiles. The mothers all agreed—their babies had seemed to switch personalities around the same time. Gone were the agreeable, lovable infants. In their places were cranky, demanding toddlers.

What had happened? Any competent pediatrician or child therapist will attest to a shift that begins during the first year of life and continues until about three years. A shift which, though sometimes disruptive and chaotic, is completely normal. And part of God’s plan for the child.

As infants gain a sense of internal safety and attachment, a second need arises. The baby’s need for autonomy, or independence, starts to emerge. Child experts call this separation and individuation. “Separation” refers to the child’s need to perceive him or herself as distinct from Mother, a “not-me” experience. “Individuation” describes the identity the child develops while separating from Mother. It’s a me experience.

You can’t have “me” until you first have a “not-me.” It’s like trying to build a house on a plot of land filled with trees and wild brush. You must first cut away some space, then begin building your home. You must first determine who you aren’t before you discover the true, authentic aspects of your God-given identity.

The only recorded instance of Jesus’ boyhood describes this principle. Remember when Jesus’ mother and father left Jerusalem without him? When they went back and found him teaching in the temple, his mother admonished him. Jesus’ words to his mother were, “Why were you searching for me? Didn’t you know I had to be in my Father’s house?” (Luke 2:49). Translation: I have values, thoughts, and opinions that are different from yours, Mother. Jesus knew who he was not, as well as who he was.

The separation-individuation process isn’t a smooth transition into a person. Three phases are critical to developing healthy boundaries in childhood: hatching, practicing, and rapprochement.

Hatching: “Mommy and Me Aren’t the Same”

It’s not fair,’’ a mother of a five—month—old boy told me. “We had four months of bliss and closeness. I loved Eric’s helplessness, his dependency. He needed me, and I was enough for him.’’

“All of a sudden it changed. He got—I don’t know how to Say it—more restless, wigglier. He didn’t always want me to hold him. He became more interested in other people, even in brightly colored toys, than me!

“I’m beginning to get the picture,” the woman concluded. “He needed me for four months. Now motherhood is spending the next seventeen and half years letting him leave me!”

In many ways, this mother got the picture. The first five to ten months of life mark a major shift in infants: from “Mommy and me are the same” to “Mommy and me aren’t the same.” During this period, babies begin moving out of’ their passive union with Mother into an active interest in the outside world. They become aware that there’s a big, exciting world out there—and they want a piece of the action!

This period is called “hatching” or “differentiation” by child researchers. It’s a time of exploration, of touching, of tasting and feeling new things. Though children in this phase are still dependent on Mother, they aren’t wrapped up in closeness with her. The months of nurturing have paid off—the child feels safe enough to start taking risks. Watch crawlers in full tilt. They don’t want to miss out. This is a geographical boundary in motion—away from Mother.

Look into the eyes of a baby in the “hatching” phase. You can see Adam’s wide-eyed wonder at the flora, fauna, and majesty of the earth created for him by the Lord. You can see the desire to discover, the drive to learn hinted at in Job 11:7: “Can you discover the depths of God? Can you discover the limits of the Almighty?” No, we can’t. But we are created to discover, to experience the Creation and to know the creator.

This is difficult period for new mothers. As the mom in the beginning of this section described, it can be a letdown. It’s especially hard for women who have never realty “hatched” themselves. They long For nothing but closeness, neediness, and dependency from their baby. These women often conceive lots of children, or find ways to spend time with very young infants. They often with very voting don’t enjoy the “separating” part of mothering. They don’t like the distance between themselves and baby. It’s a painful boundary for Mother, but a necessary one for the child.

Practicing: “I Can Do Anything!”

But what’s wrong with wanting to have fun? Life wasn’t meant to be boring, protested Derek. In his late forties, Derek dressed like a college student. His face had that tanned, unlined look that appears unnatural on a middle— aged man.

Something was out of place. Derek was talking to his pastor about switching his membership from the thirty-five-and-older singles group to the twenties and thirties group. “They’re just not my speed. I like roller coasters, late nights out, and switching jobs. Keeps me young, you know?’’

Derek’s style describes someone still stuck in the second stage of separation—individuation: practicing. During this period, which usually lasts from age ten months to eighteen months (and then returns later), babies learn to walk and begin to use words.

The difference between hatching and practicing is radical. While the hatching baby is overwhelmed by this new world and still leans a great deal on Mother, the practicing child is trying to leave her behind! The newfound ability to walk opens up a sense of omnipotence. Toddlers feel exhilaration and energy. And they want to try everything, including walking down steep stairs, putting forks into electric sockets, and chasing cats’ tails.

People like Derek who are stuck in this stage can be lots of fun. Except when you pop their bubble about their unrealistic grandiosity and their irresponsibility. Then you become a “wet blanket.” It’s revealing to talk to the “wet blanket” who is married to a practicing child. No job is more tiring.

Proverbs 7:7 describes the youth stuck in the practicing stage: I saw among the simple, I noticed among the young men, a youth who lacked judgment.

This Young man had energy, but no impulse control, no boundaries on his passions. He becomes sexually promiscuous, which often happens to adults who are caught in this phase. And he ends up dead: “till an arrow pierces his liver, like a bird darting into a snare, little knowing it will cost him his life” (Prov. 7:23).

Practicers feel that they’ll never be caught. But life does catch up with them.

What practicing infants (the ones for whom omnipotence is appropriate!) need most from parents is a responsive delight in their delight, exhilaration at their exhilaration, and some safe limits to practice. Good parents have fun with toddlers who jump on the bed. Poor parents either quench their children’s desire by not allowing any jumping, or they set no limits and allow them to jump all over Mom and Dad’s orange juice and coffee. (Derek’s parents were the second type.)

In the practicing phase children learn that aggressiveness and taking initiative are good. Parents who firmly and consistently set realistic boundaries with children in this period, but without spoiling their enthusiasm, help them through the transition.

Have you ever seen the posters depicting “baby’s first steps”? Some of these portray a wrong notion. They present the child taking hesitant steps toward a waiting mother, arms outstretched. The truth is different. Most mothers report, “I watched my baby’s first steps from behind! The practicing toddler moves from safety and warmth to excitement and discovery. Physical and geographical boundaries help the child learn action without danger.

The practicing phase provides the child with the energy and drive to make the final step toward becoming an individual, but energetic exhilaration can’t last forever. Cars can’t always run at full speed. Sprinters can’t keep up the pace for miles. And practicing children must give way to the next phase, rapprochement.

Rapprochement: I Can’t Do Everything”

Rapprochement, which occurs from around eighteen months to three years, comes from a French word meaning “a restoration of harmonious relations.” In other words, the child comes back to reality. The grandiosity of the past few months slowly gives way to the realization that “I can’t do everything I want.” Children become anxious and aware that the world’s a scary place. They realize that they still need Mother.

The rapprochement phase is a return to connection with Mother, but this time it’s different. This time the child brings a more separate self into the relationship. There are two people now, with differing thoughts and feelings. And the child is ready to relate to the outside world without losing a sense of self.

Typically, this is a difficult period for both children and parents. Rapprochement toddlers are obnoxious, oppositional, temperamental, and downright angry. They can remind you of someone with a chronic toothache.

Let’s look at some of the tools toddlers use to build boundaries in this stage.

Anger. Anger is a friend. It was created by God for a purpose: to tell us that there’s a problem that needs to be confronted. Anger is a way for children to know that their experience is different from someone else’s. The ability to use anger to distinguish between self and others is a boundary. Children who can appropriately express anger are children who will understand, later in life, when someone is trying to control or hurt them.

Ownership. Sometimes misunderstood as simply a “selfish” stage, rapprochement introduces words to the youngster’s vocabulary such as, mine, my, and me. Suzy doesn’t want anyone else to hold her doll. Billy doesn’t want to share his trucks with a visiting toddler. This important part of becoming a self is often quite difficult for Christian parents to understand. “Well, that old sinful nature is rearing its ugly head in my little girl.” the parents will remark while their friends nod sagely. “We’re’ trying to help her share and love others, but she’s caught up in that selfishness we all have.”

This is neither accurate nor biblical. The child’s newfound fondness for “mine” does have roots in our innate self-centeredness—part of the sinful depravity in all of us that wants to, as did Satan, “make myself like the Most High” (Isa. 14:14). However, this simplistic understanding of our character doesn’t take into consideration the full picture of what being in the image of God truly is.

Being created in God’s image also means having ownership, or steward ship. As Adam and Eve were given dominion over the earth to subdue and rule it, we are also given stewardship over our time, energy, talents, values, feelings, behavior, money, and all the other things mentioned in chapter 2. Without a “mine,” we have no sense of responsibility to develop, nurture, and protect these resources. Without a “mine,” we have no self to give to God and his kingdom.

Children desperately need to know that mine, my, and me aren’t swear words. With correct biblical parenting, they’ll learn sacrifice and develop a giving, loving heart, but not until they have a personality that has been loved enough to give love away: “We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19).

No: The One-Word Boundary. Toddlers going through rapprochement frequently use one of the most important words in the human language: the word no. While it can emerge during hatching, no is perfected during rapprochement It’s the first verbal boundary children learn.

The word no helps children separate from what they don’t like. It gives them the power to make choices. It protects them. Learning to deal with a child’s no is crucial to that child’s development One couple who didn’t attend to their child’s refusal to eat certain foods found out later that she was allergic to one of them!

Often, children at this age become “no” addicts. They’ll not only refuse vegetables and nap time, but also turn away from Popsicles and favorite toys! It’s worth it for them to have the no. It keeps them from feeling completely helpless and powerless.

Parents have two tasks associated with no. First, they need to help their child feel safe enough to say no, thereby encouraging his or her own boundaries. Though they certainly can’t make all the choices they’d like, young children should be able to have a no that is listened to. Informed parents won’t be insulted or enraged by their child’s resistance. They will help the child feel that his no is just as loveable as his yes. They won’t withdraw emotionally from the child who says no, but will stay connected. One parent must often support another who is being worn down by their baby’s no. This process takes work!

One couple was faced with an aunt whose feelings were hurt by their daughter’s refusal to kiss and hug her upon every visit. Sometimes the child wanted to be close; sometimes she wanted to stand back and watch. The couple responded to the aunt’s complaint by saying, “We don’t want Casey to Feel that her affection is something she owes people. We’d like her to be in charge of her life.” These parents wanted their daughter’s yes to be yes, and her no to be no (Matt. 5:37). They wanted her to be able to say no, so that in the Future she would have the ability to say no to evil.

The second task facing parents of children in rapprochement is that of helping the child respect others’ boundaries. Children need to be able to not only give a no, but also take a no.

Parents need to be able to set and keep age-appropriate boundaries with children. It means not giving in to temper tantrums at the toy shop, though it would be less humiliating to quiet the child by purchasing half of the store. It means time-outs, appropriate confrontations, and spanking, when necessary. “Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death” (Prov. 19:18). In other words, help the child learn to take limits before it’s too late.

Boundary construction is most evident in three-year-olds. By this time, they should have mastered the following tasks:

1. The ability to be emotionally attached to others, yet without giving up a sense of self and one’s freedom to be apart.

2 The ability to say appropriate no’s to others without tear of loss of love

3 The ability to take appropriate no’s from others without withdrawing emotionally.

Noting these tasks, a friend said half-joking, “They need to learn this by age three? How about by forty-three? Yes, these are tall orders. But boundary development is essential in the early years of life.

Two additional periods of life focus on boundaries. The first is adolescence. The adolescent years are a reenactment of the first years of life. They involve more mature issues, such as sexuality, gender identity, competition, and adult identity. But the same issues of knowing when to say yes and no and to whom are central during this confusing time.

The second period is young adulthood, the time when children leave home or college and start a career or get married. Young adults suffer a loss of structure during this period. There are no class bells, no schedules imposed by others, and a great deal of very scary freedom and responsibility, as well as the demands of intimacy and commitment. This can often become an intense time of learning more about setting good boundaries.

The earlier the child learns good boundaries, the less turmoil he or she experiences later in life. A successful first three years of life will mean a smoother (but not smooth!) adolescence and a better transition into adulthood. A problematic childhood can be helped greatly by lots of hard work in the family during adolescence. But serious boundary problems during both these periods can be devastating during the adult years.

“It helps to know the way it should have been for me,” said one woman who attended a talk on child development. “But what would really help is to know what went wrong for me. Let’s look next at where our boundary development goes wrong.

Boundaries Injuries: What Goes Wrong?

Boundary problem are rooted in thousands of encounters with others, as well in our own nature and personality. The most important boundary conflicts, however, occur in the crucial first few years of life. They may happen in any or all of the three phases of separation—individuation: hatching, practicing, or rapprochement. Generally, the earlier and more severe the injury the deeper the boundary problem.

Withdrawal from Boundaries

“I don’t know why it happens, but it happens,” mused Ingrid over coffee with her friend Alice. “Every time I disagree with my mother, even on little things, I feel this terrible sense that she’s not there anymore. It’s like she’s hurt and withdrawn, and I can’t get her back. It’s really a horrible feeling to think you’ve lost someone you love.’’

Let’s be honest. None of us enjoys being told no. It’s difficult to accept another persons refusal to give support, to be intimate, or to forgive. Yet good relationships are built on the freedom to refuse and confront: “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another” (Prov. 27:17).

Not only good relationships but also mature characters are built on appropriate nos. Developing children need to know their boundaries will be honored. It is crucial that their disagreements, their practicing, their experimentation not result in a withdrawal of love.

Please don’t misunderstand this. Parental limits are crucial. Children need to know behavioral lines that should at be crossed. They’ need to suffer biblical, age-appropriate consequences for acting out. (In fact, when parents do not set and maintain good boundaries with their children, the children suffer another type of boundary injury, which we will discuss shortly.) What we’re talking about here isn’t allowing the child free rein. Parents need to stay attached and connected to their children even when they disagree with them. That doesn’t mean they shouldn’t get angry. It means they shouldn’t withdraw.

How often do we hear the statement that “God loves the sinner, but hates the sin”? It’s true. His love is constant and ‘never fails” (1 Cor. 13:8). When parents detach from a dealing with the problem, God’s constant love is misrepresented. When parents pull away in hurt, disappointment, or passive rage, they are sending this message to their youngster: You’re loveable when you behave. You aren’t loveable when you don’t behave.

The child translates that message something like this: When I’m good, I am loved. When I’m bad, I am cut off.

Put yourself in the child’s place. What would you do? It’s not a difficult decision. God created people with a need for attachment and relationship. Parents who pull away from their child are, in essence, practicing spiritual and emotional blackmail. The child can either pretend to not disagree and keep the relationship, or he can continue to separate and lose his most important relationship in the world. He will most likely keep quiet.

Children whose parents withdraw when they start setting limits learn to accentuate and develop their compliant, loving, sensitive parts. At the same time, they learn to fear, distrust, and hate their aggressive, truth-telling, and separate parts. If someone they love pulls away when they become angry, cantankerous, or experimental, children learn to hide these parts of themselves.

Parents who tell their children, “It hurts us when you’re angry” make the child responsible for the emotional health of the parent. In effect, the child has just been made the parent of the parent—sometimes at two or three years old. It’s far, far better to say, “I know you’re angry, but you still can’t have that toy.” And then to take your hurt feelings to a spouse, friend, or the Lord.

By nature, children are omnipotent. They live in a world where the sun shines because they were good, and it rains because they were naughty. Children will give up this omnipotence gradually over time, as they learn that needs and events besides theirs are important. But during the early years, this omnipotence plays right into boundary injury. When children feel parents withdrawing, they readily believe that they are responsible for Mom and Dad’s feelings. That’s what omnipotent means: “I am powerful enough to make Mom and Dad pull away. I’d better watch it.’’

A parent’s emotional withdrawal can be subtle: A hurt tone of voice. Long silences for no reason. Or it can be overt: Crying spells. Illness. Yelling. Children of parents like these grow up to be adults who are terrified that setting boundaries will cause severe isolation and abandonment.

Hostility Against Boundaries

“Do I understand why I can’t say no? Larry chuckled. “Why don’t you ask me a hard one? I grew up in the military. Dad’s word was law. And disagreeing was always rebellion. I contradicted him once when I was nine. All I remember is waking up on the other side of the room with a whopping headache. And lots of hurt feelings.’’

The second boundary injury, easier to spot than the first, is a parents hostility against boundaries. The parent becomes angry at the child’s attempts at separating from him or her. Hostility can emerge in the form of angry words, physical punishment, or inappropriate consequences.

Some parents will say to the child, “You’ll do what I say. This is fair enough. God meant for parents to be in charge of children. But then they’ll say, “And you’ll hike doing it.” This makes a child crazy, because it’s a denial of the separate soul of the child. To “make the child like it” is to pressure the child into becoming a “people pleaser, not a “God pleaser” (Gal. 1:10).

Some parents criticize the boundaries of their children:

“If you disagree with me, I’ll…”

“You’ll do it my way or else.”

“Don’t question your mother.”

“You need an attitude adjustment.”

“You’ve got no reason to feel bad.”

Children need to be under the authority and control of their parents, but when parents punish their child for his growing independence, he will usually retreat into hurt and resentment.

This hostility is a poor counterfeit of God’s program of learning discipline. Discipline is the art of teaching children self-control by using consequences. Irresponsible actions should cause discomfort that motivates us to become more responsible.

The “my-way-or-else” approach teaches children to pretend to be obedient, at least when the parent is in earshot. The “you-have-a-choice” approach teaches children to be responsible for their own actions. Instead of saying, “You’ll make your bed or you’ll be grounded for a month,” the parent says, “You have a choice: Make your bed, and I’ll let you play Nintendo; don’t make your bed and you lose your Nintendo privileges for the rest of the day.” The child decides how much pain he is willing to endure to be disobedient.

God’s discipline teaches, not punishes:

God disciplines us for our good that we may share in his holiness. No discipline Seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. (Heb. 12:10-11)

When parents greet their children’s disagreement, disobedience, or practicing with simple hostility, the children are denied the benefit of being trained. They don’t learn that delaying gratification allot being responsible have benefits. They only learn how to avoid someone’s wrath. Ever wonder some Christians fear an angry God, no matter how much they read about his love?

The results of this hostility are difficult to see because these children quickly learn how to hide under a compliant smile. When these children grow up they suffer depression, anxiety, relationship conflicts, and substance-abuse problems. For the first time in their lives, many boundary-injured individuals realize they have a problem.

Hostility can create problems in both saying and hearing no. Some children become pliably enmeshed with others. But some react outwardly and become controlling people— just like the hostile parent.

The Bible addresses two distinct reactions to hostility in parents: Fathers are told not to embitter [their] children, or they will become discouraged” (Col: 3:21). Some children respond to harshness with compliance and depression. At the same time, fathers are told not to “exasperate [their] children” (Eph. 6:4). Other children react to hostility with rage. Many grow up to be just like the hostile parent who hurt them.

Over control

Over control occurs when otherwise loving parents try to protect their children from making mistakes by having too strict rules and limits. For example, they may keep their children from playing with other kids to protect them from being hurt or learning bad habits. They may be so concerned about their children catching a cold that they make them wear galoshes on cloudy days.

The problem with over control is this: while a major responsibility of good parents is certainly to control and protect, they must make room for their children to make mistakes. Remember that we learn maturity “by constant use (Heb. 5:14). Over controlled children are subject to dependency, enmeshment conflicts, and difficulty setting and keeping firm boundaries. They also have problems taking risks and being creative.

Lack of Limits

Eileen sighed. Her husband Bruce was in his twice-a-week mode of throwing fits whenever she “dropped the ball.” This time he was yelling about having to reschedule their night out with the Billingses. Eileen had forgotten to call a baby sitter for the kids until four that afternoon.

She couldn’t understand why Bruce got so wound up about such little things. Maybe he just needed some time off. That was it! Eileen brightened up. We need a vacation! She forgot that they’d had one a month ago.

Eileen had very loving, but very indulgent parents. They couldn’t stand to make her do anything, to discipline her with time-outs, consequences, or spankings. Her folks thought that lots of forgiveness would help her be the adult she needed to be.

So whenever Eileen didn’t pick up after herself, her mother would cover for her. When she wrecked the family car three times, her dad got her her own car. And when she overthrew her checking account, her parents quietly put more money in it. After all, isn’t love patient? they’d say.

Eileen’s parents’ lack of limits on her hurt her character development. Though she was a loving wife, mother, and worker, others were constantly frustrated at her undisciplined, careless way of living, it cost others a lot to be in relationship with her. Yet she was so loveable that most of her friends didn’t want to hurt her feelings by confronting her. So the problem remained unsolved.

Lack of parental boundaries is the opposite of hostility. Again, biblical discipline would have provided the necessary structure to help Eileen develop her character.

Sometimes a lack of parental limits, coupled with a lack of connection, can produce an aggressively controlling person. We all know the experience of going into a supermarket and observing a tour—year—old in total control of a mother. The mother begs, pleads, and threatens her son to stop having his tantrum. Then, at her wits’ end, she gives him the candy bar he’s been screaming for. “But that’s the last one, she says, struggling for some control. But by then control is an illusion.

Now imagine that four-year-old as a forty-year-old man. The scenario has changed, but the script is the same. When he is crossed, or when someone sets a limit with him, the same tantrum erupts. And by then, he’s had thirty-six more years of having the world cater to him. His recovery program will need to be very strong and consistent to help him. Sometimes recovery comes in the form of hospitalization, sometimes in divorce, sometimes in jail, and Sometimes in disease. But no one can really escape the disciplines of life. They will always win out. We always reap what we sow. And the later in life it is, the sadder a picture it is, for the stakes are higher.

Obviously, were describing the person who has a difficult time hearing others boundaries and/or needs. These people have been as injured by a lack of boundaries as others are by too-rigid boundaries.

Inconsistent Limits

Sometimes, due to their confusion about rearing children or their own injuries, sonic parents combine strict and lax limits, sending conflicting messages to children. The children don’t know what the rules of family and life are.

Alcoholic families often exhibit inconsistent limits. A parent may be loving and kind one day, unreasonably harsh the next. This is particularly true because of the behavior changes brought on by drinking.

Alcoholism causes massive boundary confusion in the child. Adult children of alcoholics never feel safe in relationships. They’re always waiting for the other person to let them down or attack them unexpectedly. They keep their guard up constantly.

Setting limits is traumatic for admit children of alcoholics. Saving no might bring respect, or it might bring rage. They feel like the double-minded person described in James 1:6: “like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.” They are uncertain about what they are and aren’t responsible for.

Trauma

Up until now, we’ve dealt with characteristics of family relating. Withdrawal hostility, and setting inappropriate limits are ways parents act toward their children. Over time, these become ingrained in the soul of the child.

In addition, specific traumas can injure boundary development. A trauma is an intensely painful emotional experience, rather than a character pattern. Emotional, physical, and sexual abuse are traumatic. Accidents and debilitating illnesses are traumatic. Severe losses such as the death of a parent, divorce, or extreme financial hardship are also traumatic.

A good way to look at the difference between character— relating patterns, such as withdrawal and hostility, and trauma, is to look at how a tree in a forest can be hurt. It can be fed inappropriately, through bad ingredients in the soil, or it can be given too much or too little sun or water. That’s an illustration of character-pattern problems. Trauma is like lightning hitting the tree.

A trauma can affect boundary development because it shakes up two necessary foundations to children’s growth:

1. The world is reasonably safe.

2. They have control over their lives.

Children who undergo trauma feel these foundations shaken up. They become unsure that they are safe and protected in the world, and they become frightened that they have no say-so in any danger that approaches them.

Jerry had been physically abused by both of his parents for years. He had left home early, joined the Marines, and had several bad marriages. In therapy as an adult in his thirties, he began realizing why, under his tough exterior, he always longed for controlling women. He’d fall madly in love with the fact that they could “handle” him. Then a pattern (If compliance to) the woman would emerge, with Jerry always on the losing end.

One day in session, Jerry remembered his mother striking him across the face for some small infraction. He vividly remembered his vain attempts to protect himself pleading, “Please, Mom—I’m sorry. I’ll do anything you say. Please, Mom.” When he promised unquestioning obedience, the hitting would stop. That memory tied in with his lack of power and self-control with his wives and girlfriends. Their anger always terrified him, and he would instantly comply. Jerry’s boundary development was seriously injured by his mother abuse.

The heart of God seems to beat especially close to the victim of trauma: “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted” (Isa. 61:1). Gold desires the wounds of the traumatized to be bound up by loving people.

Victims of trauma in the family are almost always recipients of poor or sinful character-relating patterns. Withdrawal from our boundaries and hostility toward our boundaries are the ground from which trauma springs.

Our Own Character Traits

Have you ever heard someone described as being that way “from the womb”? Perhaps you were always active and confrontative, always exploring new horizons. Or maybe you liked to be quiet and reflective “since forever.”

We contribute to our boundary issues by our own individual character styles. For example, some people with a constitutionally greater amount of aggression deal with boundary problems more confrontationally. And some with less aggression shy more from boundaries.

Our Own Sinfulness

We also contribute to our own boundary development problems by our own depravity. Depravity is what we inherited from Adam and Eve. It is our resistance to being creatures under God, our resistance to humility. It’s a refusal to accept our position, and a lust for being omnipotent and “in charge,” not needling anyone and not accountable to anyone. Our depravity enslaves us to the law of sin and death, from which only Christ can save us (Rom. 8:2).

By now you should be gaining a clearer picture of what goes into boundary problems and boundary development. It’s time now to look at what the Bible says about how boundaries should operate in our lives, and how they can be developed—all through our lives.

Boundary Problems

2008-02-26T18:40:00.001+08:00

Following a day-long seminar that we were leading on biblical boundaries, a woman raised her hand and said, “I understand that I have boundary problems. But my estranged husband’s the one who had an affair and took all our money. Doesn’t he have a problem with boundaries?

It’s easy to misunderstand boundaries. At first glance, it seems as if the individual who has difficulty setting limits is the one who has the boundary problem; however, people who don’t respect others’ limits also have boundary problems. The woman above may have difficulty setting limits, but, in addition, her husband hasn’t respected her limits.

In this chapter, we’ll categorize the main types of boundary problems, providing you some pegs on which to hang your thoughts. You’ll see that boundary conflicts are by no means limited to those who “can’t say no.

Compliants: Saying “Yes” to the Bad

“May I tell you something embarrassing?” Robert asked me. A new client, Robert was trying to understand why he had so much difficulty refusing his wife’s constant demands. He was going broke trying to keep up with the Joneses.

“I was the only boy in my family, the youngest of four children. There was a strange double standard in my house involving physical fighting.” Robert cleared his throat, struggling to continue. “My sisters were three to seven years older than me. Until I was in sixth grade, they were a lot bigger and stronger. They’d take advantage of their size and strength and wale on me until I was bruised. I mean, they really hurt me.

“The strangest part of it all was my parents’ attitude. They’d tell us, ‘Robert is the boy. Boys don’t hit girls. It’s bad manners! I was getting triple-teamed, and fighting back was bad manners? Robert stopped. His shame kept him from continuing, but he’d said enough. He had unearthed part of the reason for his conflicts with his wife.

When parents teach children that setting boundaries or saving no is bad, they are teaching them that others can do with them as they wish. They are sending their children defenseless into a world that contains much evil. Evil in the form of controlling, manipulative, and exploitative people. Evil in the form of temptations.

To feel safe in such an evil world, children need to have the power to say things like:

• “No.”
• “I disagree.”
• “I will not.”
• “I choose not to.”
• “Stop that.”
• “It hurts.”
• “It’s wrong.”
• “That’s bad.”
• “I don’t like it when you touch me there.”

Blocking a child’s ability to say no handicaps that child for life. Adults with handicaps like Robert’s have this first boundary injury: they say yes to bad things.

This type of boundary conflict is called compliance. Compliant people have fuzzy and indistinct boundaries; they “melt” into the demands and needs of other people. They can’t stand alone, distinct from people who want something from them. Compliants, for example, pretend to like the same restaurants and movies their friends do “just to get along.” They minimize their differences with others so as not to rock the boat. Compliants are chameleons. After a while it’s hard to distinguish them from their environment.

The inability to say no to the bad is pervasive. Not only does it keep its from refusing evil in our lives, it often keeps us from recognizing evil. Many compliant people realize too late that they’re in a dangerous or abusive relationship. Their spiritual and emotional “radar” is broken; they have no ability to guard their hearts ( Prov. 4:23).

This type of boundary problem paralyzes people’s no muscles. Whenever they need to protect themselves by saying no, the word catches in their throats. This happens for a number of different reasons:

• Fear of hurting the other person’s feelings
• Fear of abandonment and separateness
• A wish to be totally dependent on another
• Fear of someone else’s anger
• Fear of punishment
• Fear of being shamed
• Fear of being seen as bad or selfish
• Fear of being unspiritual
• Fear of one’s over-strict, critical conscience

This last fear is actually experienced as guilt. People who have an over-strict, critical conscience will condemn themselves for things God himself doesn’t condemn them for. As Paul says, “Since their conscience is weak, it is defiled” (1 Cor. 8:7). Afraid to confront their unbiblical and critical internal parent, they tighten appropriate boundaries.

When we give in to guilty feelings, we are complying with a harsh conscience. This fear of disobeying the harsh conscience translates into an inability to confront others—a saying yes to the bad—because it would cause more guilt.

Biblical compliance needs to be distinguished from this kind of compliance. Matthew 9:13 says that God desires compassion, and not sacrifice” (NASB). In other words, God wants us to be compliant from the inside out (compassionate), not compliant on the outside and resentful on the inside (sacrificial). Compliants take on too many responsibilities and set too few boundaries, not by choice, but because they are afraid.
Avoidants: Saving “No” to the Good

The living room suddenly became quiet. The Bible study group that had been meeting at the Craigs’ house for six months had suddenly become more intimate. Tonight the five couples began to share real struggles in their lives, not just the usual “please pray for Aunt Sarah” requests. Tears were shed, and genuine support, not just well-meaning? Henderson, had advice, was offered. Everyone, except the hostess, Rachel Henderson, had taken a turn talking.

Rachel had been the driving force behind the formation of the Bible study. She and her husband, Joe, had developed the format, invited the other couples, and opened up their home to the Study. Caught up in her leadership role, however, Rachel never opened up about her struggles. She shied away from such opportunities, preferring instead to help draw out others. Tonight the others waited.

Rachel cleared her throat. Looking around the room, she finally spoke, “After hearing all the other problems in the room, I think the Lord’s speaking to me. He seems to be saying that my issues are nothing compared to what you all deal with. It would be selfish to take up time with the little struggles I face. So ... who’d like dessert?

No one spoke. But disappointment was evident on each face. Rachel had again avoided an opportunity for others to love her as they’d been loved by her.

This boundary problem is called avoidance: saying no to the good. It’s the inability to ask for help, to recognize one’s own needs, to let others in. Avoidants withdraw when they are in need: they do not ask for the support of others.

Why is avoidance a boundary problem? At the heart of the struggle is a confusion of boundaries as walls. Boundaries are supposed to be able to “breathe,” to be like fences with a gate that can let the good in and the bad out. Individuals with walls for boundaries can let in neither bad nor good. No one touches them.

God designed our personal boundaries to have gates. We should have the freedom to enjoy safe relationships and to avoid destructive ones. God even allows us the freedom to let him in or to close him off:

“Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me.” (Rev 3:20)

God has no interest in violating our boundaries so that he can relate to us. He understands that this would cause injuries of trust. It is our responsibility to open up to him in need and repentance. Yet, for avoidants, opening up to both God and people is almost impossible.

The impermeable boundaries of avoidants cause a rigidity toward their God-given needs. They experience their problems and legitimate wants as something bad, destructive, or shameful.

Some people, like Marti, are both compliants and avoidants. In a recent session, Marti laughed ruefully at herself. “I’m beginning to see a pattern here. When Someone needs four hours with me, I can’t say no. When I need someone for ten minutes, I can’t ask for it. Isn’t there a transistor in my head that I can replace?”

Marti’s dilemma is shared by many adults. She says “yes” to the bad (compliant) and says ‘‘no’’ to the good (avoidant). Individuals who have both boundary conflicts not only cannot refuse evil, they are unable to receive the support they so readily offer to others. They are stuck in a cycle of feeling drained, but with nothing to replace the lost energy.

Compliant avoidants suffer from what is called “reversed boundaries. They have no boundaries where they need them, and they have boundaries where they shouldn’t have them.

Controllers: Not Respecting Others’ Boundaries

“What do you mean, you’re quitting? You can’t leave now! Steve looked across his desk at his administrative assistant. Frank had been working for Steve for several years and was finally fed up. He had given his all to the position, but Steve didn’t know when to back off.

Time after time, Steve would insist on Frank’s spending unpaid time at the office on important projects. Frank had even switched his vacation schedule twice at Steve’s insistence. But the final straw was when Steve began calling Frank at home. An occasional call at home Frank could understand. But almost every day, during dinnertime, the family would wait while Frank had a telephone conference with his boss.

Several times Frank had tried to talk with Steve about the time violations. But Steve never really understood how burned out Frank was. After all, he needed Frank. Frank made him look successful. And it was so easy to get him to work harder.

Steve has a problem hearing and accepting others boundaries. To Steve, no is simply a challenge to change the other persons mind. This boundary problem is called control. Controllers can’t respect others’ limits. They’ resist taking responsibility for their own lives, so they need to control others.

Controllers believe the old jokes about training top sales people: no means maybe, and maybe means yes. While this may be productive in learning to sell a product, it can wreak havoc in a relationship. Controllers are perceived as bullies, manipulative and aggressive.

The primary problem of individuals who can’t hear no—which is different from not being able to say no—is that they tend to project responsibility for their lives onto others. They use various means of control to motivate others to carry the load intended by God to be theirs alone.

Remember the “boulder and knapsack” illustration in chapter 2? Controllers look for someone to carry their knapsacks (individual responsibilities) in addition to their bouldlers (crises and crushing burdens). Had Steve shouldered the weight of his own job, Frank would have been happy to pitch in extra hours from time to time. But the pressure of covering for Steve’s irresponsibility made a talented professional look elsewhere for work.

Controllers come in two types:

1. Aggressive controllers. These people clearly don’t listen to others’ boundaries. They run over other people’s fences like a tank. They are sometimes verbally abusive, sometimes physically abusive. But most of the time they simply aren’t aware that others even have boundaries. It’s as if they live in a world of yes. There’s no place for someone else’s no. They attempt to get others to change, to make the world fit their idea of the way life should be. They neglect their own responsibility to accept others as they are.

Peter is an example of an aggressive controller. Jesus was telling the disciples about his upcoming suffering, death, and resurrection. Peter took Jesus aside and began to rebuke him. But Jesus rebuked Peter, saying, “Get behind me, Satan! You do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men” (Mark 8:33).

Peter didn’t want to accept the Lord’s boundaries. Jesus immediately confronted Peter’s violation of his boundaries.
2. Manipulative controllers. Less honest than the aggressive controllers, manipulators try to persuade people out of their boundaries. They talk others into yes. They indirectly manipulate circumstances to get their way. They seduce others into carrying their burdens. They use guilt messages.

Remember how Tom Sawyer tricked his playmates into whitewashing the fence for him? He made it seem like such a privilege that kids were lined up to paint!

Isaac’s son Jacob finagled his twin brother Esau into giving up his birthright (Gen. 25:29-34) and, with his mother’s help, deceived his father into bestowing Esau’s blessing on him (Gen. 27:1-29). In fact, Jacob’s name means “deceiver. Numerous times he used his cleverness to avoid others’ boundaries.

The event that helped Jacob work out of his manipulative boundarylessness was his confrontation with God in human form (Gen. 32:24-32). God “wrestled” with him all night long and then changed his name to Israel. The word Israel means “he who fights with God.” God left Jacob with a dislocated thigh.

And Jacob changed. He became less deceitful and more honest. His aggressiveness was clearer, as evidenced by his new name. He was owning his feistiness. Only when the manipulative controller is confronted with his dishonesty can he take responsibility for it, repent of it, and accept his and others’ limits.

Manipulators deny their desires to control others; they brush aside their own self-centeredness. They are like the adulterous woman in Proverbs: “She eats and wipes her mouth and says. ‘I’ve done nothing wrong (30:20).

Believe it or not, complaints and avoidants can also be controllers. They tend, however, to be more manipulative than aggressive. When compliant avoidants need emotional support, for example, they may do a favor for a friend. They hope that by being loving, they’ll receive love. So then they wait, anticipating the return of the favor. And sometimes they wait for years. Especially if they performed the favor for someone who can’t read minds.

What’s wrong with this picture? It’s not a picture of love. The love that God talks about doesn’t seek a return on its investment: “It is not self-seeking” (1 Cor. 13:5). Caring for someone so that they’ll care back for us is simply an indirect means of controlling someone else. If you’ve ever been on the “receiving” end of that kind of maneuver, you’ll understand. One minute you’ve taken the compliment, or favor— the next minute you’ve hurt someone’s feelings by not figuring out the price tag attached.

Boundary Injuries

At this point, you might be saying to yourself, “Wait a minute. How can controllers be called ‘injured’? They are the injurers, not the injured!” Indeed, controllers do lots of damage to others, but they also have boundary problems. Let’s see what goes on underneath.

Controllers are undisciplined people. They have little ability to curb their impulses or desires. While it appears that they “get what they want in life,” they are still slaves to their appetites. Delaying gratification is difficult for them. That’s why they hate the word no from others. They desperately need to learn to listen to the boundaries of others to help them observe their own.

Controllers also are limited in their ability to take responsibility for owning their lives. Having relied on bullying or indirectness, they can’t function on their own in the world. The only remedy is to let controllers experience the consequences of their irresponsibility.

Finally, controllers are isolated. People stay with them out of fear, quilt, or dependency. If they’re honest controllers rarely feel loved. Why? Because in their heart of hearts, they know that the only reason people spend time with them is because they are pulling the stings. If they stopped threatening or manipulating, they would be abandoned. And, at some deep level, they are aware of their isolation. “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear” (1 John 4:18). We can’t terrorize or make others feel guilty and be loved by them at the same time.

Non-responsive: Not Hearing the Needs of Others

Brenda’s hand trembled as she talked. “Usually I’ve got pretty thick skin with Mike. But I guess the past couple of weeks of kid problems and work stresses had me feeling very vulnerable. This time his response didn’t make me angry. It just hurt. And it hurt bad.”

Brenda was recounting a recent marital struggle. Overall, she thought her marriage to Mike was a good one. He was a good provider, an active Christian, and a competent father. Yet the relationship allowed no room for her hurts or needs.

The incident Brenda was discussing began in a fairly benign manner. She and Mike were talking in the bedroom after putting the kids to bed. Brenda began to unburden her fears about child rearing and her feelings of inadequacy at work.

Without warning, Mike turned to her and said, “If you don’t like the way you feel, change your feelings. Life’s tough. So just ... just handle it, Brenda.”

Brenda was devastated. She felt she should have expected the rebuff. It wasn’t that easy to express her neediness in the first place’ especially with Mike’s coldness. Now she felt as if he had chopped her feelings to bits. He seemed to have no understanding whatsoever of her struggles—and didn’t want to.

How could this be a boundary problem? Isn’t it just basic insensitivity? Partially. But it’s not quite that simple. Remember that boundaries are a way to describe our spheres of responsibility: what we are and are not responsible for. While we shouldn’t take on the responsibility of others’ feelings, attitudes, and behaviors, we do have certain responsibilities to each other.

Mike does have a responsibility to connect with Brenda, not only as a parenting partner, but also as a loving husband. Connecting emotionally with Brenda is part of loving her as himself (Eph. 5:28, 33). He isn’t responsible for her emotional well-being. But he is responsible to her. His inability to respond to her needs is a neglect of his responsibility.

Termed “non-responsive” because of their lack of attention to the responsibilities of love, these individuals exhibit the opposite of the pattern exhorted in Proverbs 3:27 (NRSV): “Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it” (that last phrase, “in your power, has to do with our resources and availability). Another key Scripture here is “If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (Rom. 12:18 NRSV). Again, note the condition: “so far as it depends on you: we can’t bring peace to someone who doesn’t accept it!

Both of the above verses indicate the same idea: we are responsible to care about and help, within certain limits, others whom God places in our lives. To refuse to do so when we have the appropriate resources can be a boundary conflict.

Non-responsive falls into one of two groups:

1. Those with a critical spirit toward others needs (a projection of our own hatred of our needs onto others a problem Jesus addressed in Matthew 7:1-5). They hate being incomplete in themselves. As a result, they ignore the needs of others.

2. Those who are so absorbed in their own desires and needs they exclude others (a form of narcissism).

Don’t confuse this self-absorption with a God-given sense of taking responsibility for one’s own needs first so that one is able to love others: “Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others” (Phil. 2:4). God wants us to take care of ourselves so that we can help others without moving into a crisis ourselves.

Controllers and Nonresponsives

Controlling nonresponsives have a hard time looking past themselves. They see others as responsible for their struggles and are on the lookout for someone to take care of them. They gravitate toward someone with blurry boundaries, who will naturally take on too many responsibilities in the relationship and who won’t complain about it. It’s like the old joke about relationships: What happens when a rescuing, enabling person meets a controlling, insensitive person. Answer: they get married!

Actually, this makes sense. Compliant avoidants search for someone to repair. This keeps them saying yes and keeps them out of touch with their own needs. Who fits the bill better than a controlling nonresponsives. And controlling nonresponsives search for someone to keep them away from responsibility. Who better than a compliant avoidant?

Below is a chart of the four types of boundary problems. It will help you see at a glance the kinds of problems with which you may struggle.

Summary of Boundary Problems

CAN’T SAY CAN’T HEAR

NO The Compliant The Controller
Feels guilty and/or Aggressively or
controlled by others; can’t rnanipulatively violates
set boundaries boundaries of others
YES The Nonresponsive The Avoidant
Sets boundaries against Sets boundaries against
responsibility to love receiving care of others

Functional and Relational Boundary Issues

A final boundary problem involves the distinction between functional and relational boundaries. Functional boundaries refers to a person’s ability to complete a task, project, or job. It has to do with performance, discipline, initiative, and planning. Relational boundaries refers to the ability to speak truth to others with whom we are in relationship.

Another way of looking at it is that functional boundaries refer to our ‘‘Martha parts, and relational, our ‘‘Mary’’ parts (Luke 10:38-42). Mary and Martha were friends of Jesus. Martha prepared dinner, while Mary sat at Jesus’ feet. When Martha complained! about Mary’s not helping her, Jesus said: Mary has chosen what is better” (v. 42). He didn’t mean that Martha’s busyness was bad; it was just the wrong thing at the wrong time.

Many people have good functional boundaries, but poor relational ones; that is, they can perform tasks at quite high levels of competence, but they may not be able to tell a friend that they don’t like their chronic lateness. The reverse can also be true. Some people can be absolutely honest with others about their complaints and dislikes but he unable to get up for work in the morning!

We’ve taken a look at the different categories of boundaries. But how do you develop boundaries? Why do sonic people seem to have natural boundaries and others have no boundaries at all? As with many things, it has a lot to do with the family in which you grew up.