You Can Own Your Own Life

Excuses change nothing, but make everyone feel better

--Mason Cooley


Where should the line be drawn between an individual's own responsibility to take care of herself and society's responsibility to ensure that others shield her?”

What do you think these words could be referring to? What evil does the questioner suggest is lurking out there that society needs to come to grips with so you and I will be safe?

Nuclear war? I agree. A society should place the responsibility on its own shoulders to protect us all from nuclear holocaust. How about serial killers? Another good guess. The FBI spends a lot of time and resources taking responsibility for making sure that you are safe from the Hannibal Lecters of the world. What about an outbreak of bird flu. E. coli, or some other deadly disease? Right again. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control has your back covered.

So which of these mortal dangers was the opening quote referring to when it asked where society should step in and make sure that you are okay?

The answer; none. Guess what the culprit was that spawned this quote. I will give you a hint. The quote comes from a ruling by a United States Federal judge. Still wondering?

The perpetrator so dangerous that protection from it may require the collective power of our entire society is--

a McDonald hamburger.

Just think. It took a judge in United States Federal Court to figure out the answer to that question. Why? Because two girls were overweight and claimed that McDonald's was responsible for their eating habits. The attorney for the plaintiffs argued that McDonald's food was “physically or psychologically addictive.” From that perspective, the poor girls just did not have a chance. The Golden Arches reached out and grabbed them, pulled them in. and force-fed them.

But, common sense--and as we shall argue.--the created order, prevailed. Part of the judge's opinion held that “if consumers know (or reasonably should know) the potential ill health effects of eating at McDonald's, they cannot blame McDonald's if they, nonetheless, choose to satiate their appetite with a surfeit of supersized McDonald's products.”

Thank you. Judge, for bringing some sanity to this picture. But it begs a bigger question. How did we get to the place where someone would even think that they could sue a hamburger chain for their weight problem? Was it the permissive sixties that did away with personal responsibility in our culture? Was it humanism that said humanity is basically good and it is our poor environment that causes us to make mistakes? Was it permissive parenting that taught an entire generation to think that nothing is its responsibility -- nothing had that happens is ever my fault? Was it the psychologists who said that to discipline a child might hurt his self-esteem? Or was it all those hamburgers we ate that made us think this way?

Actually, as much as we like to talk about how far society has gone astray (and there is truth to that), blaming others is not a new problem created by twenty--first century America. Though we do seem to have perfected blame as a cultural and legal art form, it is not a modern phenomenon. In fact, it has been part of human nature from the beginning of time.

When God asked Adam the equivalent of “Why did you eat the hamburger?”--in Adam's case the forbidden fruit-- Adam quickly blamed his wife: “The man said, 'The woman you put here with me she give me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it'” (Genesis 3:12 NIV).

When God asked Eve about the issue, she offloaded responsibility in a similar fashion. “Then the Lord God said to the woman, What is this you have done?' The woman said, 'The serpent deceived me, and I ate'” (Genesis 3:13 NIV).

All Adam needed was an attorney and he could have sued God. Eve, and the serpent. Or maybe they could have bonded together and filed the first class-action suit. But the truth is that there is a fundamental problem with human nature, as philosophers, psychologists, and theologians have noted for centuries. The problem is simply this: we fail to take responsibility for our own lives.

We shift the blame, and the responsibility, to others. It is just a part of who we are, and it has been that way from day one. We did not learn it from our environment, although our environment can augment it. Instead, we bring it into the world as a tendency that comes with being human.

Now, certainly we have reasons why we do not take ownership for our own behavior and lives. Adam and Eve did it, in part, because they were ashamed and afraid. Those are big reasons for us as well. No one ever said that we blame for no good reason. Even the girls in the McDonald's lawsuit had struggles and determinants that were making self-control difficult for them. There is no doubt about that. Perhaps they felt ashamed, powerless, or afraid. Anyone who thinks they are going to help an overweight person by just saving, “It is your choice. Stop eating,” has either never been overweight or has never worked with many overweight people or addicts. External factors do influence our behavior. Even the Bible affirms that.

But, the fact that there are reasons that drive us to do things, and the question of whether we are responsible for what we do with that are two very different matters. The bottom line is this: No matter what reason drives someone to overeat, whether it's stress, McDonald's advertising, boredom, lack of education, a bad childhood, or whatever, there is still a reality: if you overeat, you will gain weight. The “why” you did it, no matter how valid, will not solve the problem. The same thing happens in peoples lives every day. When we succeed in blaming someone for our problems, we still are no closer to a solution for them. Still, we do it anyway to make ourselves feel temporarily better. And when we do, we still have the problems.

It these girls had won their lawsuit, it would have been the worst thing that could have happened to them, for it would have reinforced the belief that someone else was in control of their behavior. Thus, it would have gotten them no closer to solving their weight problem.

It may have helped the girls feel better in some way to have been awarded a big settlement for McDonald's having made them fat. They might have temporarily gotten over some bad feelings about being overweight. I don't know them, so I can't say. But, I can say one thing: they would not have been one step closer to being a normal weight. Not one ounce. Not one fraction. Why? Because they are the only ones who can do anything about the real problem. They are the only ones who can refuse to eat the burgers. They ate the only ones in control of that. And in the end, it is all about control. Who ultimately has it? As we shall see, that is ultimately the only thing that matters.

It Is All About Control

I know a man whose childhood was not the greatest. His mother used him for her own needs and his father did not provide the crucial support to give him confidence to accomplish his dreams. In very real ways, he was shortchanged. Now he works at a job that he doesn't like and dates a woman who treats him much like his parents did. She uses him and is not supportive.

Every time he thinks about his hated work or his poor relationship, he reacts in a familiar pattern. He gets bugged and complains. None of his problems are his own fault. He complains about how the company doesn't care about him, and how they use their employees for their own ends. And he complains about how his girlfriend thinks only about herself, and how she always gets her own way. When I asked him about looking for a new job, he said his girlfriend has a lot going on right now, and he spends so much time helping her that there's little left for job hunting. “Plus,” he said, “they really aren't hiring in my field right now.

“What about another field I asked. “What about your interest in computer science that you told me about?”

“Well, I would have to get another degree,” he said.

“Yeah, so why don't you do that?” I asked.

“Well, you know how schools are with mid-career people. They don't like to admit students into those adult programs without experience in the field. The ones with the experience are the ones who get the spots,” he said.

Thus the conversation continues in an endless circle. Finally I give up. Poor guy. I think to myself He's stuck in a prison. But the thing about his prison is that he is the one who holds the key, and yet he doesn't know it. He is the one in control of his life and yet he feels as if everyone else is. He is the only one who can do anything about his problems, and yet he is the one who says he can't do anything. From his perspective, his troubles are not his fault. If only his girlfriend would become less needy and demanding; or if only his company would care and do more for him; or if only colleges would get more understanding--only then would his life ever be different. It is always up to someone else to make it better. And since they don't, it gets no better.

Now, if you were to ask him, he would not say this outright. But that is, in effect, what he is saying and living out each day. For, if his girlfriend, his employer, and the college are the reasons that things are not better for him, then his only hope of anything ever getting any better is that they change for him. In his mind, they have all the power and control over his life.

The overweight girls had the same attitude. “If McDonald's made me this way, then my only hope is for McDonald's to do something to make me different.” Guess what. Neither McDonald's, my friend's girlfriend, his company, or the colleges are holding meetings right now on how they plan to make these people's lives different. The people themselves are the only ones who can do that.

I have another friend from a similar background. Very little support, encouragement, or help from her family. They hurt her in two ways: first, by the various harmful things that they inflicted on her. And second, by depriving her of the good things she needed. But her reaction was quite different from that of the first friend I mentioned.

Somewhere along the line she learned the difference between what happens to us and what we do with it. She learned that it's not the bad things that happen to us that determines our destiny; it's how we respond to them. She learned that no one can have control over your life if you do not let them. In short, she learned that she “owns' her life, not someone else. And it is the owner who has the rights.

She learned that if her family did not provide the support and validation she needed, she was free to find it from other people. And she did. She joined a spiritual community that loved her and supported her. From that base, she grew to be emotionally strong. Although her parents inflicted lots of emotional pain on her, she learned that she was free to find help in dealing with that pain, to learn new patterns of relating, and to get well. So she diligently went to sustained therapy, joined support groups, and overcame the significant pain in her life. Today she is very healthy.

Although this woman's parents did not support her intellectual pursuits in any form, including financially, she learned that she could make her own choices and take responsibility for those interests herself. So she got jobs, paid for school, and eventually achieved a graduate degree and became a professional in a high-paying field.

This woman also learned that no matter how hurtful one's relationships may be early life, in your adult life you can choose relationships with people who will not be hurtful. She chose to marry a good, honest, and responsible man.

Even though God did not instantly deliver this woman from suffering the very moment she prayed, either in childhood or beyond, she learned that she did not have to choose to believe that he is not there or does not care just because healing is not instantaneous. Instead, she chose to believe what he says about our living in a world where people have freedom and choices, and sometimes they use that freedom to hurt us. She understood that he is not to blame for that. As a result, she kept alive a faith that led her to many experiences of his intervention, healing, and deliverance. She did not become bitter toward God or, like the Israelites facing the difficulties of the desert, give up her faith anti abandon God. Instead, she became one of those who followed him through the desert to the Promised Land.

And, in what I think is her greatest achievement, this woman learned that although your own parents might not give you what you need in life, you do not have to continue that pattern and pass it to another generation. Instead, she gave her children great parenting, and they grew up to be healthy, responsible people.

Her life did not belong to her circumstances, her parents, her lack of resources, or her lack of options. Her life belonged to her. It was a gift from God. And she was not going to allow what had happened to her be in charge of the rest of her life. Just because how she was treated was someone else's fault, which it was, she did not wait for someone else to make it better. She owned her life. Even if she didn't cause the problems, she was proactive about solving them. She was in charge of what went on from that point forward. That was the difference between my two friends. One was a perpetual victim, and the other was a victorious person.

What Is A Person?

In the beginning, the Bible tells us, God created people “in his image” (Genesis 1:27). This means a lot of things, but one thing stands out as it relates to our present subject: the ability to choose what one wants to be. This ability to choose is what is referred to as “will.” Literally, the term “will” means “desire.” But for humans created in God's image, it means much more than that. The animals have desire, or appetite. But only humans have the ability not merely to desire things, but also the creative will to take responsibility for that desire and bring about the achievement of it. That creative ability resides in the nature of God, and he has passed it on to us. Your dog is pretty much going to live where you decide he will live. But you, being human rather than canine, have a creative choice. God has delegated two things to you:

The ability to create and respond to life

The reality consequences of those choices

Often you cannot choose what happens to you. You cannot determine which cards you are dealt. But you can always do something:

You can always create, seek, and find a range of options to determine how you will respond to what happens, and how you will play the card in your hand.

Adam did not choose how many trees were given to him in the garden. But, he did choose which to eat from. The girls in the lawsuit did not choose for McDonald's to make and advertise food that could make them gain weight. But, they did choose how they would respond to that advertising. My first friend did not choose parents who taught him what non-supportive relationships were like. But he did choose to find a girlfriend who was like them. Furthermore, he chose to allow her non-support and self-centeredness to control his life. He also chose to stay it: the state that his family left him in rather than make an attempt to grow out of it. It was easier to blame than to change. As a result, he was choosing his life, one sentence of blame at a time.

We do not always like the enormous freedom to choose that we actually possess. It frightens us. It makes us responsible. But it is a reality. That freedom to choose is the element that explains the difference between my two friends. Both were from difficult backgrounds and faced difficult obstacles. But the way each chose to respond to those circumstances was very different. And their different choices created very different outcomes.

Each of us faces difficult circumstances in life. God grants each of its talents, brains and abilities with which to meet them. And then he gives us the choice as to how we will respond. He gives us enormous freedom and responsibility. Listen to how this delegation of responsibility is described from the beginning:

Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the beast of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. (Genesis 2:19 NIV)

God did not name the animals for Adam. What he did do was give Adam the creative ability to come up with options and name them. Had my first friend been the one in the garden, he might have said, “That's just like God. Isn't it? Tells me to name all these creatures but doesn't even provide me with a list of possible names. How am I supposed to do this? He's so non supportive. Maybe I'll sue him for a non-supportive work environment lack of training, and poor employee assistance.”

That is very much like what the later in the responsibility lottery said in the parable at the talents. Remember the story? The master gives three people different amounts of resources to invest. The first two make their investments and get nice returns. The master rewards them with more resources. But the third was like my first friend. He blamed the master for not giving him what he thought he needed to make it work, so he did nothing with what had been entrusted to him. Listen to his words:

Then the man who had received the one talent came. “Master,” he said. 'I knew that you are a hard man, harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed. So I was afraid and went out and hid your talent in. the ground. See, here is what belongs to you.

His master replied. “You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed? Well then, you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest.

Take the talent from him and give it to the one who has the ten talents. For everyone who has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him. And throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.” (Matthew 25:24-30 NIV)

Notice something. God did not say, “What are you talking about? I have not been mean to you! I have given you everything you needed to be successful with your talent!” Nor did he say, “Gosh, you are right. It is tough to only have one talent. Here, I will do your work for you. Neither what God had given this man nor what he had not given him was the issue. The issue was just one thing: what had he done with what was given him? How had he used it? How had he responded to the options that were available to him? Had he tried his best and failed, he would not have been graded on the failure. He was graded simply on whether or not he had acted responsibly with what had been dealt to him.

When the man made excuses, accusing God of harshness to the point of expecting too much of a person, God could have said, “No, I am not harsh. I do not ask for a return where I have not given anything. Didn't I start you out with a talent?” But he didn't say this because the issue was deeper than whether or not the servant had a good excuse, in fact, God's answer to the man recognized that his excuses may have been real! But they didn't matter. He said that even it those things were true, the man still should have at least done something! At the very least he should have taken responsibility and put the money to some kind of use, in other words, there is no excuse.

Perhaps our excuses may somewhat define and describe our options, but they do not do away with our responsibility. We still have the freedom to respond to whatever comes our way, whether we get tons of talents or only one.

All of us have certain areas of our life in which we only get “one talent.” And those are the areas where we will be most afraid to make a positive choice. But God has designed the universe in such a way that he expects us to use the freedom he has given us to take responsibility for our situation, find the possible options, and respond to them.

And the results of our choices will simply be what they are. He does not always shield us from bad results, although at times he may. Most of the time, he allows us to reap the rewards of our choices, whether positive or negative. He will not smile indulgently at our foolish choices and think he is responsible for bailing us out. In fact, that was part of' the devil's temptation of Jesus. Satan told Jesus to just jump off the high precipice, and not to worry, because God would save him. He even used a Bible quote to back up his temptation. But Jesus came back with a very firm reinforcement of the principle of responsibility. “It says: 'Do not put the Lord your God to the test'” (Luke 4:12 1.4KV). It is not an act of faith to fail to take responsibility for our lives and then think that God is somehow responsible for the outcome.

It began with God giving Adam and Eve a Paradise along with the abilities to rule it, and then holding them responsible for what happened. That was simply the created order of things. And that created order still remains, although now it's marred and mixed up by sin. God gives us a life and various degrees of resources to manage it and cope with it. Sometimes he allows bad things to happen and offers us help and other ways out of, or through, the difficulty. But even when he helps us and gives us resources, he still requires responsibility from us to live our lives by making responsible choices, and the results will always testify to how well we make those choices.

This is not just some brand of theoretical theology. If you don't believe me, step on the scales and look at reality. McDonald's or not, the scales don't lie; our lives weigh-in at what they truly are. Reality is what it is. And much of what ultimately constructs that reality is our choice. Much of it is up to us.

How We Give Away Ownership By Demanding That Life Be Fair and Just.

When we think of the terms just or fair, we are thinking about the way life ought to be. The dictionary defines just as what is right or deserved. When you say, “He got his just desserts,” you are saying he got what he deserved in the situation. He got justice, and justice is one of the most important concepts in the universe. One of the hallmarks of a spiritual person, according to the Bible, is practicing justice and seeking it for those who are not getting it, especially those unable to seek it for themselves.

But the very reason that God asks us to seek and practice justice is that we live in a world that does not operate justly. The stark reality is that the world as we find it today is not a just or fair place. It does not operate according to the rules of how things “ought to be.” People often do not get what they deserve, in fact, people often get things they don't deserve, awful things that hurt them in significant ways. That is the reality we encounter in this world. And part of believing in God and serving him is to right anything we find that is hurting someone, thus dealing with this harsh reality.

People who own their lives own them in reality, not in the fantasy world of the way life ought to be. That means they take ownership of their lives in the world that is, not the world as they wish it were. They own the fact that we live in a world that is neither fair nor just, and they deal with that reality. They do not spend a lot of energy protesting that unfair reality, demanding that the world be different. They deal with their world as they find it. As a result, they are effective in finding solutions to life, even when life has dealt them hard realities that just “should not be.”

Other people, however, do not face reality so realistically. They refuse to own their lives in this world in which they find themselves. They want a different world--one that is fair and just, where people do what they are supposed to do. They want a world where people treat them the way they are supposed to be treated, and where good things happen to good people and had things happen to had people. That is fair, and that is the way it should be.

That is a wonderful wish. That kind of world was God's desire for us from the beginning. But that is not the world as it is. God came to grips with the fact that sin had messed up the created order, and he offered forgiveness to imperfect people, along with a chance for them to work through the unfairness and injustice to achieve a fulfilling life. But some people never get it; they never come to grips with the fact that the world is no longer perfect. They still want it to be perfect and sit around protesting the fact that it is not. They blame others, sometimes even rightly so, for their situations. It's not their fault. And while they waste time thinking about how life ought to be, they remain stuck with their problems because they will not deal with reality as it really is.

Effective people are like my second friend. They desire justice and seek it. But when it does not show up, they do not remain stuck. They get active and find the best solution to their situation. They find answers that are not provided by those who are diminishing their lives with unfair burdens. Like God, they look at an imperfect world and deal with it. They don't get stuck in the “life ought to be fair, and I am going to sit here and demand that it is” syndrome. They choose the “when life is not fair, I will do everything in my power to find an answer to the problem at hand” attitude.

One day on our radio show, a woman called in and said that her mother had treated her miserably during the Thanksgiving holiday. The caller had gone back to school and was pursuing her dreams, and her mother had criticized her for wasting time trying to improve herself. “My mom was so critical.” she said. “She just said the meanest things, like, 'Why are you doing that? You'll never make a living in that field. You are too old for this. Why don't you just get a real job and get on with it?' It was horrible. She ruined my whole holiday.”

Sensing that this caller was not a child, I said, “That's terrible. By the way, how old are you?”

“Forty.

So, is this the same mother you have had all those forty years?”

“Of course.”

“And is this the first time that she has ever been non-supportive or critical?”

“Why, no! She does this all the time. She is so mean. She always ruins my plans and dreams. She has never supported me.”

“Hmm. And what was it about this particular holiday that made you think that she was going to magically change and be a different person?” I asked, adding gently, “Why did you expect that to happen? Who do you think the crazy one is here?”

The caller did not like my point, but she got it. Sure, her mother should be a supportive person. In a perfect world, everyone should have a supportive mother. But her mother wasn't, and everyone doesn't. So the caller was ruining her life by dealing with it in a “life should be as it ought to be” manner. Instead of telling herself, “My mother is not a supportive person. So I had better come to grips with that and take responsibility for my needs to be supported,” she had plunged blindly ahead and acted in accord with the way that she wished the world was. As a result, she was disappointed.

If she had not held on to that fairness requirement, she could get on with life. Her call to me would have been different. I would have heard something like this:

“I just had the greatest holiday. After enrolling in school I went to see my mother. As usual, she ridiculed my decision and gave me a hard time over it. In the old days, I always wished for her to be supportive, and when she was not, I was always hurt and deflated. But now, instead of thinking that she should be something she is not, I got my support from friends who were able to give it before I visited my mother. So I didn't need to look to her for it. Instead, I was able just to be with her and love her as she is. I accepted her for who she is with her limitations and enjoyed her and the visit. As a result, I did not give her the power over my life that she used to have. It was a great holiday.”

That, by the way, is an actual conversation I had with a real person who was the kind who takes ownership of her life. As a result, she is able to live and love in the way that God does, accepting people for who they are and reality for what it is. That's the only way to deal with life effectively.

The big lesson here is this: deal with life as it is. Do not get stuck in protesting reality for what it ought to be.” If you give up the demand that life and the people in it be something other than what they are, you will find creative solutions to every difficult situation. And you will be a more loving person.

And, before you get pessimistic that the person you care about can never change, that is not what we are saving. We'll have more to say later about how you can be an influence for change with people you love. But first, you must take ownership for your own situation, whatever it is. If your difficulty is a non-supportive husband or wife, accept the reality of the problem and take ownership of dealing with it. Then and only then will you be able to find the best solution. If you just remain stuck and complain that he or she ought to he different, and you remain powerless and miserable until that person changes, then you are stuck in a prison. Take back the power. You can be free from whatever situation surrounds you to the degree that you are willing to take responsibility and ownership for it, even if it's not your fault.

People turn bad relationships around every day. People turn bad backgrounds around every day. People turn their unfair lives around everyday. How do they do it? By putting their arms around reality as it is, owning their situation, and taking responsibility for it. Do that and you'll be way ahead of the world. And that is what this book is about--we want to awaken your power to thrive in spite of less-than--ideal situations--whether they are bad relationships, bad backgrounds, or bad circumstances, it's all up to you. Only you can take the first step: you can choose to give up your demand that life be something that it is not and own it for what it is. Accept that reality, and stop protesting it. So, it's raining. You can get an umbrella and make a nice day out of it, or you can go out and complain about getting wet. It is up to you Give up “fair” and get a life.

Owning That This Is Not the First Time

“Is this the first time that sour mother has not been supportive? 1 asked the caller.

“Is this the first time that you have dated someone who has not been able to connect?” I asked the single who was six months into a disappointing relationship.

“Is this the first time that you have fallen prey to a promise about a great new deal that didn't pan out?” I asked the businessperson who felt duped again.

“Is this the first time that sour willpower and commitment have not gotten you the weight loss you expected?” I asked the woman who was discouraged about her failure at dieting.

I could go on, but you get the picture. It's the story of all of us. We have patterns of failure, and they work well. We do not need any new ones, for the old ones work just fine. Think about it. Look back at the failures you've experienced in relationships, moods, goals, careers, habits, or whatever. They all tend to follow the same path. Meet the guy, get enamored, have him chase you, adapt to whatever he wants, have a good season, he loses interest, you try to win him back, and then finally he is gone. And then repeat that in the next seven relationships.

Or, experience a strong desire for a certain relationship, have it disappointed, have the argument, get stuck in the conflict, become estranged, come back together and not resolve it, and wait for the next go-round.

There are many examples of these repetitive cycles, but the truth is what it is: we have patterns of failure. They are very predictable. Often when a couple comes to me for counseling, one of them will make an accusatory statement about the other. “Okay, stop,” I will say. “Do you know what your partner is going to say or do in reaction to what you just said? Do you know already where this conversation is going?” Invariably the answer is yes. So, that brings up the obvious question: “Then why do you do it?”

And here is the answer: we slip into patterns of behaving and reacting that remain fixed until we observe them and change them. We put ourselves on autopilot. We abandon conscious control and just repeat the same things over and over again. That is our innate nature, and it won't change until we work on changing it. You've heard it said, the fool repeats his folly, or more graphically, the dog returns to its vomit. (See Proverbs 25:11.) This means that to the degree that we are not seeing out own patterns of behavior and taking responsibility for them, we are going to repeat them.

Ownership is seeing those patterns and taking responsibility for them. If you are continually disappointed by certain repeated situations, then it is time to recognize the unproductive pattern and take ownership. The old adage has some truth to it: “Once, shame on you. Twice, shame on me.” In other words, anyone can get duped. But once we've been duped, we have to take ownership and responsibility for our reactions and expectations to prevent it from happening again.

Sometimes that means not placing ourselves in the same situation again, or at least, not with the same expectations. Think of the caller we met, the daughter with the demeaning mother. Either she could choose not to go visit her mother and not place herself in the same situation, or she could visit her but change her expectation that her mother would be supportive.

At other times, taking ownership means that we understand who we are dealing with. We understand them as they are, not as we wish them to be. We take ownership of the reality before we go about trying to improve it.

Maria had a husband who did not get it. They had been married for five years, and she was constantly hurt and disappointed by his behavior. But when she reacted with criticism, he would invariably react right back, and they would find themselves in a quagmire which always sank her into hopeless despair.

But then she learned about patterns. She could see her pattern of repeatedly expecting him to be different than he was and then suffering again when he wasn't. Her first reaction was to pull back and think, “He is never going to be any different. It's hope1ess.” Given the amount of pain she had endured. I understood. She would have been justified in giving tip. But she was strong enough not to give up and wise enough to look at her pattern for an answer. When she examined the pattern, she realized that the problem with it was not in wanting the situation to be better; it was in the futility of thinking that it would get better each time she and her husband had a confrontation. So she regrouped.

Since Maria's husband was open to change, although slow at bringing it about, she decided to stop the old pattern and try something different. She would establish a new pattern and simply accept the inevitable fact that he would be slow to get it and unenthusiastic in his response. She would wish and ask for more, but when he blew it she would understand and take in stride the fact that this was going to be part of the picture. Part of the new pattern would he dealing with that reality. She owned her situation and did not let it do her in or destroy her marriage.

Instead, she gave up her old pattern of reacting to his failures arid got in control. From then on, when he became hurtful again she told him that she was going to go hang out with her support group and give him some time to think about his behavior. When he was ready to see it as a problem, she would be glad to talk to him.

Maria's new pattern allowed her to remain in control of herself instead of allowing his failures to have the power over her that they had had before. As a result, he was left to deal with his failures. By changing her pattern, Maria did two things: First, she kept herself from being as hurt by his failures by opening herself to the reality that existed by open instead of the reality of her wish. She saw him as he was. Second, she took a stance that did not allow his problem to become her problem. By getting above his issue, she became an agent of positive change in their relationship.

Ask yourself this: in the significant areas of life that I care about, what unhelpful patterns am I repeating? When you discover such a pattern, you find an area of responsibility. You are not responsible for the bad things that happen to you, but you are responsible for the patterns you create to response to them. Find a pattern and you find an opportunity for growth, change, and power. If every time I drive by the Golden Arches I turn in and eat five cheeseburgers. I may do well to see a pattern and not drive that route. Understand your patterns and own them. When you do that, you will begin to see alternative choices. If every time you find yourself in situation A you do B and get negative results, you may do well to recognize that this is not just something that is happening to you. You may have some responsibility' in it. And the good news is this: wherever you have responsibility, you have the opportunity for change, choice, power, and a new outcome. If--and that is a big if--you take responsibility for that pattern.

Recently I rejoiced at a friend's victory. He called another friend and said, “I want you to hold me accountable for my dating life. I see a pattern, and it is not getting me where I want to be. I keep going to women who don't have the values and character that I want long-term. I get too involved with them, they want me to commit, and I can't. So I break up and we both get hurt. I want to stop doing that. I want to get in a relationship with a woman who shares my values.”

When I heard that, I had hope for my friend for the first time in four years. Finally, he sees the pattern. My guess is that by this time next year, he will be in a relationship with a woman who shares his values.

So find your pattern. We all have them in the areas where we are stuck. The person whose willpower repeatedly fails to keep her from succumbing to the Golden Arches is no different than the one who keeps getting hurt by a critical mother she continually thinks will be different, or the person who thinks the next impulsive scheme is going to work when the ten before did not. See the pattern and you will discover the place to change your life.

The Real Diversion

Why do we blame others or circumstances for what happens to us? There are lots of reasons. We will go into more of them later but one that we want to consider here is diversion. Diversion gets our attention off the fact that we have responsibility. It diverts us from having to do whatever we could to make the situation better. Making the situation better may involve a lot of work, pain, or change on our part. That is a big reason why more people do not do it. It's easier to divert attention from their responsibility by blaming. It is far easier to say, “The economy is bad, and there are no jobs,” than to get a degree in another field or to knock on a few hundred business doors. It is far easier to say that one is unhappy because his or her significant other is not very relational than to learn new patterns of relating that could repair the relationship. It is far easier to give in to one more hamburger ad than to attend a few Weight Watchers meetings. Blame is a sort of Comfort food for the soul. It diverts us from the effort of owning responsibility.

The problem is that like any other “comfort food,” diversion by blaming does not do much to for you in the end. Eat a few gallons of ice cream and you are no healthier than when you began. Indulge in a few gallons of blame and you are no closer to a solution than when you began. Blame is the worst of diversions. Not only does blame divert us from our responsibility, it diverts us from the real issue at hand: what we are losing not taking ownership of the problem. In the end, solving the problem is what matters.

So change your focus. Instead of focusing on what is causing your misery, try something new: focus on your misery. Focus on the result of what you are doing. Focus on what your pattern and your blame are costing you. If you do that, the blame begins to fade into the background as it has no meaning. If you look at the result, then the “why” is not important. What is important is the “what.” Why the problem is there ultimately means nothing. Solving the problem means everything. So McDonald's or some other fast food is the why you are eating. The what is that you are overweight, and solving that problem is the only thing that matters. Blame only diverts us from the real issue, and that is the result we are getting from our pattern of behavior. When we see that, we will be motivated to change the result by doing something different.

Only you can do that. Only you can look at your life and ask yourself if you like the results you are getting. Only you can look at the fruit of your pattern of behavior, take ownership of it, and do something about it, if you keep dating the sort of people whose values disappoint you, only you can own responsibility for your choices and stop blaming the external world for the outcome. If you are not losing the weight you want to lose, only you can take ownership of your weight and choose to change your eating patterns. It you are not getting what you desire out of your relationships, only you can look at that result and do something about it.

Excuses Don't Change Things

Once when I was doing a dating workshop a woman said, “Well, it's difficult to find dates when you work as much as I do. I'm a career woman, and I am so busy that I just can't find time to meet new people.”

My reply was, “So I guess only unemployed women find dates.” She balked, but I went on. I told her that while her excuse may have made her feel better, it was not going to change her result. Then I listed about ten things that busy women do to meet new people and find good results. They join services, change their schedules, network better, go to new places, engage in personal growth to find out why they are not attracting the men that are around them, and so on. I had written a book on dating and knew the research exploring how men and women change their dating lives. It happens successfully every day. This woman did not like hearing this list; it destroyed her ability to hide behind her excuses.

There's one thing that people do not realize about excuses. They are usually true. But my response to that is, So what? Yes, your excuse is real. Now, given that, what are you going to do about it? Your excuses do not change one single thing. It is up to you to do that. Get past the excuses and get on with it.

* It is true that you do not have time to work out. So what? What are you going to do about that?

* It is true that you do not have a supportive church for your emotional issues. So what? What are you doing to do about that?

* It is true that a particular person in your life is not giving you what you deserve. So what? What are you doing to do to deal with that?

* It is true that not one good, single eligible person is showing up at your door. So what? What are you going to do about that?

* It is trite that your particular metabolism allows easy weight gain. So what? What are you going to do about that?

Remember, the parable of the talents the tine with no result had a good excuse. He did not have a lot to begin with, and according to him, his master was a tough sell. But God comes along and says. “So what? You should have heed that reality and done something with it.”

The good news is this: you ran. You can do something with your reality. Taking ownership and responsibility for your life does not mean that you have to fix it alone. God will be with you and will work miracles. He is a God who answers. He is a God who parts the Red Sea and feeds thousands out of a few fishes and loaves. But he also asks us to own our responsibility--to name the animals, to dig our talent out of the ground, and to make difficult relationships work, lie invites us to do that. And if we do, he will do the things that we are unable to do. But he won't do the things that we can do for ourselves. That is the created order. God will do the “God things,” and we have to do the “people things.”

And here is even more good news: there is help even when we can't do the people things. Even if we can't say no to a hamburger with our name on it. God will help us develop that ability when we own that problem and begin to deal with it. He does not think we are going to be able to do in things we can't do. Addicts who admit their powerlessness is the first step know this well. But when we can't do it, God does ask us to take the responsibility and ownership of the situation and to ask for his help and the help and the help of others.

If you take that first step, things can change. Or you can blame the hamburger. It is up to you.

Living with Enthusiasm

A woman shopping in Houston happily hummed a tune as she collected the items she wished to purchase and approached the cashier to pay. The clerk, noticing the shopper's effervescent personality, lust stared at the shopper for a long moment as though she was wondering what was wrong with her. Still eying her somewhat curiously, the clerk finally offered an obligatory “How are you doing today?”

That's all it took. The enthusiastic woman nearly bubbled over. “How nice of you to ask! I'm doing great. I am so blessed. I'm excited about this day!”

The clerk looked at the woman quizzically for a moment, and then said, “Let me ask you a question. Do you go to Lakewood?”

“Why, yes I do,” the shopper said. “How did you guess?”

The clerk shook her head and smiled. “I should have known. Everybody that comes in here like you is from Lakewood.”

When I first heard that story, I chuckled, but then I thought, What a great compliment! That's the way it should be. God's people should be the happiest people on earth! So happy, in fact, that other people notice. Why? Because we not only have a fabulous future, we can enjoy life today! That's what living your best life now is all about.

Live with Enthusiasm

Living your best life now is living with enthusiasm and being excited about the life God has given you. It is believing for more good things in the days ahead, but it is also living in the moment and enjoying it to the hilt!

Let's not be naive. The pressures of modern life constantly threaten to take a toll on our enthusiasm, causing it to quickly evaporate if it is not continually replenished. You probably know some people who have lost their passion. They've lost their zest for life. Once they were excited about the future. They were excited about their dreams, but they've lost their fire.

Perhaps even in your own life you've seen evidence of dwindling enthusiasm. Maybe at one time you were excited about your marriage. You were deeply in love, so full of passion, but now your marriage has become stale and stagnant. Or maybe you were excited about your job. You loved going to work, but recently, it's become dull, routine, and boring. Maybe at one time you were excited about serving God. You couldn't wait to get to church. You loved reading your Bible, praying, and spending time with fellow believers. But lately you've been thinking, I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't have any drive. I don't have fly passion. I'm just going through the motions.

The truth is, much of life is routine, and we can become stagnant if we're not careful. We need to stir ourselves up, to replenish our supply of God's good gifts on a daily basis. Like the Israeli people in the wilderness who had to gather God's miraculous provisions of manna afresh each morning, we, too, cannot get by on yesterday's supply. We need fresh enthusiasm each day. The word enthusiasm derives from two Greek words, en theos, meaning “inspired by God.” Our lives need to be inspired, infused, filled afresh with God's goodness every day

Make a decision that you are not going to live another day without the joy of the Lord in your life; without love, peace, and passion; without being excited about your life. And understand that you don't have to have something extraordinary happening in your life to be excited. You may not live in the perfect environment or have the perfect job or the perfect marriage, but you can still choose to live each day with enthusiasm. The Scripture says, “Never lag in zeal, but be aglow and on fire, serving the Lord enthusiastically” Do those terms describe your life? Are you aglow with God's presence in your life? Are you on fire with enthusiasm? You can be! When you awaken in the morning, do you get up with passion to meet the day? Are you excited about your dreams? Do you go to work each day with enthusiasm?

“Well, I don't really like my job,” Darlene complains. “I can't stand driving in the traffic. I don't like the people I work around.”

If that sounds familiar, you need to change your attitude. You should be grateful that you even have a job. You need to appreciate and stay excited about the opportunities God has given you. Wherever you are in life, make the most of it and be the best that you can be. If your assignment right now is to raise your children, do it with passion. Do it with enthusiasm. Don't get up and say, “Humph! My friends are out doing something significant, something important, something exciting. All I'm doing is taking care of these kids.”

A mother's work is one of the most important jobs in the whole world. But you have to keep up your enthusiasm. You may not have somebody patting you on the back or cheering you on. Your day may not be filled with extraordinary events. There are diapers to change, children to feed, clothes to be washed and pressed, housework that needs to be done; routine, mundane chores that seem to start over the moment you complete them. But in the midst of the ordinary, you can choose to have an extraordinary attitude toward your work. The Scripture tells us to do everything we do with our whole hearts, “to never lag in zeal.”

If you work outside the home, don't give your employer a halfhearted effort. Don't dawdle on the telephone, wasting your employer's time and money. If you are digging a ditch, don't spend half the day leaning on your shovel; do your work with excellence and enthusiasm!

“Well, they don't pay me enough, anyway I shouldn't have to work very hard.”

You won't be blessed, with that kind of attitude. God wants you to give it everything you've got. Be enthusiastic. Set an example.

We should be so excited, and so full of joy that other people will want what we have. Ask yourself, “Is the way I'm living attractive and contagious? Will my attitudes, the words I speak, my expressions, the way I handle challenges and setbacks, cause anybody to want what I have?” In other words, are you drawing people to God, because of your joy your friendliness, your enthusiasm, your attitude of faith? Or do you alienate people, turning them away because you're perpetually negative, discouraged, caustic, or cynical? Nobody enjoys being around a person like that. If you want to point people to God, or simply to a better way of living, have some enthusiasm and be excited about life.

I love the fictitious story of Tom Sawyer. As a young boy, Tom was told he had to go outside and paint the fence. Well, Tom didn't feel like working; he wanted to go play with his friends. But instead of getting all negative and sour, he decided he was going to make the best of that situation. He went out and started painting that fence with enthusiasm and excitement, as though he were enjoying it. His friends came around, and when they saw how much fun Tom was having, they became envious of him. They said, “Hey, Tom! Would you let us try painting that fence?”

“Oh, no,” Tom said. “This is my fence. This is my project. You could never do what I'm doing.” He played it up real big. And you know the story. When it was all said and done, Tom Sawyer was sitting back watching his friends do all the work, simply because he approached his chore with excitement and enthusiasm.

Who knows what would happen if each of us lived with more excitement in our eyes, with our hearts full of passion, our faces filled with enthusiasm? Instead of dragging around, complaining that you don't want to mow the lawn, put a smile on your face, a spring in your step, start acting as if you're enjoying it. Maybe somebody will come along to help! If not, at least you will feel better about your work. You'll have more energy, and you will get the job done quicker. You will be amazed at how God will pour out His favor, and how the “breaks” will start coming your way, when you start living with enthusiasm. Employers prefer employees who are excited about working at their companies. Your boss is much more likely to give you a raise in pay or a promotion if you have a good attitude and are excited about working, than if you just show up and do your work in a perfunctory manner. In fact, studies show that enthusiastic people often get promoted over other employees who are actually more qualified. The upbeat person is promoted simply because he or she has a good attitude.

Other People Will Notice

Hundreds of people work with us at Lakewood, but regardless of how talented or skilled a person may be, we don't hire anybody who's not excited about our organization. We don't hire a person who doesn't believe in what we are doing. Moreover, we don't encourage employees to remain on our staff if they don't think Lakewood is the greatest place in the world to work. We want only enthusiastic coworkers.

For several years, I noticed Jackie sitting down front at Lakewood Church, week after week. She was always excited about the service, attentive to what was going on, participating with tremendous enthusiasm, and radiating joy from her very demeanor and countenance. I didn't know who she was, but she always looked like she was having the time of her life. When we sang, she would sing with her whole heart. When I'd be bringing a message, I'd look out at the audience, and Jackie would always have a smile on her face. She'd be nodding her head, as though she was encouraging me, “Come on, Joel. Tell me more. You're doing a good job.”

When a staff position became available in our Women's Ministry; the first thing I said was, “Somebody go find that lady who sits down front. There's nobody I would rather have represent us than somebody like her!”

We hired Jackie, and she continues to inspire and encourage people. That door of opportunity opened for her simply because she was enthusiastic. She was excited. When you live with passion and are excited about your dreams, other people will notice. It may not even be your own employer who promotes you, but somebody else will notice Your positive attitude and will offer you a position that you weren't expecting. All kinds of advantages and opportunities will come your way if you'll simply do everything you do with enthusiasm, with your whole heart.

Growing up, I was fascinated by a traffic policeman who worked over by the Galleria, one of the busy shopping areas in Houston. He directed traffic at one of the busiest intersections in that part of town. During rush hour, the traffic would be so badly backed up, it was not uncommon to have to wait ten or fifteen minutes just to get through that one light. Observing people in their cars, it was plain to see that they were irritated about having to wait so long. But when they approached the policeman, their whole attitude changed.

This officer didn't simply direct traffic. He put on a show! He was so enthusiastic, just watching him was entertaining. It was obvious that he loved what he was doing. He was practically dancing as he directed that traffic, with both arms waving wildly, his hands gesturing, his feet shuffling all through the intersection. He could direct the traffic and moonwalk at the same time!

Amazingly, after inching along in the traffic jam for ten or fifteen minutes, many drivers would pull over into nearby parking lots just to watch the traffic officer perform. He was enthusiastic. He wasn't just showing up for work. He wasn't just going through the motions. No, he was passionately fulfilling his destiny.

That's the way you and I should be. Don't just go through the motions in life. Have some enthusiasm. Choose to be happy; live with excellence and integrity, and put a spring in your step. Put a smile on your face. Moonwalk if you want, and let the world know that you are enjoying the life God has given you!

Friend, if you want to see God's favor, do everything with your whole heart. Do it with passion and some fire. Not only will you feel better, but that fire will spread, and soon other people will want what you have. Do you want your life to make an impact? You can change the atmosphere of your home or your entire office with a little bit of enthusiasm. Don't live another day defeated and depressed. Stir yourself up; rekindle that fire.

In the New Testament, the apostle Paul encouraged his young coworker Timothy: “Fan the flame. Rekindle the embers. Stir up the gift that is within you.” Paul was reminding his understudy to live with enthusiasm. Give it your all. Don't settle for mediocrity.

You may have to live or work around people who are prone to being negative, who tend to drag you down. But don't let them throw water on your fire. Don't let their lack of enthusiasm squelch your passion. If you live with a deadbeat spouse, make a decision that you're going to be happy and enthusiastic anyway. If you work around people who are always negative, try to overcome that negativity by being positive, encouraging, and uplifting. Fan your flame more than usual to make sure the fire doesn't go out.

When everybody else is down and defeated, when you are all alone with nobody nearby to encourage you, simply encourage yourself. Your attitude should be: It doesn't matter what anybody else does or doesn't do, I'm going to live my life with enthusiasm! I'm going to stay on fire. I'm going to be aglow. I'm going to be passionate about seeing my dreams come to pass.

People who see me on television sometimes write to me, Saying, “Joel, why do you always smile so much? Why are you so happy? Why are you so enthusiastic?”

“I'm glad you asked!” I respond, and that opens the door for me to tell them about my relationship with God, and how they can have a relationship with Him as well.

Some guy stopped me on the streets in New York City and said, “Hey; aren't you that smiling preacher?”

I laughed and said, “I guess so. That's me. I'm the smiling preacher.” I take that as a compliment. Yes, I'm guilty of being happy! I'm guilty of being excited about the future. I'm guilty of living each day with enthusiasm.

God Has Great Things in Store for You

Prior to reading this book, you may have been down in the doldrums or stuck in a rut. Perhaps you were ready to give up on your dreams. You weren't excited about the people in your life or your career. But now you know better! Now, you know that God has great things in store for you. It's time to relight your fire; recapture your enthusiasm and adopt a fresh, positive, happy attitude.

“Yes, but Joel, I've had a rough year. I've gone through so many disappointments. I've lost a lot of good things.”

Maybe so, but have you considered this? If it were not for the goodness of God, you might have lost it all. You might not even be here today. Why not be grateful for what you have? Quit looking at what's wrong and start thanking God for what's right. Get up each day expecting good things. Start expecting God's favor. Start expecting His blessings. Be excited about today.

This could be the day things turn around. This could be the day you get your miracle. This could be the day you meet the person of your dreams. This could be the day your child comes back home. That's how you stay enthusiastic, even in tough times. You expect good things. You stay filled with hope.

“What if I do all that and nothing happens?” I hear you saying. “I'll go to bed all discouraged after another disappointment.”

No, you can go to bed saying, “God, even though it didn't happen today, I'm still trusting. I'm still believing for good things in my life. I'm still excited, knowing that I'm one day closer to my miracle. I'm one day closer to things turning around. I'm one day closer to a breakthrough.”

That's what it means to stay full of zeal. Stay passionate about seeing your dreams come to pass. Stay on fire and aglow. Whatever you do, do it with enthusiasm!

The Bible says, “If you are willing and obedient, you shall eat the good of the land.” Notice, we have to be more than obedient; we must be willing--willing to do the right thing, willing to live with a good attitude and with enthusiasm.

It's interesting to watch when the offerings are taken in church. A lot of people will give, but they're not really willing. Their attitude is: Here, God. Here's the money I owe You. Another hundred bucks. I could have bought a new truck by now.

Technically, they may be obedient when it comes to giving, but God desires more than mere obedience; He's looking for a willing heart. The Bible says, “God loves a cheerful giver.” (One translation says, “An enthusiastic giver.”) This truth does not simply apply to money. We should cheerfully give of our time, cheerfully serve other people, cheerfully do good to those around us.

I don't enjoy people giving me things out of obligation or duty, simply because they feel they have to. What if on my birthday my children came up to me and said, “All right, Daddy, here is your gift. We had to spend all our money on this, so if you really want it, you can have it”?

As much as I love my children, I'd say, “No, that's all right. You just keep that gift.”

What if Victoria came up to me in the morning and said, “All right, Joel, let's get it over with. Let me give you a hug. Okay, I did my duty for the day”

No, we all want somebody who wants to love us, somebody with a willing heart, somebody who's enthusiastic about being around us. God is the same way He doesn't simply want us to obey Him out of fear or even respect; He wants us to love Him as our heavenly Father. He wants us to do the right thing because we want to!

He looks at your heart. When you pray talk to God with a willing attitude. When it's time to attend church services or take part in other opportunities to serve in the community be excited about it. Don't do it out of obligation, merely because you have to. No, do it because you want to please God. Do it with enthusiasm. Learn to be more than obedient; learn to be willing. Develop a habit of doing the right thing with the proper motives, with a right attitude, and out of a grateful heart.

One of the main reasons that we lose our enthusiasm in life is because we become ungrateful; we take for panted what God has done for us. We let what once was a miracle become common to us. We get so accustomed to His goodness, it becomes routine; it doesn't really excite us anymore. I heard somebody say “Don't let your miracles become monuments.” A monument is a piece of wood or stone that reminds us of something that once was alive, vibrant, and exciting.

Maybe you used to be excited about the home that God helped you to buy but now that you've grown accustomed to it, you forget to be grateful for it; you're not excited about it anymore. That's old news.

Maybe you once were excited about that person God supernaturally brought into your life as a marriage partner, but now all the excitement has worn off. Don't allow that sense of a miracle to slip away Don't get so familiar with each other that you take one another for granted.

During the first year that Victoria and I dated, we were on cloud nine. We laughed. We had fun. We didn't need to do extravagant or expensive things for entertainment. We were happy doing ordinary things. We were in love; we were excited, so everything we did was exciting as far as we were concerned.

On one of our first dates I picked her up a bit early, so we had a few minutes to spare. As we were driving down the highway Victoria said, “Joel, let's pull into that new office building over there and take a look at the lobby I've heard that it is incredibly beautiful.”

Now, normally I would think. Why do I want to go into a building and look at a lobby? I can think of much more exciting things to do.

But no, I was with Victoria. As long as she was there, it didn't matter. I would have gone and looked around a power plant as long as we were together!

If you are married, you probably felt the same way about your spouse. You were head over heels for that person. You knew God brought you together.

But too often, as time goes by, we take for granted what God has done for us. We get up in the morning and say “Well, that's just my wife (or husband). No big deal. Sorry honey I don't have time to give you a hug. I'm in a hurry I don't have time to do anything fun tonight. I might miss my favorite TV show, or the ball game.” What we once regarded as a miracle has now become commonplace. We've grown cool to it; we take what we have for granted.

But the good news is, that fire can be rekindled. In your marriage, in your career, in your personal relationships, in your life! If you will initiate the changes you've learned about in this book, the excitement will come back. Rekindle that fire. Don't take life for granted.

Don't take for panted the greatest gift of all that God has given you--Himself! Don't allow your relationship with Him to become stale, or your appreciation for His goodness to become common. Get your fire back. Fan the flame more than ever. Live with enthusiasm. Whatever you do, do it for Him, with your whole heart.

Friend, God doesn't want you to drag through life defeated and depressed. No matter what you've been through, no matter whose fault it was, no matter how impossible your situation may look, the good news is that God wants to turn it around and restore everything that has been stolen from you. He wants to restore your marriage, your family your career. He wants to restore those broken dreams. He wants to restore your joy and give you a peace and happiness you've never known before. Most of all, He wants to restore your relationship with Him. God wants you to live a satisfied life.

God doesn't want you simply to feel a little better for a few days after you read this book. No, God is in the long-term restoration business. He wants you to have a life filled with an abundance of joy, an abundance of happiness. God doesn't want you simply to survive that marriage. God wants to turn it around and restore you with a strong, healthy, rewarding relationship. God doesn't want your business to merely make it through the murky economic waters. He wants your business to sail and to excel! When God restores, He always brings you out better, improved, increased, and multiplied. He has a vision of total victory for your life!

Hold on to that new, enlarged vision of victory that God has given you. Start expecting things to change in your favor. Dare to boldly declare that you are standing strong against the forces of darkness. You will not settle for a life of mediocrity!

Raise your level of expectancy. It's our faith that activates the power of God. Let's quit limiting Him with our small-minded thinking and start believing Him for bigger and better things. Remember, if you obey God and are willing to trust Him, you will have the best this life has to offer--and more! Make a decision that from this day forward, you are going to be excited about the life God has for you. If you will:

* Enlarge your vision;

* Develop a healthy self-image;

* Discover the power of your thoughts and words;

* Let go of the past;

* Stand strong against op position and adversity;

* Live to give;

* And choose to be happy...,

God will take you places you've never dreamed of, and you will be living your best life now!

Being a Person of Excellence and Integrity

For many people, mediocrity is the norm; they want to do as little as they possibly can and still get by. But God did not create us to be mediocre or average. He doesn't want us to just barely get by, or to do what everybody else is doing. God has called us to be a cut above. He's called us to stand out in the crowd, to be people of excellence and integrity. Indeed, the only way to be truly happy is to live with excellence and integrity. Any hint of compromise will taint our greatest victories or our grandest achievements.

What does it mean to be a person of excellence and integrity?

A person of excellence and integrity goes the extra mile to do what's right. He keeps his word even when it's difficult. People of excellence arrive at work on time. They give their employers a full day's work; they don't leave early or call in sick when they are not. When you have an excellent spirit, it shows up in the quality of your work, and the attitude with which you do it.

God doesn't bless mediocrity. He blesses excellence. The Scripture says, “Whatever you do, work at it with your whole heart, not unto men, but do it unto God knowing that God will reward you.” Notice, whatever we do, we should give it our best effort and do it as if we were doing it for God. If we'll work with that standard in mind, God promises to reward us.

If you want to live your best life now, start aiming for excellence and integrity in your life, doing a little bit more than you are required to do. If you are supposed to be at work at eight o'clock, get there ten minutes early and stay ten minutes late. Go the extra mile. A lot of people show up at work fifteen minutes late, then they wander around the office, go get some coffee, and finally get to their desk or worksite thirty minutes later. They spend half the day talking on the phone, playing games, or sending jokes on the Internet, and then they wonder, God, why don't You ever bless me? Why don't I ever get a promotion?

God doesn't bless mediocrity God blesses excellence and integrity

“But Joel, everybody's doing it. Everybody gets to work late at my office. Everybody plays on the Internet when the boss is gone. Everybody takes extra-long lunch breaks.”

Maybe so, but you are not like everybody else! You are called to live a life of excellence. You represent Almighty God. How you live, how you conduct your business or do your work, whether you're on time or not, is all a reflection on our God.

Start making the more excellent choices in every area of life, even the mundane. For instance, you maybe driving a car that hasn't been washed in six weeks. Your trunk or backseat may be filled with so much junk--everything from your sports equipment to your office equipment--you can barely close the door! I'm not condemning anybody--Victoria and I have children, too--and sometimes our car looks like a storm hit it. But I don't like driving a car like that. Not only does it represent God poorly, but it makes me feel unkempt, undisciplined, sloppy, and less than my best. Many times before I leave the house, I'll take a couple of minutes and clean out the car, not because I want to impress my friends, but because I feel better driving a clean car. You need to take pride in what God has given you.

You may say, “Well, Joel, I'm just driving an old clunker. No use in my washing this.”

No, if you will start taking care of what God has given you, He'll be more likely to give you something better. Similarly, you may not live in a big, new, beautiful home. You may have an older, smaller home, but at least you can keep it looking nice. Make sure it looks like a person of excellence lives there.

A while back, I was driving through a certain section of Houston and I noticed that many of the people didn't take care of their homes. The yards weren't mowed; the weeds were overgrown, and things were stacked and stored everywhere on the side of the house, in the front yard, wherever space was available. The entire neighborhood looked messy. As I continued driving, I came to one particular house that stood out among the rest. The yard was mowed, everything was neatly in order, and the home looked beautiful. When I got to the church, I commented about that house in that neighborhood. Somebody said, “The people who live in that house are some of our most faithful members.”

That didn't surprise me a bit. God's people are people of excellence. The people who live in that home could have said, “Nobody else is taking care of their property in this neighborhood, why should we?” But they chose to be people of excellence, and they stood out from the crowd.

You may be in a situation today where everybody around you is compromising their integrity or taking the easy way out. Don't let that rub off on you. Be the one to have an excellent spirit. Be the one to stand out in the crowd.

Take care of what God has given you. My grandparents lived in a little wood-frame house that Granddaddy built way back in the 1930s. It couldn't have been more than a thousand square feet, but every time I went over there, the place was spotless inside and out. The yard was always immaculate. The bushes were perfectly trimmed. Granddaddy kept the outside of that house painted, and Grandmother kept the inside neat and clean. My grandparents didn't have a lot of money, but that didn't matter. They were people of excellence. They knew they represented God, and they were intent on being a positive reflection.

The same should be true of us. You are made in the image of Almighty God, and how you present yourself in your personal appearance is not only a reflection of how you feel about yourself, it is a direct reflection on God. When you put on a fresh, clean outfit, you'll go out feeling confident. On the other hand, if you leave the house looking sloppy and wearing dirty, disheveled clothing, you're not going to feel good about yourself.

One day Victoria asked me to run to the grocery store and pick up something so she could finish making dinner. I had just finished working out, and I was hot and sweaty. I was wearing an old T-shirt, and my hair was all messed up. But I didn't really feel like changing clothes. I thought, Okay, I'll run up to the grocery store and try to get in and out of there quickly, so hopefully nobody will see me. I drove to the store, still in my workout clothes. I pulled in the parking lot and was about to hop out of the car when God spoke to me. I mean, if God has ever spoken to me, He spoke to me right there! Right down inside, I'm sure He said, “Don't you dare go in there representing Me like that!” He said, “Don't you know that I'm the King of kings?”

I turned around, went back home, took a shower, combed my hair, brushed my teeth, and put on some clean clothes. Then I went back to that grocery store and picked up that TV dinner Victoria wanted!

Seriously, we need to remind ourselves that we represent Almighty God, and He does not appreciate laziness or sloppiness. When you go to the mall, and you accidentally knock those clothes off the rack, don't act as though you don't see them and just leave them lying on the floor. A person of excellence will pick them up and put them back on the appropriate rack. When you're at the grocery store and you suddenly decide you don't want that box of cereal, don't just stick it over by the potato chips. A person of excellence takes it back to where she found it.

“But Joel, those stores have employees who are paid to do those things,” I hear somebody saying. That doesn't matter. You do what is right, as unto God.

A person of excellence doesn't park in a parking spot designated for handicapped persons, just so he can run in and pick up something real quick. People of excellence go the extra mile to do what's right, not because somebody's watching them, not because they have to, but because they are honoring God.

People of excellence take care of other people's property as if it's their own. If you are in a hotel room, don't set a glass of water on that wooden table when you know it will stain. You wouldn't do that at your own house. Be a person of excellence and respect other people's property. When I used to travel a lot, many times I'd leave the hotel room with all the lights on, the air conditioner going full blast, and the television blaring. I thought, No big deal. I'm paying for this room. I can do what I want. But something inside said, Joel, that's not right. You don't waste electricity at your home. You should treat other people's property the same way you'd want them to treat yours.

Understand, neglecting those little things will not keep you out of heaven; in most cases, it won t even cause you serious problems or make you miserable in this life. But those subtle compromises of integrity will keep you from God's best. They will prevent you from ascending to your highest level. They will keep you from living your best life now. God desires people who will go the extra mile to do what is right even when nobody is watching.

People Are Watching You

I was in a store parking lot one windy day, and when I opened my car door, the wind blew out several pieces of paper onto the ground. I didn't really need the papers, but I didn't want to litter, either. Each time I went to pick them up, a gust of wind blew them about fifteen or twenty feet in all different directions. I thought, Now, I don't want to go chasing around the parking lot all day, trying to pick up that paper! I glanced at the lot and noticed there was already plenty of other trash out there. I was in kind of a hurry, too. I came up with several good excuses why I shouldn't waste any more time chasing kites. I had almost talked myself out of retrieving the trash when I decided, No, I will do the right thing and go pick that stuff up.

I wandered around that parking lot pursuing my papers. Every time the wind kicked up, the paper flew even farther. I was saying to myself, “What in the world are you doing out here? Just leave it. The store probably has a street weeper that comes by every night!”

But I kept collecting papers until I felt certain I had all that had flown from my car--and several that had flown from other people's cars! When I finally got it all gathered up, I came back to my car. I hadn't realized it, but there was a couple sitting in the car parked next to mine. They rolled down their windows when they recognized me. We talked there for a couple of seconds. Then the young woman smiled and said, “We were watching to see what you were going to do about all those papers that flew out of your car.”

I thought, Thank You, God, that I obeyed and did the right thing! Whether you realize it or not, people are watching you. They're watching how you dress, how you take care of your home, how you treat other people. They're watching you at work. What do they see? Are you a good representation of our God? Are you striving for excellence? Or are you compromising in so called insignificant areas?

God wants us to be people of integrity, people of honor, people who are trustworthy. A person of integrity is open and honest. He doesn't have any hidden agendas or ulterior motives. A person of integrity is true to his word. He keeps his commitments. He doesn't need a legal contract; his word is his bond. People of integrity are the same in private as they are in public. They don't go out and treat their friends and coworkers kindly and then go home and treat their family rudely or disrespectfully. No, when you have integrity you'll do what's right whether anybody is watching or not.

Every day our integrity is tested. If the bank teller gives you too much money in return, are you going to have integrity and go back and make things right? Or are you going to go out of there saying, “Thank You, Jesus! You did it again!”

Do you call in sick at work so you can stay home and take care of your personal business? When the phone rings and it's somebody you don't want to talk to, do you tell your child to lie? “Tell them I'm not home!”

“Oh, Joel, that's just a little white lie,” some people say. “It's not hurting anything.” No, lies are not color coded in the Bible. In God's sight, there is no such thing as a white, gray, or black lie. A lie is a lie. If you're not telling the truth, that's being dishonest. Sooner or later, it will catch up to you. What you sow you will eventually reap.

Understand this: If you will lie about the little things, before long you'll lie about bigger things. We read about the large companies that have come tumbling down because of fraud and financial misdeeds. Those people didn't start off by stealing millions of dollars. Most likely, they started off compromising a hundred dollars here, a thousand dollars there. Then, when the opportunity came, they compromised in millions. Don't kid yourself, if you will compromise in something small, eventually you will compromise in more serious matters. Compromise is a downhill slide. And theft is theft, whether it's a dollar, a thousand dollars, or a million dollars. If you're taking home your company's office supplies, that's being dishonest. If you're not giving your company a full day's work, that's not integrity If you're having to stretch the truth in order to get that new account, that is deceit, and God won't bless that. We need to live honestly before our God and before other people. I heard somebody put it this way: “Don't do anything that you wouldn't feel comfortable reading about in the newspaper the next day.”

When I go to the video store, if I have to hide from someone the movie I am renting, then something is wrong. If my credit report were to be made public today, would I be embarrassed because I never pay my bills on time? If my coworkers were interviewed on television, would they say I'm a person of honor, somebody they can count on, somebody they can trust? Or would they say, “That guy will stab you in the back every time. He's only out for himself”?

God wants us to be people of excellence and integrity. If you don't have integrity, you will never reach your highest potential. Integrity is the foundation on which a truly successful life is built. Every time you compromise, every time you are less than honest, you are causing a slight crack in your foundation. If you continue compromising, that foundation will never be able to hold what God wants to build. You'll never have lasting prosperity if you don't first have integrity. Oh, you may enjoy some temporary success, but you'll never see the fullness of God's favor if you don't take the high road and make the more excellent choices. On the other hand, God's blessings will overtake us if we settle for nothing less than living with integrity

Of course, we all want to prosper in life. But the real question is: Are we willing to pay the price to do the right thing? It's not always easy. Are we paving our honest debts? Are we being aboveboard in our business decisions? Are we treating other people with respect and honor? Are we being true to our word? Integrity and prosperity are flip sides of the same coin. You can't have one without the other.

God may be reminding you about paying a bill that you've swept under the rug. Maybe it's about getting to work on time consistently: maybe you know you should be more truthful in that business deal. Start making things right. Step up to a higher level of integrity in those areas. God is calling us out of mediocrity and into excellence.

The Bible says if we will be faithful in little things, then God will trust us with more. How can God trust me to do the right thing with millions of dollars, if I won't do the right thing with a hundred bucks? Yet too many people are letting the little things keep them from moving higher.

You may not think it makes any difference when you don't pay your bills on time, or when you tell those “little white lies.” You may think it doesn't make a difference if you treat your friends one way and your family another. But if you don't learn to pass those little tests, then God won't promote you. If you don't learn to do what's right in the little areas, God can't trust you with more. Remember, our lives are an open book before God. He looks at our hearts. He looks at our motives. God sees every time you go the extra mile to do what's right. He also sees the times that you compromise and take the easy way out.

I heard about a guy who left early from work one day to go to his grandmother's funeral. The next morning at work, his boss came up and said, “Do you believe in life after death?”

The employee looked puzzled and finally said, “Well, yes; I do.”

The boss said, “Boy, that makes me feel a whole lot better.”

“Why? What are you talking about?”

The boss said, “Well, yesterday after you left to attend your grandmother's funeral, she stopped by to visit you.”

That is the opposite of integrity! Be open and honest and tell the whole truth. If you want to take your child out of school one day to go to a ball game, don't write the teacher a note the next day and say, “Please excuse little Johnny from school. He just wasn't feeling well.” God can't bless that.

“But Joel, he might get in trouble.”

I would rather get in trouble with men than get in trouble with God. Besides, you never really lose if you take the high road. Learn to listen to your conscience. God put that inside you so you would have an inner rule by which to know right from wrong. When you start to compromise, you will hear that alarm go off in your conscience. Don't ignore it. Do what you know in your heart is the right thing.

Moreover, a person of integrity says what he means and means what he says. People should not have to try to figure out what you really meant. Be straightforward in your statements and conversations. Integrity is more than not telling a lie. A person of integrity will not deceive or mislead in any way. Often it's easy to tell part of the truth while conveniently leaving out something we know might have a negative impact. That is not speaking with integrity. We need to be open and honest even when it's difficult.

Say you are trying to sell your automobile. A man approaches with his checkbook in hand. He's excited; he likes your car; he's ready to sign on the dotted line. But then he looks at you and says, “Let me ask you one last question: Have you ever wrecked this car?”

Like a computer hard drive, your mind whirrs through the possible answers. Although you have never wrecked it, your wife, child, and mother-in-law have all had major accidents in the car. You start to reason it all out, thinking, Well . . . technically, the man asked if I have ever wrecked it . . . so you look at him and smile. “No, I've never wrecked this car.”

If you listen carefully, you will hear a resounding alarm going off in your conscience. And if you are a person of integrity, you will say, “But yes, the car has been wrecked.”

A person of integrity will tell the whole truth. “But Joel,” I hear you protesting. “That's just not the way business is done nowadays. If I tell the man the truth, he may not buy the car. I may lose this sale.”

Yes, you may lose a few sales in the short term, but in the long term, you will fare much better. Even if that person doesn't buy what you are selling, because you responded in integrity, God will make it up to you. He will send somebody along to buy the car for more money. He'll give you a promotion at work. He'll help you get a better deal on that new car you're trying to buy. Friend, God is in charge of the whole universe. If you will honor Him by walking in integrity, He will make sure that you are blessed in abundance. Scripture says, “God holds victory for the upright and He guards those who walk in integrity” If you want God to guard you, if you want God to bring victory into your life, you must make a decision that you are going to be a person of integrity.

A businessman worried, “If I told the whole truth, I'd lose some of my best customers. I may lose some of my biggest clients.”

“No,” I said. “If you will consistently do what is right, even if you do lose some customers, God will bring you bigger and better clients. There's no limit to what God will do in your life when He knows that He can trust you.

“I know people at my workplace, and they lie, they cheat, they stab people in the back,” said a young woman working for a stock brokerage. It's not hurting them one bit. In fact, they're getting way ahead of me.”

“Don't be deceived,” I replied. “One day that is going to catch up with them. I promise you this: If you'll make a commitment to integrity, in the long run you'll go further, you'll be happier, you'll be more fulfilled. God will promote you. He holds victory in store for you when you walk uprightly. When you refuse to compromise, He is guarding your path. If you just sink down to their level and do what everybody else is doing, stabbing people in the back, cutting corners here and there, you may think you re gaining, but in the end you'll be the one to suffer. In the end you'll be the one to lose out.”

Commit to Excellence

I heard a story about a wealthy man whose friend was a builder. This builder was down on his luck and hadn't had much work lately, so the wealthy man felt sorry for him and decided to help him out. He gave him a set of plans and a check for $300,000. He said, “I want you to build me a new home. I don't have time to bother with it. I'm turning it all over to you. You make all the decisions. I trust you. If you do a good job, I promise to pay you well.”

This builder was so excited. He could finally start making some money. But he got to thinking, If I cut a few corners here and there, maybe I could pocket some of that $300,000. So he went out and bought the cheapest concrete he could find. He had the cement mixer water it down so it would stretch further. He saved four or five thousand dollars right there. Excited, he went out and found the cheapest lumber he could find. Some of it was bent and warped and crooked. He didn't care. It was going to be hidden behind the walls. Nobody would ever see it. He did the same thing with the plumbing, the electrical work, and so on, cutting corners and saving money. When the house was completed, he had saved nearly $40,000, which he discreetly deposited in his own bank account.

He called his wealthy friend to come take a look at the house. The purchaser was quite impressed. On the surface, the home looked beautiful. He never guessed that the builder had cut corners, compromising the integrity of the whole house.

The builder seas ecstatic as he noted the pleased expression on the owner's face. He couldn't wait to see how much he was going to get paid. After all, he knew the owner was a very generous man.

As the wealthy man walked to the front door, he turned with a twinkle in his eye and said to the builder, “You know; I don't really need this home. I already have a beautiful home. I was just trying to help you out and do you a favor.” He handed the builder the keys, and said, “Here, my friend. This is for you. You've just built yourself a brand-new home.”

That builder nearly passed out. He thought, If I had known it was going to be my own home, I would have built it a whole lot better!

The truth is, whether we realize it or not, we all are building our own homes. We may cut corners here and there, but it's not hurting anybody except ourselves. Those poor decisions will weaken our foundations, causing us all kinds of problems in the future. Everything may look fine on the surface, but what really counts is what's going on within the walls, behind closed doors. What do we do when nobody is watching? Are we watering down our foundations because of a lack of integrity? Are we cheating people here and not paying taxes over there, compromising right and left? What kind of materials are we putting into our own homes?

This builder got into his new house and three months later, he was having foundation problems. Six months after that, cracks appeared in the walls. The plumbing wouldn't work right. It cost him far more than the $40,000 he'd “saved” to fix all those problems. If he had it to do over again, he would do it right the first time.

In the same way, when we compromise to get ahead or sully someone else's reputation so we can be promoted, we may think we're gaining, but in the end it will bring nothing but problems. We'll suffer dire consequences. We have to live in our own homes. I can't build your home; you can t build mine. No, we each have to take responsibility for our own decisions. I don't know what you do behind closed doors. You don't know what I do. But as people of integrity; we should have the same character in private as we do in public. We don't put on our Sunday face in church and then go out and compromise all during the week. It's not enough to talk the talk. We've got to walk the walk.

You may be tempted at work to make a personal long-distance call on your company's phone lines. “Aw, go ahead,” a coworker says. “Everybody does it. Nobody's going to see you. Nobody will know whether it was a business call or not.”

No, a person of excellence and integrity does what is right, even when nobody is watching. People of excellence do what's right because it is right, not because somebody is forcing them to do it. Friend, there are a lot of things you can get away with in life and still be acceptable in society's eyes. You can compromise your personal integrity or that of your company; you can cheat people or be dishonest. You can lie, steal, compromise your morals, and you can cut corners here and there. But the question is: How high do you want to go? How much of God's favor do you want to see? How much do you want God to use you? God cannot promote you or bless you if you are not living in integrity

A few years ago a friend of mine was in the process of changing jobs. He was an executive, and he landed a great position at a new company. He was excited about the new job, but it wasn't scheduled to start for three or four months. When he gave his company notice, they agreed that he should work right up until that new job started.

My friend was a hard worker, diligent and very intelligent. He always gave the job his best. Nevertheless, during that three-month period, while things were winding down at his former place of employment, I expected that he'd sort of kick back and take it easy, maybe go in late, maybe take some time off. After all, he wasn't trying to impress anybody there.

But he did just the opposite. He went in earlier than ever and stayed later. He started new projects; he gave it his best effort. I was really impressed. One day' I was talking to him about it, and I said, “You're working harder than ever. How come?”

He said, “Joel, I was planning on taking it easy till my new job began, but one day I went to work feeling kind of lazy, giving a halfhearted effort, and God spoke to me right down inside. He said, 'Son, if you don't continue to honor this company by giving them your best effort, you're not going to excel at that new position.' When I heard that, I knew I had to give it everything I've got.”

My friend realized who his real Boss is. He was not working for the company or for his supervisor, he was working unto God, not unto men. God is the One keeping the records. He's the One who will reward us. He's the One who can promote you. We shouldn't act nobly simply because somebody is watching us. We should do what's right because God is watching us. Do what's right because you are a person of excellence and integrity

If you've made some mistakes in ethical matters, do the honorable thing and make it right as best you can. If you will be committed to excellence, God will help you to get out of that mess. But He's not going to help you if you won't walk in integrity

My dad was a person of excellence and a man of integrity. When he was in his early twenties, he once bought two suits on credit. But he moved away and never paid them off. Year after year went by, and he'd forgotten all about it. One day he was praying, and God brought that unpaid bill up in his spirit and reminded him about those two suits. Daddy felt so badly; he decided to do his best to make it right. This was some thirty or forty years after the fact, but he called Fort Worth and tried to contact the place where he had bought those suits. It was no longer in business, but that didn't stop Daddy He asked the company next door if they knew the name of the man who had owned the business. They gave him the man's name, but, they said, “he died a number of years ago.” Daddy didn't give up. He dug in the phone book, made call after call trying to track down some of that man's relatives. He finally got in touch with one of the man's sons, and Daddy sent him a check for several thousand dollars, not just for the two suits, but he included interest as well. Why did he do it? Because Daddy was a person of excellence and integrity He honored God by keeping his word.

When you make a commitment to excellence and integrity, God will reward you. When you are committed to doing what's right, you are sowing seeds for God's blessings. You will never go wrong by taking the high mad and doing more than is required.

A few years before my dad went to be with the Lord, we decided that we were going to remodel the platform area at Lakewood Church. At the time, I was working behind the scenes in the television production department. I'm a perfectionist, so I wanted the new set to look the best that it possibly could. We worked several months with the architects and the designers, and after they got it all drawn up, I had a mock-up made of everything. I wanted to see it through the camera before we built anything permanently. We brought up a big sphere and positioned it at the right height where eventually we constructed a large revolving globe. Then we had the designers position the mock-up of the podium, and we brought my dad in and sized it just for him, fine-tuning every detail. When we got it all built, we spent several weeks working on the lighting. Victoria used to ask me, “Joel, why are you spending hours and hours adjusting one little light, maybe just one little slash of color across the curtain?”

“Because I want it to be right,” I'd reply I was committed to doing the best I could do. I was committed to excellence. Little did I realize that one day I would be the one standing on that same platform, behind that same podium. I didn't realize it then, but I was building my own house. Looking back, I'm glad I put forth the extra effort. I'm glad I gave it everything I had.

Have that same commitment to excellence. Start doing what you know in your heart is the better thing. Don't settle for mediocrity. Don't just do what you have to do to get by. Be a person who goes the extra mile. Be a person who does a little bit more than he has to do. Remember, you and I are representing Almighty God. Let's be done with lazy, mediocre, sloppy living, and let's move up to higher levels. If you will live with a commitment to excellence and integrity, happiness will be a natural by-product, because God will reward you far beyond your grandest dreams!