The Fear That Cripples a Relationship

The Fear That Cripples a Relationship

By Dr H. Norman Wright

Doubts and fears about relationships can be dealt with by completing the Couples Relationship Historical Sketch and other inventories discussed in this chapter.

Have you ever seen movies of birds engaging in a courtship dance? They’re fascinating and funny. The awkward fowls fluff up their feathers, prance around, dance toward one another, and then retreat. They do this time after time until the courtship rit­ual is finished. Then they get together.

Some people are like this. They move close to a person, but then retreat. Their relationship pattern is a constant pattern of moving closer, then moving away. There seems to be both a strong desire for a lasting relationship, and at the same time an odd reluctance.

“Ambivalence” is another way to describe this situation. If this characterizes you, you’re familiar with the phrase, “Can’t you ever make up your mind?” The inability to decide is a killer when it comes to relationships. With ambivalence as your guide, what you’re doing is operating on the belief that by not making up your mind—by holding out long enough—you’ll eventually make the right decision.

In reality, however, this is a protective move to keep you from taking a risk. An ambivalent person is looking for a guarantee—a certainty of being right. It’s a battle between the heart and the head. Once again, it is fear that underlies this difficulty.

Fears Both Said and Silent

Many singles experience thoughts and feelings such as the fol­lowing. Have you felt them yourself?

“I don’t think this relationship will be reciprocated. My friend’s needs will be met, but mine won’t.”

“This relationship takes so much work. I’m afraid I can’t bal­ance the needs I have for closeness as well as independence.”

“I’m afraid of opening up any more. Why? The more he knows about me, the greater the possibility of rejection. I can’t handle that.”

“If I stay in this relationship I could be controlled.”

“If she meets my family, she’ll discover what a weird bunch I come from. It will make her wonder about me.

“What if she becomes too dependent on me?”

“I’m not sure a marriage will be worth giving up the freedom I like so much!”’

Being married carries with it both freedoms and limitations. I’ve talked with men and women who have been in and out of one relationship after another for 25 years. They say they want a lasting relationship, and have been close to someone at times, but one or both decide not to make that final dance toward inti­macy. It’s as though they would rather hold on to their freedom of singleness than exchange it for the freedoms of marriage. They are in some ways driven by fear.

For many it’s a commitment conflict rather than not being able to find anyone. It’s good to approach a lifelong relationship with caution, but some seem downright phobic.

Sometimes relationships are characterized by an overwhelming ambivalence On the one hand the person loves the other and can say it. They may say it very freely at the beginning of a relation­ship—but their safeguard to keeping themselves from marriage is in the word “but.” Those whose hesitation forms a pattern, and who live with the fear of commitment, often make such statements as:

“I love you, but we’re so different it would never work.”

“I love you, but I think I need more time.”

“I love you, but I just don’t deserve you.”

“I love you, but I have too many other issues to work out first.”

“I love you, but I need to be alone right now.”

“I love you, but I’m interested in others as well.”

“I love you, but I’m not sure I’m in love with you. Do you understand?”

These lines play over and over inside of hesitant people’s minds. Only infrequently are they expressed to their partners. And even if they are, usually the other one hears the “I love you, not the “but.”

Guide to Assessing Your fears

How can you determine whether you or the person you’re inter­ested in has a high level of fear when it comes to making a com­mitment? Consider the following characteristics, which are in the form of personal questions.

1. Do you or your partner have a history of relationships in which one wants more and the other less?

This could take the form of more time, closeness or commit­ment. As you consider the relationships you’ve been in or cur­rently have, do you want more or less? What about your partner?

Do either of you complain that the other pulls back or with­holds?

Do either of you limit how much is given in order to avoid intimacy’

Do either of you have a pattern of hurting or disappointing partners?

Is one a bit anxious because the other is not giving the secu­rity he or she needs?

Is one pushing the other for more commitment?

On the following scale, indicate where you are in terms of commitment, and also where you think your partner is:

0 25% 50% 75% 100%

(Forget it!) (Yes! I’m all for it!)

Me _______________________________________

My Partner _______________________________________

Sometimes it’s difficult for couples who are out of synch to ever get together. When one moves closer the other may move away. It becomes a dance in which the two are always out of step.

2. Have you ever experienced a significant relationship that came to a halt because you or your partner became too fearful of moving ahead?

If this occurred, do you know if it was a feeling of panic or a steady sense of fear? Who was the person that was rejected? Was this the first time, or a pattern?

3. Have you experienced a relationship in which either you or your partner set limitations of some kind on closeness and intimacy (nonsexual)?

Some people are so structured, so cautious, so compartmentalized, that you’d think they invented boundaries! Their concerns may appear so legitimate that you’re unaware that it’s actually a fear of involvement. It may appear to be caution or simple logistics.

A person may limit his time and availability. He may exclude you from specific areas of his life such as family functions, work, social occasions, certain friends, or even his church. I’ve seen some indi­viduals who attended the same church, but the man made it a point never to be seen there together. He didn’t want them to be known as a couple. There’s a real message in that! A person like this may not want to share other special occasions or even special interests. He or she may even set restrictions on how much money you spend together on outings, or limit gifts to cards. All of these steps seem to have the purpose of maintaining a certain distance in relationships.

If you or your partner tend to do this, don’t guess about the motivation. It’s clear. Excluding and being excluded won’t help a relationship to grow.

4. Do you have a tendency to develop relationships when, down deep, you know they would never work out—that the person just doesn’t have what is needed for a rela­tionship?

Some people do this so they will always end up with an escape clause. Usually the difficulties are there to begin with, but they are overlooked or rationalized. They could be differences involv­ing political views, social status, race, age, levels of Christian commitment, or even Christian vs. non-Christian. It’s an attitude that says. “There is too much of this for it to ever work.”

Differences will be in every relationship; but a pattern of seeking them carries a sign saying. “Watch out!”

5. Do you believe there is that “one and only right per­son” for you out there somewhere, but as you look, the person you actually find is never quite right?

Once again this can be a signal that you seek someone with “too much” of a negative in his or her life. You just haven’t found the ‘right person’ (and probably never will).

6. Do you or your partner have a tendency to seek out those who are unavailable for one reason or another?

It could be they’re unavailable relationally. They’re involved with someone else, but you’re still attracted—as well as safe. There can be no commitment with someone whose heart is really elsewhere.

Some potential partners are geographically unavailable. You meet someone at a resort or on a plane, and when you’re togeth­er it’s great. You write, e-mail, fax and phone each other; but the distance adds to the romance rather than the reality.

There are pros and cons to some long-distance relationships. Some couples have said they put more energy and thought into building the relationship than they would if they were together all the time. And they say they don’t take each other for granted.

But if you marry without several months of spending time together in the same locale, it can be an intense adjustment. Some say that when the relationship stops being long-distance it can even precipitate a crisis.

In some ways it is reminiscent of the adjustments required by those in the armed services when they are deployed for six months to another area. Many marriages experience major adjustments and crises when the serviceman returns to his family. It takes weeks to settle back into a normal routine. So if you’re involved in a long­ distance relationship, be aware of the crisis potential when you eventually find yourselves in the same area.

Working side by side with this person for three months—see­ing them under all kinds of stresses and conditions—will clue you in to reality!

I’ve seen some people who seem purposely to connect with what I call the “permanently unavailable.” It gives them a good basis for commitment to be illusive.

Perhaps you can identify other reasons for someone to avoid commitment. And perhaps this doesn’t apply to you or the other person. But it’s something to consider.

Relationship ‘Historical Sketches

Every relationship is a learning experience. That is. if you let it become one. You can learn not only from each relationship but from the pattern of your relationships. Have you ever completed a Relationship Historical Sketch on yourself? It can be very revealing.

For example. Jim was 35 when he said he wanted to talk about getting married. Actually, he wanted to find out why he wasn’t already married by now. He dated most of the time, but nothing seemed to work out. I suggested that we spend some time creating a history of his dating or relationship patterns, starting with the first person he was involved with and continuing all the way up to the present. This is what Jim’s relational history looked like:

1st date 1st relationship 2nd relationship

Age 17 Ages 18-19 Ages 22-23

Prom (had to go) She broke up with me. Both called it off

3rd relationship 4th relationship 5th relationship

Ages 24-25 Ages 27-29, Ages 30-32

She pursued me, I cared for this woman I could see it

but I lost interest but she left me for wouldn’t work,

another man. so why waste time?

6th relationship 7th relationship 8th relationship

Age 32 Age 33 Age 34

I liked her but she Not sure why Wouldn’t have

traveled too much. I stop­ped calling her. worked out. Values

She was still interested. were too different.

9th relationship 10th relationship Currently
Age 34 Age 35 Age 35

She was talking Not sure why we No one at this time.

marriage after stopped seeing each

a month. other.

After Jim completed this history I asked him to reflect on the chart for the next week and try to determine what the pattern of his relationships is telling him. This is what he said:

“After looking at this I decided I sure didn’t want any woman to see this or she’d be frightened off immediately. Putting this in writing had a totally different impact on me than just thinking about it. It’s so flaky. Or I felt kind of flaky about my relationship life! I realized I was kind of cautious, but maybe I’m picky. The more I read this the more I realized I’ve been burned or hurt by some of my experiences.

“I guess I’m gun-shy and protective. I’m okay about the first four relationships. I invested enough time in them to make an evaluation. But my pattern over the last four years! Regardless of the reasons. I bailed out! You know what I said to myself? Basically, for each one I said, ‘Why invest more time? It will never work.’ But that’s not true. Perhaps I was afraid it would work. I’m the one who’s afraid of what it would mean to com­mit. Maybe I don’t have what it takes. I guess I’m at the place where I’ve got to come to grips with my pattern if I’m ever going to be capable of marriage.”

Jim took the time to look at his life and to make some impor­tant discoveries. This may be a step you’d like to take. It could be you’re already in a serious relationship and wondering if this is the one for you.

It may be time for both of you to complete a Couples Relationship Historical Sketch (CRHS). The CRHS has been adapted from a process used for engaged couples by Dr. Robert F. Stahmann and Dr. William I. Hiebert. It’s designed to discover significant relational events, dates, interactions, conflicts, and growth. It will help you clearly discover how you behave with each other, what each contributes to the relationship, how you affect one another and any patterns you’ve already established.

The following is an example of a CRHS of a couple we’ll call Sandy and Jim.

Sandy, age 26 Met each other 4/94 First date 7/94

Jim, age 24 Served on two Dinner and walk

committees on beach. Talked

for three months. for seven hours

Second date 7/94 Three major conflicts 11/94

(two resolved)

Saw each other four

to six times a week.

11/94 — 6/95 7/95 7/97

Separated. Relationship Sandy gave ultimatum:

Mutually resumed. marriage or let’s go

agreed upon. Exclusive. our separate ways.

Of course the pattern of everyone’s CRHS will be different. Your relational history will be more meaningful if you will take the time to reflect on it by means of the following Relationship Assessment Inventory. The process of answering the questions will help to clarify the development of your relationship, espe­cially if you take the time to discuss your individual responses. The inventory will help you determine where you are in the rela­tionship and what needs to happen before you move ahead.

Take a large sheet of paper and answer and discuss the fol­lowing questions:

1. Where and how did you meet?

2. What was your initial impression of each other?

3. If you were friends before you began dating, how did you make the transition to romance?

4. Describe your first date—where, what, when, who asked who, etc.

5. What was your impression of your partner after your first date?

6. How did you decide you wanted to continue seeing your partner after the first date? Who decided where you went and what you did? Who was the decision-maker at this time? Is it the same now?

7. When did you decide to date one another exclusively? How was the decision made? Was it discussed or did it just happen?

8. What were your initial concerns about the other per­son? What are they now?

9. When was the first conflict? What was it about? How was it resolved? Was this satisfactory to you?

10. When did you first discover something you wanted to change about the other person? How did you approach it? Did you succeed?

11. Have you experienced a separation? If so, describe the reason for it and who initiated it. What did it accom­plish, and what brought you back together?

Up to now, we’ve dealt with the past—your relational histo­ry. The following questions are designed to help you assess the current status of your relationship. On another large sheet of paper answer and discuss the following:

1. Describe how much significant time you spend togeth­er and when you spend it.

2. Describe five behaviors or tasks your partner does that you appreciate.

3. List five personal qualities of your partner that you appreciate.

4. How frequently do you affirm or reinforce each other for the behaviors and qualities described in questions 2 and 3?

5. List four important requests you have for your partner at this time

6. How frequently do you make these requests?

7. What is your partners response?

6. List four important requests your partner has for you at this time.

7. How frequently does he/she make these requests?

8. What is your response?

9. What do you appreciate most about your partner’s style of communication?

10. What frustrates you most about your partner’s commu­nication?

Since this last issue, communication, is so basic to your rela­tionship, expand your assessment of it by completing the follow­ing special communications inventory.

Communication in Your Relationship

Answer each question with one of these responses: Myself My Partner or Neither.

1. Listens when the other person is talking

2. Appears to understand the other when they share

3. Tends to amplify and say too much

4. Tends to condense and say too little

5. Tends to keep feelings to oneself

6. Tends to be critical or to nag

7. Encourages the other

8. Tends to withdraw when confronted

9. Holds in hurts and becomes resentful

10. Lets the other have their say without interrupting

11. Remains silent for long periods of time when the other is angry

12. Fears expressing disagreement if the other becomes angry

13. Expresses appreciation for what is done most of the time

14. Complains that the other person doesn’t understand him/her

15. Can disagree without losing temper

16. Tends to monopolize the conversation

17. Feels free to discuss sexual standards and beliefs with one’s partner

18. Gives compliments and makes nice comments to the other

19. Feels misunderstood by one’s partner

20. Tends to avoid discussions of feelings

21. Avoids discussing specific problem topics or issues

Which of the above would you like to change, and what will you do to accomplish that?

Following are two other inventories that will help you come to terms with your relationship.

Current Level of Satisfaction

To indicate your current level of satisfaction, place an X at the appropriate place on the scale, with 0 indicating no satisfaction. A score of 5 is average, and 10 means super, fantastic—the best! Then go over the statements again using a circle to indicate what you think your partner’s level of satisfaction is at the present time.

1. Our personal involvement with each other, when we see one another

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

2. Our affectionate and romantic interaction

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

3. My trust in my partner

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

4. My partner’s trust in me

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

5. The depth of our communication together

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

6. How well we speak one another’s language

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

7. The way we make decisions

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

8. The way we manage conflict

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

9. Adjustment to one another’s differences

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

10. Our church involvement

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

11. The way we support each other in rough times

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

12. Our spiritual interaction

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

The future of This Relationship

Be sure to discuss each partner’s responses to these important questions.

1. If this relationship were to fail, I would feel ____________

2. If this relationship were to fail, my partner would feel ____

3. My commitment level to staying in this relationship is:

Little or Average Absolute

no commitment commitment commitment

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

4. My partner’s commitment level to staying in this relation­ship

Little or Average Absolute

no commitment commitment commitment

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Hopefully, having answered these questions, you will have a better understanding of your relationship. If your relationship is moving toward marriage, you may want to begin pre-engagement or premarital counseling. Some couples spend eight to 10 hours with a qualified pastor or counselor and complete 60 to 80 hours of homework. That may sound like a big-time investment, and it

is. But why not? Especially if you’re planning to be married for the rest of your life!⁵

Mich~1 S. Broder. The Art of Staying Together (New York: Hyperion. 1993), pp. 25, 26. Adapted.

2. Steven Carter and Julia Sokol, He’s Scared. She’s Scared (New York: Dell Publishers. 1993), pp. 127, 128. Adapted.

3. Ibid., pp. 18-25. Adapted.

4. Robert F. Stahmann and William J. Hiebert, Premarital Counseling (Lexington, Mass.: Lexington Books/D.C. Heath & Co., 1987), pp. 64-70. Adapted.

5. H. Norman Wright, “Marital Assessment Inventory.” Adapted.

Depression

FOLLOWING THE DEATH OF HIS WIFE, A WELL-KNOWN SOUTHERN Baptist preacher named Vance Havner published a diary of his experi­ences as he walked “through the valley of the shadow of death.” Chris­tian experience has three levels, Havner concluded. First there are “mountaintop days” when everything is going well and the world looks bright. But it is unrealistic to expect—as many people do—that we can spend life leaping from one mountain peak to another as if there were plains or valleys in between. “Ordinary days,” therefore, are those when we work at our usual tasks, neither elated nor depressed. Then, thirdly, there are the “dark days” when we trudge heavily through discourage­ment, despair, doubt and confusion. Sometimes these days string out into months or even years before we begin to experience a sense of relief and victory. When they persist, dark days are days of depression.

Depression (or melancholia, as it was once known) has been recog­nized as a common problem for more than 2,000 years. Recently, how­ever, it has come so much into public attention that some are calling our era the “age of melancholy,” in contrast to the “age of anxiety” which followed World War II. Depression is something which everyone experi­ences in some degree and at different times in life. An article in the Jour­nal of the American Medical Association once suggested that more human suffering has resulted from depression than from any other single disease affecting mankind. Depression has been considered as “by far the com­monest psychiatric symptom,” and one which is found both as as tempo­rary condition “in a normal person who has suffered a great personal disappointment” and as “the deep suicidal depression of a psychotic.”

The signs of depression include sadness, apathy and inertia which make it difficult to “get going” or to make decisions; loss of energy and fatigue which often are accompanied by insomnia; pessimism and hopelessness; fear; a negative self-concept often accompanied by self-criticism and feel­ings of guilt, shame, worthlessness and helplessness; a loss of interest in work, sex, and usual activities; a loss of spontaneity; difficulties in concen­tration; an inability to enjoy pleasurable events or activities; and often a loss of appetite. In some cases, known as “masked depression,” the person denies that he or she feels sad, but sad events in one’s life accompanied by some of the above listed symptoms lead the counselor to suspect that depression is present behind a smiling countenance. In many cases the symptoms of depression hide anger which has not been expressed, some­times isn’t recognized and—according to traditional psychiatric theory— is turned inward against oneself.

Depressions can occur at any age (including infancy) and they come in various types. Reactive depression (sometimes called exogenous depres­sion), for example, comes as a reaction to some real or imagined loss or other life trauma. Endogenous depression seems to arise spontaneously from within and usually is found in the elderly. Psychotic depression in­volves intense despair and self-destructive attitudes, often accompanied by hallucinations and loss of contact with reality. Neurotic depression is mixed with high levels of anxiety. Some depressions are chronic—long ­lasting and resistant to treatment. Others are acute—intense but of short duration and often self-correcting. Many professionals would distinguish all of these from discouragement, which is a mild, usually temporary and almost universal mood swing which comes in response to disappointments, failures and losses.

All of this implies that depression is a common but complicated condi­tion, difficult to define, hard to describe with accuracy and not easy to treat.

The Bible and Depression

Depression, per Se, is a clinical term which is not discussed in the Bible. The psalmists, however, cried out in words which implied depression and there are several biblical descriptions which suggest depression.

Consider, for example, Psalms 69, 88, or 102, but notice that these songs of despair are set in a context of hope. In Psalm 43 King David pro­claims both depression and rejoicing when he writes:

Why are you in despair, O my soul?

And why are you disturbed within me?

Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him,

The help of my countenance, and my God.

Elsewhere in the Bible it appears that Job, Moses, Jonah, Peter and the whole nation of Israel experienced depression. Jeremiah the prophet wrote a whole book of lamentations. Elijah saw God’s mighty power at work on Mt. Carmel, but when Jezebel threatened murder, Elijah fled to the wilderness where he plunged into despondency. He wanted to die and might have done so except for the “treatment” that came from an angel sent by God.

Then there was Jesus in Gethsemane, where he was greatly distressed, an observation which is poignantly described in the words of the Ampli­fied Bible: “He began to show grief and distress of mind and was deeply depressed. Then He said to them, My soul is very sad and deeply grieved, so that I am almost dying of sorrow....”

Such examples, accompanied by numerous references to the pain of grieving, show the realism that characterizes the Bible. But this realistic despair is contrasted with a certain hope. Each of the believers who plunged into depression eventually came through and experienced a new and lasting joy. The biblical emphasis is less on human despair than on belief in God and the assurance of abundant life in heaven, if not on earth. Paul’s confident prayer for the Romans will someday be answered for all Christians:

Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

The Causes of Depression

According to one psychologist, “the prevalence of depression in Amer­ica today is staggering. . . . Depression is the common cold of psycho­pathology and has touched the lives of us all, yet it is probably the most dimly understood and most inadequately investigated of all the major forms of psychopathology.” Nevertheless, investigators have identified a number of causes for this common condition—causes which, when un­derstood, can facilitate counseling.

1. Physical-Genetic Causes. Depression often has a physical basis. Lack of sheep and improper diet are among the simplest physical causes. Others, like the effects of drugs, low blood sugar and other chemical mal­functioning, brain tumors, or glandular disorders, are more complicated. Then there is research which has stressed the importance of the hypothala­mus in producing depression.

No matter how good one’s philosophy, no matter how well adjusted one has been, and no matter how ideal the environment may be, when there is a loss of hypothalamic energy, the person is depressed, feels helpless, and has no energy. . . . Only a return of normal neurohormonal energy in the hypothalamus can effect a resolution of the depressive mood.”

Although it is not conclusive, there is some evidence to show that se­vere depression runs in families. This has led to the conclusion that some people innately may be more prone to depression than others,” although it must be emphasized that depression in itself is not inherited like blue eyes and black hair.

2. Background Causes. Do childhood experiences lead to depression in later life? Some evidence would say “yes.” Many years ago, a researcher named Rene Spitz published a study of children who had been separated from their parents and raised in an institution. Deprived of continuing warm human contact with an adult, these children showed apathy, poor health, and sadness—all indicative of depression which could continue into later life. In addition, depression is more likely when parents blatantly or subtly reject their children or when status-seeking families set unrealis­tically high standards which children are unable to meet. When standards are too high, failure becomes inevitable and the person becomes depressed as a reaction to the marked discrepancy between goals and achievements. Such early experiences do not always lead to depression but they increase the likelihood of severe depression in later life.

3. Learned Helplessness. A more recent theory maintains that depres­sion comes when we encounter situations over which we have no control. When we learn that our actions are futile no matter how hard we try, that there is nothing we can do to relieve suffering, reach a goal or bring change, then depression is a common response. It conies when we feel helpless and give up trying. This might explain the prevalence of depres­sion in the grieving person who can do nothing to bring back a loved one, for example, or in the student who is unable to relate to his peers or succeed academically, or in the older person who is powerless to turn back the clock and restore lost physical capacities. When such people are able to control at least a portion of their environment, depression subsides and often disappears.

4. Negative Thinking. It takes almost no effort to slip into a pattern of negative thinking—seeing the dark side of life and overlooking the posi­tive. But negative thinking can lead to depression and when the depressed person continues to think negatively, more intense depression results.

According to psychiatrist Aaron Beck depressed people show negative thinking in three areas. First, they view the world and life experiences negatively. Life is seen as a succession of burdens, obstacles, and defeats in a world which is “going down the drain.” Second, many depressed peo­ple have a negative view of themselves. They feel deficient, inadequate, unworthy and incapable of performing adequately. This in turn can lead to self-blame and self-pity. Third, these people view the future in a nega­tive way. Looking ahead they see continuing hardship, frustration and hopelessness.

Is such negative thinking a cause of depression or is it a result of de­pression? The answer is probably both. Because of past experiences or previous training we begin to think negatively. This leads to depression which, as we have seen, can lead to more negative thinking.

Such negative thinking sometimes can be used to control others. If there are people who think everything is bleak, others try to “back them up.” A comment, “I’m no good,” often is an unconscious way of getting others to say, “Oh, no, you really are a fine person.” Self-condemnation, there­fore, becomes a way of manipulating others to give compliments. But such comments aren’t really satisfying so the negative thinking and depression goes on. And if you keep thinking negatively, you are less likely to be hurt or disappointed if some of your thinking comes true.

5. Life Stress. It is well known that the stresses of life stimulate de­pression, especially when these stresses involve a loss. Loss of an oppor­tunity, a job, status, health, freedom, a contest, possessions or other valued objects can each lead to depression. Then there is the loss of people. Di­vorce, death, or prolonged separations are painful and known to be among the most effective depression-producing events of life.

6. Anger. The oldest, most common, and perhaps most widely ac­cepted explanation of depression is that it involves anger which is turned inward against oneself. Many children are raised in homes and sent to schools where the expression of anger is not tolerated. Some attend churches where anger is condemned as sin. Other people become con­vinced that they shouldn’t even feel angry so they deny hostile feelings when they do arise. A widow, for example, may be angry at her husband who died leaving her to raise the children alone, but such anger seems irrational and is sure to arouse guilt in the person who thinks such thoughts about the dead. As a result, the anger is denied and kept within.

What happens, then, when one is frustrated, resentful and angry? If the anger is denied or pushed out of our minds, it festers “under cover” and eventually “gets us down.” The following diagram illustrates this process.

DESTRUCTIVE ACTION or
HURT —> ANGER —> REVENGE —> PSYCHOSOMATIC SYMPTOMS

(The first (the second (The third

emotion to emotion to emotion and DEPRESSION
be felt.) be felt, thought to (The fourth emotion to,
This hides This hides be felt. This hides, hurt, anger, and

the hurt.) the hurt revengefulness.)
and anger.)

Perhaps most anger begins when we feel hurt, because of a disap­pointment or because of the actions of some other person. Instead of ad­mitting this hurt, people mull over it, ponder what happened, and begin to get angry. The anger then builds and becomes so strong that it hides the hurt. If the anger is not admitted and expressed and dealt with, it then leads to revenge. This involves thoughts of hurting another person— either the one who caused the original hurt, or someone else who is nearby.

Revenge sometimes leads to destructive violent actions, but this can get us into trouble, and violence is not acceptable, especially for a Chris­tian. As a result, some people try to hide their feelings. This takes energy which wears down the body so that the emotions eventually come to the surface in the form of psychosomatic symptoms. Others, consciously or unconsciously, condemn themselves for their attitudes and become de­pressed as a result. This depression may be a form of emotional self-pun­ishment which sometimes even leads to suicide. It is easy to understand why such people feel that they are no good, guilty and unhappy.

Some people use their depression as a subtle and socially acceptable way both to express anger and to get revenge. Psychologist Roger Barrett describes this clearly.

Resentment . . . is the accumulation of unexpressed anger. And, resent­ment . . . is the most destructive emotion in human relationships and in personal well-being. . . . Some depressed clients.., wallow in depression as a means of hurting others, as if the depression itself becomes an in­direct expression of hostility. It’s almost as if they were saying, “I’m de­pressed and there’s nothing you can do about it, but it’s all your fault, and if you don’t give me attention and sympathy, I may get even more de­pressed or do something desperate.” It’s a kind of psychological blackmail.

Suicide attempts (which most often occur in depressed people) not infrequently have this characteristic. There’s a kind of “see what you made me do” or “now you’ll miss me” quality to the notes or communications surrounding the tragedy. They blame others for their bad feelings.

As the diagram shows, depression often hides underlying hurt, anger and resentment which then are often forgotten. It should be emphasized that this explanation does not account for all depression, but undoubtedly it explains some.

7. Guilt. It is not difficult to understand why guilt can lead to depres­sion. When a person feels that he or she has failed or has done something wrong, guilt arises and along with it comes self-condemnation, frustra­tion, hopelessness and other symptoms of depression. Guilt and depression so often occur together that it is difficult to determine which comes first. Perhaps in most cases guilt comes before depression but at times depres­sion will cause people to feel guilty (because they seem unable to “snap out” of the despair). In either case a vicious cycle is set in motion (guilt causes depression which causes more guilt, and soon).

The Effects of Depression

No one really enjoys having problems, but problems sometimes can serve a useful purpose. When we are physically sick, for example, we are excused from work, people shower us with attention or sympathy, others make decisions for us, or take over our responsibilities, and sometimes we can enjoy a period of leisure and relaxation. The same is true when we are emotionally down or distraught. Neurotic behavior, including depres­sion, may not be pleasant, but it does help us to avoid responsibilities, save face, attract attention, and have an excuse for inactivity. Eventually, how­ever, emotionally hurting people realize that the benefits of depression are not really satisfying. Such people begin to hate what they are doing and, in time, they often end up hating themselves. This, as we have seen, creates more depression.

Depression leads to any or all of the following effects. In general, the deeper the depression the more intense the effects.

1. Unhappiness and Inefficiency. Depressed people often feel “blue,” hopeless, self-critical and miserable. As a result they lack enthusiasm, are indecisive, and sometimes have little energy for doing even simple things (like getting out of bed in the morning). Life thus is characterized by in­efficiency, underachievement and an increased dependence on others.

2. Masked Reactions. In some people, the depression is hidden even from themselves, but it comes out in other ways including physical symp­toms and complaints (hypochondriasis); aggressive actions and angry temper outbursts; impulsive behavior, including gambling, drinking, vio­lence, destructiveness or impulsive sex; accident proneness; compulsive work; and sexual problems, to name the most common. These symptoms of “masked depression” occur in children and adolescents as well as in adults. The person is smiling on the outside but hurting on the inside and expressing this hurt in ways which hide the real inner despair.

3. Withdrawal. When a person is discouraged, unmotivated, bored with life and lacking in self-confidence, there is often a desire to get away from others (since social contacts may be too demanding), to daydream, and to escape into a world of television, novels, alcohol or drug use. Some people dream of running away or finding a simpler job and a few even do this.

4. Suicide. Surely there is no more complete way to escape than to take one’s own life. Suicide and suicide attempts are especially prevalent in teenagers, people who live alone, the unmarried (especially the divorced), and persons who are depressed. Of course, not all depressed people at­tempt suicide but many do, often in a sincere attempt to kill themselves and escape life. For others, suicide attempts are an unconscious cry for help, an opportunity for revenge, or a manipulative gesture designed to influence some person who is close emotionally. While some suicide at­tempts are blatantly clear (as when a man leaves a note and shoots him­self), others are more subtle and are made to look like accidents. While some people carefully plan their self-destructive act, others drive reck­lessly, drink excessively, or find other ways to flirt with death.

All of this illustrates the pervasive and potentially destructive influence of depression. It is certain to appear repeatedly in the experience of every Christian counselor, and it is not the easiest condition to counsel success­fully.

Counseling and Depression

Depressed people are often passive, nonverbal, poorly motivated, pes­simistic and characterized by a resigned “what’s the use?” attitude. The counselor, therefore, must reach out verbally, taking a more active role than be or she might take with most other counselees. Optimistic reassur­ing statements (but not gushiness), sharing of facts about how depres­sion affects people, patiently encouraging counselees to talk (but not pushing them to talk), asking questions, giving periodic compliments and gently sharing Scripture (without preaching) can all be helpful. Confron­tation, probing questions, demands for action, and nondirective ap­proaches should all be avoided, especially in the beginning, since these techniques often increase anxiety and this creates more discouragement and pessimism.

It does not follow, of course, that the counselor talks and does not listen. As the counselee becomes more comfortable and begins to talk, the coun­selor should listen attentively. Watch for evidences of anger, hurt, nega­tive thinking, poor self-esteem, and guilt—all of which might be discussed later. Encourage the counselee to talk about those life situations that are bothersome. Avoid “taking sides,” but try to be understanding and ac­cepting of feelings. Watch, especially, for talk about losses, failures, re­jection, and other incidents which may have stimulated the current depression.

As this occurs, counselors should be aware of their own feelings. Are you impatient with this negative counselee? Are you inclined to let your mind wander or to be pulled into depressed negative thinking yourself? Awareness of these dangers often can keep the counselor from losing in­terest. Depressed people provide a demanding test for our counseling skills and the counselor must see this kind of counselee as one whose prob­lems demand special effort and attention.

In counseling the depressed, be aware of their special need to be de­pendent. Ask yourself, “Am I encouraging dependence in an already de­pressed dependent person, so that I can build my own feelings of power or importance?” “Am I encouraging anger or negative thinking?” “Am I making so many demands that the counselee feels devastated and thus needs to cling?” Unaware of these tendencies, counselors sometimes in­crease the depression inadvertently instead of contributing to its relief.

Counseling the depressed can take different directions, many of which you may want to use with each counselee.

1. Medical Approaches. Psychiatrists and other medical doctors often use antidepressant drugs to help change the counselee’s mood and make him or her more amenable to therapy. More controversial is the use of electroconvulsive (shock treatment) therapy in which a pulse of electrical energy is passed through the brain. This leads to convulsions, and a period of confusion, followed by a brightening of mood. Although widely criti­cized, this remains a popular form of treatment for the severely depressed, the actively suicidal, and those people who, for medical reasons, cannot take drugs. All of this helps with symptom relief but such techniques are only temporary if they are not followed or accompanied by counseling which deals with the sources of the depression.

Nonmedical counselors may want to contact a psychiatrist or other physician who could prescribe drugs for the temporary relief of a de­pressed counselee. Also, if a counselee has physical symptoms, referral to a psychologically astute physician is extremely important. The non medical counselor is not qualified to decide whether or not a counselee’s physical symptoms are psychologically induced, and neither should the nonphysician make evaluations about whether or not the depression itself has physical causes.

2. Evaluating Causes. Counseling is always easier if we can find the psychological and spiritual causes which produce the symptoms. Prior to the counseling session, or shortly thereafter, review the causes of de­pression listed earlier in this chapter and then try to discover—through questioning and careful listening—what might be producing the depres­sion.

Is there low self-esteem with which you could help the counselee (see chapter 24)? If so, counseling may involve identifying, discussing, evalu­ating and challenging ideas and attitudes which counselees have learned about themselves and about the world in early childhood.

Is there learned helplessness? If so, you can help counselees learn how to accomplish things—beginning with small tasks and moving on to the more difficult. You can discuss the inevitability of uncontrollable events, and can help counselees to see that God is always in control, even when we are not.

Is there negative thinking? Ask the counselee to state some of these thoughts. Then ask, “Is this a valid conclusion? Could there be another way of viewing the situation? Are you telling yourself things about the world, yourself, and the future, which really are not so?” All of this is designed to challenge the counselee’s thinking and to teach him or her a habit of evaluating negative ideas and learning to think more positively. The truth of Philippians 4:8 must become the theme of both counselee and counselor: “whatever is true ... honorable . . . right . . . pure . . . lovely . . . of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything is worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things.”

Is there stress, especially that which concerns a loss? Encourage the counselee to share his or her feelings about this and discuss the practical details of how life can go on.

Is there revenge covering anger; anger covering hurt? If so, these emo­tions must be discussed and expressed—even if they seem irrational. Hurt can be deeply embedded and sometimes is uncovered only after consid­erable probing and a lot of careful listening. Perhaps you will want to draw the diagram presented a few pages back to show how hurt can lead so easily to depression.

Is there guilt? What is its cause? Has the counselee confessed the prob­lem to God and perhaps to others? Does he or she know about divine for­giveness? What about forgiving oneself? (See chapter 9.)

In discussing these issues, the counselee often gains insight into the problem. At other times the counselor may, in a tentative way, want to give some of his or her own insights and observations. If there is time to discuss these and to get the counselee’s reactions, this can contribute to a better understanding of the problem and of the depression-producing influences in the counselee’s life and thinking. Such understanding often leads to change and improvement.

3. Stimulate Realistic Thinking. Most people do not “snap out” of depression. The road to recovery is long, difficult, and marked by mood fluctuations which come with special intensity when there are disappoint­ments, failures or separations.

At such times, counselees should be encouraged to ponder their “auto­matic thoughts.” When problems or disappointments come, what does the counselee think? Often he or she thinks “this is terrible,” “this proves I’m no good,” “nobody wants me now” or “I never do anything right.” These are self-criticisms which most often are not based on solid fact. If a per­son fails, for example, it does not follow that he or she is “no good” or unwanted. Failure means, instead, that we are not perfect (nobody is), that we have made a mistake and should try to act differently in the future. Effective counseling must encourage counselees to reevaluate depression-producing thoughts and attitudes toward life.

Writing in a popular magazine, one writer suggested that her depres­sion came from an attitude which said, “I should be a perfect hostess, parent, wife, and friend. I should not fail. I should contribute to the com­munity by serving on committees and making contributions to everyone who asks.” This lady had set up high expectations which were impossible to reach. When she failed, she became depressed.

A similar attitude permeates Christianity. We convince ourselves that we must always be spiritually alive and enthusiastic but never angry or discouraged. As a result of these expectations we can be crushed when failure comes, as it does inevitably.

Counselees must be helped to accept human frailty. “We all need to make a list of our priorities and then figure out how much we can do without becoming angry, frustrated, exhausted or sorry for ourselves” when we fail.

The counselor tries to help counselees evaluate attitudes, expectations, values and assumptions. We should help ourselves to see which of these ideas are unrealistic, nonbiblical and harmful. Since such thoughts are often well entrenched, sometimes resulting from a lifetime of thinking, it may take repeated efforts to help people reevaluate and change their atti­tudes toward life and themselves. When people are depressed they want to feel better. But feelings by themselves are difficult, if not impos­sible to change. Telling a person “You shouldn’t feel depressed,” does nothing to relieve the depression and often adds guilt since most of us cannot change our feelings at will.

To change feelings we must change thinking (this we discussed in the previous section) and/or we must change actions. Inaction is common in depressed people, who find it easy to stay in bed or to sit alone brood­ing and thinking about the miseries of life. But this doesn’t help with the depression. Gently, but firmly, therefore, depressed people must be pushed to take actions—to get involved in daily routines, family activities and recreation. Start by encouraging activities in which the counselee is likely to succeed. This increases optimism and interrupts the tendency to rumi­nate on negative ideas. When the counselee does take action, do not be reluctant to give encouragement and compliments.

4. Change the Environment. Counselors cannot do much to change the depression-producing circumstances in a person’s life, but it is possible to encourage counselees to modify routines, reduce work loads, or take periodic vacations. Family members can also be urged to accept the counselee, to stimulate realistic thinking, to challenge negative thinking, to encourage action in place of inactivity, and to include the depressed person in family activities. When the family is accepting, interested, and involved, counselees improve more quickly. Counselors can stimulate this supportive environment.

5. Protect the Counselee from Self-harm. People can harm themselves in many ways—by changing jobs, for example, by quitting school or by making unwise marriage decisions. The counselor must be alert to a tend­ency for people to make major long-lasting decisions when they are in the grip of depression. Helping counselees decide if they “really want to do” what they are proposing, helping them to see the possible consequences of the decision, and urging them to “wait a while,” can all prevent actions which could be harmful.

Suicide is one action which is contemplated by many depressed people. Since most of these people give prior clues about their intentions, the counselor should be alert to indications that suicide is being considered. Be alert, for example, to any of the following:

—talk of suicide,

—evidence of a “thought-out” plan of action for actually killing oneself,

—feelings of hopelessness and/or meaninglessness,

—indications of guilt and worthlessness,

—recent environmental stresses (such as job loss, divorce, or death in the family),

—an inability to cope with stress,

—excessive concern about physical illness,

—preoccupation with insomnia,

—evidence of depression, disorientation, and/or defiance,

—a tendency to be dependent and dissatisfied at the same time,

—a sudden and unexplainable shift to a happy, cheerful mood (which often means that the decision to attempt suicide has been made),

—knowledge regarding the most effective methods of suicide (shooting, drugs, and carbon monoxide work best; wrist slashing is least suc­cessful), and

—history of prior suicide attempts. (Those who have tried before, often try suicide again.)

Counselors should not hesitate to ask whether or not the counselee has been thinking of suicide. Such questioning gets the issue into the open and lets the counselee consider it rationally. Rather than encouraging suicide (as is commonly assumed), open discussion often reduces its like­lihood.

Periodically, most counselors are involved in potential suicide situa­tions. At such times, take the threat seriously, be supportive and under­standing, and try to be available at least by telephone. At times you may need to take direct and decisive action, like taking the person to the psy­chiatric ward of a hospital, contacting the family doctor or contacting relatives. If someone calls to report that he or she has taken a drug over­dose, or is about to commit suicide, find out the person’s location and then call the paramedic rescue squad. Police departments, suicide “hot line” counselors, psychiatric hospital units, and emergency wards are all listed in the phone book and usually are prepared to deal with suicide emergencies. If a drug has already been taken or if other physical self-harm has occurred, such medical intervention is essential.

In all of this, expect failure. If a person is really determined to commit suicide the counselor may delay his or her action but there is little that can be done to prevent suicide. Sometimes there is value in sharing this fact with counselees. Even the most dedicated helper cannot take respon­sibility to prevent suicide forever. It is well to remember this when a sui­cide does occur. Otherwise the counselor may wallow in guilt because he or she was unable to prevent the counselee’s death.

Preventing Depression

Can depression be prevented? The answer probably is “no, not com­pletely.” We all experience disappointments, losses, rejections and failures which lead to periods of discouragement and unhappiness. For some peo­ple, these periods are rare and brief. For others, the depression is more prevalent and long-lasting. It may not be possible or even desirable to prevent times of discouragement, but long-lasting depressions are pre­ventable. There are several ways in which this can be done.

1. Trust in God. Writing from prison, the Apostle Paul once stated that he had learned to be content in all circumstances. Knowing that God gives us strength and can supply all of our needs, Paul had learned how to live joyfully, both in poverty and in prosperity. Through his experi­ences, and undoubtedly through a study of the Scriptures, Paul had learned to trust in God and this helped to prevent depression. As in the time of Paul, a conviction that God is alive and in control can give hope and en­couragement today, even when we are inclined to be discouraged and without hope. If modern people can learn this lesson, and if church leaders and Christian counselors can teach it, then discouragements need not hit as hard as they might hit otherwise.

2. Expect Discouragement. The second verse of a famous hymn pro­claims that “we should never be discouraged” if we take things to the Lord in prayer. This is a popular view for which there is no scriptural support. Jesus warned that we would have problems and the Apostle James wrote that trials and temptations would come to test our faith and teach us pa­tience. It is unrealistic to smile and laugh in such circumstances, pretend­ing that we’re never going to be discouraged.

Consider our Lord at the time of the crucifixion. He was “deeply dis­tressed” and openly acknowledged his agony. One can hardly imagine him smiling in Gethsemane or on the cross, trying to convince everyone that he was rejoicing and “bubbling over” with happiness. Jesus trusted in his Father, but he expected pain and wasn’t surprised when it came.

When we are realistic enough to expect pain and informed enough to know that God is always in control, then we can handle discouragement better and often keep from slipping into deep depression.

3. Learn to Handle Anger and Guilt. Some people slide into depression because their minds dwell on past injustices or past failures. This may sound simplistic, but we must ask God to help us forget the past, to for­give those who have sinned against us, and to forgive ourselves. When people dwell on past events and wallow in anger, guilt, and the misery of discouragement, one wonders if such thinking serves some useful purpose. Churches can teach people to admit their anger or guilt and to show how these can be overcome (see chapters 8 and 9). If people can learn to handle their anger and guilt, much depression can be prevented.

4. Challenge Thinking. If it is true, as some have suggested, that we each silently talk to ourselves all day, then people should be encouraged to notice what is being said. If I decide, for example, that I am incompe­tent, then I need to ask, “What is the evidence for this? In what areas am I incompetent? Is it bad to be incompetent in some things? How can I be­come more competent?” When we learn to challenge our own thinking, and that of others, this can also prevent or reduce the severity of depres­sion.

The Bible also talks about meditation on the Word of God and on things which are good, positive and just. Such meditation directs our minds away from thinking which is negative and inclined to produce depression.

5. Teach Coping Techniques. In somewhat formal language, one writer has compared those who resist depression with those who succumb:

The life histories of those individuals who are particularly resistant to depression, or resilient from depression, may have been filled with mastery; these people may have had extensive experience controlling and manipulating the sources of reinforcement in their lives, and may therefore see the future optimistically. Those people who are particularly sus­ceptible to depression may have had lives relatively devoid of mastery; their lives may have been full of situations in which they were helpless to influence their sources of suffering and relief.

Children and adults can be overprotected. This interferes with their ability to learn how to cope or to master the stresses of life. If people can see how others cope, and learn how to cope themselves, then circumstances seem less overwhelming and depression is less likely.

6. Provide Support. Emile Durkheim, who wrote a classic book on suicide, discovered that religious people were less suicide-prone than those who were nonbelievers. The reason for this, Durkheim believed, was that religion integrated people into groups. Less lonely and isolated, these people are less inclined to get depressed or to attempt suicide. The church, and other social institutions, can become therapeutic communi­ties where people feel welcome and accepted.

A concerned group of people who have learned to be caring can do much to soften the trauma of crises and provide strength and help in times of need. Aware that they are not alone, people in crises are able to cope better and thus avoid severe depression.

7. Reach Out. Alcoholics Anonymous has demonstrated conclusively that needy people help themselves when they reach out to assist others. This is known as the “helper-therapy” principle. In its simplest form it states: those who help are the ones who benefit and are helped the most. When we reach out to help other people, including depressed people, this does wonders to keep ourselves from being depressed.

Of course, the motive for helping is important. Healing is unlikely if someone concludes selfishly, “I don’t care about others but I’ll help if this is the only way for me to get better.” But when there is a joyful reaching out, everyone is helped and depression is reduced. The stimulation of a helping community, therefore, is one indirect way to prevent depression.

8. Encourage Physical Fitness. Since poor diet and lack of exercise can make people depression-prone, people should always be encouraged— by word and by example—to take care of their bodies. A healthy body is less susceptible to mental as well as physical illness.

Conclusions about Depression

Vance Havner, the preacher who was mentioned in the first paragraph of this chapter, once hoped that his dying wife would be healed through some miracle. But she died and Havner was plunged into grief. Although he did not understand why this happened, he concluded that God makes no mistakes.

Whoever thinks he has the ways of God conveniently tabulated, analyzed, and correlated with convenient, glib answers to ease every question from aching hearts has not been far in this maze of mystery we call life and death... . He has no stereotyped way of doing what He does. He delivered Peter from prison but left John the Baptist in a dungeon to die... . At this writing I never knew less how to explain the ways of Providence but I never had more confidence in my God. . . . I accept whatever He does, however He does it.

This man was deeply saddened when his wife died, but probably he never became depressed. He had a realistic perspective on life and death. This is a perspective which can help both counselors and counselees to deal effectively with the problem of depression.