— C. S. LEWIS
IT WAS A DÉJÀ VU MOMENT. I had a new partner in a venture that I was really excited about. He was well regarded for his accomplishments in business, leadership, and philanthropic causes. I was impressed with his business background, as he had bought and sold a company a few years before for more than half a billion dollars, making a huge profit in the process. He was smart, creative, and capable. I looked forward to learning much from seeing these attributes in action.
I noticed that this man was very principled in the process of buying into the partnership. I was impressed with his thoroughness. Three people told me that he had called them to check me out, since he and I had never known each other. I remember thinking that if everyone took such care before joining another person in a significant relationship, there would be fewer problems in life.
The déjà vu moment came when he requested a meeting as a result of a problem we discovered shortly after he joined the partnership. Our accountant found a debt owed by the partnership that had not been disclosed in the purchase (a credit to another company). Since this kind of accounting event is not unusual, I didn’t give it much thought. I assumed the meeting was just to resolve the issue of who owed whom and work out the numbers — business as usual.
As we sat down I could tell that my new partner was not happy. He was not overtly angry or raging or anything like that, but you could tell that this was not going to be a cheerful meeting.
“Let me tell you why I wanted to get all of you together,” he began by saying. “I do not mind problems. Business is about solving problems, and I do not get upset about them. That is all a part of doing deals. But, I hate surprises. This new information was not disclosed to me in the purchase process, and now it comes out. If I had known of it earlier, it would not have mattered. It is just a problem to be solved. What I have a problem with is that now I am surprised by something I should have been told earlier. I do not want surprises,” he said.
This was interesting for me to experience. First of all, I understood how my partner felt. I would have felt the same way. Second, I did not foresee tension over this late disclosure because I could tell that he was reasonable enough to understand that the debt was a surprise to me as well. In no way had I concealed anything from him.
I was having a bigger experience, though. I absolutely loved how he handled the situation. The thought went through my mind, This is what successful people do. This is how they operate. I thought at that moment of several other déjà vu people who worked in the very same way.
We’ve looked at ways successful people focus on their internal drive; tolerate no negative energy; make decisions in the present depending upon how they affect the future; take responsibility and take action; and make progress one step at a time. Now we look at the sixth of the Nine Things: the ability to hate well.
WHY WE HATE
One evening as I was doing a seminar I asked people in the audience to list what comes to mind when they thought of the word hate. The response I got was a list of bad things:
• You should not feel it.
• I do it too easily.
• I feel guilty for feeling it.
• It comes from fear.
• I feel uncomfortable with hate.
• I am afraid to show it.
Such answers were pretty much what I expected, and they are probably typical of those most of us have when we think of hate. Principle Six’s concept of hating well seems like an oxymoron to most of us. We try to get over hatred because we have all seen the destruction that it causes. We usually think of hate as a problem to be solved.
In reality, though, hate is one of the most important aspects of being human. It is one of the most crucial ingredients of a good person’s character. What we hate says a lot about who we are, what we value, what we care about. And how we hate says much about how we will succeed in love and life.
What We Hate Defines Us
First, let’s consider why we say that what we hate is important. Basically, we are defined in part by what we love and what we hate. What we love says what we will invest in, go for, move towards, give time and resources to, and orient ourselves toward with the best parts of who we are. You can tell a lot about people by what they love. You think differently, for example, about someone who “loves his family” as opposed to someone who “loves to win at all costs.” What he loves gives you a window into his soul, and you know what to expect from him.
Likewise, we can know a lot about people by what they hate. A person who hates hard work, for example, causes you to wonder. Or one who hates weakness would likely cause you to keep up your guard. Hate gives us a window into people’s makeup in the same way that love does.
What would you think, for example, about a person who said that he hates the following things: arrogance, lying, innocent people being hurt, harmful schemes, evil practices, telling lies about others, and things that stir up dissension among people?
If a person said that he hated those things, and his life demonstrated the truth of his claims, wouldn’t you be inclined to like that person? Even trust him? Wouldn’t it be easy to depend on such a person?
You could depend on people who hate the items on the above list because they would endeavor to be the opposite of all of those things in their dealings with you. They would stand up against those evils to protect you if others tried to inflict them on you. Such a person would make a good friend. A passage in Proverbs (6:16—19) uses these same objects of hatred to describe God himself. We get comfort in knowing that he hates the things on that list because we realize that he is loving, and also that he will stand against those things when they threaten us. When we hear what someone hates, it tells us a lot about who he or she is.
That is why I loved that moment with my new partner. When he said that he hates surprises, I learned a lot about him. 1 learned that he liked to deal with things in the open. I also learned that he would take active steps to put an end to the things he hates when they present themselves. My trust in him grew at that moment. I knew that when dealing with him I was always likely to get the whole picture because that is what he values. He hates anything less.
We are created with what psychologists call valences toward different things. That means we have emotional and attitudinal stances towards certain issues in life. As Webster puts it, a valence is “the degree of attractiveness an individual, activity, or object possesses as a behavioral goal.” Hatred is a negative valence. The things we hate are those that are least attractive to us. That is why I trusted my partner. I found that he is not attracted to less than total disclosure and honesty. He would likely move away from deceit and shun being a part of it.
That is how our hates form who we are, at least in part. Our character is in some ways formed through a process of what we move against, or as psychologists put it, what we differentiate ourselves from. For example, if we hate duplicity, then we want to be different from duplicity. So we move toward being the opposite, which is a move toward being open and honest. Thus:
Character is in part formed by what we hate, because we move to be different from whatever that is
OUR HATRED PROTECTS THE GOOD
So the first thing that hate does for us is to help us move against certain traits and issues, thus becoming different from them. Think of it as being like the energy that pushes a boat away from a dock. We use the energy of hate to move against that trait so that we are not docked to it. We push away from attaching ourselves to that thing we hate. That gives us a real separateness from that thing, so that we do not drag it with us across the sea. In that way we eliminate the danger of having it become a part of us, as we do not allow ourselves to become attached to it. Our hatred of it serves as a protective force.
You could see that protective force working in my business partner. He was in little danger of becoming a duplicitous person because he was diligently engaged in pushing away from surprises and secrecy. He was heading in a different direction, one of openness and light. Without a similar hatred of such things, many people are vulnerable to either being overcome by them or actually taking on those attributes for themselves.
The second way hate benefits us is that it causes us to protect what we value. We hate it when things we love are threatened, so we move to protect them. In that way, hate is a protective emotion, urging us to stand for good things. My friend was taking a stand for operating openly in the light. He was protecting what he loved— honesty and disclosure.
The third way that hate is a good thing is the flip side of protection. Hate moves to destroy bad things, which are often the things that threaten the good. The hate of evil protects the good not only by shielding it but also by cleansing the world of the bad things that move against it. When we hate the evil around us, we move to get rid of it as an act of love. As the apostle Paul wrote, “Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good” (Romans 12:9).
Hate is part of the immune system of your soul. Your physical immune system is an amazing part of your body’s makeup. Think of what it does. When a bacteria or virus invades your body, your immune system identifies it as harmful and moves against it immediately. It confronts the invader and puts up a marker to identify it and describe what it is like. Your immune system has a cell that tells the rest of your cells, “This is a bad bug. Kill it!” The evil cell is immediately surrounded, giving protection to good cells. Enemy neutralized. Crisis prevented.
That is what hate does. In the same way that your immune system hates infection, the hate within your character identifies things in your life as evil. My friend had an active immune response to bad business dealings. He immediately moved against them, destroyed the threat, and protected the good things in the business relationship. That is exactly what hate is supposed to do.
HOW WE HATE
What we hate is important in defining who we are and what we stand for and against. But another important aspect of hate is how we hate. Déjà vu people hate in a certain way. They can be depended on to hate in a way that solves problems as opposed to creating them. That was one of the aspects that I loved about my partner. He did not storm into the meeting enraged and yelling about the issue. He did not put anyone down or say anything hurtful. He went after the issue in a constructive fashion and solved a problem in the process. That is one of the things that made me trust him more, as well as one that reminded me of other successful déjà vu people I had seen do the same thing.
HATING UNWISELY
Some of the worst diseases are of the class called autoimmune. Within that classification are diseases in which the immune system starts attacking the body itself instead of the disease. The healthy cells and organs are attacked, and health is destroyed in the process. A system designed to protect the good and destroy the bad goes wrong and begins to do the opposite. It causes more harm than good.
The same thing happens when a person does not hate well. He uses his hatred in a way that hurts things he cares about, such as people, a home, or even himself. It can be an ugly autoimmune disease of the soul and life. That is why I said earlier that the “how” of hate is as important as the “what.” Successful people tend to hate in a certain way, and that way does what a good immune system is supposed to do: it preserves life. Non-successful people often fail because their hatred is not serving them or the things that they care about. Instead, it is doing the opposite—attacking and destroying the very things that they care about.
Jodi found herself attracted to Tony right from the moment they met. He was spontaneous and creative. His ability to make her laugh seemed to set her free in ways that she had never known. She loved so much about him. As their relationship grew, it was as if she had found new air to breathe.
Soon after they were married, however, a pattern emerged. His creativity and spontaneity began to lose some of its luster as she experienced the other side of it, which was a lack of organization and structure. He was, for the most part, responsible and a hard worker. But he was not very organized about it and did not have a high need for things to be orderly. This sometimes showed up in the way he kept the finances and his schedule, and at times things slipped through the cracks.
When those slips affected Jodi, the relationship would not go well. Instead of seeing his lack of organization as a problem to be talked through and solved, she would get very angry. At times, she would erupt and call him names, saying he was irresponsible and a loser. Her value of his humor and spontaneity began to diminish, and her disdain for him began spreading over the landscape of their relationship. She began to get more and more negative. Her hatred of his disorganization was becoming an autoimmune response.
The more she criticized him, the more he withdrew and resisted her. Occasionally he would get angry and react, but for the most part he just wanted to stay away from her, finding things to do late at the office, spending more time on the computer instead of interacting with her when he was home.
They were locked in a cycle. She overreacted to his not being all that she wanted him to be and came at him with anger and judgment. He detached from her and passively resisted doing things that she wanted him to do, thus making the cycle worse. That is when they finally came in for counseling.
When I asked what brought them in, Tony began. “I have let her down a lot,” he said. “I sometimes don’t do all the things around the house that I should be doing, and I disappoint her in other ways too. I realize that. So, I guess I need to understand how I can do better.”
“Is that the way that you would describe the problem?” I asked Jodi.
“Sort of. But I think to call it ‘disappoint’ is kind of a lame copout,” she said.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“It’s worse than ‘disappoint,’” she explained. “He totally drops the ball, and our life is a joke. I can’t depend on him for anything.”
I felt my spirit sink. I had no idea as to the extent of Tony’s lack of performance. But I did know contempt when I saw it, and no matter what he was doing, I knew that her disdain was going to be a big issue before they could get better. It was not so much in the actual words she said; it was in the expressions and tone in which the disdain came across. It was poisonous and ugly. I felt that she was the last person in the world anyone would want to do something nice for, and I had to fight myself to keep from immediately siding with Tony.
“Sounds like you have some strong views about him,” I said. I could not muster saying the word feelings because she was not sharing feelings. She was way past them. Hers was a view, a stance, an attitude: of contempt. I had to see what that was about.
“Well, anyone would have strong views,” she replied. “How would you feel if you went to a department store, tried to use your credit card, and found that it was at the limit because he forgot to pay the bill? How would you feel if you were always having to nag someone to get him to do the things he promised to do?”
“That would be frustrating and sad,” I said. “But it seems that you feel more than frustration or sadness. Tell me about how you experience it.”
“I hate it,” she said. “I hate it. I can’t stand to live this way. It is like he goes out of his way to make our life more complicated and hurt me. I don’t understand how he can know what bothers me and still do it over and over. It is clear that he doesn’t care what bothers me. I hate it and I can’t stand it anymore. Is that clear enough for you?” She looked at me with disdain similar to that which I had seen directed at him.
“Very clear,” I said.
I did not explain to Jodi exactly what I meant by “very clear.” It was clear that she “hated it, and could not stand it anymore.” I understood that. What was also clear, however, was the way that she hated it, and how it was so unlike the way that my déjà vu friends hated. The way that she hated his lack of performance was more problematic than his failures. She was having an autoimmune response. Instead of aiming her hatred at things worthy of hate (which his issues were not, as she had greatly exaggerated them) and using it to bring about health, her hatred was attacking and destroying the things that she loved and were good: her husband and her home. She was not doing much to be a redemptive force in dealing with the problems, and instead was causing more pain than she was resolving.
As I probed deeper, I found that her disdain for lack of performance was being communicated to their sons as well. They often suffered the same kind of attitude that she had toward Tony and she never apologized for her reactions because she did not see them as a problem. Although she was poisoning her relationship with her son, she so hated lack of performance that that was all she could see.
She was no easier on her own failures than the failures of others. When she disappointed her own internal standards, there was hell to pay with herself as well. The immune system of her soul was not working. The hate that was meant to take a stand against destructive things was taking a stand against the things most dear to her. Something that was designed to protect good things and destroy bad things was doing the opposite.
Think of my déjà vu friend in comparison. What if he hated surprises in the same way that Jodi hated them? What if he had come into that meeting and expressed disdain for me, the accountant, and the whole partnership? What if he had communicated with the same poisonous tone and judgmental attitude that Jodi had? What if he saw me as globally worthless as she did Tony? Where would we be today? Instead of being close friends and satisfied partners growing into new areas together, we might have found ourselves in the equivalent of a business marriage counselor’s office with our attorneys, not being able to stand the misery anymore and battling out a way to end it.
In one instance hate was used well to solve a problem. In the other it was being used to ruin a marriage and a young family. How does hate become so destructive and get turned against things that ought to be protected? And what can we learn about how successful people hate well?
SUBJECTIVE VERSUS OBJECTIVE HATE
The difference between those who hate well and those who hate destructively lies in the difference between the two kinds of hate: subjective and objective. Subjective hate is like any other state of subjective feelings. It is a pool of feelings and attitudes that resides in our soul, waiting for expression. It is not directed at anything specific or caused on any given day by any specific object. It is already there, sort of like an infection of the soul. It just lives there.
But this subjective hate does not just lie dormant. It jumps out. It expresses itself if given the opportunity, usually when prodded by some incident that reminds the person of some significant hurt in the past.
If you have ever inadvertently cut someone off on the freeway and gotten a hateful, vengeful, or even dangerous response of road rage directed back at you, you understand. The appropriate response of the other driver should have been nothing more than a mild expression of irritation. Think about it. The other person was not hurt. He was not even made late. He did not have to miss getting to his destination. There was, in a real sense, no problem. Yet he responded to you like you deserved death and should be destroyed. Why?
Probably there was something symbolic in the incident that tapped into a pool of subjective hurt and anger that person feels. It aggravated a subjective stance that he has assumed in the world. If at some point in his life he had been hurt by being overpowered, for example, he might hate any situation that makes him feel powerless. Thus he has taken a very aggressive valence in the world to prevent that situation from ever happening again. When you cut him off, you made him realize his powerlessness for one second, and now he wants to run you down. His subjective hatred seeks expression.
Jodi was like that. She had grown up with an undependable set of alcoholic parents who always let her down. Her childhood was very chaotic and their non-performance had caused her great trauma as a developing child trying to make it day to day. She had never really dealt with what are called ACA (adult child of an alcoholic) issues in her life, and as a result those issues just sat there within her in highly subjective states of fear, hurt, and hatred for any kind of letdown by anyone she depended on. So minor disappointments by a husband or son evoked a torrent of road rage from her.
Unresolved hatred can cause all kinds of wrecks and destruction. Like autoimmune disease, it can be turned within and produce addictions, depression, anxiety, illness and disease, paranoia, lack of trust, confusion, inability to reach goals, and a host of other destructive results. Turned outward, it can destroy relationships and careers.
At other times, though, subjective hatred is not just about unresolved hurt from the past. Sometimes it is produced from a character problem in which a person’s pride, or desire to control or dominate, produces strong feelings of hatred when thwarted. While many of these people do have unresolved hurt, they also have some significant character issues that should be addressed.
Subjective hatred blasts other people, causes overreactions, dissensions, inability to resolve conflict, broken relationships, and many other relational diseases. It has a life of its own, and it runs counter to the goals of those who carry it around. As a result, they cannot succeed in love or life because the subjective hatred is working against their best efforts to make good things happen. What is the answer?
TURNING SUBJECTIVE TO OBJECTIVE
The answer is to make the subjective hatred objective. Transform it to the kind of hate that solves problems, protects things that you value, and stands against the things that you do not want in your life.
To do this requires finding the real objects of the hate, making them specific, and using objective measures to enforce them productively, getting the rage out of the equation. This is what successful déjà vu people do. They can tell you specifically what they stand against, why they stand against it, and what they propose to do to solve the problem when those things occur. And they do it not with a hateful attitude but with one that is respectful, kind, yet firm.
Déjà vu people also add other objective measures to the process as well. Instead of walking around with subjective feelings of resentment and hatred, they pick an objective time and place to deal with the problem. They take it to the specific person with whom the issue is rather than dumping it on an unsuspecting driver in the lane next to them. They are very objective and specific about what the problem is, and the words that they use to address it reflect that same kind of objectivity in honing in on a solution.
Whereas Jodi would subjectively blow up virtually anytime and anywhere, a déjà vu person would choose the best time and place as well as a better procedure to solve the problem. Whereas Jodi might communicate emotionally charged, unsolvable accusations like, You’re always irresponsible and untrustworthy a déjà vu person would address the issue in exact terms, in a calmer tone, and present it as being solvable—something like, We have a problem. Tony’s failures were not as much of a pattern as she described and were not worthy of the judgment that she dished out. But they were a problem, and a good immune response was called for. There was just no need for all the inflammation. A déjà vu person might say, “Yesterday, when I tried to use the credit card, it was over the limit because you did not pay the bill. This happened once before too. I don’t like being caught off guard like that. Let’s talk about how we can make sure that this does not happen again. I want us to solve this.”
Subjective hate is global instead of specific. It usually comes down hard on the offender and does not separate the person from the offense. It launches bombs and hurts and destroys the individual as much as it deals with the issue. Objective hate takes a stand against the problem issue, but it also integrates with objective love for the offending person.
I have a déjà vu friend who puts it this way: Go hard on the issue, and soft on the person.
That is a good way of thinking about the difference between those who hate well and those who do not. Subjective hatred often loses the issue in the disdain and judgment of it all, and is very hard on the person. Objective hate is very laser-like in its precision when addressing what it is against, and very soft and intentional towards preserving the integrity and respect of the person, even if he or she is an offender.
One of the hallmarks of déjà vu people is that they tend to not escalate issues and conflicts; on the contrary, they bring order to chaos and resolution to difficult situations.
I was talking to a friend who was president of a large company about how he became successful, and he told me the following: “I am not really sure, except that I did learn one thing as a young executive. I learned that if I refused to allow the really difficult people above me to get to me, and instead found out how to solve the problems they faced, I always became valuable to them. It would always end up putting me in some path of promotion.”
If he had walked around loaded with a lot of subjective hatred toward authority figures, he would have gone the way of many smart, gifted, and talented people who never make it. They feel like they just have to “put those people in their place,” or some such nonsense, and lose their jobs or promotional opportunities in the process. They do not know the wisdom of Solomon: “A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel” (Proverbs 15:18).
So to become a déjà vu person, you have to take the subjective hatred that you feel and make it objective. Figure out where it comes from. Put a name and a face to it. Put a time to it. If you have to go into therapy to do that, do it.
Jodi did it and she became a déjà vu person. She built a successful relationship with Tony and her children. But she had to make her subjective hatred objective. She had to realize that the pool of disdain she was carrying around was not caused solely by what was happening to her in the present. She had to look at the specifics of how her parents had let her down. She had to talk through those feelings, which were spawned by specific, objective incidents, in real time history. She named the times and the incidents. She put words to them. She finally named her alcoholic parents’ behavior as the cause of her hurt and the object of her hatred. And she expressed the ways in which they had failed her. She forgave them for the things they had done, and she got healing for the ways they hurt her.
After working through all those feelings, Jodi could see specifically the values that were objectively important to her. She valued dependability, faithfulness, follow through, and trustworthiness. These were good things. But along with them she also valued love, people, the feelings of others, respect, and the like. When she put those objective values together, she had much more positive responses to people.
She might want to take a stand against serious infractions against trust or a lack of faithfulness, but she would want to do it in a way that preserved the other things that she cared about, such as the people involved. She would still hate a lack of dependability, but she would also hate hurting people who fail to be dependable. Expressing both of those two values together brought about a different response. She confronted more lovingly.
Jodi’s new experience summarizes the two aspects of how déjà vu people hate well: it shows us what they hate and how they hate. In terms of the what:
Déjà vu people tend to have immune responses to things that are truly infections, poisons, toxins, and dangers.
Getting cut off on the freeway is not one of those. Mild lack of performance or imperfections by those we love are not among them. Small offenses do not require a declaration of war. In terms of the how:
Déjà vu people tend to address the real toxins of life in specific, effective ways that face the issues and respect the persons involved.
ASSESSING WHAT YOU HATE
We saw earlier how what we hate in part defines who we are and what we are like. It defines what we can be expected to take a stand for. One of the most important principles is to keep the important things in life important, and to focus on what is vital rather than on those things that might not be as big a deal. This is often said in many ways, such as Keep mindful of what is really important in life or Don’t sweat the small stuff We have scores of colloquial ways of reminding ourselves that life has certain essentials that we do not want to compromise. And at the same time, we do well to not elevate small things to the same level as the important things.
This does not mean that we do not address even small, bothersome things that we do not like. In chapter four we saw the importance of addressing the negative things in life, no matter what they are. But not all these issues will fall into the category of things that we hate.
Neither does it mean that when we speak of hate we are just talking about anger and emotion. Negative emotions are of little value when it comes to solving problems. Our hate certainly has passionate roots and deep connections to the heart and spurs all sorts of feelings, but it is more than that. It is a stance for the most vital things in your life, and a stance against the things that would destroy them. It is a structure and a value.
Most of these vital things in our lives seem to be universal values. Few people would not embrace them. They tend to form the foundation of the way that we see life. Earlier in this chapter, I referred to a biblical passage that defines God by describing six things he hates. It shows how hating well displays exemplary character. Here is the scripture:
There are six things the LORD hates,
seven that are detestable to him:
haughty eyes,
a lying tongue,
hands that shed innocent blood,
a heart that devises wicked schemes,
feet that are quick to rush into evil,
a false witness who pours out lies
and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers.
—PROVERBS 6:16—19
The items on this list are not small things. Think of the times that you have seen people—or even yourself—victimized by the evils on this list. They cause pain and destroy people’s lives. To hate these things is to take a stand against them wherever they appear, and to employ opposite attributes in our own dealings with people. That is the value of hating the right things.
Sometimes in a seminar I will ask the audience to think back to when they were eighteen, the point at which they became adults. Then I ask them to listen to the following psalm written by King David and think about how their lives would have been different if they had taken a stand against the things mentioned here and not tolerated them:
I will set before my eyes no vile thing.
The deeds of faithless men I hate;
they will not cling to me.
Men of perverse heart shall be far from me;
I will have nothing to do with evil.
Whoever slanders his neighbor in secret,
him will I put to silence;
whoever has haughty eyes and a proud heart,
him will I not endure.
My eyes will be on the faithful in the land,
that they may dwell with me;
he whose walk is blameless will minister to me.
No one who practices deceit will dwell in my house;
no one who speaks falsely will stand in my presence.
—PSALM 101:3--7
Think how different your life might be if you had lived out a paraphrase of this psalm:
“Whenever I see destructive behavior, I am going to leave that scene. I won’t trust people who are betrayers so I won’t be walking around with a lot of hurt. I will stay away from people who twist good things such as love or sex and use them in some impure way. I won’t play that game. I don’t want to be close to those who are slanderers and put others down. And those arrogant types who think they are so superior and try to put me down can just stay away. I want to be around good people with good hearts and spend my time with them. I want to receive what they have to offer. I won’t be around liars and people who are not into truth.”
How much better would life be if everyone adopted those values that David espoused, if everyone hated those evils so much that they would not participate in them. Non-participation is the ultimate hatred! There is no rage in those lines of David’s—no screaming or ranting. He is just saying, My immune system is not going to tolerate this stuff in my life. Period. And when any of those evils did assail him, he would just activate an objective immune response that confronted the issue and stopped it from infecting him or his relationships. No ranting or raving needed; just a very clear stance.
So, what is on your list? What is worth hating? And where has hate gone awry for you? What do you hate that is really not “hate worthy?” Where has subjective hate filled you up so much that it finds expression in ways and at times that are not good for you or for others?
YOU GET WHAT YOU TOLERATE
Just as water seeks the lowest level, dysfunction seeks the lowest level of tolerance. If your standard for what you require in life and relationships is low, bad things will ooze into your life just as water dribbles to the lowest spot of ground. If you allow mistreatment, then people who mistreat others will find you and you will get what you tolerate.
However, déjà vu people, you will notice, simply do not tolerate dysfunction. They hate it—wisely. They send out the antibodies, mark it for what it is, and end it. They do not destroy the person or the relationship in the process, but they do not tolerate the infection.
So choosing what you hate is serious business. What will you tolerate? What will you not? What will you work with and what will you absolutely under no conditions allow? Remember that what you do not hate well is going to find its way into your life.
Here are some tips that déjà vu people would offer:
Make Your Values Intentional
Spend some time thinking through your life to uncover situations you faced that were much like the evils that David shunned in his psalm, or like the seven things that God hates. Think about what you have found to be hurtful, and what you should see as worthy of taking a stand against in order to protect what you love. Make a list of your values. Pray over them. Ask the people who know you well and whom you see as déjà vu people what things in their lives are non-negotiable. Review the list periodically and see if you need to add anything or take anything away. Make sure that it includes all the basics that you should take a stand against, like dishonesty, abuse, disrespect, control, and oppression.
Build Up Your Immune System
Just like your physical immune system, your emotional and spiritual immune system can be either strong or weak. The stronger it is, the less we tend to get infected and the more we are able to be around sickness without getting sick ourselves. The weaker it is, the more we require supportive environments to keep us well. They need to be as germ-free as possible.
Assess how strong you are. You might find that until you get stronger, you should not be exposed to certain kinds of “germs” and “toxins.” Certain people or situations may be too much for you. You would do well to find a safe place where other people can take a stand against hate worthy things for you while you work toward getting stronger.
Then take the necessary steps to strengthen your emotional and spiritual immune system. Find a support or recovery group. Get support or counseling if needed. Work out the toxins inside that are making you susceptible to so much infection. Deal with your dependencies on toxic people and other related issues. Do whatever it takes to get strong.
Deal with Your Subjective Hatred
Find the sources of your subjective hatred and, like we said above, make it objective. Put names and faces and times to the origins of your problematic feelings and attitudes. See if you have been subject to global feelings and assessments like Jodi was. If you have been hurt, for example, by a certain woman, do you hate all women? Or if by a man, do you hate all men? Make that anger and hurt objective to the one person who hurt you and do not generalize.
When you apply objective things like time, space, understanding, specific events, specific emotions, and specific places to the origins of your hate, you can begin to put them in their proper place. Realize that your hurt comes from a different time in the past, and let the span between then and now help you get a new perspective on it. Understand what the hurtful incident meant for you then, and what it has come to mean for you today. Think about what new understanding you can bring to those same kinds of events today that can reduce their power in your life. Work through the feelings and emotions of it all with a trusted person or group. When you trace the origins of your feelings to objective people or events, you can begin to understand them and sort them according to their value.
You must take from those experiences the things that you want to learn and make part of you, such as what kinds of people are untrustworthy and should be avoided, or specific skills that would make you stronger now and not susceptible to the same kind of injury again. Above all, seek healing and understanding for the parts of you that have been injured.
Mix Hate with Love and Respect
A déjà vu person shows up with what we call an integrated character. In other words, when he brings his hate, he also brings his love as well. His hate is integrated with his love and other values, such as respect for people, kindness, and forgiveness. That is how he can take a hard stand on a tough issue but remain loving and kind in the process. It is what makes him effective at doing confrontations, and why his relationships tend to move to higher levels as a result of confrontations instead of deteriorating into rage-filled messes.
You can take an absolute stand against something without being destructively angry. In fact, one’s anger is often an indicator of how afraid he is of whatever he must encounter. As Proverbs 25:28 says, in essence, “An angry man is like a city without walls.” In other words, when people do not have strong immune systems, fear takes over, causing them to get angry and lose control. Déjà vu people rarely lose control. They simply assert their stand against what they hate. They do it wisely. They do it well. And hating well always means lovingly, kindly, being soft on the person but very strong on the issue. By strong I simply mean not giving in. There is no need to be mean, loud, or ferocious. Strong means immovable.
So in your immune responses, show kindness. Just do not tolerate the thing that you have a no-tolerance rule against. Then your other values will also find their place as well—values such as helping the other person and restoring the relationship. If your immunities are strong enough, you can even be around the things that you hate without being infected by them while you are trying to restore or help someone. You are strong enough to “overlook an offense” (Proverbs 19:11). Everyone who ever helped an addict, for example, knows what that is like. Or anyone who ever parented a teenager.
Build Your Skills
Taking a stand against the things that destroy life can be tough if you have never learned the skills needed. Besides being strong enough inside, you might also need to learn some good conflict resolution or assertiveness skills. One thing that déjà vu friends always do well is resolve conflict, and that means being honest and assertive without losing control of oneself, getting manipulated, or freaking out. If you do not know how to do it, take an assertiveness workshop or a conflict resolution workshop. Get a book on the topic and do role plays with a friend. Watch others who are good at assertiveness.
DESTRUCTIVE OR CONSTRUCTIVE?
Whether you are going to hate is not an option. You have been created in the image of God to stand up for life and stand against things that destroy life. So when hurtful things happen, you are going to have a response. It is hardwired into you. Things that you do not like are going to happen, and you are going to experience negative feelings. The question is this: will that response be constructive or destructive?
You can respond in subjective, immature ways and destroy relationships, your career, and people you care about; or you can avoid responding at all and get yourself destroyed in the process, along with your talents, health, and many other things you value.
There is another way, the sixth of the Nine Things you simply must do. You can learn the way of déjà vu people, the pattern of hating well. That means that you will be one of those people who objectively choose what they will hate, and you will objectively decide how you will deal with those things when they present themselves. In the process, you will preserve most of the good things in your life, eliminate most of the destructive things, and experience much more success in both love and life.
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