—C. K. Chesterton
OKAY, I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU, I said to the seminar crowd. “I sometimes give a talk entitled How to Destroy All of Your Relationships. In your opinion, what is the formula for destroying relationships? How do you do that? What are some ways that you have destroyed relationships?”
The answers started coming from the floor. Be mean. Lie. Cheat. Don’t pay attention. Criticize, and so on. Of course, those were all good suggestions, and they would probably be pretty effective. But they did not anticipate the formula that I was about to give them.
“Here’s all you have to do to ruin every relationship in your life: Play fair. If you play fair, you will ruin all of them. Some may go pretty quickly, others may take longer. But in the end, you will succeed. Play fair and all your relationships will be ruined.”
The audience looked at me like I was crazy. And I understood that look, because the concept is counterintuitive. To play fair seems like such a good thing. We love people who play fair and dislike those who do not, right? Well, not exactly.
In this chapter, we will find that my déjà vu friends succeed in love and life because they do not just play fair at all. They know where fair gets them, and they want better than that.
Up to now we’ve looked at how successful people know that you must listen to your heart’s desire; eliminate negative forces; choose the future by acting well in the present; take action and responsibility; take small steps to victory; and hate the right things in the right way. Now let’s look at the seventh of the Nine Things you must do.
GOOD FOR GOOD, BAD FOR BAD?
The business deal that I was working on had taken substantial time and effort. There were several parties involved, and tons of work had been done to get the deal to where it was on this particular day. I had high hopes for success. Things looked good.
My meeting that day was supposed to be somewhat of a celebration. The man I was meeting with was the last pivotal person to make it all work. I had been getting to know him better, and at this point I had found him interesting, creative, and smart. So I had been looking forward to this day when we were to sign up to go the next step. Then it happened.
We were eating lunch and discussing all we had gone through to get things to that point, and how happy we were that it had all worked out. That is when he said, “I am looking forward to working with you. You seem like a trustworthy person who does good work. I am like that myself. You can depend on me; I will do my part. You do your part, and I will do mine. Do me right, and I will do you right. But, don’t screw with me, or you won’t like it. Mess with me, and I will mess with you right back. Treat me well and we’ll be fine.”
At that moment, I knew our deal was off. There was no way I was going forward with this man. Why? He just wanted to play fair. As long as I was treating him well, he would treat me well. Things would be fine. But if I gave him less than he desired, then he was going to do the same back at me. Good for good, bad for bad. That is only fair.
And it will destroy every relationship in life.
So I told the man that our deal would not work for me, and I would not be able to move forward.
Later when I was explaining my decision to some other people, I said that that kind of relationship will not work. I do not like to be in partnerships where the attitude is to give each other just what we deserve. That is certainly fair, but if I enter a relationship with you, I want better than fair from you. I do not want to fail and have you get back at me in some way to even up the score.
“I understand that principle to be fair,” I explained, “but I want more than that. If I make a mistake, I want you to help me, not get back at me. If I fail, that is exactly when I need you to do better, not worse. If I do something wrong, I need for you to rise above it and show me, and be a force to get us on the right track, not to cause the situation to deteriorate into getting even.
I would want to do the same, I continued. If a person with whom I had a relationship made an error or did something detrimental to the relationship. I would want to help him or her see it, fix it, and do better. 1 would want to be a force to help raise them up, not drag them down. That is the only kind of partnership I want to be in.
THE PHILOSOPHY OF THE MASSES
My potential partner was not a bad person. He was one of the good guys. He did not go around looking for ways to hurt people, nor did he do them wrong to benefit himself. He was not a crook. He was honest. In short, he was like most of the people we run into on a daily basis. They are nice as long as they are being treated nicely. They are loving as long as they are being loved. That works well, for a while.
Marsha called our radio show with a question about her marriage.
“I need to know how long is long enough,” she said. “How long do you put up with a problem and hope it is going to change, and when do you pull the plug and get on down the road?”
“You are talking about your husband?” I asked. “Are you wondering if you should divorce?”
“Yes, exactly. I don’t think he is going to change,” she said.
“How do you know that? What have you tried?” I asked.
“Well, we tried counseling, and all either of us did was go in there and tell the counselor how bad the other was. It was just a griping session about each other’s faults. I got mad at him and he got mad at me. I have tried and tried, but no matter what I do, it is not enough. It is just not going anywhere, and I am tired of trying,” she said. I could hear the agitated despair in her voice. She did not seem mean in her anger; she was just angry that she could not get the man she loved to come around, and she was staring hopelessness in the face.
“Are you the one who tries harder?” I asked.
“Yes, it seems that I am the one who is pushing to make it better,” she said.
“So, can I assume that you are the more mature one in the relationship?” I asked.
“Yes, I think so,” she said, a little reluctantly. “I am the one who pushes for our relationship to be better.”
“Well, okay, let’s assume that you are what you say you are. But if that is true, there is a problem. If you are the more relational one, the more mature one, then you are the one who has the greater responsibility. If you have more ability than he, then you have more responsibility to make it better,” I said. “And the situation you have described is one in which you and he go into counseling sessions and each of you does the same thing. He blames you; you blame him. If this marriage is going to work, then you have got to do better than that. You have got to love him in a more mature way.
“What do you mean!” she asked, sounding a little ticked, as if I were suggesting that she just take whatever he dished out in the name of love. That is nearly always the fear of someone who is getting mistreated when you tell them to love better than they are loving presently. They think you are suggesting that they become a doormat with no boundaries, and just take it. That is not what I was saying at all.
“What I mean is that your ‘maturity’ and your ‘love’ is a dependent maturity and a dependent love. You depend on him to treat you well in order for you to treat him well. To make this better, you are going to have to rise above needing him to be mature and remain mature even when he is not,” I said.
“I did that!” she retorted. “And it did not work.”
“How did you do it?” I asked.
“Well, I decided that I was sick of the blame game, and I was going to stop blaming him and be nice to him to see if that would make things better. And it did. For about three months he responded. He was actually nicer. But in the long run, it didn’t work.”
“What happened?” I asked.
“We were in counseling, and we were getting better because I was treating him better. But then one day I made one little slip up and he blew up again. I made one tiny mistake, and he went right back to the way he was. That is what I mean. I tried and it did not work,” she said.
“So what did you do then?” I asked.
“When?” she said.
“When he blew up at you. When he stopped responding to your being nice, what did you do?”
“Well, I got mad. I was furious because I had tried so hard for three months. And then I failed just one time, and he blasted me all over again,” she said.
“But that is exactly what you did to him,” I said.
“What do you mean?” she asked.
“As soon as he failed you one time, you let him have it back. So how are you any different? He was responding well to you for three months and you were happier. And then he blows up one time, and you throw it right back at him. So, how can you tell me that you are loving him in a more mature way than he is loving you? You do the same thing that he does: you love him as long as he is responding the way you want, and then the moment he does not—boom! You regress. Tit for tat.
“When you said that you had taken a more mature stance than he was taking and you were nice to him for three months, that really was not true. You were nice because he was responding well. But the moment he did not respond well, your ‘mature love’ was over and you were right back where you started. All it took was for him to make one little screw up.
She went silent for a moment. I could tell that she got it. “So what do I do?” she asked.
And that is the big question. What do we do when we get less than we deserve in a relationship? Or in a business deal? Or in life itself? Fair is giving good things to others as long as they give good things to us. Then if they fail us in some way, we respond “fairly.” We give it right back to them, either at the moment or soon thereafter. Either our words or our actions say, That’s not fair. Therefore, I am not going to do good to you any more. In fact, I am going to give you exactly what you are giving me. Then you can see how it feels.
The problem is that operating by the principle of playing fair, all it takes for any relationship to go sour is for one person not to perform, then the other one will do the same. There is an interlocking dependency: the other person must be good so I can be good. In this kind of dynamic, we need the other person to be loving in order for us to love them, or to behave maturely in order for us to behave maturely toward them. And no one ever performs perfectly, so that is why all it takes to drag a relationship down is one failure. Under the “play fair” system, deterioration is inevitable. See if these examples sound familiar:
• One person is a little withdrawn, so the other feels abandoned and gives the silent treatment.
• One person is a little sarcastic, so the other one is sarcastic back.
• One person gets a little angry, so the other one snaps back.
He Started It!
In each of these scenarios, what do you think the next step should be? Usually the one who began the cycle is not suddenly going to rise above it. More commonly he or she just hits the ball back over the net. The game is on, and there is no referee until the players get with the marriage counselor, to divorce court, or into legal arbitration to undo the business deal.
It’s like the age-old interaction of two children on the playground when the parent says, “Don’t hit your brother!”
“He hit me first!”
The one caught hitting feels that he did nothing wrong because his brother started it. In fact, that seems to be the mantra for kids who have not yet learned to interact maturely.. . . He started it! As if as long as I did not start it, I am innocent and justified in retaliating.
And when you think strictly in terms of fairness, that mantra really does hold true. We usually do not hold a person at fault who hits back in a fight that he or she did not start. The other person had it coming, we say. The truth is, that is right.
But the problem is that while tit for tat is fair and just, the end result is that the relationship is over, at least for the moment. It has broken down. And the vitriolic exchange that caused the breakup leaves things worse after the interchange than before it. No good thing has happened, and no positive change has occurred. Now there are two hurts instead of one. There is no resolution, just a smoldering need for revenge. Wrath and anger are vented, but nothing is gained, no problem is solved. The only ones who benefit are the attorneys.
The sad reality is that this is the philosophy of the masses. Good people, fair people, get divorced every day. Good and fair business partners split up every day. Good families get estranged every day. How often have you heard, I can’t believe they split up. They both are such good people; how could that have happened? And it is true. They are both good. Fair is good. But fair does not work; so good people fail at relationships every day.
GETTING BEYOND JUST FAIR
So what do we do? When someone fails us, do we just act as if nothing happened? Do we take it and become doormats? Will that help a relationship? Certainly not. If there has been any breakthrough in recent decades, it is the popularization of the very helpful awareness that co-dependency and enabling are bad, destructive things. They are not the answer at all. They only make things worse. So what is the answer?
Here is Principle Seven expressed in three ways more eloquently than I could ever attempt:
If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ lend to ‘sinners,’ expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back.
—LUKE 6:32—35
Do not repay anyone evil for evil.
Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
—ROMANS 12:17—18
Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
—ROMANS 12:21
The answer is very simple, and very hard to do. It is the way of déjà vu people:
Give back better than you are given.
People who succeed in life do not go around settling scores. They do not even keep score. They “run up the score” by doing good to others, even when the others do not deserve it. They give them better than they are given. And as a result, they often bring the other person up to their level instead of being brought down to the level of the other. They are a redemptive force carrying a good infection wherever they go, infusing relationships with health; infusing businesses with health; and infusing communities with health. They change things for the better. They give back better than they are given.
Jesus’ words in the first passage above simply describe the truth of what we saw earlier. Pretty much everyone loves those who love back. Most people do good to those who do good to them. My almost business partner did as much. Even banks give money to those who are going to repay. Big deal. When a relationship operates on the same principle, an inherent problem looms in the background. As soon as there is a late payment, the relationship goes into a negative dynamic.
But to do good to people who do not deserve it is an altogether different matter. It is the law of love. It has the power to improve those who are failing. It has the power to turn them around. Instead of lowering yourself to their level, you elevate them to yours. This is the only way that good relationships continue and the only way that problem relationships get better. Let’s take a look at how déjà vu people make this principle work.
Get Rid of Anger
There are different ways of responding to anger. We’ll look at two that are problematic and one that is better.
The first way to respond to your anger is to not feel it, to be out of touch with it, to deny it, and to not allow it to tell you that something is wrong. People who do not know that something is making them angry are out of touch with what they want and cannot solve problems. They let negative things continue, or they go dead inside, or they do something passive aggressive or unhelpful.
The other problem way of handling anger is to use it to get back at those who wrong you—to put them down, hurt them, lash out, shame them, or manipulate them into improving. Some people do not even think of their anger as a problem. They just let it fly, as a fair and just response to an offense. But such responses do not help because they put other people on the defensive. Their anger does nothing to reach the other’s heart.
Successful people know this. They do not blast people with anger. They take a third route, which is using their anger to let the other person know that there is a problem. Then, they go and solve the problem by approaching the person in love, not anger, and facing the issue at hand. This is what we discussed in the last chapter, on hating wisely. Successful people make their anger objective, and its object is the problem, not the person. They are not doormats at all. But they fix problems in a way that treats the other person better than the other person treats them. In so doing they become allies with the person to solve the problem instead of enemies trying to win.
You just do not see people who are successful in the true sense of the word who are hotheads and have never gotten control of their anger. The successful ones do not let anger spoil relationships. They agree with Solomon: “It is to a man’s honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel” (Proverbs 20:3).
Ask Yourself What Is Helpful
In spite of what I’ve said up to this point, the biggest objection that people have to giving good when they have received bad is their fear of becoming a doormat. They think such a response is bound to result in allowing people to “get away with murder.” Nothing could be further than the truth. The power of the principle is that it will improve the relationship for both parties, not just for the offending one. I will explain.
The mature person in the relationship will ask, How can I turn this around? How can I help? What does this person need? What could get him to a better place? We said earlier that enabling is not helpful, and to give back something good is better than allowing one to get away with bad things.
It is true that sometimes one must set limits and impose consequences. That is playing better than fair. For example, if one partner in a marriage is being hurtful, perhaps abusing the other, abusing drugs or alcohol, or having an affair, it is not helpful just to take it. It would be more helpful to consider one of the following responses.
“I love you, and I want the best for you. I want you to face this problem and get over it. I will get help with you or do anything I can. But I won’t allow this kind of hurt and destruction to continue with me. We cannot be together until you decide to do something about it. Let me know when you make that decision. Until then, I won’t be living here.”
“I love you and I want the best for us. But I can’t talk to you without it turning into a fight. I want to be able to do that, but until we can do it, I want us to discuss the issue with a counselor present.”
“It seems that this pattern of behavior we have talked about is not getting better. Can you see that? How can I help?”
Get Past Your Own Need
To make such a response requires that you get out of the basic dependent position that Marsha was in. Her “goodness” and “maturity” depended on her husband being good and mature. Such conditional goodness or maturity is hardly good or mature. Goodness and maturity are not dependent on another person; they simply are. To possess these attributes, you must practice them regardless of how you are being treated. That does not mean you are a pushover and allow destructive things to just go on without notice. But it does mean you face these things in a way that does not add another injury to the score.
The basic issue here is to avoid adding another hurt or infraction to one that has already occurred. To accomplish this, you not only have to get past your own hurt and need; you have to transcend it.
A friend said to me, “That all sounds good in theory, but I don’t know how you can actually do it in a marriage when you have a real need for the spouse to be good, or trustworthy, or dependable, and he or she is not” Good point It is difficult to do. But there is a principle here.
If it is true that your spouse is not being what you need, either for the moment or for a season, then that is reality. Your need is not being met from that source. To continue to depend on the spouse for that need when he or she is not going to deliver it, at least for the moment is not wise. It is obviously not going to happen. It is like trying to get water from an empty bottle.
This is what my friend needed to see. Remaining in the dependent stance is what keeps you from being helpful to your spouse. Unmet needs create frustration, and you cannot be helpful to someone else when you need something from him or her. For example, when you need to be listened to, or cared about or supported, that is when your friends, community counselors, and support systems are vitally important Do not simply go without having these needs met and be continually hurt, leaving yourself with no way of coping with the situation.
Thus, while working on the problem, you must find other ways and places to meet those needs. That means getting support to work out the relationship. That is how people turn tough relationships around. They turn to friends, or join a support group or a codependency group, to get their needs met so that they go into the difficult relationship from a full place instead of a needy and dependent place. When you are full, you can do what is needed in the difficult relationship to make it better. But if you are empty, you will just be sucked into the vacuum of immaturity that is being dealt to you in the relationship.
Successful people see life as a place to give, and as a by-product of giving, they receive back in the end. They are not giving just to get something back, but that is what happens. When a person takes the high road and helps a wayward spouse, sibling, partner, or friend mature through love and enforcing limits, they often get a mature spouse, sibling, partner, or friend in the end as the reward for their sacrifice. By “losing our life” as Jesus put it, we “gain it.” But to demand it in the beginning, we lose it. The high road that leads to payoff is always the one that begins with sacrifice. That may not be fair, but it’s true.
So, become responsible for getting what you need and maintaining your own emotional health so that the other person cannot drag you into the gutter. If you keep your feet solidly on the high road, you will be able to drag him or her up. It is like when the flight attendant tells you to first put on your own oxygen mask before helping a child put on hers. You cannot help another if you are deprived of the thing you need.
Sometimes Love Takes a Person to a Higher Level
Another friend tells the story of a time when his wife was out of town and he had to take care of their three small children by himself. Being a psychologist, he was usually pretty good with them and understood their needs. On this particular morning, however, their little girl was pushing him past the limit.
He was trying to get them off to school, and she was lollygagging. He nagged her a few times but she did not pick up her pace. Slowly he began to get angry. He could hear her in her room, still playing and not getting ready at all. Her defiance was really irritating him.
He was on his way in there to let her have it when he stopped in his tracks. If this were one of my clients, what would I do? he asked himself. I would find out what is causing this behavior. He thought about it for a moment, and then he had it. He walked into his daughter’s room, stooped down, and with his hands on her shoulders, looked her right in the eye.
She expected a scolding. But he said, “You miss your mommy, don’t you?”
Instantly she fell into his arms and began sobbing. She could not even talk, so he did. “Yes, honey, I know,” he said. “I miss her too. It is hard having her away.”
After crying in his arms for a moment, she suddenly jumped back. “Daddy! It’s late!” she exclaimed. “We have to get to school!”
His empathy had taken her to a higher level. Had he followed his first impulse and come down on his daughter, her behavior would have taken him down to her level of immaturity. He did not allow that to cause him to regress and act in an immature way. Instead, his love and softness melted her to a better place.
Solomon tells us that “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). This wise father knew that principle, and it worked for him. But to make it work, he had to get past himself and his natural instinct to dish out what he was being given, even though his daughter “deserved” it.
Not giving others what they deserve is a big part of not playing fair. To give them better than they deserve is what the Bible calls grace. The word means unmerited favor. It describes how God treats us. Sometimes, as we said above, it means that we give someone loving limits and consequences if other things have not worked. But often, limits are not needed; only a little softness is.
Instead of blasting a coworker for not getting something done, the déjà vu manager goes in, closes the door, and asks, Is everything okay? It looks like you might be getting a little overwhelmed or behind...
Instead of riding a teenager for her non-performance, a déjà vu dad asks how things are going, or if it all seems too hard, or makes some other attempt to understand the teen before addressing the problem.
When a husband gets short-tempered or barks at her, instead of barking back, a déjà vu wife walks over and gives him a hug. Little overwhelmed today, huh? Barking is answered with kindness.
When those on the other side of a business deal do not do their job, the first déjà vu-type move is to ask how it’s going, or if there is any way we can help from our side. Seems like you guys might be getting overtaxed over there.... Often this kind of understanding is returned with gratitude and extra service. That is why good businesses give courtesy calls to those who are behind on bills instead of immediately turning them over to angry collection agencies. They know that the higher road is more effective in accomplishing their goal.
Ask How You Have Contributed
Few things loosen a gridlock in a relationship like asking the other person how you have hurt him or contributed to the problem. He is not expecting it. Jerri called in to one of our shows and told us all the ways in which her husband was angry and unloving to her. She painted a picture of a man who was highly reactive and pretty difficult to deal with. While I did not like the way that he apparently treated her, I wondered what it was like for him.
“Have you gone to him and asked how you make life hard for him?” I asked.
Silence. She did not say anything. “Jerri?” I said.
“Yes?” she answered.
“Are you still there?” I asked.
“Yes.”
“What did you think about my question?” I said.
“I don’t know what to say,” she replied. “He is so difficult. Nothing I could have done could cause all his anger at me.
“I did not say it did. But you might want to try the higher ground here and give what you desire to receive. You want understanding, so why don’t you first try to understand what it is like for him to be on the receiving end of your behavior. Ask what you do to upset him and how you can do differently. Ask what would help from your side.”
It was an entirely new thought for her. Because he was the more difficult one, she had never thought about asking how she might be making things difficult for him. I did not blame her for his behavior at all. But I did think that by making the more mature move, she might win him over to maturity. If she made him feel understood, she might move him towards love. If that did not work, she could always fall back on the next step of setting limits. But we cannot require maturity from the other person until we are being mature from our side first. Going to him and showing that she cares how her behavior affects him is a step in that direction. Overcome evil with good.
Give the Opposite
Often we sabotage the possibility of getting what we want by giving exactly the opposite. It happens when we give just what we are given—when we are “playing fair.” For example, let’s assume there is someone you want to be close to, but that person disconnects and detaches. As a result, you withdraw your love. You pout or get mad. You withhold affection when he comes to you later. To give better would mean that you do not withdraw connection, but seek him. Instead of punishing, ask what is wrong. See if you are doing something that is driving him away. It solves nothing to return a lack of connection for a lack of connection.
If someone tries to control you, do not control back. Give freedom instead. Give choices. Speak to her control directly by making the choices that you want to make, and do not try to manipulate her or keep her happy. Then if she is not able to control you and gets angry, give her the same freedom that you have chosen: I understand that my choice is frustrating to you. You can choose to be upset with me if you want. But this is what I need to do. Live out freedom, and offer it to the other person.
If someone is perfectionistic or critical, do not criticize him for being critical. I can’t believe how critical you are, is being just like him. Instead, accept him as he is, both the good and the bad, and empathize with the criticism. Do not agree with it; just accept it. Seems like you are really frustrated that I am not meeting your expectations. Sorry that is so hard for you. Such a response shows that you accept him even when he is acting like a jerk. You are not giving in, but neither are you returning criticism for criticism. You are giving the opposite: acceptance of where he is at the moment. Your response will likely disarm him, making him unable to pick a fight with you.
Remember, it is not a good thing to water a plant that you do not want or to fuel a fire that can burn you. Do not feed the bad, destructive things, but instead sow exactly the opposite. Do not let the other person get away with hurting you. That is not good either for you or him. But avoid sowing more bad behavior into the relationship. That is self-defeating.
WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND
Déjà vu people have transcended the need for revenge. Their first goal is to make things better for the other person or group. The other’s benefit is their utmost concern. That does not mean they have no interest at all in their own benefit. It simply means that in their treatment of others, their goal is to do well by them regardless of how they are treated.
They are not interested in settling the score or getting even. Revenge is for immature people, and they know that ultimately the offending person is going to get what he deserves without his needing to bring it about. God and the universe have a way of making that happen, as does also the natural law of sowing and reaping. But even this ultimate payback is not something that déjà vu people wish on another person, and that is the true hallmark of their character. They truly want the best for others, even those who do not do well by them. Solomon expressed that kind of character in this way:
Do not gloat when your enemy falls;
when he stumbles, do not let your heart rejoice,
or the LORD will see and disapprove
and turn his wrath away from him.
—Proverbs 24:17—18
That is why déjà vu people are not full of bitterness and why others are not able to get them down. They do not let a dirty world stain them and turn them into “one of them.” Instead, their goal is to turn the world and others into one of them—the kind of person who wants the best for everyone and wants everyone to do better than he or she is doing. And they’re willing to pay a temporary price for that.
Because they are not looking for revenge, they often get the opposite. Good things happen as a result of their love and grace. People are transformed by their pardons. People are deeply affected that, when our déjà vu friends had them on the ropes, they did not knock them out. And that is just like the love of God. As the Bible says, he died for us “while we were yet enemies.” He loved us when we did not love him. And as a result, God wins many people over to his side through such undeserved love. They become better people and pass that love on to others. That is how déjà vu people operate, and the fruit of that is more and more light and less and less darkness in marriages, families, workplaces, communities, and the rest of the world.
As for déjà vu persons themselves, what happens when it does not work out? They are not tied to doing just what is “fair.” They are free to move on. They do not need to settle the score. They let it go and get on about their business. Because of that, they are not forever held up in the past, bitter, or dragged down by old hurts and grievances that are still alive in their souls. Forgiving and letting go have set them free.
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