Becoming a Déjà Vu Person

I WILL NEVER FORGET THAT DAY. I was in college, and I was wondering how people became successful. How did they make relationships work? How did they accomplish their goals and build a life that was satisfying and fulfilling? As I sat in my room on that particular day, everything looked pretty dark to me.

I had gone to school with high hopes for a sports career, but that dream was chronically hampered and finally ended by a tendon injury. After the injury I had tried to find an alternative, something I wanted to do and could really sink my teeth into. But I was hav­ing no luck. It seemed that none of the courses I took and none of the areas I looked into really grabbed me. And looming even larger than that, I wondered how success would come to me even if I did find the field that I liked. There seemed to be many steps involved and many abilities present in those who had “made it” that were foreign to me—at least I felt that they were foreign to me.

To make my mood even darker, I had just gone through a breakup with a girlfriend with whom I was quite serious. It made me wonder how a good relationship is found or made to last. At that moment, success seemed pretty unattainable to me, both in love and life. Then something happened.

For some reason, I had the thought that I should look in the Bible. That was not something I had done much since arriving at college. I was too deeply involved in other things to think about my spiritual life. But on that day I was at the bottom, so when the thought came I was more open to spiritual direction than usual. When I opened the book, I came upon a verse that seemed to jump out at me. It was from a section where Jesus was saying that worry­ing about life (exactly what I was doing at that moment) does not get us very far in accomplishing the life that we desire. Instead, he pointed to a different path:

So do not worry, saying, “What shall we eat?” or “What shall we drink?” or “What shall we wear?” For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteous­ness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

—Matthew 6:31—34

On that particular day, I did not know what all Jesus meant those verses, but I did know that the way I was going about things was not working. So I decided to try it his way. I told him that I wanted help, that my life was not working, and that I needed him to show me the way to make it all come together. I guess you could call it that “leap of faith” that people talk about. I did not know what else to do, nor did I know what would happen next. In my naiveté, I was hoping he might just come down and “make it all better.” And, in a real sense, that is exactly what he did. But, how he did it was far from what I expected. There were no lightening bolts, no instructions written across the sky.

What he did was this: immediately he put people around me who knew the path I was seeking and who helped me to go step by step onto that path. Some of them you have met in this book, but there were others as well. In all of that I discovered a great truth, and all the déjà vu people I have ever known have told me it has been true for them as well: God puts people in our lives who show us the way.

These God-sent people are models for us. They show us how to grow and what steps to take. They push us, correct us, support us, and discipline us. And as they do all of that, we have to do some things as well: we have to become what God and others are show­ing us we need to be. We have to be engaged in the process and take the steps to become who he created us to be. That is the meaning of the part of the verse about seeking his kingdom and his righteous­ness. It means we need to learn his ways and become a person who learns more and more how to do it “right.”

On that day I discovered four things that changed my life. They were the same four things that I have heard other people affirm countless times:

1. God is there to help us if we ask him.

2. He not only helps us directly, he gives us others to help as well.

3. There are truths and principles, ways as we have called them, that are the ways he designed life to work.

4. As we practice those ways, good things are given.

I want to encourage you to employ these same four steps as you put the Nine Things into practice. I believe that God will help you. He will also give you people to help you, and he will reveal the truths you need to learn to put into practice. Your job is to actively embrace these four steps as you learn the Nine Things.

It is an exciting journey, and one that can yield incredible results in all areas of your life. But you will face challenges along the way. In that light, I want to end the book with a few helpful hints that will help make the journey go more smoothly and be more fruitful. I have seen these hints proven effective countless times. In fact, often when I have seen people fail to accomplish growth, it has been due to the absence of some of the principles I will pass on to you in these hints.

Some of the items that follow may seem familiar to you because we have hit on them briefly in previous chapters. But I list them here as stepping stones on the path of applying the Nine Things.

Twelve Steps to Applying the Nine Things

1. Do Not Go It Alone

Over and over in this book, you have seen examples of people “doing it well.” Whether building a business, a career, or a relation­ship, they seemed to do the right thing at the right time. But none of them ever got there on his or her own. They all had help becom­ing the person that did it well.

Some got training and support from their parents and families. Others got it from a support group or a therapist. Still others learned from mentors and friends. But, as the Bible tells us, none of us has anything that was not given to us in some form or fashion. While some people may claim to be “self-made,” someone taught them how to read or put them in time-out until they learned the self-discipline needed to accomplish their feats. We all get it from somewhere.

So, as you look at the Nine Things and desire to practice them, look to wise, loving people to help you. Find a support group, a counselor, or a coach. There is no magic formula that tells you where help has to come from. But there is a formula that says if you do not have help, you are not going to get as far. Listen again to Solomon:

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work;

If one falls down, his friend can help him up.

But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!

Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.

But how can one keep warm alone?

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

—Ecclesiastes 4:9—12

So, as the wisest man wrote, and countless déjà vu people have proven, “Do not go it alone.”

2. Receive Wisdom

Not only do we need support and strength from others, we must recognize that we have a lot to learn as well. Whether it is in build­ing relationships, a career, or a dream, there are things we need to know to get there. Seek that wisdom from those who know and have already done what you are seeking to do.

Read, study, go to seminars, take classes, research, hang around the ones who do it well. In short, take in all the information you can find that relates to what you want to do. You will get back much more than you invest. Solomon says it this way: “Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding” (Proverbs 4:7).

3. Receive Feedback and Correction

As we saw in chapter ten on Principle Eight (“Be Humble”), wise people receive feedback well. I repeat it here as part of the process of becoming a déjà vu person. Remember, if you had it all together, you would already be there. So, just get comfortable with the fact that there are things about yourself and your ways that need correction. If you do that, you will be open to the answers when they come, and with each correction you will be one step closer to your goal.

4. Find Models

We cannot easily do what we have never seen done. My déjà vu friends were great models to watch, and I learned tremendously from seeing how they did love and life. It helped me immeasurably to see them in action, and all of them would tell you that they had models as well.

Your models can be people you know well, like mentors, friends, or coaches. Or they can be people you “watch” through studying their stories and seeing how they behave. It is the watch­ing and imitating that takes this step a little further than step num­ber one (“Do Not Go It Alone”). While that point refers to active support, coaching, encouragement, and correction that others provide, this one is specific to watching what the successful ones do. It is about seeing it done before you can do it.

5. Review Your Patterns

In the past when you have set out on a new course and failed, what happened? When you failed, did you notice that you tended to fail in the same way each time, no matter what the goal? In other words, is there a pattern to the way you fail? For example, have you begun well and then dropped out? Have you folded when you hit an obstacle? Have you found yourself distracted from your set path by a new goal? When you’ve run into criticism, have you given up?

Look back at what has stopped you before and then apply the quarantine principle explained in step 10 that follows. Do not allow past patterns of failing to repeat themselves. To keep past failures from recurring, you must know the triggers that cause them to repeat. Arming yourself against the patterns and the triggers that set them off will give you protection when they come around again.

6. Deal with Impediments

There are times when our hurt, pain, or weakness gets in the way of our ability to practice the Nine Things. For example, you may be so afraid of rejection that Principle Two (“Pull the Tooth”) in the form of a direct confrontation is hard for you. You have an imped­iment of fear. Not only do you need to grow in your confrontation skills, but you also must deal with the fear that is holding you back.

If you have clinical issues such as depression or anxiety, get help. By resolving those fears and hurts, you will find more free­dom to practice and execute the Nine Things. See a good psychol­ogist or counselor, join a group or a program. That is what wise déjà vu people do when something holds them back.

7. Add Structure

Sometimes outside structure is needed to accomplish things for which you lack the discipline to accomplish alone. Play the movie as you learned to do in chapter five, and you can see how things will look one year from now if you make yet one more effort to reach your goal without discipline. If you have not been able to reach it outside a structured program, then make the decision to find a structured program and join it.

As we said earlier, there is really no such thing as self-help, and this is especially true when it comes to finding discipline. But there are sources where we can find the discipline and structure that we do not possess. That is why addicts go to structured AA programs or treatment facilities. That is why people join Weight Watchers or some other good program for losing weight. That is why those who do not own an ant farm join groups designed to help them finish their dissertations. That is why those who cannot work out on their own join a class at a health club or hire a personal trainer. Re­member the axiom: If you have not had the discipline to do it on your own, you will not gain it by gritting your teeth and making one more try alone. Add the structure from the outside.

8. Practice, Practice, Practice, and Fail

Growth is a process. Give up your demand to have it all together right now. Whatever you choose to accomplish, you will get it wrong more than once as you move toward your goal. Failure is part of the process, and no one who ever got there did it without failing. No one. You gain your place on that long list of winners by becoming a good loser. Get used to it. A winner is someone who steps out, fails, regroups, and instead of’ beating himself up, learns from the mistake and tries again.

That is what a winner is—a good loser. Because good losers— those who learn and try again—become winners in the end. The losers in life either do not lose well, or they avoid losing altogether by not trying in the first place. They avoid losing, and thus they avoid winning as well.

9. Change Your Beliefs

As you embark on this path of growth, you will find that forward movement exposes old belief systems that will try to deter you from your goal. I will never succeed. Success is for other people, not me. This will never work. They will think I’m stupid. There is no short­age of old beliefs that can hold you back.

But remember this: no matter how pervasive those beliefs are in your head, they have nothing to do with future reality. They are only old beliefs or voices from times gone by.

How do you banish these false beliefs? First, you identify them by listening to how you talk to yourself. Keep a journal of those negative thoughts. Write down where they come from—what experience in your life planted such pessimism? Then change each negative belief into a positive one that reflects the way you want to believe and can be translated into reality. Learn to talk back to those debilitating beliefs as you hear them come up in your head. Research has shown over and over that as people monitor and challenge those belief systems, their lives change. And, as they fail to do that, they often remain stuck.

10. Quarantine Your Weaknesses

As we have seen, the déjà vu person is aware of his weaknesses, works on them, and tries to change them. But, he also respects them. If you have a particular weakness or pattern that has derailed you in the past, make sure that you protect yourself from it.

We saw this principle in chapter five on Principle Three, but we bring it up here as a reminder as you engage in the process. Your weaknesses do not just go away because you set a new goal. Some of your weaknesses are activated by “triggers.” You must learn your triggers and make sure you are protected from them. Otherwise they will lead you into the same failure as before.

11. Put Your Vision and Goals on Paper

If you have no plan or goals to get you somewhere, you will end up nowhere. But if you have written out your visions and goals, you are more likely to reach them. Write down the big vision and plan out small but achievable steps that will get you there. Put dates to each step. Have your accountability partners hold you to those dates. Review your plan often.

Remember from chapter seven (“Act Like an Ant”): it was not enough for me to have as a goal write a dissertation. I needed sev­eral small steps with their own deadlines, such as “Have lunch with the advisor and land on a topic by March 1.” Structured goals tend to turn themselves into reality when they are written down and accounted for.

12. Pray, Pray, Pray

Jesus said that the one who asks, seeks, and knocks will receive. Prayer is simple conversation with God, the Source of all that we need. He knows the answers to our dilemmas; he knows where the resources we need are to be found, and he knows the ways in which we need to change. If you ask him, he will answer. This is no magic formula or quick fix. Often we do not even see his answers except in retrospect. We find out later that a firm “no” was the best thing he could have given us when we wanted something that was not best for us. Whether we see him answer directly and quickly or find it out later, he always answers. And his answers are always for our good, even when they do not seem that way at the moment.

Each step of every day, practice what I refer to as “parallel con­sciousness.” While you are performing any task, be asking him all the while for help. You will be surprised at how present he becomes in every area of your life.

If you have never met Jesus and desire a relationship with him, he told us how to do it and issued each person a challenge to find out whether he is real or not. He said, “Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me” (Revelation 3:20).

He claimed to be God and he claims to be alive today. Test this claim for yourself. Ask him sincerely if he really is alive and really is there. If you do this, he will show up. You will never be alone again if you put your trust in him as Messiah and Lord. Then, ask him to relieve you of your worries and help you along the path toward what you are trying to accomplish. He promises to be a Shepherd to you for the rest of your life.

The Nine Things Are For Everyone

I want to leave you with a reminder of one thing I said in the begin­ning. It is something that watching my déjà vu friends taught me: the “ways” we have discussed in these chapters are available to us all. Do not see success in love or life as a goal that you cannot attain or a prize only for special or lucky people. That is not true. Success is never embodied in a person, but in the ways of wisdom that tran­scend any one individual. What déjà vu individuals do is find those ways and practice them. They are not special people, but ordinary people who are connected to these special ways.

My hope is that you might realize that these ways are available to you as well. And that you will embark on a path of putting them to practice in your own life and become a déjà vu person. If you stay on that path, I look forward to the time when I can meet you and see you do or say something that seems small and insignificant to you but seems vaguely familiar to me... déjà vu!