Principle 2: Pull The Tooth

NANCY ASTOR: “If I were your wife, I would poison your coffee!”

WINSTON CHURCHILL: “And if I were your husband, I would surely drink it.”

I HAVE A FRIEND I ADMIRE for his character and accomplish­ments. In fact, he has often done or said things that have con­tributed to my déjà vu experiences. One of those experiences occurred as he told me the history of his company.

He has been with the company for some time now, and as pres­ident he has come to be associated with its success. It is a substan­tial manufacturing business with annual sales in the hundreds of millions.

But it was not always so. He took over the company several years ago when it was about one-sixteenth the size it eventually became. Although it was nothing then like what he turned it into, it was still a substantial business, with annual profits in the millions of dol­lars. I am sure that when he became president, others envied him for landing such a good job leading a company that was already successful. All he really had to do in order to be a success was to keep from screwing things up.

The truth is, not only did he not screw things up, he exploded the company in growth. He put it on steroids. Its annual profits became higher than its former total sales. It was quite an accom­plishment, and he has become a recognized leader in his industry, receiving many awards for the innovative things he has done. Many now turn to him to learn his business and leadership practices.

One day we were discussing life and how we never really know the long-term picture even though at any given moment we plan as best we can. The discussion turned to how he did not foresee the amazing success he has had. But I pointed out that it did not hap­pen by accident. He had done some things to cause his company to grow like it had, and certainly those things were intentional. I asked him what some of those things were. His answer gave me one of those mystery déjà vu moments that 1 have experienced when suc­cessful people reveal their ways. Here is what he said.

“I sold off 80 percent of the company at big losses when I first took it over.”

“What?” I asked. I thought we had been talking about growth— and here he just told me that he ripped through his new company and gave four-fifths of it away! I took math in school, and this just did not add up. Okay, I have a dollar today, and I think I will give away eighty cents. That leaves me with twenty cents... looks like I am on my way now! That is how it sounded to me. How do you gut a profitable company by giving most of it away at substantial losses, and then expect it to explode?

“Yes, that is right,” he said. “I looked at everything the company was doing, and it was making money. But the more I analyzed things, 1 could see that the life of the company was really in about 20 percent of its overall activity. Although the rest of it was okay, I thought it was a drain and a distraction from where the real life of the company was. The real life was in that 20 percent that I decided to keep.

“So, I sold off the rest of the operations and assets, sometimes at pennies on the dollar. I wanted to get them off our plates, out of our hair, out of our lives, and keep them from draining focus, ener­gy, resources, and attention from the good stuff. So, I got rid of all of it. Quickly. And that move enabled us to get focused on the really good things that we had going. And that is what led to our eventual success.

I was having one of those moments. I had seen this before. I had seen successful people let go of very good things that were not the best things to them. At that time I did not know exactly how to conceptualize the experience as part of our mystery successful déjà vu person. Later the picture became clear. I now see it all the time in the lives of people who do life well, both in relationships and in reaching their goals.

Principle Two can be described like this:

Successful people do not hang on to bad stuff for long.

Déjà vu people get rid of bad stuff. Period. Sometimes quickly and sometimes through a process, but they get rid of it. They get it out of their hair, off their plate, out of their souls, and out of their lives. They do not allow negative things to take up space in their lives, draining them of energy and resources. If the tooth is infect­ed, they pull it. Immediately. They have little tolerance for nagging pains that are unresolved. They finish off problems and do not allow them to remain. They get rid of negative energy.

Sometimes this negative energy is generated by the presence of things that are truly negative, such as a significant unresolved problem. At other times the negative energy comes from things that are not innately bad, but simply are not best for the person involved, as was the case for my friend. You may be involved with things that are not bad in and of themselves but that distract you from those deepest desires in your heart or the most important things in life. Thus they become negative influences draining away energy and attention. As problems go, they may seem to be in the minor leagues. But they can spoil your dreams as readily as the big stuff.

LEVEL ONE: MINOR LEAGUE PROBLEMS

There is a big difference between adequately functioning divisions in a successful company and an infected tooth. On the surface one seems to be a blessing and the other a problem. But, if you lived in my friend’s soul, you would see that to him 80 percent of his suc­cessful company was an infected tooth. He saw most of the com­pany’s divisions as problems in that they were taking away from the things that were important to the future he wanted to build. The bulk of the company was not negative per se; it was profitable. But it was negative in terms of where he was trying to go. So, he pulled the tooth.

Sometimes things are not bad at all in their nature, but they are not profitable. There is no law against them; they just don’t do you any good. As the apostle Paul told the Corinthians, “ ‘Everything is permissible for me’—but not everything is beneficial. ‘Everything is permissible for me’—but I will not be mastered by anything” (1 Corinthians 6:12). He was determined not to let even things that were okay have control of him in any way.

In this passage he was talking about food. But the principle also applies to our time and energy—when we allow anything to dilute our focus. Even though it may not be a bad thing in itself, it may not be beneficial. And if you care about the kind of life you are liv­ing and building, then, as it was in my friend’s company, things that are not beneficial are problems. They take up time, resources, energy, attention, and do not get you where you want to go. So, déjà vu people dig them up and get rid of them.

While you and I may not be able to relate to a half-billion-dollar business, a simple example of the principle might show up in a review of your cable television bills, as it did when I recently reviewed my own. I had purchased a package that contained sev­eral movie channels (not the bad ones!). The package was not expensive, and when I bought it, I thought it was a great idea. With small children, I was no longer getting to the movies regularly, and I missed watching them. The cable package was to be my solution. While the expense was not great, it involved enough money to avoid wasting. (I am a cheapskate by nature.)

As the months went on, I began to realize that I was not watch­ing any of the cable movies. I was investing my time in other ways. Every time I looked at that guide, I would feel something inside bugging me. At first I was in denial and told myself, Oh, I will watch something soon—when I finish such and such a project. Then anoth­er month would go by and I still had not watched a single movie.

But I was paying for this cable package. It was a drain on my budget every month! It was not a bad thing in and of itself, and I can afford the few dollars it cost, but it was bringing me no benefit. That was bugging me. So I finally changed my plan. I cancelled the movie channels. Out of the depths of denial and into the realms of success! At least in purchasing television viewing packages.

This is not a huge business success story like that of my friend, but the same principle is at work. The reality is that most of life, even big business operations, is done in small decisions much like this.

There are many such examples that we are not even aware of. Clutter, dead weight, things we keep around that don’t help us but take up space or drain resources. That is why we need to do period­ic spring cleaning in our lives, which is basically level one of this principle. Just as my friend went through the company’s balance sheet and I went through my television bill, you probably go through your home, finances, and other areas of life on some regular basis and “clean house:’ That is normal, and a skill we learn as children. Clean things up periodically. Get rid of the things you are not using. They are taking up space and energy, and costing you at some level.

Maybe you can relate to a few other examples.

• Relationships that you are spending time on that are not going anywhere, or are even taking you places opposite of where you want to go

• Activities that are not getting you where you want to go

• Things you own or are paying for that you are not using, or that are not bringing you true and lasting benefit

• Time you are spending that is not contributing to your real well-being or mission in life

LEVEL TWO: THE BIG LEAGUES

If level one of this principle is spring cleaning—getting rid of things that are not innately negative but are not profitable—what is level two? Level two is facing things that truly are negative and either fixing them or figuring out that they can’t be fixed and let­ting them go. What I have learned about the successful déjà vu per­son is that she does it sooner rather than later.

The first of the Nine Things says that the negative things that are buried in a person’s heart should not be allowed to remain there. She would bring them into awareness and not permit a cesspool to fester among her resources, bugging her at times, but quickly ignored or denied. She would pay attention to these nega­tive proddings. When my friend looked at the balance sheet of his company and had the thought, These divisions are not very alive, he would not allow that fact to be denied, buried, or ignored. He embraced it. Just chewing on the other side or focusing on the pos­itive would not hide the nagging sensitivity of a tooth that hurts.

The second of the Nine Things says pull the tooth. Once the neg­ative is discovered, dug up, and brought into the light, it is not allowed any overtime parking. Either the cavity is filled, or the tooth is pulled. Either the broken car is fixed or the tow truck is called. Either the divisions of the company are made vibrant or they are sold off. Either the movie channels are watched or they are cancelled. Then new energy, time, resources, and space becomes available in the heart, mind, and soul to focus on the things that, as my friend said, have life in them. The negative energy drain is stopped, making room for the good stuff.

So if level one of this principle is the minor-league spring clean­ing, level two is calling in the repairman or even the exterminator. The major league. Sometimes it is difficult to know when to keep working on something or when to let it go. Later in this book, we will look at helpful ways to make those decisions. But suffice it to say now that the successful person is doing one or the other with anything that is negative. She is either working on it and not allow­ing it to remain negative, or she is realizing that there is no hope and moving on.

You don’t necessarily have to get rid of everything that has neg­ative components to it (we would have no friends, marriages, jobs, or anything else of value if we were that perfectionistic). You do have to get rid of the hurtful, negative dynamics of those things. You simply must face and eliminate the drain, the problem of the ongoing, negative energy. That is the point. Stop the insanity!

But sometimes, the negative is not fixable, and you have to give up on repairing something and let it go. That may mean letting go of the expectation that some particular part of something can be improved, or it may mean letting go of the whole thing itself. If you know that investing more time toward reaching a solution is never going to help, then it is time to pull the plug and move on. Forget repairing it or changing it. Let it go.

This principle may mean that you don’t throw out a relation­ship because it has certain negative components. Rather, you take steps to get the other person to change some troubling dynamic or behavior. I believe, for example, in the long-term covenant of mar­riage. Marriages should not be torn asunder. But even in such a commitment where you are not going to get rid of the person, there are certain dynamics that you might have to give up on trying to change, at least for a while. Instead, you learn to deal with them appropriately.

For example, if someone close to you has an addiction, and he or she is not changing, you can put an end to that negative poison in your life. You can say, “I will not remain around anyone who is not living a sober life. If you choose to continue abusing alcohol, we cannot live together. I have tried to get you to deal with it, and as long as you won’t, I can’t do this anymore. I am still committed to you and to working this out, but I want us to live apart if you are not going to choose to get help and get sober.”

Sometimes, though, relationships and other things do come to an end for a variety of reasons. And that is where many people stall out. They do not know when to repair it or when to end it. As Solomon says, there is a time for both: “a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away” (Ecclesiastes 3:6). How do you know the difference? When do you repair a relationship, and when do you let it go? When do you give up on improving a situa­tion, and when do you leave?

We will look at that question a little later in this chapter, but for now, know this: you can only find out by dealing with the problem directly and getting rid of the negative aspect that is damaging your central focus.

You can find out if something is fixable only by getting busy and fixing it.

Question for self: Are you letting it sit there, or are you dealing with it?

So, the successful déjà vu person deals with anything that drains time, energy, and resources from the life of those desires and dreams he is working on. When you think about it, this is quite natural. Every baby has built into its hardwiring the ability to embrace things that feel good and are nourishing, and to reject things that are painful or toxic, if something does not taste right feel good, or hurts, the infant will let you know. He or she will face it, not allowing any space for long.

Even your body is wired this way. Not long ago I went to a restaurant and ordered a glass of milk (one percent, thank you). No one in the kitchen bothered to check the milk’s expiration date, which had passed over a month ago. I took a big gulp, and there is no way to explain what that milk tasted like. The experience was beyond taste. As the poison invaded my mouth, nose, senses, throat and being, 1 made no decision about whether or not to hold on to it I did not sit there and think, Hmmm, maybe if I just give it more time it will taste better: I did not ponder the situation. Instead, my body took over for me. It was involuntary. My entire system reject­ed the toxic substance. Every muscle group I am aware of was involved. It was automatic—done without a thought

That is the speed with which our successful déjà vu person’s char­acter handles negative things that are in the way of the meal called life. There is a system inside that says almost automatically. I do not want this in my tummy! Then it is marked for fix or lost. There is cer­tainly much thought, time, and process put into how to handle a negative situation lovingly and wisely, but there is little question as to whether or not it is going to be handled. That is somewhat automatic: it is the very character of our successful déjà vu friend.

Another example is your immune system. Your body is wired with an amazing strategy to fight off the bad stuff that enters on a daily basis. When you breathe, eat, touch, and go through all the experiences of any given day, you come in contact with all sorts of destructive bacteria. When these aliens invade your body, your sys­tem does not wait until they have gained more ground and made you sick before it takes action. It instantly sends messengers to find out first what the virus is made of (it seeks to understand it), to mark it as a problem (it puts a little sign up on a cell that says “problem virus”) so it can be identified and seen (not hidden), and then it is dealt with—quarantined and destroyed or expelled.

Babies do it, toddlers do it, your body does it. God does it. It seems without a doubt that to get rid of bad things that destroy or weigh down good things is part of the created order. The process is as natural as breathing. And that brings up a very important question:

Why do we stop doing what is so natural?

There are many reasons, but most have to do either with a lack of skills and good modeling of exactly how to acquire and imple­ment an emotional and spiritual immune system, or with fears that come from bad experiences when one has tried to exercise their immunities. Here are some examples you may identify with:

• Fear of someone’s anger or hurt if you deal with the problem

• Fear of someone’s judgment or disapproval when you deal with negative things

• Fear of actually losing the relationship itself, or at least los­ing love

• Guilty feelings when you confront someone or deal out consequences

• Experiences with role models who confronted hurtfully, and your determination not to be like them

• A lack of knowledge or skills relating to how to say things, or what to do if confrontation produces conflict, denial, or counterattack

• Paralysis when the problem person comes back at you

• Self-blame and feeling like you are the problem or feeling like you caused it

• Inability to let go of things because you fear that you cannot replace them (you will not find another relationship, job, and so on)

Whether or not you have had difficulty exercising your immune system, you must wake up to the laws of gravity: no matter what your reason is for not getting rid of the negative, if you are going to succeed, you must work it through and gain this skill. I know you may be afraid, and taking the step may be one of the most difficult things you have ever done.

However, your success in relationships and in life is going to be limited or enhanced by how well you exercise these two skills:

1. Your ability to confront and resolve negative things quickly, directly, lovingly, thoroughly, and effectively

2. Your ability to let go and leave behind the things that are not resolvable

Many people live lives that do not soar because they do not deal with negative drains to begin with, or because they remain stuck in the “fix it” mode longer than is helpful or hopeful. Think of the possible contexts where either of these problems can occur:

• Marriage

• Dating

• Extended family

• Work

• Finances

• Health

• Spirituality

• Neighborhood and community

• Pursuit of dreams and desires

• Possessions

Recently I had a business deal resurface with a problem from a few years back. A lingering debt was owed to me that I thought had been taken care of. My partner in the deal was a long-time friend, but I had never done business with him until this situation arose. I had never had any reason to doubt his integrity or honesty in busi­ness dealings. But when I pursued the unpaid debt, I began to see a different side of him.

When I first discovered the debt, I called this friend to see if he knew about it. He had heard about it from our accountant, but he did not believe he owed the money and thus did not bother to address the issue. He said basically that it was not his problem. I told him I would look further into it and get back to him. What stood out to me, however, was that he did not show more concern or take the initiative to actually find out whether he truly owed the money, and if he did, to make it right with me. He just unilaterally decided that it was not his problem and left it in my lap.

At one level, I understood such a response if he was convinced that he did not owe the money. But at another level, I could not imagine treating a business partner or a friend so indifferently. I would want to find out for sure if I had wronged him or owed him, or at least determine how I could help with the situation.

As I dug further into the issue, I found that he did indeed owe me the money. I called him but got no answer. I continued to call for a while, always with no response, and finally I concluded that he was going to blow off the debt and me as well. It turns out that he did resurface and offer some limited help, though the issue is not totally resolved as I write this. But that is not the point. The point is seen in what one of my déjà vu friends said to me.

My déjà vu friend knew the business partner, and I wanted his perspective on what to do next. I told my story and explained that the problem had gone on the better part of a year, and that I was trying to figure out the next step. It would be expensive to get attorneys involved, and there were complicated tax issues that would involve accountants, a lot of time, and a bunch of brain drain. Furthermore, the man was not demonstrating a helpful attitude, and the relational part of the issue was sure to be gross as well.

My friend listened, got all the facts, and said, “This reminds me of a similar situation I experienced years ago. The signs are clearly the same in your situation: your partner is not going to help. Write it off and get on down the road. Take the loss and move on. You are expending too much negative energy.

There was that phrase: Too much negative energy.

“Just take the loss and move on? That’s it?” I asked.

“Yep. Move on. You don’t need all this holding you back, pulling at you for more time, money, and energy than you have already spent. He is not likely to do anything about the debt, and it is not worth the hassle, time, and effort to go after it. Get on to spending your time in ways that will produce something good.”

Too much negative energy. I had heard the principle put like that, and I had heard it put in other ways. But the concept was the same: if the problem is not going to be resolved, you have to let it go and put it behind you. Or if resolving it and getting what you want is not going to be worth the cost, you have to let it go and move on. “Know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em.”

But I could feel my conflict inside. Let it go? We’re talking about a lot of money! That was not the issue for my wise friend. Whether it was a lot or a little was unimportant. What was important was that no matter what I tried, it was unlikely to work. And if it did, the result would be worth less than I would have to spend to achieve it. Taking into account what I would lose in time, money, energy, creativity, and the love of life, in the end it would be a net negative. Just write it off.

Let it go. Move on. Pull the tooth. That is tough to do some­times, but it is the way of déjà vu people. Otherwise, you are just going to drag that toothache into one more vacation and not enjoy your meals.

THE BRAIN DRAIN

Another troublesome aspect of allowing negative things to contin­ue past their time is the way that the mind deals with them. Think about it. At what moment do you think of the plaguing, avoided, unresolved negative issues from the list on page 55? The answer for most of us: when you can do the least about them. When we avoid facing things directly, they tend to grab us at the times when we cannot address them effectively. For example:

• The drinking problem of a spouse that is not being addressed effectively seems to get the most attention at the family gathering when the person has too much to drink.

• The problem with the boyfriend who is not committing enough to the relationship tends to get addressed in the phone call when he lets you down for the hundredth week­end.

• The character issues of a nineteen-year-old-son that have bugged you for years are not faced until he flunks out of col­lege or gets sent home for drug abuse.

• The tax issue you have avoided pops into your mind the moment you lay your head on your pillow to sleep or when you wake up in the middle of the night.

• The debt or interest rate that is not being faced, or the budget that is not being prepared, or the creditors that are not being dealt with, worry you worst when you have to make a crucial financial decision or purchase.

• An acquaintance with people who hurt you consistently is all the more painful as you spend a rare night out with them, and feel the time wasted.

• The tire that needs fixing is on your mind during a drive to an important appointment, with you mentally kicking yourself because you put off the repair.

• An unresolved conflict with a friend or loved one hits you hard when you are away from them, causing crummy feel­ings that you carry around but do nothing about.

• The health problem you are trying to ignore nags you con­tinually, but not enough to call your doctor today.

• Your tendency to commit to activities you don’t like brings up resentment when it’s time to attend them, but you don’t do anything to get out of them.

• The job you hate but are sticking with for another year when there is no good reason to causes frustration as you drive to work every day.

• Working on a project with that employee that you know you should have fired last year makes you angry.

So, here is the sad result of not living like a déjà vu person: you get the negative emotion of all your problems without the benefit of solving them. Avoidance is really not helping anything, because you still expend the energy and feel the hurt. It may help you avoid the pain of having the tooth pulled, which is time-limited pain, but it does not help you avoid all pain. In fact, you get to endure the problem much longer than if you just faced the hurt of the surgery, dealt with it, and let it go. You could be done by now. Avoidance always prolongs pain, in the end.

One of my déjà vu friends was about to go on an extended trip to Europe. I was having dinner with him a few nights before he left, and I asked how his week had been.

“Really, really good,” he said.

“Why? What happened?” I asked.

“I had three tough relationship issues that have been lingering for a while, and I wanted to get them all cleared up before I left. I didn’t want them hanging over me while I was away. So, I had sev­eral meetings with everyone involved and worked through it all. Some of it was really hard, but it is done. Now I feel that I can take off and really be free and focused.” Déjà vu.

WHEN TO LET GO

One of the toughest things to figure out is when to let go of some­thing that is important to you. When do you give up hope?

Melanie had fallen pretty hard for Glen. In fact, she was deeply in love with him, and it was no wonder. He was energetic, smart, funny, loving, creative, and possessed a good sense of values. He gave her a lot of attention when they first met, and she thought, as did her friends and family, that he could be “the one.” Everybody was crazy about him.

But slowly she began to experience a pattern. It seemed that Glen’s work and hobbies took up more of his attention than did she. Sometimes he failed to call when he said he would, and after waiting alone for hours she would just go to bed. She began to doubt herself—her attractiveness, her likability, and whatever else she could question about herself that might explain his lack of responsiveness.

Finally she began to talk to him about the problem. She told him that if they were serious about each other, which both agreed was the case, she needed to feel that she was a priority to him. She felt that she ranked quite low on his list of priorities, even though they had been together for over a year and were talking about mar­riage. She was not happy with being at the bottom of his list.

Glen was a little defensive, but he agreed to turn things around. And he did so for a while, but it was short-lived. She confronted him with the issue again. She offered to go to counseling. He said he would try to do better, but his “work was so demanding.” She was patient.

But after giving him enough time and chances to change, she told him it was over. She broke it off. It was heartbreaking, but with the support of her friends and family, she did it. For a while.

After a month or so, she began to miss the good old days when she and Glen were together and it was so wonderful. She played the scenes over and over in her mind, recalling all of the fine things about him. Why did she break up? Couldn’t they make it work? They loved each other so much and had so much in common, it just seemed such a waste not to work it out. She wanted him back.

So she called Glen and said she wanted to get together and try their relationship again. They met and talked, and he agreed to think about it. He missed her too. He promised to call in a day or so. A week went by, and no call. She finally had to call him for a response, and she found him living out his same old commit/no commit pattern right there on the phone.

Melanie came to me and asked what I thought. She said that she had been hoping Glen would change.

“Well, you have to figure out whether there is hope or not” I told her.

“Of course I hope it works,” she said.

“I don’t know if I would call that hope,” I said. “It sounds more like wishing than hoping.”

“What’s the difference?” she asked.

“A wish is something that you desire and want to come true. You can want it with all of your being. The desire for it can be very, very strong. But it is totally subjective and comes totally from you. It is one-sided and has no basis in reality.

“Hope, on the other hand, is not as subjective. It has objective reasons to believe that good things are going to happen, or at least can happen. For example, if in your time apart, Glen had decided that he has a real problem with getting close and remaining com­mitted, and if he decided to get help to correct that problem, that would be something objective in which to place hope. If he came back and said that he was joining a group of commitment-phobic men, that would be a hopeful sign. If he came back and told you that he realized he must give up his demanding job if he was going to have a serious relationship, that would also be a hopeful sign. But as it is, your ‘hope’ is really just a one-sided wish with no rea­son for it to be there other than your wanting it.”

“So what should I do?” Melanie asked. It seemed that she was getting the picture.

“Well, I think you should give up hope for the relationship to ever be different,” I said, “since there is nothing objective in the pic­ture to say that it will be. In fact, you have over a year of highly objective data telling you it will never be different.”

“So, I should walk away?” she asked.

“I did not say that,” I replied. “I said you should give up hope for the relationship to be different. Then you can see the reality of what it is. You have data that shows you what being in a relationship with Glen is like and will be like. That is the way it is. That is the way it will be after you have done everything possible to fix it. Now, the question is this: is that what you want in life? Long term, do you want to be number two, or three, or ten on his list of priorities? That is what you must decide, and then you will know whether you want to walk or not. Ask yourself if you like the relationship as it is now, because that is the way it will always be unless you see reason for hope other than ‘I miss you and will try to do better.’”

Then for the first time, Melanie reminded me of my déjà vu friends. “I’m done,” she said.

Hope is one of the great virtues in life, right up there along with faith and love (1 Corinthians 13). But hope is not a fairy tale wish; it is bedrock, and you should be able to order your life with it at your side. Melanie’s initial approach was certainly not a way you would want to order your life, whether you were betting on busi­ness or love. Remember that hope means investing time and ener­gy toward results that you have solid reason to believe can be achieved. It is not hope to invest time and energy in a goal that has no forces acting upon it to bring it about. That is stagnation. It is a waste of time, and time is ultimately what your life is about. Pulling the tooth—getting rid of the painful problem—has the added ben­efit of making room for a positive alternative. In fact:

New things that actually have hope for the future cannot appear until you get rid of what was taking up the space that the new thing needs.

If there is no hope for whatever it is you are clinging to, let go of it so you can be open to something new and life-giving.

THE CRINGE FACTOR

I hope you are getting the picture that the wise way to live is to put an end to negative things that are using up space, time, energy, and emotions. It is like weeding your garden. It keeps things healthy and alive. But there is another way that the déjà vu person deals with negative problems and energy drains that is even more effec­tive than fixing them or pulling the tooth: he does not get into them to begin with.

I went to visit a wise friend and advisor several years ago when I was at a particular juncture in my work, trying to decide from among several options what to do next. We spent a day on a beau­tiful beach, outlining the possibilities, discussing the people involved, and going over all the pros and cons. One option looked very good and had tremendous potential to accomplish many good things. The only problem was that the person I would be working with was one of those people who has some “issues.”

This person is successful, talented, and possesses many other good qualities, but he has a reputation among people he has worked with of making them feel used. When my advisor friend understood that this man was associated with the opportunity, he looked at me and said, “Why would you want to work with him?”

I knew what he meant, as 1 had also dealt with this person pre­viously. I knew the pros and cons. But I had been focusing more on the good things involved in the opportunity. “Well,” I said, “that is the downside of the deal. He has a lot of good points, but I have to take kind of a big gulp to think about being connected to him in this deal. I don’t like that part of it.”

“Let me tell you something,” my friend said. “I am old enough now and have enough experience that I just don’t do any deal or work with anyone where the cringe factor is involved. I just won’t do it anymore. I have learned my lesson.”

“What is the cringe factor?” I asked.

“That is the big gulp you would have to take to go forward,” he explained. “My rule is this: anytime I have to cringe or take a big gulp to agree to do anything substantial with anyone, whether to hire him, work with him, or anything significant, I don’t do it. I won’t go forward as long as the cringe factor is there. Period.”

My mind left the beach for a moment. I immediately went back to a time three years ago when I had entered into a horrible busi­ness situation because I had ignored the cringe factor. I had gone forward in a very good deal involving a person that I had to take a big gulp to work with. It turned out to be a nightmare. I wished at that moment I had followed my friend’s advice three years earlier. I understood what he was talking about, and the cringe factor has become a guiding principle for me ever since. And because I heed­ed this advice, I am not tethered to the person we were discussing, and that means I have no tooth to pull.

So the lesson here is that the best way to fix a problem is not to have it to begin with. Learn to listen to that little voice inside that tells you things like:

• This doesn’t quite feel right.

• I really don’t feel comfortable doing this or agreeing to this.

• This is not what I really want.

• I don’t like what I am agreeing to.

• This violates an important value.

• I am going to resent this tomorrow.

• I am going to resent this for a long time.

• I wish this were not happening.

• This feels the same as the last time.

Solomon gives us a great proverb about the cringe factor: “A prudent man sees danger and takes refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it” (Proverbs 22:3).

If you encounter a situation that you would not want to live with, fix it before you go forward, or don’t go forward without real­izing what Melanie had to realize: you are choosing to live with that tooth. You had better have a very good reason to choose such a course. The best way, like my wise friend says, is to not go forward. Don’t be like the simple or naïve who keep going and suffer for it. Because you will suffer. How much you will suffer depends on how bad the tooth is. The best way to fix a problem is to not have one to begin with. An ounce of prevention is worth one million pounds of cure.

When your senses tell you that something is wrong, there is a reason you feel that way. Check it out and see if it is paranoia or wrongful suspiciousness on your part first. If it is, work through it. But if it is not, listen to it. It will save you from bad relationships, bad business deals, bad purchases, bad debt, hurtful situations and circumstances, bad choices, and many other negatives that your life will be a lot better without. Resist the impulse to say yes.

MAKE THE APPOINTMENT

In summary, my déjà vu friends would give you one piece of advice about your aching tooth. Make the appointment. Pull the tooth. Deal with whatever is wrong. That may mean fixing it, or it may mean getting rid of it altogether.

The overriding principle is that unresolved negative things are a drain and take away from that which has life. They have no place in your heart. That principle does not negate patience, longsuffering, hope, or working out difficult relationships over time. It includes all of those things, doing whatever you can to fix what is wrong and make it better. Forgive and reconcile. But it also means not to let bad situations sit, stagnate, get infected, and drain away your life. “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the hones” (Proverbs 17:22). Move quickly to deal with whatever is crushing your spirit. Déjà vu.