Many years ago (more than I will admit to) I learned to drive a car. It was a stick shift, primarily because very few cars had automatic transmissions then. The gear shift was on the steering column. It was tricky, learning to coordinate the pushing of the clutch as you shifted from one gear to the next. If you did it right, it went smoothly and quietly. If not, you ground the gears. You could hear as well as feel the metal clashing and grinding. If you did this often enough you would grind the gears into fine pieces of metal, eventually ruining the transmission.
The same thing can happen to two people attempting to become compatible. You can end up grinding arid clashing against one another. Aside from the previously discussed areas or meshing that need to occur, another major issue comes into play when you seek to learn each other's culture. It's the blending or your gender (male female) and personality differences.
Too often we hear gender differences reduced to one factor such as personality preferences, or being left- or right-brained. It actually makes more sense to look at men and women as a complex mixture of differences. In that way you can understand them better.
Understanding and adapting to your partner's personality-- which includes gender uniqueness as well as brain dominance-- will make the difference between whether you adjust to this foreigner or not! When you and your partner are in synch, the gears don't grind as you shift into a close relationship.
To make this happen, you need to accept two facts:
I. Men and women are wired differently. Neither is wired wrong, just differently.
2. For your relationship to blossom, you need to become a “bilingual” couple, each fluent in the language of the opposite sex.
Accepting Gender Differences
It's not easy to flex and learn to respond differently; but it's possible. What is second nature for you has to be a conscious effort on your partner's part, and vice versa.
I've heard many men and women today say they know about the differences between women such as feeling vs. fact, brain difference, energy levels, etc. But their interaction often leads me to question this. If they know it, why do they keep fighting something that is a natural and inherited ability, as well as having been designed by God Himself?
If people really knew the differences between male and female styles of thinking and communicating, then they would be able to explain the differences in detail, accept them and change the way they respond to each other. They would honor the differences and respond in an appropriate and accepting way.
The following may seem like a basic course in biology, physiology and anthropology, but it really isn't. It's simply an explanation of some basic gender differences that most people still allow to confuse them--and dictate their response to the opposite sex.
Large-Brained Girls!
We're going to start by looking at men and women as children. Let's assume we have X-ray glasses so we can look into their brains. As you peer inside, you may see a discrepancy between boys and girls.
In the brain there is a section that connects the left and right hemispheres. It's a bundle of nerves (the technical name is corpus callosum) and it can be up to 40 percent larger in girls than in boys. This means that women are able to use both sides of the brain together at one time, whereas men have to switch from one side of their brain to the other depending upon what they need. Women can enjoy more cross talk between the sides.
This extra connective tissue in girls is a reason why they develop language skills earlier than boys and will use many more words than the young male of our species. Do you know why boys often read more poorly than girls? It's the brain again. There's the culprit. The brain that will read better is the brain that can use both sides of the brain at once. Interestingly, it's also easier to “read” the emotions on a person's face when you use both sides of your brain simultaneously.
A woman's brain has been developed to express and verbalize. This is why throughout adulthood she wants to “talk about it.” A man's brain has been geared to developing his spatial skills. This is why throughout his life he wants to “do something” about it. So a woman is typically quicker to talk about her feelings, while a man wants to act quickly to do something about it.
Of course you recognize that this is where conflicts arise (and probably always will). A woman will say. “Let's sit down and talk this through thoroughly” Meanwhile the man is straining at the bit to get it fixed and get on with life! Remember: Neither response is wrong, and neither is better than the other.
Male-Female Brain Maps
In studies at the University of Pennsylvania. brainscan equipment has been used to generate computer photographs of brains in use. They look almost like maps. The equipment photographs the brain in different colors, with each color showing a different degree of intense cortical activity.
A man and a woman are hooked up to the equipment. They are both asked to do a spatial task, figuring out how two objects fit together. If you were looking at a computer screen depicting the woman's brain, this is what you would see: In the woman's brain, the color and intensity on both sides are pretty equal But something happens to the man's brain. The right side lights up with various colors that reflect a high degree of right-brain activity: But much less of the left hemisphere lights up.
On the other hand, when verbal skills are tested, watch out! Then you would see that the man uses much less of his brain than the woman's. (If you're a woman reader you're probably saying right now, “I knew that!”) But in the woman's brain the intensity of activity in her left hemisphere really lights up!
The findings of this research indicate that a woman's brain is at work in more sections than the man's almost all the time. It's like both hemispheres are always on call, whereas in a man's brain they are not--or at least not in the same way.
Think of it like this: If there's a task to do, a man's brain turns on. When the task is completed, the brain turns off. But a woman's brain is always on. It's true that parts of a man's brain are always on, but when the two brains are compared in their downtime or inactive time, the difference between the portion of the woman's brain that's always on and a man's on/off brain is quite pronounced.
So what does this difference mean? The difference is the main reason men are such fixers, so task-oriented, and not as able to do several things at once They need to focus on one thing at a time. When a man takes on a task at home such as cleaning the garage or working in the yard, to him its a single-focus task, not a fellowship time. If his wife wants to work with him, she usually wants to carry on a conversation at the same time. To him this may seem an interruption, an invasion of his space, a distraction, and he reacts strongly to it. Millions and perhaps billions of conflicts over the years could have been avoided if men and women had not only understood this but honored the difference.
Men and Emotions
This brings us to a question that I've heard again and again over the years: Why can't men get into feelings like a woman does? The answer is that men have three strikes against them when it comes to feelings.
One, they're wired differently.
Two, they're raised to be emotionally handicapped. They're given neither the encouragement nor training to learn to understand a wide range of feelings, nor to develop a vocabulary to express them.
Third, the way women respond to men to get to their feelings often becomes counterproductive.
Again, we must look at the brain to see why men and women have to deal with their feelings differently. A woman has an immense number of neuroconnecters between her feelings and the “broadcasting studio” in her brain. She has an expressway which runs between her feelings and her speech. And because her brain is basically on all the time, it's very easy for her to share these feelings.
On the other hand, remember that a man's brain has fewer nerve connectors between its right and left sides. No wonder, then, that he often has more of a struggle than a woman in expressing feelings. He doesn't have an expressway between feelings and the broadcasting area of the brain, but more of a one-way road.
This is why it's not easy for a man to share. If he attempts to put his feelings into words, he must take a prior step called thought. He has to ask, “Now, I'm feeling something. What is it? All right, that's what it is” Once he discovers his feelings, he must analyze them and decide what he can do about them.
Remember that a man's brain is a problem-solving brain. He is wired to have delayed reactions. When an emotional event occurs, is he ready yet to express his feelings? No. He needs to move over to the left side of his brain and collect the words he knows that express his feelings. That's what stops many men from expressing emotions, because they are vocabulary-deficient for the most part.
And it's not all their fault. Parents, teachers and society as a whole fail to provide much help in teaching men the vocabulary of feelings or the ability to paint word pictures to describe them. The man shares what he's able to share, and when new feelings arise, its back to the drawing board to start the process all over again.
So remember this difference: A man has to think about his feelings before he can share them. A woman can feel, talk and think at the same time.
Women and Emotions
The sequence a woman goes through is quite different. When a woman is upset, what does she do first? She talks about it. And as she talks she is able to think about what she is saying and feeling. The end result is that she figures it out, usually by herself She begins with feelings, then moves to talking and then to thinking. Eventually she develops the ability to do all three at the same time:
Feeling ---------------------------Talking -------------------------- Thinking
Because a woman “problem-solves” out loud, most men either think they've caused the problem or that the woman wants them to solve the problem. Its possible that he should fix it, but only if she requests a solution. Most women just want their man to listen and reflect the fact that they've heard what she is saying.
Now, a man is not going to deal with his feelings in the same way because they develop in another order. Often his feelings develop, then he moves to action and then to thinking. When an upset occurs, the immediate response is to do something about it; and that helps him think it through. In time, he learns to feel, act and think at the same time:
Feeling ---------------------------Talking -------------------------- Thinking
You will notice that talking to resolve the problem isn't part of the formula for men. Communication is more significant for a woman, while action is more significant for a man.
When a woman understands this, she doesn't have to be surprised when it occurs. She can accept it and even encourage the man to respond in this way and adapt some of her typical responses to more nearly match his.
Keep in mind that each side of the brain has, as it were, its own language. If a man is stronger in his left brain (in other words, if he's left-brain dominant) his language is going to be concerned with facts. It will be tend to be logical and precise, as well as black and white.
To Summarize “LB” Men
Let's summarize what you will hear from a typical man. We'll call him “LB” for “left brain.”
The communication is precise to make sure he is understood.
The vocabulary used is very rational, and may even be authoritarian.
Logic is the basis of reference. He likes to go from 1 to 2 to 3 to 4, not from 1 to 3 to 2 to 4!
When he communicates, the purpose is to clarify.
At the heart of his communication is critical or analytical thinking.
The language he uses may seem sterile and unimaginative because it's so objective.
He asks questions in order to understand a woman's logic.
When he solves problems, he will use language to guide the woman to the “correct” solution.
Who does this describe--you or your partner? If this isn't you, how do you feel about this style of communication? If this isn't you, do you understand this style of communication?
What could you do to speak your partner's language?
A Summary of “RB” Women
If a woman's dominant side of the brain is the right side, her language will reflect this.
It will primarily be a language of feelings.
It will tend to be ambiguous.
The vocabulary she selects will tend to be empathic and emotional
There will be an emphasis upon attachment and interdependence.
She will use metaphors and symbols rather than being precise and direct.
She will view communication to an RB (right brain) as a connecting experience.
The heart of her communication is the sharing of experiences.
She will use the subjective language of intimacy.
When she asks questions, they will be for the purpose of figuring out how experience has brought her to what she thinks and believes now
When she problem-solves, she will function like a midwife--using language to assist others in coming to their own solution.
Who does this describe--you or your partner? If this isn't you, how do you feel about this style of communication? If this isn't you, do you understand this style of communication?
What could you do to speak the other person's language?
“GenderfIex” : Bridging the Gap
This whole business of relationships is about left-brained men and right-brained women being attracted to each other. If they are ever to communicate across their natural gender gap, if they are to develop into a functional couple, they must learn to understand and use the other person's language style to some extent. They must become “bilingual”! Can you make this switch?
The differences we have outlined between the brains of men and women mean that when they communicate (or attempt to!) they have different purposes in mind. Women speak and hear a language of connection and intimacy, whereas a man tends to speak and hear a language of status and independence.
The way men speak is “report talk.” They like to express knowledge and skills. They use talking as a way to get and keep attention.
Women's speech is rapport-talk. It's their way of establishing connections and negotiating relationships.
So what you have is not really a difference of dialects within the same language, but cross-cultural communication. It's been said that men and women speak different genderlects.
This area of difference is not just a concern in marriage but in the workplace as well:
The male-female difference represents the biggest culture gap that exists. If you can learn the skills and attitudes to bridge the gender differences in communication, you will have mastered what it takes to communicate and negotiate with almost anyone about almost anything.
A new word, “genderflex,” has been coined for this situation. It's not in any dictionary yet, but it will be. The word means to temporarily use communication patterns typical of the other gender in order to connect with them and increase the potential for influence.
This is an adaptive approach to communication designed to improve relationships and performance. It's not a change in personality, lifestyle or values. It's an adaptation that will actually create greater flexibility and growth among those practicing it. You choose to communicate in the patterns of the other gender to accomplish a goal. You simply adopt the characteristics of the others gender that are related to style, content and structure of communication. You're not becoming like the other gender, but showing that you understand how they communicate.
“Genderflex” talk will remember that women tend to speak the language of “expressers” and men the language of “resolvers.” A simple example of this is that typically most women are “expanders” and most men are “condensers” in the content of what they share. That is, women tend to give much more detail and include feelings in what they share, whereas men tend to give bottom-line, factual information. So to speak the other person's language, even if a woman were talking about interpersonal situations, she would use more factual descriptions that focus on identifying a problem or a solution rather than an abundance of details or feelings. And a man would not give just “bottom-line” facts but descriptive details with an emphasis on the interpersonal.
Keep in mind that you will find exceptions to these male-female styles. Some men will express themselves as RB's, and some women will come across as LB's. Personally I think this is due to the influence of personality variation.
By the way, are you aware that men talk more than women? It's true! There hasn't been a single study that gives any evidence that women talk more than men, but there are numerous studies showing that men talk more than women. Each simply talk about their preferred topics.
I've heard both men and women say, “Why should I go to all this work of adapting and changing? If my partner would talk less (or talk more) and listen, everything would be all right.”
My response has always been, “Is what you are doing to help the situation working?”
I know what I'll hear. “No.”
“Then why keep doing it? There's a better way”
A Message to Men
What can a man do to help bridge the communication gap between genders? What if he has never learned to share his feelings, or in other ways to “genderflex” or adapt to the language of women? Several basic steps can make a difference.
First, never compare your verbal agility with a woman's ability to share. Such a comparison may keep you from trying. Listening to some women speak so freely of the feelings dimension of life may cause you to think, Forget it, I couldn't share like that, nor do I want to! No one is suggesting that you share the way a woman does. But you can develop your untapped potential for expressing unmasked feelings and developing intimacy.
Second, realize that becoming aware of and sharing your feelings offers you a multitude of life-changing benefits. It brings you closer to God's intended plan for your life. As a result, you will relate significantly better to a wider range of people, including feelings-oriented men and women. More people will listen to you and respond to you.
Third, listen to how others describe and share their feelings. Learn from them. Make a list of feeling words and memorize them. Expand other areas of your vocabulary as well, and use these new terms in sentences within your mind until you become comfortable with them. Some men I know have practiced out loud to accustom themselves to hearing the spoken words.
Fourth, learn to use word pictures to describe what is going on inside yourself. Instead of just saying, “I had a hard day,” you could describe your day like this: “At times today it was so rough and frustrating I felt like I was trying to push an elephant out of the way and it finally sat on me!” Or, “At one point today it seemed like it was raining on everything I tried. I was really discouraged.”
Fifth, try writing out what is going on inside you. If you have a habit of saying “I think.” you could change it to “I feel” or “I felt” or “My inner reaction was….” Practice, pray, and believe that God can work in your emotional life.
Sixth, let the woman in your life know that one of your goals is to learn to share your feelings with her, and tell her you need her help and support. The following suggestions will alleviate misunderstandings and help to enlist the support you need:
1. Explain that it will be difficult for you, and that it would he helpful to you if she recognized your progress.
2 Let her know that sometimes the way you share may not seem clear and may differ from the way she would share in response to the same experience. Let her know that you want to understand. Tell her it would be best if she just asked a simple clarifying question rather than trying to correct what you say or the way you say it.
3. Give yourself permission to process your thoughts. There will be times when you need first to think through what you are feeling to access your emotions. If there is silence, don't fill it in with words or questions.
4. Ask for understanding and grace. Tell her that when feelings are shared, you don't want to hear judgments, criticisms or interruptions.
5. Ask for confidentiality when personal feelings are shared. Let her know that you would prefer that these not be shared with others.
6. State clearly what you want. If you don't want to discuss your feelings but simply state them, let her know that, too. She is not a mind-reader.
7. When your partner wants to discuss her feelings, find a time that is agreeable for both of you. Look at her, listen and reflect her feelings by asking questions and clarifying what you heard. Don't take what she says as a personal attack, and don't try to fix her.
Stu Weber, writing in his book to men, Tender Warrior, had this message for all men:
Women speak a different language than men. It's not Spanish or Korean or Swahili. It's not Hindi or Hebrew. It's “Woman,” and it's spoken all over the planet. Yes, I suppose men have a language of sorts, too, but that's not the issue here. The crux of the matter is that women speak their own unique dialect and it is incumbent upon Tender Warriors to learn that language and speak it with passion.
I'm reminded of a cross-cultural snapshot one of my friends described to me. On a brief trip to Haiti, he found himself alone in a room with a young Haitian man who seemed wide-eyed with excitement about meeting an American. The Haitian obviously longed to open a conversation. His hands opened and closed. His eyes burned with a desire to weave his thoughts into understandable words. He seemed to have a thousand questions on the tip of his tongue. But my friend didn't speak a word of Creole and the Haitian didn't speak English. So eventually, after a few smiles, nods, vague gestures and self-conscious shrugs, the two young men strolled awkwardly to different corners of the room, and they parted--almost certainly for the rest of their lives.
That little experience paints a powerful analogy in my mind. You and I know men and women who live together 10, 20, 50 years or more but never learn to speak one another's language. They sit in rooms together, ride in cars together, eat meals together, take vacations together and sleep together when the sun goes down. But for year after year they never learned how to get beyond vague gestures and a few surface phrases.
That, my friend, is a man's responsibility. He is the one who must take the initiative and learn how to speak “Woman.” There it is in clear terms.
In I Peter 3:7 it says, “You husbands....live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life.”
Webster defines understanding as “gaining a full mental grasp.” Not bad. Those are words we men ought to be able to grapple with. To understand is to gain a full mental grasp of the nature and significance of something. To understand is a mental process of arriving at a result. It's when you study and study an issue, turn it this way and that, and suddenly the wires connect, the light blinks on and you say. “Ah--ha! So that's the way it works!” There ought to be ah-ha's as we seek to comprehend the implications of womanhood. Men are commanded to understand, to comprehend, to apprehend the meaning of to grasp the force of living with a woman. Understanding involves a discerning skill, a rational process and a reasoned judgment.
A Word to the Women
What is the best way for a woman to express her emotions to a man, especially if he has difficulty coping with feelings?
I. Plan ahead and practice whenever possible. Share your feelings in small increments, piecemeal; don't dump them all at once. Emotional overloading tends to short-circuit and overwhelm men.
2. Ask a man, “What is your reaction?” rather than, “What are you feeling?”
3. Think of communicating with a man as speaking your native language to someone from another culture. I have learned to do this with my Asian students, and they appreciate it.
4. Above all, never interrupt him when he's sharing. Be patient. It will take him longer than you to process his thoughts and feelings and express himself
As we have said, not all men and women fit these descriptions. There are many exceptions and variations. That's why we need to avoid stereotypes of men and women. Both men and women may have characteristics typical to their gender in some ways, but be different in others.
My wife Joyce and I are examples. She is very single-minded, and needs to focus on one task at a time. Handling several things at one time is not her forte. On the other hand, I tend to be the juggler, handling several things at once. Through testing I've discovered that I'm neither right- nor left-brain dominant. They are both the same.
When you see such variations or exceptions in your partner, don't classify them as odd or wrong. Just be aware that they exist, and adapt your own communication style accordingly.
No comments:
Post a Comment